Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and only found the MB website in the last few days. I have read every page on Dr Harley's site, and being an avid student of psychology, I get it. What I didn't find was a situation like mine, so I decided to post and see what input I can find through a network of people who obviously have additional insight and knowledge that I may not have.

My husband and I have been together for 10 1/2 years, married for the last 5 1/2. We have been at a crossroads several times in our relationship, almost always involving infidelity, but we always decide to try and 'fix' the problems and work on our marriage instead of divorcing, which neither of us wants. We have two children, girls, ages 12 and 4, one of which is ours together, but my oldest daughter is from a previous relationship. Our youngest, our 4 year old daughter, is the biggest reason I always choose to work things out. We both love her dearly and the thought of separating and hurting what we have tried so hard to build is just something I don't feel we can do.

In ten years, he has cheated 8 or 9 times. I�m not really sure. With the exception of one, none of them was an emotional thing for him. He wouldn�t even barely know these people. For example, in one case he met someone online randomly, chatted with the other person for about 30 minutes online, and then told me he was going to the store. He came back 1 � hours later as if nothing had happened. I found out only because he left his chat window open and the person attempted to send him a message the next day while he was at work and it popped up on the computer, saying thanks for a great time. He never spoke to that person again. Cutting ties and leaving the situation after one encounter is easy for him. Then he took work on the road. Gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time. He�d call me every day, and check in, but I found out later that he had done the same thing again. Found someone in a chat room and met them in person, same night, had sex with them, and then never contacted them again. Only once did he appear to have any emotional attachment to the OW, and it was someone here in our town. She was married, and therefore he could not have anything more than what he had with her a few times, but we split up at that point, and I was ready for divorce. I moved out, started seeing someone else, and had the papers drawn up. But even though I had found someone who fulfilled every need he didn�t, this new person didn�t fill the needs that my husband did. Without the financial and domestic support that my husband fulfilled, the affection and admiration that I crave so much wasn�t enough. I agreed to come home and work on our marriage.
6 months later he had a week long affair with my close (no longer) friend. I found out, and it ended within two days. They have not spoken since. I on the other hand, have battled with letting the other guy from my separation time go. He loves me so much and wants to change everything in his life if it means he can be with me. My husband claims that his infidelities are simply because I don�t have sex with him enough. We�ve talked. We�ve shared our needs and wants. My husband claims he doesn�t understand how to be affectionate. He never learned how..he came from a very unemotional family. And when he tries, it feels absolutely fake. And he only tries when he wants to have sex, which in turn strengthens my feeling that its fake. He wants me to work harder on domestic duties, and disciplining our children, and I have worked very hard in this area. I came from a household that was dirty, poor, unkempt, and the lifestyle was abusive, alcoholic, and I was sexually assaulted more than once during my childhood and adolescence. Sexual relations are just not that important to me as an adult. Love and affection are way more important. He doesn�t understand how to do it, no matter how much I explain it. He doesn�t understand why those things would be important to anyone. He asks, Why on earth, for example, would I want to talk about feelings? Why would that matter to me? Feeling angry or happy about something doesn�t change the situation, so why does it matter? Why should he waste time on something silly like sharing emotions? I on the other hand, understand he seems to have some sort of sexual addiction. A counselor has already told him this in one of our attempts to get help. He immediately stopped going because he said he wasn�t going to let some �shrink� tell him he is wrong for wanting to have sex a lot, or for masturbating 9 times a day. He says he won�t let someone try and reduce his sexual need or try and tell him it�s not normal.
If I say no to sexual contact, he is upset. He says he feels rejected. I am willing to cuddle, and touch, and anything along those lines, but if I touch him, he instantly thinks it means its time for sex and if he touches me, even to hold my hand, it is intended to start the process that leads to sex. I�m at a point where sex with us feels like I�m being used. Like it wouldn�t matter if it was me, or some OW in that bed. And I don�t think it would. Sex and love are on different ends of the spectrum for him.
I really want to fix this. We�ve been together for 10 years. We lived together 5 years before he proposed, with two infidelities in the first two years, but none after that. I thought we had worked past it and so I was emphatically ready to get married. It was only 2 years into our marriage when his first infidelity in our marriage happened. It has been a year since his last, yet I find pornography on his computer and phone, and his attitudes and ideas have not changed. It�s like a dry alcoholic with no treatment. Still an addict/alcoholic, but staying abstinent to prove a point. I have no doubt that without attending to whatever issue causes him to do it, he will do it again sometime. The OM that I was involved with has resurfaced occasionally. He�s dated a few women, but keeps checking to see if I�ve tired of my situation I think. I don�t sleep with him, and only occasionally answer a text message, usually to say I�m fine, I�m busy, I�m with my husband, or something along those lines. Emotionally though, he is obviously still in the back of my mind quite a bit. The emotional needs I got filled by this man are still lacking in my own relationship. So the temptation to just call this man up and start an affair are great. I won�t do it, because I look at my daughters, my house, my husband, and the life I�ve chosen, and I don�t want to hurt anyone. What I�ve worked so hard for is more important. But sometimes it feels like I�m fighting an uphill battle, by myself.

Hi moonraven, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley has written several articles on this issue. I would start here and then move onto his next article: Addiction to Pornography

MR,

First things first, you have to fix yourself, this you can do on your own no matter what you Husband does, so lets take him out of the equation for right now.

End ALL contact with OM, every time you speak with him or any kind of ex boyfriend it undermines your relationship with your husband and your children. Send him a no contact letter now, tell your husband every time he makes any kind of contact. No matter how bad your relationship is with your husband contact with the OM makes it even worse.

Get yourself tested for STDs you need to stay healthy for your children.

Also break up your post into paragraphs so it is more readable, some people even throw in a time line so other readers can follow along better.

God Bless
Gamma

You need to write a contact with your husband regarding sex. Don't think that it would make you lose that spontaneous feeling. What your problem is, is mixed signals.

If he comes on to you and you don't feel like it, you tell him "not now" BUT you arrange a date or time that you will make love. Like the next morning. The only thing is. You have to live up to your agreement. This way you both feel that your needs aren't being neglected.

The other part of the agreement is. That you can have spontaneous sex if you both agree. And you should be the initiator some of the time. This is mandatory.

For this to work. Neither of you can be lazy. It takes work to have a good sex life.