You are doing fine, Scotty....My cousin in laws husband died in a few months after discovering he had cancer..They had two kids. I talked to her and she said that she couldnt imagine what I was going through....I said what do you mean you are going through worse than me....She said she knew her Husband had loved her and she would never have to worry about seeing him with someone else...She said she would have a hard time moving on from H having an A because there is always that little hope that he might come back...She doesnt have that so she can move on better....I suppose.


She said this to me shortly after my Dday and I have been feeling sorry for myself ever since...

And it is sad that two good people (us) who have good morals and are loyal and loving will prolly never want to date again....

My sister has a friend whose husband died suddenly on a bus on their way to the airport to go to Disney. It was shortly after my sister found out about my BIL's A. She said that she felt badly for my sister. The same reason as your friend said. Funny thing is, I feel worse for them. Even if Bampot never comes home, at least my children will have known their father. That is at least something I can have. Sad, I know.

No, you are absolutely right....It might be worse for us but definitly better for our kids and that is more important...

One of the most clear, articulate transition plans I've ever read here.

Great attitude and personification of the woman of strength!

Hi stillhere,

I have not seen your signature for quite awhile on here. I am sure that you want to be private and with your friends on here. I just wanted to say tho life is a constant process, until it ends. I am an old codger as you know, age 68, but still feel that way.

Have had my son here living with me for two months now since he have gotten over a relationship with someone, and found a new job.

Just wishing the best for you, and you will be remembered in my prayers tonight as soon as I finish cooking and wathcing a movie.........*s*

Just please take care.

Rom

Thanx. I attribute this clearer way of thinking to a dark Plan B. I am a perfectionist when it comes to myself(I let others get away with things I wouldn't let myself) and I can always find things that I could have done better. Live and learn. I just try to help out others get the same kind of peace. It is a process and it takes time. I find myself starting to have experiences that I can talk about that don't have anything to do with Bampot. That was hard since I was with him for more than half my life. It will take time and that is something that I can say, fo'sure.

Hey Tom...I am glad to hear your son is doing well, hope you are to. I only wish the best for you too, Tom. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.


Sorry for the T/J Scotty.

In keeping with my telling the whole story, I wanted to share with you all today.

I woke up this morning with a feeling that I had a dream about Bampot, although I couldn't remember exactly what it was. That started my little head spinning with thoughts about Bampot. On saturdays, I usually have my mom drop off her car so I can get to work on Sunday mornings. Yesterday, both my mother and I forgot. I knew that I needed to be out of the house by a certain time to be able to catch the only bus that would take me to work on time. Since Bampot is due 3 minutes before that, I was pretty sure I would be missing that bus.

So, I started to think about what it would be like to break Plan B and ask Bampot for a ride to work. I thought about what I would wear. What I would talk about to fill those 10 minutes. How happy I would be to talk to him. The thoughts just kept right on coming. It made me really happy to think about it. I wanted to talk to him so much. I thought about how nice it would be to be together, all four of us, again.

I was talking myself into it. I was really going to do it. I was going to throw away everything that I had done for the last year. I was going to do this for 10 minutes of awkwardness. For a few possible crumbs. I was going to disappoint all of you, let my children down. More importantly, I was going to disappoint and let MYSELF down. I prayed on it. I asked if this was really what I was supposed to do. Were these thoughts Godly or unGodly. I got my answer. I didn't do it. It wasn't the right thing to do.

I have thought about it every moment since. I need to shake it. I even looked at Bampot today while he was picking up AND dropping off the children. I saw HER too. I said my share of swear words and things I wouldn't repeat in front of my children. It's a part of the process I guess. I will be fine, just wanted to share in case there are other people who have the same thoughts/feelings. This way everyone can see how normal they are. Although, I dont know that I am all that "normal." HAHAHAHAHAHA

@Scotland -

We all have choices that we need to make in life. Hopefully you will count this as a VICTORY for yourself.

As I was reading your post it reminded me of dreams I use to have when I was much younger. They were of my grandfather. In these dreams I was almost controlling them so I would setup in the dreams things that him and I use to do together and also as I got older things that I wished we got to do together. When I would wake up I wished so horribly that he was still around so that I could tell him how much I miss him and that I love him. (I'm crying now dammit, but it feels good too).

I can feel the pain of grieving in your words. I wish sometimes it didn't suck so bad.

Well I just want to say that I'm rooting for your dreams to become reality and not just wishes.

I am so relieved that you didnt do it Scotty...I promise you it would have set you waaaaay back...Take it from someone who did a bad plan B for a while...Hang in there.

I know it would have. I knew it even when I was thinking about it. I just wanted to talk to him and have ANY connection with him so badly.

See, I know a woman whose H was having an affair a year ago. She was on DB instead. She of course did things differently. They are trying to recover right now. Also, in the case of my parents, my dad did a Plan A for almost 2 years and my mom is back home. I sometimes think about how I could be doing something differently.

I BELIEVE in MB. I BELIEVE in DrH. There are moments when I just don't know. I get the what ifs. I start to question myself and what I am doing. I KNOW I dodged a bullet.

I KNOW that the situation would have been WORSE if I had done it. I understand that ANY contact with me feeds Bampot "cake." I will only receive crumbs. I deserve more than crumbs.

If I really look more closely at myself, I think I was experiencing a lot of FEAR. I was afraid that this wasn't going to lead to M R EVER.

I do love Bampot. I still wish for things that can be. I don't know that I will ever get it. I know I will be okay if I don't. Honestly, if asked what I would wish for most often, the answer behind health for my children would be a happy marriage with Bampot.

Just getting it all out. Don't worry, I don't need cheering up, I am just keeping it real.

I completely relate to what you are saying, Scotty...

What is a keylogger, how does it work and where do you get one? Curious...hope I'm not being redundant by asking, but wasn't able to read through all the posts to find the answer. Thanks!

Yup you are probably right on that Scotty.

Remember the "olive branch"? I was wondering if there is some way you can let him know you are more awesome than before,(cuz you are), and doing well and are going to be happy but until you are sure what part he plays you wont move on yet.

The thing is scotty, you have to mean what you say, you must try to move on. It isn't a game to make him jealous or panic although that might happen

This is what I think is going on scotty. tell me its not possible if its not.

1, Family sees you as "MB" crazy or at least different from them because of your convictions. Bampot knows all these people too and talks to them. The general consesus is you are the odd one because you aren't like them. General misery loves company and the natives beating the drums stuff.

2. Bampot hears from all these people because they are to wimpy to back you up and want to be frinds with EVERYBODY. They don't care about what he is doing all they care is that they remain friends. He knows by thier testimony that you are waiting for your marriage to be reconciled and are also gunning for waywards. They all collectively and gutlessly agree you are wrong for waiting and why don't you give it up. Mostly because you offend thier crap they do.

In a prideful and exuberant defense of the wayward way of selfdecption and in an attempt to remain friends with the rest of your family Bampot probably verballly jumped on thier bandwagon and has made statements like, "Aw its to bad, I feel sorry for her" or "Its hurting my relationship with the kids" or whatever Bull that he can spin to stay on the side of the majority.

That is what I meant when I said, "Its lonely at the top" before. You are above all them but fighting it alone with even those in "affairland" working against you, and influencing him at the same time.

Instaed of appearing like the outcast and staying home lonely and broken person, (as probably they all beleive), why not just be happy and start living to the fullest. I don't mean dating, ugh, its more trouble than its worth to me right now and what for anyway? I mean telling him you are and will be fine without him, then doing it. There is more to life than waiting for Him, and if evryone is telling him you are sad and alone and playing at how sorry for you they are, maybe its time you did something to stop the bullcrap.

There is a number of ways you could do this as an evil genious and you could create any story you like, but the truth will serve you better. Here it is from my perspective.

You are an awesome women of integrity and strength. A freind to the end and any man would be blessed and proud to be with you. A women of true beauty that comes from inside that would bring love for the rest of your life and beyond thru your children and everyone your life touches.

Tell him that and set a timeline because you won't wait forever, it just to painful to be attached to someone who would betray you like that. God says you can divorce him if you like but you also had the choice of forgiveness and you took forgivness, the high road. Don't miss out being with me Bampot, I promise you will regret it.

Then start to separate him from your life, hopes, and dreams. Be happy Scotty, you deserve it. You can't swim with anchor tied around your ankle. Im not saying date or look for a guy, just start getting rid of this wieght. Maybe if he hears your happy and knows there is a timeline it will wake up his dumb AZZ.

To me, any attention would just be from him wanting to reassure he still had the cake of a waiting wife at home and tick me off. Its time all these fools realized you are REALLY waiting by choice, not desparation and pining for Him. Show him you will be fine without him, your children need that too.

And you will not only be fine, but you will allways be an awesome Scotty.

Scotty,

I too am glad you made the right choice for *you*. Yes, for YOU. It would have dealt your heart and soul a severe blow for a few moments of trying to connect with the stranger in your H's body.

As to your comments about how others have handled affairs and the outcome. I would like to point out how much I admire how high you have set the bar. Why? Your mom and dad are not "happily" recovering with a solid MB plan in the works. Your friend used a proven technique to end the A and the D but what is their recovery plan? DB does not have a long term plan for building an affair proof, happy M.

Setting the bar low and not listening to the good people here on MB left me with continued contact, PTSD and an M that is limping along. That is not what you want my friend.

Of course you crave being with Bampot. You love him. Plan B is helping you avoid being in the drama too much (except peeking and seeing WH and OW at child pick up time).

You are human. That is okay.

Whenever I am thinking about how much I miss my WH, I tell myself that Plan B is preferable to

-Drama of contact
-Angst of false recovery

Best to stay in Plan B to inviting false recovery before a wayward is ready to say "Uncle", "I want you", "I am willing to work at rebuilding", "I will be a buyer, not a renter or freeloader".

YK?

And.....I am not for olive branches in darkness other than having an attractive,inviting yard to glance at pickup/dropoff, a purdy person to catch a glimpse of by chance (not on purpose), a no lovebusting spouse to talk to should the white flag ever be raised.

CP, I know that you are trying to help but you are way off base with this one. Bampot doesn't talk to ANYONE. He has OW and their new friends. He talks to his mother through emails and his sister on her children's birthdays and they live blocks away from eachother. Bampot only hears about things that have to do with me through our boys. And, frankly, I don't think he asks them too often.

I know that my parents don't have a solid recovery system in place. I am waiting for those friends of mine to implode too. I know that MB is the best way for a couple to recover from infidelity. I KNOW that I could have a spectacular marriage using these concepts. Trouble is, I have no spouse to attempt it with and the only spouse I want is Bampot. That is the problem. I am still head over heals madly in love with the turd. I can't even think about sharing my life with someone else. BUT I do want to share my life. It is going to take me a long time.

I am going to stay dark and try to get over him. I don't know how. I am jut going to be still. Being still isn't the same as doing nothing. I think that came from The Karate Kid.

Scotty, if for some reason your WH chooses not to come back is not a reflection on you or your marriage. I just want to reinforce that for you. From a kid of divorce perspective, the best gift you can give your boys (aside from an intact family) is for you to not date until they are up and out of the house. I don't see that being a problem for you. You are devoted.

I agree with FF. It's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on him.

And also -- Yes, listen to Mr. Miyagi on that one. Be still.