Here are the custody statutes. Next time she abuses you FILE A POLICE REPORT. See #8 below-- if there is abuse on record, the Court could find in your favor regarding custody.

36-6-106. Child custody. �

(a) In a suit for annulment, divorce, separate maintenance, or in any other proceeding requiring the court to make a custody determination regarding a minor child, the determination shall be made on the basis of the best interest of the child. The court shall consider all relevant factors, including the following, where applicable:

(1) The love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents or caregivers and the child;

(2) The disposition of the parents or caregivers to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent or caregiver has been the primary caregiver;

(3) The importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; provided, that, where there is a finding, under subdivision (a)(8), of child abuse, as defined in � 39-15-401 or � 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in � 37-1-602, by one (1) parent, and that a nonperpetrating parent or caregiver has relocated in order to flee the perpetrating parent, that the relocation shall not weigh against an award of custody;

(4) The stability of the family unit of the parents or caregivers;

(5) The mental and physical health of the parents or caregivers;

(6) The home, school and community record of the child;


(7) (A) The reasonable preference of the child, if twelve (12) years of age or older;

(B) The court may hear the preference of a younger child on request. The preferences of older children should normally be given greater weight than those of younger children;

(8) Evidence of physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person; provided, that, where there are allegations that one (1) parent has committed child abuse, as defined in � 39-15-401 or � 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in � 37-1-602, against a family member, the court shall consider all evidence relevant to the physical and emotional safety of the child, and determine, by a clear preponderance of the evidence, whether such abuse has occurred. The court shall include in its decision a written finding of all evidence, and all findings of facts connected to the evidence. In addition, the court shall, where appropriate, refer any issues of abuse to the juvenile court for further proceedings;


(9) The character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent or caregiver and the person's interactions with the child; and


(10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.


(b) Notwithstanding the provisions of any law to the contrary, the court has jurisdiction to make an initial custody determination regarding a minor child or may modify a prior order of child custody upon finding that the custodial parent has been convicted of or found civilly liable for the intentional and wrongful death of the child's other parent or legal guardian.


(c) As used in this section, �caregiver� has the meaning ascribed to that term in � 37-5-501.

(d) Nothing in subsections (a) and (c) shall be construed to affect or diminish the constitutional rights of parents that may arise during and are inherent in custody proceedings.

[Acts 1995, ch. 428, � 2; 1998, ch. 1003, � 1; 1998, ch. 1095, �� 2, 3; 2000, ch. 683, � 2; 2007, ch. 245, �� 1-3.]

One more Tennessee statute and reason to document abuse.

36-6-112. Protective parent reform. �

(a) This section shall be known as and may be cited as the �Protective Parent Reform Act.�

(b) [Deleted by 2006 amendment.]

(c) If a parent makes a good faith allegation based on a reasonable belief supported by facts that the child is the victim of child abuse, child neglect, or the effects of domestic violence,and if that parent acts lawfully and in good faith in response to that reasonable belief to protect the child or seek treatment for the child, then that parent shall not be deprived of custody, visitation, or contact with the child, or restricted in custody, visitation, or contact, based solely on that belief or the reasonable actions taken based on that belief.

(d) If an allegation that a child is abused is supported by a preponderance of the evidence, then the court shall consider such evidence of abuse in determining the visitation arrangement that is in the best interest of the child, and the court shall not place a child in the custody of a parent who presents a substantial risk of harm to that child.


[Acts 2004, ch. 781, � 1; 2006, ch. 694, � 1.]

Thanks, PrincessMeggy!!

You're getting some fantastic advice from the posters here whom are mainly women responding to you. No one deserves to be abused. You are hesitant to proceed because you are concentrating on what you will lose rather than what you will gain.

I would definately consult an attorney quickly, let him know what is going on, and that you ahve the VAR that has the recorded outbursts, admitted affair, and threats.

She continues to put her hands on you because you allow her to.

ITA. JF, your posts scream "enabler" to me. She abuses you because you allow her to. She may have learned this behavior as an immature child, but she's an adult now. Tell me, who else does she physically abuse in this way? I'll answer: NO ONE. Why do you think she can refrain from this 'childhood behavior' around everyone but YOU?

When I was a child, it was Gunfight at the OK Corral around our house. I remember my mother taking a loaded gun out of my drunken father's hand - he'd been waving it at her. I remember bloody noses, courtesy of my brother's fist, when I was 12, 13 years old. I was molested, verbally abused, and had to wear my brother's clothes to school because we had no money. When there was extra money it went to pay the woman who was severly injured when my father got drunk and decided to drive and hit her.

The Ozzie and Harriet clan did not live at my house. Violence and hard-scrabble living was the order of the day. I've never struck my children or husband. Tell me why your WW's abuse should be condoned because she witnessed physical violence as a child. That does NOT make it acceptable for one human to abuse another.

And the more you allow it, the more she hates your wimpiness. What a horrible, toxic atmosphere for your son! At least think of him! And then she threatens, blackmails & manipulates you on top of the physical abuse???


JR, if you can't grow a set for yourself, at least grow a set for your little guy!

You have been given fine advice here, and I notice you finding reasons for why this advice won't work in your situation. You have been given a great amount of legal advice - use it!

I know I have allowed the bad behavior.

For years now its always been, "I'm leaving you if you keep pushing."

Last night I told her that this was her last chance to at least admit the behavior is unacceptable.

it went pretty bad.

I talked most of the time, she deflected or insulted. Even still called the OM in the affair a great man.

After about 2 hours she gets up and says she has listened to enough of my S**t, and goes to bed.

Its the same story from her. she keeps saying "I'll never be what you want."


I'm going to speak to an lawyer today if possible, start a divorce process. They said they can supina her SMS records with the OM if there is a divorce filed.

I have tried to support her for years, and she flat out refuses to work with me. I have to believe now that she just doesn't want to, perhaps hasn't wanted to for a long time.

I can't make someone change, I have laid out everything in my heart to her, but continue to get nothing but insults and threats back.

I appreciate your help in this.

This is so true. If you are in the right, and know you are in the right, and have a good aggressive lawyer, you stand a good chance of winning everything, even if you are a man. My father ultimately got custody and child support for several years.

JF, I think you are doing the right thing. But keep this in mind: the attorney works for you. Attorneys typically pursue the path of least resistance and will do so if you let him. I would tell him you want to file on grounds of adultery and physical abuse and that you want the house, primary custody with no alimony. Try and get the OM and all his records subpeonaed into court.

But most importantly, tell him to help you get her out of the house so you can go into Plan B. She is so abusive that you need her GONE. The last thing you need is to file and have her there abusing you every day. That would be a nightmare.

I think your wife will be shocked because she does not believe you will do anything to stop her. This might wake her up enough to recover the marriage. And if it doesn't, then you are better off without her.

I would file, have her served. After her initial fury, she will likely come to you and throw some crumbs to get you to drop your case. [that is usually what happens] If that happens, I would tell her you will "give her an opportunity" to turn this around and *IF* she does, you will consider dropping the suit. But, don't make the mistake of dropping the case on a promise, otherwise all your efforts will be wasted.

It will take a lot to motivate her to change and raising the bar may just do it. But if she won't change, you will be better off without her. If she does agree to work on recovery, I would strongly suggest you do the Marriage Builders online program because you are going to need the help of a coach AND Dr Harley to turn this around. Dr Harley will likely send her off to anger management classes. But, he could be your baseball bat instead of you having to fight with her.

OM has no real records (From Mexico, in the US Illegally) although he is being helped by the state of TN to hold custody of his daughters. (No idea how that works legally but i'ts true)

Going to the lawyer today, starting the process. Getting phone records also.

She called me this morning saying she is sorry for last night, why don't we just read the books more.

I said that reading but refusing to actually listen to them is still doing nothing.

She said she is still "Confused" but she can't say what she is confused about. I told her she has to actually work and figure out what she wants... Then she got upset again saying that she doesn't know how to figure things out. I told her that staying in this "I can't do it" mindset is toxic, she should at least try. She then told me to "go back to work".


Still going through with the lawyer. This situation has to end, one way or another.

JF, did you have that conversation with her that I outlined previously about getting professional marriage help? If she would agree to that, it might be your solution. You have tried doing it on your own, but this situation requires a professional, IMO.

Can you report him to ICE?

The entire time I tried talking to her last night she:

Blamed me for the behavior.

Said I was raised like a prince, and couldn't understand that her raising made her like this.

Insulted me.

Tried to change subjects.

Called the OM a "Great Man", when comparing him to me.

Said that she doesn't think she even wants to be nice to me.



This isn't a new situation. I've tried to get her to go see someone, by herself, with me, whatever. She won't do it. She might say she wants to the day after she blows up, but after that, if I bring it up she gets angry again.

I've lived for 6+ years being told I'm the most worthless man alive. That I should kill myself, or she would be better off with me dead (But that I should get a good life insurance policy first!)


Anyway, its the same old story.

Some variable has to change, and its finally going to be me staying firm.

I am not a terrible person.

I do not deserve this treatment and abuse.


I could live in a fantasy world before, giving her the "she was raised in a bad situation" nod. But instead of being thankful that I constantly withstood her beatings, she decided to have an affair.

I can't fix this on my own, and I sure can't fix it with someone who doesn't even want to try and fix it with me.

Gotcha. I think your plan to contact an attorney is the best idea. Contact an attorney and get that ball rolling. If you continue like this you will grow to HATE her and when that happens, it really is too late. It may be too late now.

I could, but they most likely already know about him. He is being protected by the TN state gov CPS (child services).

I'm sure the information about him smoking pot with my wife would damage him, but really its not him, its my wife that has and continues to do me the most disrespect.


Personally I think he has a bad moral code, trying to get my wife to leave me, but I'm quite sure she made our marriage out to be a terrible place to live.

I'd say to try and get the OM deported if you wanted to save your marriage, but my recommendation is to get away from this toxic woman. Divorce her now with the meanest attorney you can get, and then IF she gets help and changes her behavior drastically, you can consider remarrying her in the future. But in the meantime, you need to get away from her legally so she cannot abuse you or your son, destroy you emotionally, and clean you out financially.

Do it anyway.



..and you're waiting on what again...?

Getting things settled out with a lawyer first.

I'm sure he can let me know if going after the OM might make me seem vengeful or dangerous. I don't want my wife to have any more made-up reasons for blaming me for this situation.


I'm pretty certain that once things get in the legal world, his status and involvement will be brought up, in the most correct and legal way possible.

Keep repeating this to yourself. Heck, get a tattoo with it if necessary. Tell yourself that the craziness stops today.

I haven't exposed the affair or our problems to everyone.

I think I have to now.

Besides including her family and mine, should I involve anyone else? I'm thinking about including a message to our son's school headmaster (he is almost 8). It is a very small private Christian school.

I know they would be supportive, but I have serious doubts that my wife would accept any support. (Could it do more harm than good?)

Family and the school headmaster are a good start. I would expose to your son, in age appropriate language, as well.

He has SEEN your wife's anger, he needs help making sense of it. He needs you to keep him from moral ambiguity. He needs you to reassure and comfort him.

Exposure will be your best bet.