Dr. Harley, I came across an article of yours on infeldelity, and I loved your style, so I'm asking for your help. My husband and I are currently separated and he filed for divorce and I answered in December of 2009. We had court ordered mediation April 4,2010, the mediator did not reach a mediation agreement between us, so our paperwork its sitting at the court house until one if us asks it to be placed on the calendar. I love my husband but I felt constantly disrespected by him with his relationships with other women. I would ask him to please stop calling his ex lovers to discuss out problems. If that wasn't enough he also befriended new women at the gym and at his place of employment in which he would call to discuss our problems. Both of these woman, he would speak on the phone to for hours. How do I know? Well I checked the phone bill. As my emotional supicions increased, I would question him about these calls. His responses to me included: I talk to who I want when I want, I'm not your child, none of your business and leave me alone. I was left feeling like a unloved, unappriciated, disrespected, emotionally abused wife. It affected our communication and intamacy. I tried to contact the other womam and ask them to cease and one of them had the audacity to tell me that she is going to continue relations with him. I again told him about this conversation. He curses me out but calls her to apologize for me calling her. He then switched his phone bill to his sisters house so I couldnt see it, which had me constantly checking his phone like an obsessive person. Each time I would check I became sick to my stomach at the amounts of communications to other woman. I just couldnt take it anymore. So I moved upstairs into another bedroom hoping to get his attention. He began to stay out later, call other women more, met another woman, and just plain rude around the house. He told me on several occassions to get out and let him get someone who could help him more financially because I was making intern pay. It got worse instead of better. I saw text messages to other women about how he can't wait to see them and conversations that lasted sometimes an hour and seventy_four mins. Another issue that I had was his steroid usage, it seemed to really bring out his anger more. One unforgetable incident was when he pulled a firearm on one of our former 19 year old former employees that came to help me move. My son stepped in between them and I in front of my son, but he was so enraged that he still did not lower the weapon. My father had to take him and the weapon to the side. My husband was arrested that night and blames me for asking that person and his two brothers to help me. We have had several physical alterations about information I found on his cell phone and information told to me by our employees. It made me wonder why was he with me if he treasured these other women so much. I felt like he just used me to get his business. He had been a security guard for twenty years and I had all the educational credentials to start a state security business. Toge ther, it should have been nice, but it wasn't. Although my name was the only nameon the license and I was his wife and former peace officer. He did not want, need, our appriciate my input. Not would he sit down and go over the bills with me. I felt shorted in every way. Now his side, he feels like I should be home waiting on him to get there when he gets off work not over a friends or at too many events. He is very old fashioned and likes to just stay at home. If my husband had a kitchen in our room, we probaly would never have seen him. I'm an extrovert, I love people , the outside, going places, and animals. He also feLt and still feels like I don't answer my cell phone right when he calls. He doesnt want me to socialize with a couple of my friends he doesn't like or talk to the others so much. When we apart from each other is my only opportunity to talk to my friends because I don't want to argue about something I shouldn't have said. Other issues he had is me assisting my teenage sons with their school paperwork, braiding their hair, or learning how to dance from them. He is 50 and I'm 39, I had three teenagers when he met me. We have a 6 year old daughter together, who is having severe issues with the seperation. I reside in my house previous to the marriage and I left him in our other home we have together. We have gone to two premarital counselors, tried to maker it work for 6 more months, got new cell numbers (at his request) and began marriage counseling again. Things were fine for a while until I checked the phone bill again for reassurance. Thats when I learned he was still calling a certain women he met on the property that he was securing with our business license. Since I moved out, our business was in only my name, Issues kept arising at work with disbruntaled employees, we were not speaking, he was not supporting my daughter and I finacially, I did what I thought I had to do. I felt used and abused and proceeded to close our business. He continued to work knowing I didnt renew the liscence another 6 months. I wrotehimand them a cease and desist letter, he was terminated and filed a law suit on breach on contract. He still blames me today for his finacial downfall and for taking away his dream of having his business. The CEO contacted me about the suit ,we had a meeting in which I saw several infractions comitted by employees of ours but the most of them were on my husband and his improper relationships with tenats on the property. This information included pictures with dates and times. I write a letter as CEO to counter any law suit. Later that afternoon I was invited out to dinner by the CEO. Although we were seperated and my husband moved on before I left the house, I Initially declined his dinner invite. I went by our home to talk with my husband again, and to make sure he was feeding our 13 animals, he had one of the females he met from the property there. One of the one s who I begged him to stop talking too. So I revengfully knocked on the door and told him about the invite and that night I went out with his boss that began a lovely courtship. I was finally treated the way I felt I was to be treated. I didn't feel I was wrong at the time because of all the women issues I had while we were in the same house. He told me how hurt he was about this, but that same hurt was what he did to me for two years. On top of feeling like I had to wall on eggs shells, select my words, and avoid talking to or seeing my friends just to make him happy. Now within the last month, we are actually talking to each other without arguing. We finally had more than an hour conversation on the phone. But just when I start feeling like maybe I should give it another chance, I learn of his facebook page with two ex wives, and two ex lovers being friends. I'm livid because my face book page has us portrayed as a happy family. He just added me today, but I feel his ex people have no business on his page. Especially the two adultress woman. He still feels like there's nothing wrong with him talking to other women about our issues, including his sisters who are close to his ex wife. That same ex wife that still has her 16by20 wedding picture of them up on her wall. The same ex wife that he left four times. Sometimes for months and sometimes for years like a revolving door. The same one he was married to when we began dating but was seperated from and staying over his sisters house to think things through. So I was told by his sister. Lastly, I believe that we can both be changed with Gods help. He doesn't seem to want to pray or go to God together. Is this possible with only one praying partner and worshiper?How do we recover from all of this? We have 5 young adults between the two of us and our daughter. He and my 17yearold son fought when he tried to whip him and my son had to leave to live with his father, but I stood by my husband even though I didn't agree. We got past this, but can't seem to make it past the women issue. Today we are going somewhere together as a couple. I don't know how that's going to go, but I do know I'm confused already. Part of me feels like I have been delivered from an abusive relationship and the other half feels like we didnt give it 100%because of outside influences. Please help me.

Sorry flying visit here, may I suggest that you paragraph of this post as its very hard to read.

It can be quiet around here on weekends but hang in there and the vets will be along soon.

Ill check back later to read your adjusted first post.

Thanks

Your WH is a self-centered, abusive, piece of garbage. Divorce him, cut off all contact with him, and move on with your life. You chose poorly marrying this man. Don't continue to compound the mistake. You can't fix a marriage to someone who is just a horrible person.

I've got it -

Hi, Melanie, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you're here.
First of all, TMI, sister. You've given us way more than we need right up front. Let's look at the main issue: your WH has no boundaries and does not respect you or your marriage. I am curious - what does he want? Has he told you?

Right now he's got it all - all the women, and YOU. This needs to end.

Melanie, God's already given you the brains and willpower to fix this, and He's led you here. I'm not sure He's going to understand why you're praying for help when He's already helped you.

You're going to be given tools here to help - listen, read and understand them. Have you read the articles on this site? Please do so.

The two of you are going to have to do this, but we'll try to help you.

My main concern: is he currently abusing steroids? Whipping a seventeen year old boy is unacceptable. I'm concerned about this.

Melanie, can you segment your post into paragraphs? I can't read this.

Put all of the info Melanie in a timeline. A concise timeline.

Please try this and you will get excellent advice, but know that some of us can't give any because we don't know which issues to address.

First of all start at beginning. You married the guy. Were you his first w? Was there infidelity? What went on? Then get onto your life w/him and where the problems began.

Think timeline. You can do it.

She started dating him when he was still married, but "separated" and living with his sister.

Cheating appears to be a way of life for him, plus he is abusive.

I'd hurry up the divorce.

Where do you see this (dating while married.) I missed that.

In the next to the last paragraph in your post where you broke down her post into paragraphs.

Oh, gotcha - thanks, LC. My eyeballs were a little fried by then.