Hi all - I'm also new here, seems to be alot of us, which to me is very sad. I don't know all the abbreviated lingo so until I learn it, I'll have to write all the words out.

Found out about my husbands "supposed" emotional affair on vacation to San Diego with the kids in April 2009. He was mysteriously disappearing into the bathroom at 2am with his phone and when I asked him about it, he said he needed a light. Needless to say, he stupidly didn't delete the texts he was getting and I snuck over to his phone after he fell back asleep. I was blown away by what I found. Sexually provocative and insinuative texts between my husband and his co-worker. I confronted him immediately and he admitted to an "emotional affair" with the girl, but that was the extent of the relationship. I wanted to believe him, but there was something not quite right. Eventually another co-worker told me some of what had been going on. This was 4 months later. He also, while being confronted, admitted to having sex with her one evening they were working late together and drinking wine. First story.

Severeal months later, around December 2009 he had some weird texts from another unknown number and I asked him about it. He told me it was a gal that had contacted him to find a job, he is in the recruiting industry. He had mentioned her name earlier so I didn't think much of it, but I replied to the text and got a weird response. Something like she didn't want to be a part of the whole mess. I asked him what mess she was talking about and he said trying to find her a job, etc. I ended up looking her up on facebook and finding her on his FB and started writing to her. All the while he was texting her not to say anything and emailing me that I would find nothing out from her because there was nothing to find out. I ended up calling the girl and she had no idea he was married and told me about their affair 5 years earlier. She said nothing had happened since, but again blown away.

Long story short, it's been nearly 18 months since the initial discovery and I am still struggling with my life and what to do. He says that what he did was the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn't know what was going through his head at the time. He has tried with his own efforts and upon the advice of others to change his life around but sometime I just feel like he is doing it for me and not because he needs to change his life. We have been to counseling for over a year now and I am still very much wounded. I don't think he understand the magnitude of what he has done to me. I don't trust him still to this day and constantly check his email, phone, etc. I haven't found much, which should be a relief, but the wound runs deep.

The reason I came here was because I have been talking to people who have not been through this and they just don't understand. I know there are people here who have been hurt just as badly as I have and understand what I am going though. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. I need so much support and hope I came to the right place.

Welcome to MB and sorry you are here.

How old are you and your husband? Do you have any children? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair(SAA)? There is a thread I started that helps guide people through this site when they first get here. Have you read through it yet? If not, here it is. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240 Click through all of the links, and ask any questions that you may have.

Now, does your WH(Wayward Husband) still work with OW(Other woman)? If so, is he prepared to find another job? Continued contact with the affair partners continues the feelings and he affair has a great chance of re-igniting.

Sorry you are here.

Bella (My WW loves Twilight too),

Welcome to MB. Sorry that you're here though.

I will start off by saying that I'm not one of the Big Guns (as they're called) around here, and can offer little MB advice.

But, I will say that you ARE NOT alone. I'm still getting over the first A (Affair) from 2 years ago, with respect to the trust. Even when my WW gave me zero reasons to look, and I found nothing. It's a defense mechanism. Pain does that to you. I'm sure you will get much more usefull advice here, and I wish you the best.

Again, you are not alone.

P.S. Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Thank you for the link, I will look into what it says and answer those questions you asked for. It's good to know I am not alone, I look forward to the needed support.

P.S.-not sure what team I'm on but leaning toward Team Edward!

Thank you Scotland for the above links and questions. I did read through the link you attached and it seemed full of good stuff. After 18 months I'm still unsure of what to do. I guess my first step would be to decide if I want to make it work.

To answer some of your above questions:

My WH hooked up with the first OW at a bar out with a friend 2 months after our 3rd child was born. Their A lasted for a year according to the OW until she found out he was married. Second A began with a co-worker and WH said it only happened once, but there was alot of EA woven into the relationship. WH worked with the OW for nearly a year after the A until he got fired. Thank God for that. I had been pleading with him to quit ever since I found out, but his response was always I don't think I can get another job and do you want to lose everything?

I am 37 he is 38, turning 39 in a couple weeks. We have 3 kids, 12, 9 and 5 and have been married for 14 years. This is both of our first marriages.

Question: Do you think it is a good idea to get a polygraph test at this point because of the "trickle truth" I still feel like he is withholding some truths from me. Is this a good idea or am I just asking for heartache?

Dear Bella:

PLEASE have your husband take a polygraph now. Read my thread "CGIR's Wife - 30 Years of Lies and Trickle Truth." My husband's last affair was four years ago and I just got another trickle of truth tonight. He is also e-mailing me a preliminary document outlining how we can divide our assets.

GET ALL THE TRUTH YOU NEED NOW. Every day that passes with lies between you changes you. I hate who I am now, but it's too late for me. I don't want it to be too late for you.

BrokenVase

P.S. The only reason my husband told me the truth about his affair is because I told him he would have to take a polygraph to remain married to me. I also suspect that if we go through with the polygraph, I will be hearing more "truth" in the parking lot of the examiner's office. (We are discussing divorce, and if we decide to end, the test won't matter).

BrokenVase - First of all, I'm so sorry about what you are going through. It sounds awful! I still have the Poly scheduled, but am started to get scared to get it done. I guess I want to stick my head in the sand and hope that he has told me everything. He seems to be very willing to go along with the test, but I guess if I get any more bad news, lies, etc. based from the test, I will really have to re-evaluate things. I told him yesterday that I really didn't like him. He has let me down so much in all the years we have been married, this is just the icing on the cake. Like you, we are also HS sweethearts, and all I saw was stars then. Now, I have a pretty good grasp on what a real marriage is supposed to look like and it ain't what I'm seeing. Like I said earlier, I am scared to death to be on my own. 3 kids, yikes. At the same time, I want the whole truth. Don't know if I can move forward without it.

Dear Bella:

I stuck my head in the sand.

Doesn't work.

You won't move forward without the truth.

Trust me.

Polygraph.

BrokenVase

Well, new developments. I was able to look through his old credit card statements online and found some very suspicious charges. One to a gentleman's club for over $800, which he conveniently forgot to tell me. And this was AFTER I discovered the initial EA in April. Flowers to his co-worker and one boquet who's name is unaccounted for. I feel betrayed all over again. What the hell's the matter with these guys? Can't they come out with it all at once. That's why my thread title is trickle truth, because that is what I have always gotten and obviously continue to get.

I did install a keylogger on his laptop the other day and it seems to help me track his computer better. At least I can know if he has deleted something and am able to track all of his moves. At the same website, I found that they also have "keyloggers" for cell phones. I was excited to hear that except they currently only have them for blackberries. They are in the process for creating one for the droid, win 7 phone and one other. I could order one, but have to make sure of which phone he will be getting first.

I am at a loss of words, I THOUGHT he had come out with the whole truth, but obviously not. I feel like I am continually being lied to and am having a hard time deciding what to do. Any advice?? I'm crushed.

Dear Bella:

If your husband has been able to hide significant spending from you (e.g., spending $800.00), call and get a copy of his credit report. Most states allow you one free report per year. Get one report from per bureau per calendar quarter. All you need to know is basic information about him - SSN#, birthdate, etc. The line is automated; you just punch in the information on your keypad.

The report will list every account, open and closed, associated with his SSN#.

Then, set up online access for all of his cards. This way, you can monitor his spending online, without waiting for or looking for bills.

But, if you do nothing else, tell him you want to recover your marriage, but before you can do so, you need him to take a polygraph. Tell him you will research a polygrapher together and work with him to establish the questions; when you are both confident you have found someone, he will take the test. Refusal to take the test or failing the test is his message to you that he will continue to withhold the truth.

Telling CGIR that I would not continue to work with him on recovery until he took a polygraph is the only thing that got him to tell me the truth, and even so, it took a few weeks for me to get a final revelation - a huge one.

CGIR has completed his timeline and we are reviewing it this weekend. The next step will be a polygraph, as I have one remaining question that I NEED a polygraph to satisfy.

Then, we can start on a real recovery.

BrokenVase

Dear Bella,
I feel like i am kinda where you are at the point in our discovery of our husbands affairs. Although my husband admited to it the night i confronted him about it which surprised me but he did think he was keeping it concealed that he was still seeing her. i don't understand these men!!

Bella, you wrote that two weeks ago. The test should have been done by now. What happened?