No, the only HARM you are doing is ending her affair, and really is that such a bad thing??

Uh huh. That's a crock and you know it. Don't let her blameshift. She is manipulating you. Read my post again. I don't hit my husband. I never (yuck!) would molest a child. Most people are not resigned to relive/react the experience of their youth! Unless they are psychotic, they choose. Do you think your WW is psychotic? Does she? I doubt it. Kick the legs out from under this game she's playing, using you as the football.

Oh. Yeah. Do this now. This will change a lot of things. This will create a huge power shift in this game she's playing.

@__JL__

Dude you are f********* an ENABLER. you tell us your son is not being abused. Bravo Sierra. Every time your son witnesses abuse he is being abused. And I'm going to tell you in no uncertain terms: By you allowing this you are an ABUSER too.

In the state of California if something should happen to your son because of her abuse. Child Protective Services can and will remove your son from your custody because of your knowledge of her abusive behavior.

A. You say your WW is abusive because of the abuse she suffered as a child.
B. This means that your son will become an abuser.

So if you really believe the premise of A then you must believe premise B. This logic is not XOR. It is an AND function.

In order for premise B to not be true. You must remove him from WW and her abuse.

PROTECT THE CHILD!

No more justifications for her behavior or why you allow it to continue.

Went to the lawyer.

Started divorce process, told my wife, she blew up, left for awhile(2hrs) then came back. (She didn't go to OM.)

I was really worried for her though she was very emotional, so I called the family and explained what was going on, asked them all to send her messages of support, letting her know she has multiple safe people to go to.

Her mother though, wow, she wanted to start talking about how terrible my wife was as a child. There is no doubt where my wife learned the behavior. It is just awful to me that this hate has been passed down from mother to daughter.


My wife is furious, saying I betrayed her by "going to a lawyer behind her back" but the previous night I told her it was her last chance to tell me she would work towards the marriage and she said "no, I don't have it in me."

SO...


Can anyone point me to some good ways to handle this with my son? Suggestions on what to say, what not to say, and how to say it?

JF, you did a good job! I would be very factual with you son because if you don't tell him the truth, she will tell him lies and you will end up with a very confused kid.

I would tell him exactly WHY you have filed, her affair, continued contact with OM and her ABUSE of you. Yes, tell him about this so he can be prepared if she starts with him. Tell him you don't want a divorce and want to save the marriage. Tell him you are hoping that his mother changes her mind and will work on the marriage together.

And be on the watch out for offers to "change" in the "future" or other crumbs designed to get you to drop the divorce. If she offers to change, tell her you will give her an opportunity to prove herself and if she does, THEN you will consider dropping the divorce. Watch for it, because I bet it comes!

What did her mother tell you about her?

When she(my wife) left last night I became extremely worried for her. I didn't want her to do something foolish or dangerous.

I called her mother and just said I've filed for divorce on the grounds of abuse and adultery(no reason to lie).

She said she was sorry, and I explained the history: verbal & emotional abuse for a long time, and things getting more physical as recently. I also explained the affair, who it was with and what happened.(as much as I know)

Her response was "What can I do." to which I responded that she needs to be supportive and nice.

She THEN told me that I "wouldn't believe the kind of crap she has put up with from my wife and her brother(my brother in law)"

I told her that the abusive behavior came from her, and she said I was "brainwashed" by my wife.

She wanted to turn the conversation right then on how she is an innocent loving mother with two horribly ungrateful children.

....

I have witnessed FIRST HAND the lovelessness and vile hate-filled actions this woman can perform. Even though I had just filed for divorce from my wife, I had enough and told my MIL to stop this right now, and just "use this chance to be a good mother."

My wife has some issues, her treatment of me is unacceptable. but so is her mothers treatment of her.


its a sick, sick situation, one that no one should have to go through.

JF you're doing good. You really are! Stay firm



Thus you see how abuse is a cycle that perpetuates itself through generations. It is ugly and destructive. However, despite her upbringing your wife has a CHOICE to continue as the product of the abuse, slave to her environment, or to STOP the cycle of abuse. It IS a choice.

She has chosen to not stop, so it falls to you to stop it, because your son is starting to soak it up. He will be raised in the same environment your wife was if you do nothing. He will be caught in the same trap as your wife. His future wife, his future children - YOUR GRANDCHILDREN will experience the same abuse if someone doesn't stand up and STOP IT!

You're doing good JF, you're doing what it takes to stop this cycle of abuse. When you waver, just think of your potential grandchildren. Little innocents not yet born. Think of your future Daughter in Law - right now a beautiful little girl dreaming of her Prince Charming. Think of your son, with his whole life ahead of him.

Someone has to make a stand for them and their chance at happiness free from abuse. That task has fallen to you, stand firm JF. You're doing the right thing.

And in a perfect world no one would be going through it. However, that ain't our world.

Please do not become distracted by history and dysfunction in other families. Concentrate on your family. If your WW is 'programmed' because of her childhood issues, she's just going to have to de-program herself. I'm sorry if that sounds flip, but it's that simple. Her behavior, regardless of origin, has contributed to the state of your M today. Allowing her behavior has been your contribution to the state of your M today.

Bottom line - you're doing the right thing. Keep going. Think of your son.

Fallout started already.

Her mom now "hates me" and told my wife MIL has always "hated me".


Wife brought up that she hasn't committed adultery. "I looked it up" she said.


Her best friend told her that she would "say anything" to help my wife in court.


I have almost zero hope for this turning out with reconciliation.



I am just completely running on empty to think that I will now be punished harder because I stuck with her through all these hard years.

But I do see that this situation will pass. I'm not angry or hateful. I just want to see her and my son have the best life possible. That is my goal now, I'll suffer though this and he will be better for it.

Hang in there, JF! Your wife believes she can bully you into submission. Once she sees that tactic won't work for her anymore, she may rethink her strategy. Don't give up. You have nothing to lose here. If she doesn't come around, you will be better off without her. ]

Have you told your own family about this? If not, I would tell them so you can have their support.

What did your attorney say about getting her removed from the home? That is where I would focus even if you have to go to her and ask her to move out.

Yes, everyone knows.

WW is on attack mode now.

Going back to the attorney today, to discuss next steps. Yesterday was a very late appointment and we just got the paperwork started.

JF, if you speak to any more of her family members, I would use a different approach. I think you made her mother mad and now she is going to punish you. when you speak to her family, avoid making them mad by asking for their advice. Don't criticize her mother or other family members, simply ask for their advice and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to work on the marriage.

Always always always keep the VAR on you at all times. It's very likely she'll say that she'll call the cops and claim you hit her. Then you'll have it on recording. But do not let her know. Heck I'd even put in some hidden cam recorders in the living room and places like that in case she gets physically violence.

Whatever you do, do remain calm at all times.

I am by nature a very calm person, no worries on that one.


I spoke to her mother, and I think it was more my wife trying to threaten me. Although I can %100 believe her friends comment.

I was able to have a good calm talk with her mother, and at first her mom told me "adultery" is way to strong of a word.

After I told her the length of time things went on, and the physical nature and the huge emotional depth it got to she quieted down on that.

Doesn't matter. If she calls the police and claims DV or even just says she's afraid for her safety, the man is guilty until proven innocent. At the very least you will be removed from the home, if not taken into custody or forced to attend anger management counseling. Bullshiite or not, that gets taken into account during custody hearings, and counts against you.

Much safer to carry a VAR with you, and hide a few around the house. That way when the police show up, you play the recording for them, and they go away...possibly writing a report that the WW made a false DV claim. Look up PSUBiker's thread; doing this saved his bacon a couple of times.

Already taken(taking) the correct precautions.


Here is a thought I have...

I have some old emails I have sent to my wife during this process, expressing my feelings.

I have this thread, that shows I've been concerned for along time and working on the marriage.

I also have other things.. an old video, and many voice recordings of her.


Should I expose these things? I am torn on it because if I do so, she couldn't hide anymore. Things would be completely transparent.

but then she won't trust me, nor would anyone else trust me during another conversation through this process.

...

Whats the use of having this "proof" if all I end up with is a divorce and a collection of the worst moments of my life?

JF, kiltedthrower is right, you should carry the VAR with you at all times. We have examples on this board of WW's who made false claims of DV against their BH's and had them arrested and kicked out of their homes.

Another tactic is to clean out the bank accounts. I would strongly suggest you move your money right now and take her off any joint credit cards.

JF, I wouldn't pass around the things you have, but I would tell everyone why you are filing for divorce. Tell them about the affair and her abuse. tell them what you have tried to do to save you marriage. If you need to use your intel to back up that case, I would use it. But everyone should know the full truth.

Listen to Melody! She's a smart gal who's seen a lot on these boards and every situation imaginable.

Aside from carring the VAR. Get some very nonchalant recording cams or vid cams that are motion detected. Do not drop your tools to anyone...in these times you just don't know whom your friends really are or whom you think is and then suddenly turns against you. You don't want anything getting back to your wife. Remember...you're protecting yourself and your son. You do not want her to keep providing an example of how spouses should interact togther.


As far as getting the ball rolling, keep that VAR on you at all times. Talk to her and sit down and talk to her explaining that you do not want to be divorced but that you will not live in a marriage where adultery is happening and physical and emotional abuse is happening. You can explain how you feel she is abusive to you. And explain to her you will not tolerate physical abuse from her any longer and will call the police the next time she puts her hands on you. She will prob get mad, screaming, telling you she will make accusations. And then you have it all on the VAR.

I know it sucks to have to do this. But no one deserves to live in this situation. And this situation is extremely unhealthy to your son.
Good luck to you.