I'm about 2 to 3 weeks out from no contact. I was feeling like the fog was lifting. I was very very ashamed and disgusted at myself. Wondering how in the world I could have been so stupid and short sighted to have had an affair. I saw my Dr. to get anti depressants and made an appointment with a therapist. I unfriended the OM on FB, stopped contact with my best friend who helped in the affair, deleted his number from my phone. My BH is working on getting transfered to a different state.

And then OM emailed me. It's an email address I very rarely use. And all these feelings came flooding back. I'm back to square one. He asked me to meet up with him just one last time. I'm slipping back into the fog, thinking, how much could it hurt to just see him one more time?? Then I'd get him out of my system. I know in my head that it's not true. I know it's an addiction.

So my advice, NO CONTACT has to be for LIFE. Seriously. Even just reading his email was enough to undo what work I've done, and yes I know I'm just at the very beginning anyway. But I feel myself looking at all the negative of my BH and justifying. My FIL was in a succesful affairage for 30 years until his wife died. My father has been in a successful affairage for 15 years.

I really truly thought I could see him or talk to him and I would be fine and the feelings would be over.

And no I have not told BH about the contact yet. I'm slipping.

lady - I am SO glad you've stuck around.

NC for LIFE. No other way.

Have you exposed the affair to your BH? Your post implies he knows but I wanna be sure.

Also - PICK UP THE PHONE NOW!!! and call your husband. TELL HIM about the contact.

The contact has put HIS recovery back to zero, too. The longer you go without telling him, the FURTHER BACK his recovery is set. You have created a secret with OM with this second contact, a secret at the expense of your BH.

Call him, then post again.

As for long term affairages, my mother is in a 26 year affairage, I wouldn't say I'd call the relationship 'succesful' more like... limping along. I wouldn't doubt if there were infidelities either. I seriously doubt your parent's affairages were 'successful'.

Call call call call.

It is a good sign that you've reached out here as a source of support, it means you WANT to do the right thing. You have the courage! You CAN do the right thing!!!!

Cal your husband. Please.

Also, tonight, sit with your husband and compose a No Contact letter. Give it to your husband to deliver to OM. Then: change ALL phone numbers. Close ALL email accounts but one, and that one your husband has the password to. I'd disconnect from Facebook for a while. If OM is persistent he can make fake accounts to try to get through to you. Take facebook time and turn it into marriage rebuilding time.

Make it IMPOSSIBLE for there to be further contact.

Oh... and CALL YOUR HUSBAND!!!!

Thanks for sharing this, I know it can't be easy.

We can hear from other posters, the "vets", and even Dr. Harley himself how addictive an affair can be and how any contact puts you back at square one, but hearing it from a WS themselves really validates these concepts.

You know what you MUST do, you must tell your BH. Of course he will not be happy to find out there was contact, but if you are honest with him about your feelings and how you are resisting even though it is hard, then he may empathize and help give you the strength you need to re-establish NC.

If he finds out about the contact without you telling him, he will be joining you back at square one of his recovery. Actually, it will be further back than square one. For me, every discovery of broken NC made me want less and less to recover the marriage. The affair I could forgive, the continued lying and sneaking I could not.

Ladyisis,

You need to let your husband know right away. Send your husband the email that OM sent you. Your husband can send OM an email, so that OM clearly understand that you two are working on your M, and that neither of you wants anything to do with him! Don't wait, it will show your BH that you really want to work on the M.

Good luck
Rizos

Ladyisis,

If for no one else please tell your H for your childrens sake, they need a Mother who can function.

God Bless
Gamma

Do it, lady. Help those kids.

I waited until BH got home to tell him. I showed him the message and told him I didn't know why he sent it. BH didn't say much, just "cool".

BH has been weird about this whole thing, like he is in serious denial or something. He didn't even let me tell him everything on D-day. When I told him, he said as long as it's over then he doesn't care what happened in the past, as long as we can go forward and I don't mess up our family. I'm afraid that his reaction is because he is having an affair. I asked him to end contact with a woman he has been spending too much time with and he blew up at me. He said I should trust him and it would make ME look stupid if he broke off contact. I told him he had too anyways and he said okay but was very mean and hateful for days afterwards. He reacted more strongly to breaking contact with her than he did about my affair which says alot to me. Basically our M is a mess but I'm trying to go forward and make myself better no matter what happens.

I personally exposed myself to my family. They didn't care which I knew they wouldn't because they are so disfunctional.

lady,
I agree NC has to be for LIFE.

Telling your H was the first step. You can not build a healthy M w/ secrets or lies. Let him know you feel you are slipping.

I also he agree he needs to end contact w/ the woman he is spending time with. He may feel justified based on your affair, but it is still wrong.

lady - recalling what I do about your H I am a bit disturbed by his behavior. It seems he is having an affair himself. Which would describe his reaction. I would snoop to find out.


Yes, this speaks volumes.

If he's in an affair himself, your infidelity just gives him the ok to keep doing what he is doing.

I'd advise you to read up on Plan A. I'd also suggest you read Hitch2007's thread, she sounds like she is in a similar situation.

You've done the right things lady- regardless of HIS actions. You've started on the path to a better you, and that is a GOOD thing.

What other steps have you taken to ensure NC?