I ended my affair, but I am wondering if what I feel is normal? I miss him talking and the like. I felt like he was my soulmate. I know realistically that it could not have worked. I just need to know if what I am feeling is crazy or normal. The feelings that I felt for him were strong and from what I have read this is "normal". I would not start the affair again, but I do not want to feel this way about him forever. I just want to forget about him. Will this ever go away?

suz32,<P>Hi, I also had an affair that is now ended. It was an emotional affair only, but as many have pointed out (see Sir Hurts Alot's post "physical affair vs. emotional affair") those are even harder to get over sometimes.<P>Yeah, the feelings you are having right now are definitely par for the course. You are going through withdrawal. I'm still going through some of that myself, and our affair was broken off in June! I was just looking at my profile and I signed on to this board in July! Cripes has it been that long?<P>But anyway, I am slowly but surely getting better. It's in very small increments. I wish like hell that I didn't still have feelings for the OW. I know that eventually it will all go away. It just takes tons of time. Withdrawal is hellish. You are basically addicted to the OP. It's the pits. But hold on, and keep up with the no-contact even though you crave to talk to him. It's the addiction speaking. Take a one-day-at-a-time approach to things...<P>I wish I could say more, but I gotta go...<BR>good luck!<BR>--andy

Yep, totally normal.<P>I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am fighting this same thing today.<P>Good luck. We can do this!

Hi, this is my first time posting, in fact this is my first visit to this site. I ended my affair 2 days ago. Actully we got caught 2 days prior and it of course had to end after that. H found an email I had written to OM and when I got home that night (of course I had been out with OM) H and son were gone. H has come back now (he was back the next day in fact) and we are trying to work things out. H is handleing this quite well I didn't even know he was that strong. With H's permission OM and I got together 2 days ago, for lunch, to offically end things and agree not to have contact. I still can't belive my H or OM's W let us do that. We had lunch and talked for about an hour and a half. I could barley stand to look at him becasue it hurt so much, and I know by the things he said and the way he looked at me he felt the same way. Our affiar was faily short. We started becoming friends a little over a month ago, thats when the emotional affair started. Three weeks ago it turned pysical. Anyway, now H and I are trying to work things out but I feel like I am crazy becasue I miss OM so much. H says its because we pretty much broke up but OM and I had a very strong friendship and thats the hardest thing to give up. We moved here a little over a year ago and I hadn't really been in a position to make friends up until recently so OM was the only real friend I had. I hope I can make it through this and try to get over OM. It's tearing me apart.

It's been six months since the last physical contact, and five months since last anything else... except that I work with the OM. <P>And yet, the OM and I are are making it as co-workers only for now (hopefully I will get another job next year or <B>he'll go</B> - wishful thinking on that one), and my H and I are making it as we begin to rebuild. Although it hasn't been easy, AT ALL. <P>Everything is normal that you describe. (You too, Sierra, and I can't believe it's only been two DAYS?!) There are a lot of us here who understand. Several who are further along than me, who are success stories, many in the rebuilding process. You have come to the right place!!<P>Even still, just so you know, there are days when I look at the OM and wonder what in the HELL I was thinking, and then there are days when all I want is to touch his hand, to let him know that we'll all make it. I thought we were soul mates <blech> and I thought I truly loved him. I DID NOT, I loved the IDEA of him. But it took quite a while to get to this point and I went back and forth with him, which is why it took another month to finally and completely end the out-of-work contact.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Suz32 and Sierra:<P>It's interesting to read your posts, because my W, Petunia, was in exactly the same spot seven and a half months ago that you two are in right now. Sierra, especially, your situation sounds so similar to Petunia's. Although she had known the OM for longer than one month, her affair lasted three weeks. Like you, we had only been in town (Dallas) for a little over a year when the affair began. OM was her "only real friend."<P>If y'all will indulge an old veteran, please let me tell you something. No matter how much you think you liked or loved the OM, that man was NOT your friend. A real friend does not take advantage of an unhappy, married person for his own sexual and emotional gratification. I <I>know</I> he listened to you. I know you could tell him anything. I know he seemed to really care about you.<P>But you know what? He didn't. He cared more about himself, even if you don't see that right now. Look at it this way: it was more important to him to break his marriage vows, to entice you to sleep with him, than it was for him to be your friend.<P>Whether you know it or not, you're both mourning the loss of what you <I>thought</I> was a great friendship. But really, it was built on lies, on deceit, and on disrespect. I won't argue with you that it probably started out as just a friendship. I'm sure neither of you <I>intended</I> to have an affair. Neither did my W.<P>The affairs happened because neither y'all nor your spouses followed the Policies of Honesty and Joint Agreement. I oughta know. I'm guilty of that with my wife. I didn't cause her to have an affair, but I sure as heck made it easier for her to decide to have one.<P>I don't know either of you. Don't know your H's either. However, you're both here, and that tells me that you want to rebuild your marriages. That's honorable. That's the right thing to do. The fact that both of y'all's husbands are still around tells me they're interested in rebuilding too.<P>Let me tell you, it CAN be done. Petunia and I are seven months into recovery. I never thought I would get over her betrayal, but ya know what . . . I <I>am</I> getting over it. We're closer now than ever before. There are others here with the SAME results. It doesn't happen over night, but it DOES happen.<P>Here's what I recommend for y'all both:<P>(1) Read all of Dr. Harley's material. He makes GREAT sense. You can rebuild your lives with your H's, but you have to <B>commit</B> to it today.<P>(2) Read other books about the dynamics of an affair. I recommend <I>After the Affair</I> by Dr. Janice Abrams-Spring. It breaks down the types of affairs and gives you good insight into what both the betrayer and betrayed might be thinking.<P>(3) Read <I>Getting the Love You Want</I> by Harville Hendricks. It is a MASTERFUL blueprint for how to treat each other with love and respect.<P>(4) Find a good couples counselor. My W and I went to the most remarkable woman for counseling. She helped us get through the toughest times and learn how to be open and honest with each other. A good couples counselor can be a Godsend. I've heard that Steve Harley's phone counseling is GREAT and affordable.<P>(5) Be sure you and your H's are TOTALLY honest with each other. The emotions will be raw, but you need to go through the pain and the anger, the betrayal and the frustration before you can heal. Don't hold back, but try not to lovebust either. Learn how to listen actively and really open up.<P>Y'all have come to the right place for help. Everyone here has been through the same thing (or something similar). Don't hesitate to ask us questions. We can all learn from each other.<P>God bless you both, and keep working towards happiness.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited November 05, 1999).]

suz32--<BR>Yes, you're normal! My last contact with the OM was exactly one month ago...yeah. And the last time I saw him was two months ago!<P>This may sound like really bad advice...but, it just takes time. I know that isn't very helpful right now...but, in the meantime take the opportunity to learn about yourself and you will become a better person in the end.<P>Basically, withdrawal is hell...but, you will get through it. We're here to help youl!

Hi Suz,<P>Another old vet checks in. Yup, pretty dang normal to me.<P>My pal Lone Star said some really good stuff. I'll just say I totally agree and try to add a wee bit more from my perspective. <P>My wife Suse posts here too. We've been married over 20 years and each of us has had an affair for our own sad reasons. We've tried to be good students about relationships for the last 15 years. And, it's amazing what we've learned as well as how humbling it it is to know we need to learn so much more.<P>Simply for now... our experience has been that you are very, very normal. Your feelings are classic. I hope hearing that offers some reassurance. And...yes, it does get better.<P>Be well. Keep posting, there are lots of good, helpful folks here.

Thank you every for all the great advice. Lone Star, you are truly wise. OM didn't love me. Yes, it's only been a few days for me since "all hell broke loose" but I have come to my senses already and although I still miss OM I know it was the idea of him that I loved, not the man himself. If he really cared for me than he wouldn't have been ok with sharing me. If he really cared about me he'd be with me and not his W. But deep down I love my H and he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do have some feelings for OM most of which are fading the more I think about all the crap he said to me that made me feel good. I know now what the intentions were behind his words. I'm moving on from the hurt of missing him (which is still lingering a bit) to anger over the things he said and the things he made me feel. It was a lie and had we left our spouses to be together we wouldn't have lasted more than a few months. We had a realtionship built on lies and heat. I don't know if my anger towards him is a step in the right direction or not, but for now it seems to be working to my advantage becasue the more I think about it the less I want to see him. That may be backwards thinking on my part, but as I said its only been a few days and I am still just trying to deal with everything. The bottom lines is that I love my H and even though that was clouded for awhile by the affection of another man I always knew my H was one I was going to grow old with.

It is grief ... it is loss - I do understand, even though I am the one being devastated still by my husband's betrayal. There are many steps in the grieving process, and anger is one of them. I think it's a healthy way to move along, provided you don't allow it to consume you or keep it for a long time. Be angry, realize what a schmuck he was and then move on.<P>Your life will never be the same, but it CAN be better than it was. Learn from it and communicate with your spouse. I believe that's the root of EVERY affair...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>