Don't beat yourself up for crying just because you saw him, completely NORMAL. Now, don't be surprised if you WANT to call him, or email him. Please, don't give into the urge. You will most likely go through all of those feelings all over again. Just remember to refocus on your kiddos and your recovery. You are GREAT.

I don't want to talk to him at all. I think I miss the dream more than anything...the dream of all my children coming home to one house for Christmas, the dream of growing old with someone who is the father of my children, the dream of raising our children together and just being married to one man.

He brought the children back an hour early....I guess that is not a big deal?

I will refocus Scotty...I'm getting ready for tomorrow right now and thinking about how everything will start over.

See, I told you that you are a strong woman. I am amazed again at your strength. ((((HopeE))))

ITA

You did great. There will be times when you will just have to be in the same place as him. You did great.

LG

Thanks LG and Scotty,

The kids had a great weekend for a change. After games, WH took them to his house and then they went to church this morning and he took them to the lake for a few hours. They didn't call me with worries or beggings of coming home. I was so relieved to not have alot of drama during his weekend...which is usually the case.

They did not come home with a single message....just smiling faces....I couldn't ask for more.

As a side note though, DS11 wanted to throw ball with the neighbor boy and he said, "no, I want to just throw with my dad." DS11 then said, "I don't get to do that with my dad can I throw with you?" Neighbor boys says, "You just saw your dad and now I want to spend time with mine." DS11 said, "I don't get to see my dad for weeks but whatever."

I witnessed this conversation and then my DS came in crying saying that it just wasn't meant for him to have that with his father. It really sucks for them, but as long as WH is happy that's what matters. I told DS that there would be other opportunities for him to throw ball with his father.

We've all had a heavy dip of things that we cannot change...it's hard to stomach, but it can be done.

"I'm letting go of the plans I had for me and my dreams..."

Ok, a message got through to me and I took a nose dive today. I had to stay home today because this mechanic, who does house calls, came to fix my brakes....my van was undriveable. The problem is that teachers here in Texas get paid once a month...so my payday is not till next week. I called my church to see what I could do. They sent this guy and he fixed and took a postdated check...God is faithful; I just had to let someone know what was going on. I'm bad about just sitting and waiting for an answer. I tend to turn to my family only.

Anyway, all that to say this....I picked up my boys from school and got a call from this coach on DS10's football team. This man is single and has been calling me and showing what seems to be interest...I think he's just being nice, but my boys are showing concern about this man calling. They said, "mama, is that man interested in you?" I said, "no, hes just being nice." DS11 said, "well it seems he calls you alot."
By the way, these phone calls are simply to ask if my son needs a ride or if he's going to be at practice. But they are noticing the fact that he never called before. I told them it didn't matter if he ws interested...I'm still married.

Then, DS10 said, "Well daddy got a phone call from OW a few weeks ago." DS10 said that it had her name on the caller ID of his phone. DS10 said that he took it and handed the phone to WH....and then he went outside to talk.

Soo....affair still on. I guess I've wondered and now I know. He's definitely still in lie mode.

I don't know why I keep praying for this relationship. I know I deserve better and my children deserve better than a cheater.

Oh HopeE, I am sorry that you heard about this. It really can throw you into a bit of a spin to realize that the A is still going strong. It sucks. Wayturds suck AZZ.

I am glad that you were able to get your van fixed. It's nice to hear that you have great support around you.

Now, about this man that calls you, you need to be hyper vigilant about revenge affairs. You are highly susceptible to an affair. You need to keep your message to your children the same, "It is wrong to date while you are married." they will get the right message.

(((((hopeE))))))

Scotty don't worry....the thought of another man makes me want to vomit. I truly believe that he is calling to offer help for DS10. My children know that I would never do such a thing. I don't stay at DS10's practices...I go to DS7's and then pick up DS10. Besides, my standards are way different now...it's going to take a lot to measure up.

Okay, just making sure(as people did with me when I started my personal training).

There are people who truly want to help but there are also others who will try to take advantage. I didn't mean to imply that you would ever do anything like that. I just thought that letting your children know the difference between right and wrong and letting them know that you are doing right is what mattered.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

I didn't take it offensively at all because I can see how it could happen. Along this same vein of conversation I would like to add that I'm amazed at so called "friends" have encouraged me to go find someone and flaunt them in front of WH. I was shocked at the idea of doing something like that....I told them, "Then I'll be just like him....betraying my family."

I won't lower myself to this level.

Today is the 7th day of my cleanse!!!! Thanks the Lord it is almost over!!!! I don't want to see another piece of beef for a long time or a grapefruit for that matter. At last weigh-in, I had lost 5 pounds, but I guess I was hoping for more. They did tell us the average was 5-7 pounds....so I guess I did well. Tomorrow, I will start in on a customized plan for my body weight and age. I was surprised that they have my goal weight as 188....in high school I weighed 150 as a good weight. I guess I've had too many babies for that. I know 188 is still too high for me. I'm going for 175.

I had one weak moment yesterday that I almost shoved a chocolate cake in my face....I lifted the cake lid and thought real hard....but in the end I fought of the urge for emotional eating. I can't believe how much of my desire to eat has to do with how I feel.

The one thing that you won't be able to control is what the kids say to your WH about the coach.

And to tell you the truth, your WH probably thinks he would never be challenged on his own turf. The kids might say something, and might set his mind to wondering. Could be a good thing, for WH to think about the idea that YOU actually have a future WITHOUT HIM if he continues to be a [censored].

That thought has probably not crossed his mind - because his focus is on his little selfish self. One little slip on the part of the kids will change that. Truth is, the kids will ultimately broach this subject with him - even if it is not with regard to the coach or any specific man at all. One of the kids will probably say something about "life after the divorce" and ask him what he thinks about YOU having a "new dad" at the house.


The consequences are REAL for your WH's behavior. Kids ask questions. It will happen.


And I, for one, kind of hope it does. Your WH needs a boot to the head. Meant in kindness of course, with an eye toward a push into REALITY!!!

SB,

I have to be honest and say that this has been one of the best weeks I've had since all this happened. This diet I'm on has me completely charged. The lack of excess carbs has really changed my energy level. I only get one starch a day. Wow it's weird not eating bread or potatoes or chips....but I've not really missed it. I'm really too busy to notice.

I've also been researching narrcisism.....all I can say is he matches this problem and i match the wife of one. I can't believe the similarities. All the years of keeping me down, making me move far away from the people who love me, his refusal to love or care for me...lots of time out of work and away from home. Everything was about getting rich quick and he deserved it in his mind. Gotta be a big, famous preacher....or a lawyer....or an entrepeneur.IE cookie business. The countless times he left for the lake after DD broke her arm, cut her finger off...he never came, just let me handle it. I got an infection on my leg and couldn't walk for weeks....he left me with 4 children for a weekend at the lake knowing I could not get around.

I once had an infection on my breast.....wasn't sure it was that at all....was worried about cancer. It was a difficult weekend waiting for meds to work and knowing if they didn't....what it could be. Anyhoo, WH was worried allright, but not about me....oh no, he was worried about the fact that he would have to take care of these children.

I interpret for the deaf...my bother is deaf and I picked up signe language easily. When we met, I was interpreting at the front of the church every Sunday for our few deaf attendees. After we married, he forbid me to interpret anymore....said it was showy and I was trying to draw attention to myself. I was forced to quit something I love.

How long will I deny myself true love and a life that is devoted to God? WH robbed me of my youth and a life that I deserved to have....God told me he was going to give it back to me....I believe it and I look forward to it.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord"

Have you asked about interpreting for the deaf at church again? I think that is AWESOME. Focus on getting back who YOU are and want to be. It is a time to focus and make yourself better. I am so happy that you had a good week. Keep it up.

Scotty,

We have no deaf members at my present church, but I've thought about getting certified to teach the deaf in addition to my current certifications. I would love to teach or interpret for a specific student. I am getting my life back a piece at a time....somedays it takes longer than others.

Lots of football this weekend...two games tomorrow and then pictures on Sunday....I hardly have time to think.

Sometimes it is good to be so busy. I am GLAD that you are getting your life back. I look around sometimes and I am amazed at how much really has changed in 9 months. It's about the small steps. They really do add up to a lot.

Scotty...did your WH ever try to break your plan B....did he try to call or force you to see him? My WH pretty much honors this now although there were a few times that he called or of course my seeing him at the games...but that was not his doing. I'm just curious. Is he still with OW?

I'm not expecting WH to be at games this weekend....he absolutely does nothing with or for these kids unless it's his weekend. It's pouring rain here in Texas and so gloomy outside. I guess I'll be taking an umbrella with me to these games. I'll be gone all day from 1:00 till 8:00.

My new way of eating has helped me to shed 10 more lbs:) I get about 1500 calories a day...which I never meet...it's hard really to get it all in. I get
2 fruits
2 proteins
2 protein supplements
6 veggies
1 starch...ugghhh that is the hard part
8g of fat
5 water bottles
1 incidental like ff/sf jello

I stopped taking my meds for diabetes and have not had a single spike in my sugar. I don't know if I should have done that yet or not, but I'm checking it closely after I eat and in the morning. I can't believe how much energy I have and how great I feel. I have 50 more lbs to go...I'm 225 right now and i would love to be 200 by thanksgiving....if that's possible. I'd have to lose 3 lbs a week for that to happen....that may be wishful thinking....but I'm determined more than ever to stick this out. I'm starting to see the old me....hasn't been there in more than 15 years. I can almost see the girl I knew in high school.

I have many other areas to work on...like my finances....but this area of weightloss was a huge obstacle for me....I'm so excited.

My WH did try to break Plan B in the beginning. He refused to use the IMs at first. He would come onto our porch when he picked the kids up and dropped them off but he had to get DS7's booster seat. When DS7 stopped using it, I told the kiddos that Daddy didn't need to come on the porch anymore. He apparently told DS7 that he liked to. DS7 said, "Is that because you think of Mommy?" He stopped coming on the porch that day. There have been a few things that have slipped, like WH passing some messages through the kids. Asking DS10 questions when he is on the phone with him. I refuse to talk at all when WH is on the phone. I am staying as dark as possible and even my voice is part of that. I have received a few messages from the IMs that are directly from him. He doesn't send the message like he is sending it to them, more like they will cut and paste it. Nothing really that interesting. So, I would say that after the initial shock wore off, he pretty much follows my NC rule. Apparently though, some of my friends have suggested that he does things to try to get me to talk to him. Things that he knows would piss me off. Also, Pep suggested that some things he does for the kiddos, like sending home snacks, may be his way of meeting ENs for me. I don't read into any of it.

As far as if he is still with OW, the answer would be a GIANT YES. I had a bit of a different experience than a lot of people in that I found out about their "friendship" almost 3 years ago. I received an anonymous phone call from their workplace. I was in shock. The caller told me that my WH was hanging around with OW and that they were making a fool out of me. My WH had always told me that some of his co-workers told him that they would call me to tell me some of the things he said at work. At first, I thought this is what was going on. I realized quickly that she was trying to tell me that she thought my WH was having an affair and she said OW's name. I had never heard my WH even mention her name before. I called him and he came home. We talked all weekend. He convinced me that this woman who called me just didn't like him because she had tried to make advances on him and he turned her down. He said that she had been an old friend of OW's and was just jealous. He was genuinely angry with this woman because I had been hurt by the call. I started an online friendship with OW. We were friends on FB and we emailed eachother.

I found out that the two of them had called eachother on the cell phones and I was ANGRY. They ate lunches together and they both changed when they went on breaks so it would be at the same time. I asked them to stop that. They said they did. I was also informed during that phone call, that they left work early to be together. I started tracking when WH got home. He was paid hourly. I started to match up the hours and they didn't add up. He also had unexplained vacation time being used. The summer of 09, he stopped bringing his paystubs home. OW had stopped being my FB friend in Jan 09. I sent her an email, and she never responded. I found out in Mar 09, that WH had been secretly calling her for 9 months. I found cell records and I was FURIOUS. I tried to talk to OW and WH and neither of them would answer their phones. I actually had a HUGE AO where I threw our cell phone on the ground and it smashed. I had had enough. I called OW again and told her that she needed to speak to me. She came to see me at a donut shop near my house. We talked for 45 minutes. She was smug and I had wanted to smack her across the face. We had a genuine talk. She said that if she won the lottery, she would give me money(my stomach sinks now, because I figure WH told her he couldn't leave me because of the money). I told her that all I wanted from her was to stay away from my husband.

I went out the next night and told WH that I needed some time to figure stuff out. I was in our car. It was Mar13/09 I had decided that I would sleep in my car. WH was worried about me. He kept calling and calling. He asked me if there was another guy and that's why I was doing this. I told him that there wasn't. I came home to a broken man. BUT, he wouldn't give up OW. I had promises of, "We won't see eachtohter outside of work. I won't talk to her other than things about work. We are just friends and we will keep it that way." BLAH BLAH BLAH. A couple of months later, my Mom saw them walking together near their workplace. I LOST IT. It was UGLY. We got to our anniversary and he gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I was CRUSHED. I didn't know what to do. I didn't cry or beg. I was very clinical in my explanation about what would happen if he left us. It was AWFUL and I was DYING inside. I was so lost and confused.

Then WH had a plan. He would move into his "friends(OW)'s" spare bedroom. We would still have a chance. We would try to date but some time apart was all we needed. He would still put ALL of his money into our account and only take out what he needed for food and gas because this great "FRIEND" wouldn't charge him rent. He would come into our home and watch our children while I worked and I would use our car to get back and forth to work. When I needed groceries, we would go shopping as a family. He would still come home and fix things and take care of us. We may even wind up back together. And the kicker? He wouldn't leave until sometime in FEBRUARY. YES, FEBRUARY. 5 months later. What day? We would figure that out as it got closer. That brings me to Oct 30/09. I did a search in google on "How to survive my husband's affair?" And this site popped up. I was saved. The rest of my story, up until this point, is written in my thread.

Sorry about the novel. It IS therapeutic to write it out. I can look at it almost clinically now. It's like it happened to someone else. It is still awful and I miss my DH terribly. I hope that one day, he will return. This WH who is OW's boyfriend, is NOT someone I love.

There are a few cracks in my Plan B curtain, which is somewhat unavoidable with children. I KNOW that WH hasn't introduced OW to ANYONE in our life, with exception to our children(ARGH, he lives there so they see her every weekend ARGH). None of his other family or any of his old friends(he stopped talking to all of them) have met her. Even when he runs into people out in a store, he doesn't introduce her and she walks away(told you there are holes). I don't hang my hope on any of it though. My WH was always a man that would ignore a problem in hopes it would disappear. He could go on like this for YEARS. I don't sit around and wait, but I am not going to date. I am married and it is wrong to date while you are married. Besides, there are a bunch of other reasons why I wouldn't date. 2 of those reasons are upstairs playing in their room.

I just focus on taking care of myself and my children and making my life better. I pray every morning, and every night for my WH and our family. I know what I am doing is right and I cringe when I think about what would have happened had I not found MB.

Do you understand how telling this behavior is?

It speaks volumes to HIS shame. She walks away because she KNOWS he is ashamed of her.

It goes unspoken between them.


It will be their undoing.

SB

Bump for Hope to see Schoolbus' comment.

I'm sorry I've been away so many days....football is killing me slowly. It's so time consuming to be gone every night from 6-8....there's not time for anything.

Scotland, thanks for that summary of your situation. I think it's so strange how these waywards want to stay and toil with the idea of commitment. Why do they do that? Why don't they just get out and run to the other woman?

WH actually contacted my IM and told him that he can't take son to football game because of a class he has on Saturday from 8:30-12:30. He said, "she can either take him and I'll pick him up after game or he can miss his game."

Well, I'm just keeping DS7 until his game is over and them WH can pick him up after. My Im still doesn't filter everything...he basically forwards the message.

I'm looking forward to the weekend for a little rest. My DD14 soon to be 15 failed every subject for the first 6 weeks....WH doesn't realize it, but his actions have far reaching effects. I'm not letting her use this as an excuse....she's grounded, but point in fact....this has never happened before. Usually a C here or there, but not this.

Sometimes, I don't know what to do anymore. How will I know that my kids are going to be ok?