It's simply a consequence of carrying on an affair. That's it, that's all.

Yeah, it's just a hope I have, that maybe I'd get some evidence out of taking the car as well. I know that I should've gotten the car months ago, but I was too scared. I know that no matter how angry he gets, it's all HIS fault, not mine. It is not my fault that he will be losing "his" car. I guess he will be in for a big dose of reality.

Question, should I delete all mutual friends that my WH and I have on fb? Some of them are still in contact with him and although they do not talk to me about him, they could possibly be allowing my WH to view my profile and see my status or pictures of the boys. What do you all think?

Tinker, I have been following along. You sound better and I am happy to see that you are checking in more often

Yes, I think I would defriend/block these folks. Are there a lot? Was the A exposed to them?

There's only a couple of people that I know are still in contact with him. And yes they knew of the A, but after they talked to him they have decided to take his side. So I'm just going to go ahead and block them.

Also, I am just so nervous about taking the car back. I even have feelings of guilt for wanting to do that to him. I imagine how he will look when he sees his car is gone. I don't know why I care, I really shouldn't. I still love him. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I have made life so much more difficult for my parents. They are stressed being in their 50s and having to help me with the 3 children, constantly. I feel that it is al my fault. I could've stayed in LA and just dealt with his philandering. I had a ONS 7 years ago, so how could I judge him if he wanted to have another woman and possibly leave me? I just think about the burden I put on my parents by coming back here. The choices I made have led to me being cheated on. In a way, I feel that I deserved this.

Yes. You still love your husband. That is a good thing. You married him cause you wanted a committed relationship with him and you, at least are still committed to him. That is okay.

The car. He will be 'hurt' it is gone and mad that it was taken away. His life will be a bit less simple over there. So what. It isn't his car. It isn't in his name. He isn't even making payments on it or paying for insurance. Period. Fact of life.

Your parents are doing what all parents tend to do. Supporting their child in a critical time of life. It isn't fun for them. It adds stress for them. Let's hope your own kids avoid doing that to you when they are grown. Just let your folks know you appreciate what they are doing by asking to help them any way you can and to let them know your plans into the future and then.....follow those plans. They love you.

i'm just scared i guess. i never wanted to be a single mother. hte idea of living on my own scares me. and yet i don't want to live with my parents because i don't want to live in their mess. a lot of issues with past stuff from my childhood and teen years. i just never thought my WH would do this. he hasn't even called the kids since sep. 5th. he has sent me hardly any money. the last time was in june and it was $200. i filed for CS but they haven't gotten to my paperwork yet. i'm barely making it financially and i have no car. (another reason dad is going to get the car). i just wish WH would get his head out of his A$$ and do what is right. i can't believe i actually let myself believe that God would desire for me to suffer like this due to my past failures as a wife. i can't believe i let myself think that God wanted my WH toi leave me.

feeling sad and stressed. i want the kids to have a good mom. but i feel that everything is on my shoulders and i'm feeling so mad that WH doesn't have to deal with any of this. i rarely get to just "relax". i know this is what all BS feel like when they have children. i love them so much. i know for sure that parenting was never meant to be a one person job. mommy and daddy are supposed to be there. that's what makes it so sick, that the waywards just give up on their kids and turn their backs for some sick and twisted A.

I am having anxiety over getting my car back. I'm really nervous about it and worried about how he will react and what he will try to do to me, whether it be through hurtful words or actions. Maybe he will file for D immediately and never look back. It seems that has already happened, just without the paperwork. He hasn't looked back. I am getting on with my life, I'm doing what I gotta do and I am learning a lot from all of you and from my own mistakes. I know you all say I will be okay, even if he never comes back, but I really wonder how I will truly be "ok". I know that in the future I will have a good job and I will take care of my kids no matter what, but if I have to share custody with WH and have vampira around my children, well....it makes me want to kill him.

AND, my five year old is asking questions about daddy. He wants to know why daddy doesn't like me anymore and why I don't talk to daddy. I have told him that his daddy is choosing to stay in CA and that if he really wanted to be a good daddy that he would come home. I explained that his daddy does love him, but right now he doesn't know how to do that the way that he should. I didn't mention anything about vampira. Should I tell him about that?

Yes. You need to say "Daddy isn't home because he has a girlfriend in California and married people should not do that. That is why Mommy isn't talking with him. It is too painful for Mommy. You can still talk with him on the phone. He will always be your Daddy and you can love each other. That will never change."

Don't add anything nasty about vampira, like call her that or say mean things about Daddy. No matter what.

That being said, the child needs to know why his life is a wreck in a matter of fact way from you, his mother. He needs to know you will be truthful on him and he can count on you to lean on in life.

The car. Of course you are anxious. Stay dark no matter what your WH's reaction is. If he files. If he tries to contact you about it. Stay dark. Dark as dark can be. The car issue will not be the deciding factor in the outcome of the marriage. It won't It is small potatoes. It may trigger a response. An unpleasant one but will not be the straw that pushes the ultimate outcome a certain way. Nope.

I know what you mean about being scared. I am scared to death of being alone. I have been a SAHM for over 7 years. I do have a teaching degree, thank God for that, but no job. If I decided to end it I would have to move home with my parents and look for a job. With my WH recently getting fired from his stable job because of his A with the co-worker, his new company is starting off really slow. We have drained almost all our funds and there would be no child support or alimony for that matter to help me out. I feel stuck.

My WH told me that he was only having an EA, but a co-worker told me otherwise and he finally admitted the truth. Sometime I feel like my life isn't worth much, but I have 3 beautiful kids that I'm not about to let a "cheater" take away from me. Besides Jesus, they are my rock.

I know exactly how you feel. Jesus and my kids are the only reason I haven't hung myself. I really never knew that I could feel such pain. I didnt know this type of pain existed. I never thought that this would happen to me. Just as I'm sure you never thought that as well. It is heartbreaking. And it feels like we, the betrayed spouses, get a whole bunch of crap while the WS gets to do whatever they want and enjoy their life. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my life, especially the kids, but I have all the responsibility that I normally had, plus HIS responsibility. All the while my WH is able to keep up his appearance and stay healthy because all he has to worry about is himself. He can go work out whenever and he can eat right because he doesn't have 5 million things to do each day. all he has to do is go to work and screw vampira. what a life. well, he wanted his freedom, now he has it. bella- how long have you been in plan A? or are you in plan B?

R- yeah, that is pretty much what I told my 5 year old. but i had messed up before and said stuff about my WH while he was in ear shot. I didn't say anything real nasty and I wasn't calling names, but my son caught on that I was upset with his dad. He asked me why didn't I like his daddy anymore. That's when I started to explain what was really going on.

I'm feeling better about the car. When you look at the facts it's clear that he has no right to have that car. When he gets mad and tries to throw a temper tantrum, then I will ignore it because it is ridiculous for him to get mad about that. He knows damn well he hasn't been paying for that car for 8 months and he hasn't paid for his own kids either! He really has nothing to complain about.

If you are in plan B and living separately, and he is not paying for his kids, he needs to have a legal order in place to pay for them.

What plan are you in? Why is he paying for the affair and not his children?

I took my ex WH to court several times when he chose to pay for the mistress and her kid(s) rather than his own child. And guess what...the court MADE him do the right thing.

Waywards will never chose anything else except for what benefits themselves.


You need to work on you right now. Never feel like any man is worth harm to yourself ever. You are a beautiful and wonderful woman and know that your children love you so much.

I felt horrible and awful at times, but I used the time away from the WS to work on me. And it's funny, but I kinda liked myself better after that Hugs.

tinker,

If your child was using his bicycle to go buy drugs,

you would take the bike away.


If your teenager was using his car to go meet friends who were leading him into trouble

you would take the car away.


Your husband has no legal ownership to the car.
You are removing his access to the car for many reasons, only one of which is that it facilitates his increased access to his "drug of choice", vampira.


As the betrayed spouse, it makes no sense for you or your family to do ANYTHING THAT FURTHERS THE AFFAIR.

Additionally, you should not provide financial or other support, including a vehicle, that increases his ability to carry on his affair.

Removing his access to this vehicle is one step in a long line of things you should do, and should have done, to make chinks in the armor of his protection of this infidelity.


Whether or not he gets angry is not your concern.


HE CAN JUST PUT ON HIS HAPPY PANTS AGAIN.

HIS CHOICE - JUST AS WAS THE AFFAIR.


If he doesn't like the fact that he lost the car, tell him that he can certainly drive it again, when he returns to the marriage and dumps his girlfriend.

Tell him Schoolbus hopes he enjoys the fresh air on his walk to work. And the store. And to get coffee. And to lunch. And to pay his bills. And everywhere else that vampira won't drive him to.

Poor poor pitiful adulterer.


SB

Love it!!!!

Yes, I filed for CS back in June. Still waiting for htem to do something. I call them every two weeks and they still haven't gotten to my paperwork yet.

I am doing the best I can to work on me. I am doing better htan I was a month or two ago, so I am making progress. I'm definitely not feeling as awful as I was when I was living with WH in CA. That's when I felt like hanging myself. I think God made sure I was pregnant for this ordeal so I wouldn't do any harm to myself. I never would've thought I would be the type to have suicidal thoughts, but when I found out about my WH and his A I was devastated. I had never felt any pain like it. It was the worst feeling ever. It still is. I just don't want to kill lmyself anymore. Which is a good thing! Thank the Lord. He helped me to feel better about myself and guided me to this website. I'm sure of that!
Thank you for the encouragement!@

AMEN. SB- You are a God send. I don't know what I would do without your sound advice! Thank you....wish I could tell you in person! THANK YOU!!!!!

Ditto!