I've posted my story elsewhere in this forum under "Separated - how to deal with anniversaries, etc."

I'm sure the subject of detaching from an ex comes up all the time here but I am really struggling. How exactly do you detach from an ex from a long-term marriage (15, 20, or 30 years and more)? It's not like he's passed away (don't want that), so it seems like for me these feelings will go on and on.

My problem is, I can't seem to do anything enjoyable without thinking how X might like it, or if it was something we used to do together, I get this picture in my mind that goes on in a neverending loop. These thoughts go on all day and all through the night. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

Everyone tells me I'm being stupid -- that I should be over him because he was just not a good husband , was abusive alot and never ever wanted to discuss our marriage or work on it.

So why do I constantly only think about the times he was nice and keep glossing over all the bad stuff (there was alot)?

This is going to ruin my health and my chances for happiness with anyone else if I don't stop. But after being with him for such a long long time, I don't know how to turn the feelings off, or deal with the fact of possibly never seeing him again.


If there's anyone here who is out of a long term marriage can you please tell me how you finally detached? I even think about how stbx will die someday and how I won't be there. It's all getting to be too much to handle alone. In the meantime, he is NC on me and seems to have moved on ( we are legally separated but have not worked out a D agreement yet.)

I guess I need to be on major ADs.

mugs, ADs may help. They are emotional painkillers and can, indeed, help you to detach.

I will give you the usual advice about keep busy, find new things to do, exercise and eat well (and all those things do help) - but the most important is to go to a deep, dark Plan B, if you have not already.

You can't detach from him if you don't detach.

There should be no phone calls, no emails, no letters, no drive-bys, no nothing. Any contact only prolongs the pain, and worse, lets STBXWH think you are still hanging around and available whenever he might feel like seeing you.

Please look at this MB thread if you have not already:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Plan B is a real lifesaver in situations like this and is not just for married folks any more.

Now, having said that -

There are some things you just don't get over. You cannot dismantle an entire life and throw it away just to get rid of all reminders of him. (He almost certainly did that to get rid of you, but that is sick and abnormal). Your life with him was important to you and there is no reason to try to throw it all away.

You can give away or pack away the worst reminders, of course, but otherwise keep what remains valuable and needed and don't feel bad about it. It's your life and your life is not to be thrown away like it meant nothing. It didn't and still doesn't.

The most important thing: It's okay if you still love him. You don't have to force that to go away, because it won't. You absolutely must prevent him from ever hurting you again - that's what the Plan B is for - but it's okay if you still love him.

Let us know how you are doing.

Thanks Mulan

I read the thread -- it seemed to indicate people have a slightly easier time detaching when the spouse has been unfaithful. In that case, one can use justifiable anger and the outright uncaring action of the ww spouse to let go.

My case seems a little different in that my stbxh was never physically unfaithful; in fact as far as I can tell he is asexual. It's just been years and years of neglect on his part, verbal abuse,his unwillingness to talk about or face our problems or address my ENs that forced me to leave. When he was diagnosed with MS 15 years ago it made us both withdraw from one another even more, since it was another huge that was "off the table." I just could not deal any longer with the prospect of growing old with and taking care of a husband who I felt did not really love me enough to care about my needs or how I felt, even when I practically begged him to help me by going to counselling or even reading one of the countless marriage books I had around the house. As far as I can tell he never once picked up a book -- in fact he objected to my seeking counselling for myself.

Anyway, maybe if he didn't have a progressive disease I could let go. But now I find myself not only not able to distance myself but also worrying about his MS, how he will end up (in a wheelchair) or worse. I knew I would have these feelings before I left and that it would be very very difficult, but this is so much worse than I imagined.

I can surmise that he is getting some help from his family, hence no contact with me. Or perhaps he thinks I am a worthless human being who left a sick man. Perhaps I am. My thoughts are such a jumble.

It's hard because I really haven't read about any situations similar to mine and on some other Boards I've been harshly judged because of leaving.

Or perhaps he thinks I am a worthless human being who left a sick man. Perhaps I am. My thoughts are such a jumble. Should I have just sucked it up and lived in misery for what remains of my life because he has MS?

NO, you should not ruin the rest of your life for this abusive man! Please do not ruin your life for him. You are precious.

The reason you are confused is partly because YOU HAD TO LIE TO YOURSELF ALL THESE YEARS in order to FORCE YOURSELF TO STAY WITH HIM. Most women would have left at the first or second indication of abuse.

To make yourself stay with this abuser, you had to IGNORE the feelings inside that were trying to protect you from his abuse and emotional hurting, severe neglecting... of you.

When he abused you, you ignored your inner feelings of pain and kept on being with him.

When he neglected you, you learned to ignore your inner needs and keep on as if this marriage WAS THE THINK YOU SHOULD DO!!!

Geeze girl, you learned SO WELL to ignore your own precious feelings that...NOW...you feel confused.

Go with the confusing/mixed feelings for another few months and DO NOT SEE HIM, DONT TALK WITH HIM!!!

A good counselor could help you sort your feelings out. Please do not listen to those who tell you to go back to this creep!

You will heal from this, you will sort out these confusing feelings, and wonder why you ever were fool enough to stay with him! You will start noticing your inner feelings again and the red flag warnings in your own heart to GET AWAY from your DAMAGER!!!

Think of cows that are raised for VEAL. As babies, they are happy and run freely. Then, the cruel farmer puts them in a small dark cage to grow to be slaughtered later. They cannot run, they cannot do anything but eat. It is dark, and they become blind. Soon, they are unable to think about the nice green fields they used to run freely in. If someone rescues them, they have to learn to walk and still are blind. They may learn to see a patch of green grass or something in the field but have to relearn to walk, run, eat grass and see the sun come up in the morning.

MUD, you are this VEAL CALF. You married this man and like the cruel farmer, he hobbled you, he treated you badly for 20 years and kept you from getting any needs met. Gradually, due to his damage, you became blinded (outside and inside yourself) and could barely walk (BARELY WALK OUT OF THE MARRIAGE). You only could continue on with total neglect and disregard for YOURSELF. Soon, you had to live with neglecting your own self as he neglected you.

Right now, you are a VEAL CALF that escaped!

1. You are still half blind (You cannot see what he did to you yet)
2. You are still temporarily blind to your own needs
3. You cannot walk very well (You almost want to go back to him)
4. You do not know what you are capable of yet
5. You can only see small patches of green grass of freedom
6. You can barely notice the sun coming up in the morning
7. You are badly damaged, injured in your heart, and cannot function well.

But like a VEAL CALF who (BARELY) escaped the slaughterhouse, you WILL RECOVER! IN A FEW MONTHS OF STAYING COMPLETELY AWAY FROM THE CRUEL FARMER, YOU WILL START TO FEEL THE SUN ON YOUR BACK, THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE, YOU WILL START TO WALK AND THEN RUN FREELY IN OUR/YOUR WORLD.

Now your cruel farmer/husband is sick. You have a couple thoughts of going back and helping the SOB. But does the VEAL CALF go back to that cruelty and spend the rest of thier life in the dark, helping the cruel farmer, only to be slaughtered in the end of it's life for that farmers profit???

HECK NO!!!

You stay away from him, my girl. And heal. Get to know yourself and love your own precious self. Discover what is is you are meant to do in your life. Step out into the (scary) freedom that you have attempted to enter. See the sun again and feel the feelings of freedome from abuse.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Mugs...I really think (and please don't take this the wrong way) that maybe you should talk to your doctor about getting some counseling.

I just think he has such an emotional grip on you that you need to talk to a professional about it. How would you feel about that?

Call it what you may - post traumatic stress, the long-term problems associated with abuse or neglect...call it whatever, but I'm really concerned about how you're handling this. I'm not saying it isn't normal, but I just don't know anyone in a similar situation and I think someone interested in your welfare...as an individual...would be someone good to talk to.

Can you see yourself considering that today? Think about it, and remember that if you were brave enough to leave, you're certainly brave enough to get the help you need to become stronger.

Thanks Soolee, I'm absolutely not taking your comments in any way other than being helpful and concerned.

I think I'm depressed and yes I also think I need counselling. I was seeing a counsellor prior to leaving my marriage, but haven't been back since I left H. I'll call her this week and set something up.

I'm sure the upcoming holidays and what would have been our anniversary this weekend have been triggering some of my sadness and anxiety.

Right now I'm second-guessing myself like crazy, which is very dangerous and the same type of muddled thinking that made me go back to him on previous occasions. I'm thinking alot about the home I gave up and my garden which was really lovely this time of year. I really do need to get some personal effects out of the house but don't see how I can do that at all and not have a major meltdown.

Anyway, yes, I will call my counsellor.

thanks

M

Bubbles that was a great post. Thank you.

I am not thinking clearly at the moment and am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

As I told Soolee, I need to get some counelling. This is all too hard on my own and even with well meaning relatives for support.

Mugs, it has been quite some time since my WXH moved out. I like to say I've moved on and I'm quite satisfied with the current state of my life. But I still have moments like these. Recently, there was a big event in the town where we had lived the last 10 years of our marriage. My initial thoughts were that, if none of this had happened, I'd still be living there and then we could have had a wonderful time going to it. But truthfully, had none of this ever happened, we'd still be there and I would hear about it from my neighbours the next day because he never would have gone. Or I would have gone by myself and taken his wrath for spending money on something that was not a necessity. Either way, I would have been disappointed.

It doesn't mean I still don't think about what might have been or stuff like that. The truth is, it never would have been even if we didn't divorce.

Mugs - I'm glad to hear you're considering it. Your mannerisms and posts reflect, imo, the characteristics of someone who was abused long term. Not saying it was physical, but I think counseling is the way to go. I wish you well.

Mugs,
It's kind of like an addiction, you have to abstain completely in order to get over it. Do not have contact. When you think of him, replace him in your thoughts with something positive to think about. Get rid of painful reminders of him. Have your wedding ring made into something else or give it away (or do like I once did, flush it down the toilet...a fitting end!). If you live in the house the two of you shared, make changes to it, paint it, change the furniture, rearrange things, make them suit YOU! Do not be around people that will "report to you" about him. Tell people you don't want to hear about him. Do not check his Facebook or MySpace. Change your email address and phone numbers. Get a PO Box and remove your mailbox. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself inaccessible to him. If you share custody, get an intermediary to deliver kids back/forth. You cannot continue to have contact and hope to get over him, especially with someone manipulative.
Enlist the help of a friend or family member in getting rid of some things if it's too difficult for you.

"I really do need to get some personal effects out of the house but don't see how I can do that at all and not have a major meltdown."

Mugs, can you get a trusted friend or family member to go through some of those things with you? They could be a source of support, and if you start to melt down, well, you have someone there for you - melt down, then get back to work. It seems to me that you might be surrounded by triggers and that's no way to recover from anything.

opt

Throw out the photo albums. Delete them from your computer. Cut off contact.

Honestly, I think even better than taking drugs is meeting new friends (including of the opposite sex) and having a good time.

You are not going to forget the guy. You did spend a long time with him. It's never going to be a fun thing to think about. Accept that and maybe it wil be easier.

Keep yourself busy and if you find yourself thinking about it, stop yourself and do something else.

I was just going to say the same thing. Stop thought process helps.

I also like the idea of having a friend help you rid your home of painful reminders. Make the home yours personally, paint the walls, change the decor, rearrange things, if it was a home you shared, make it different, make it for YOU.

Try and plan something for every day. Saturdays I clean house, work around the place. Sundays I go to church and usually end up finishing up what I ran out of time for on Saturdays. M-F I work/commute, but every night I make a stop on the way home, I visit my FIL in a nursing home, take my mom to dinner, check on a friend, get groceries, have a neighbor up to watch tv with me, and soon my weekly Bible Study will be starting up. Plans don't have to be elaborate, but just something to keep you busy and so you're not alone all the time. It helps to get our focus off of ourselves and onto others. When our focus is always on our pain and loss, our world becomes very inward...not a good thing. Volunteer your time, do something for someone else!