Ok so I haven't posted here in awhile. My H had an affair that started online and they eventually met in person leading to physical affair. The last physical contact was over a year ago, however we have had several False Recoveries as he was continuing the relationship online with several email addresses.

The last contact was over 3 months ago. I have keyloggers, access to phone records of both him and OW, plus I have spoken to OW who has told me she is moved on with another man.

I cannot get over the fear of him doing this again. I am always thinking they are manipulating me. He is not acting like he was when she was in the picture, but its still hard. His desire for sexual activity with me has decreased significantly since she is out of the picture. (once or twice a month). He is spending more time with me, which is great, but I have trouble with love busters because I am so hurt.

What can we expect on the road to recovery??

sorry my post was short and quick, I am at work and having a hard day because it is OW birthday. I am afraid of another FR.

new - what has been done to recover?

Do you know all the details of the affair? Are there any blind areas or things that don't add up?

Is there complete transparency in place? Is there ANY evidence of secrecy or covert behavior?

What has been done in regards to Just Compensation?

Have you put into place Extraordinary Precautions?

Have you worked the Steps to Recovery?

Ending the affair and establishing NC is just ONE step on the long, approximately 2 year long, road to recovery.

After that you must build an affair proof marriage which centers on 4 principles:

Care: Meeting ENs
Protection: Avoiding LBs
Time: 20 hours of UA time
Honesty: Practice the Policy of Radical Honesty

Recovery requires you build a better marriage, or you will just limp along until the next infidelity. Fully implementing MB will prevent a FR.

What is being done to create recovery?

ETA: Recover is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE if you aren't getting your 20 hours UA time. This is QUALITY time spent together.

What EPs have been put into place since your last FR? Was the affair exposed?

I see that you continue to monitor your WHs actions, which is good. What has your WH done to help you recover?

Thanks for your replies.

Here are the answers. Yes, the A has been exposed. In fact his family still gives him a very hard time about it, they bring it up while drinking etc. I am not a fan of that.

He is completely transparent. If he goes somewhere, I know where. He calls often, texts, etc. We spend all of our time together. We have developed things to do that we did not do before, such as date nights, etc. We are definitely building our relationship back. Its just a long slow process. I find somedays I will see a glimmer of hope, he may joke like he used too, etc.

Previously he would tell me there was no contact, and I would find out about a new email address. However, my father had a brain aneurysm 6 months ago, which turned things around. He was in contact with her when this happened and ceased contact when i returned. He wrote a no contact letter which I read and has been focused on us. I feel its me who brings us down now, I cannot stop wondering if there is a new email etc.

Today is her Bday and I was stupid enough to tell him it worried me, which made him angry. He wants to never talk about it again and neither to I. I know all the grusome details, from both OW and H. I have had many lenthy conversations with her, and she told me everything, and he answered all questions I had. Thanks for the replies. I guess just needed to vent and know that how I feel is normal. Does the fear ever completely go away? I have been with him for 15 years and I am so shocked that this happened.

Oh, and with Just Compensation..this is an issue. H thinks that all should be forgiven since he has chose me. He is however trying to change the behaviors that may have led to the A. He limits his computer time dramatically. I have all of his passwords to all emails he created. He will not however talk about Emotional needs. I have tried to explain the importance of his needs as well as my own, I have even explained various things that I think would help me heal, but he does not participate in the conversation. That is very frustrating for me. I feel like I was an obligation, not what his heart truly desires. If I don't initiate intimiate contact it doesn't happen. (well very rarely). Sorry I am probably not making sense.

You are making PERFECT sense.

THIS is why you aren't recovering.

Your husband doesn't get to set the conditions of recovery. It isn't for YOU to be grateful he chose you, it is for HIM to be grateful you've accepted him back.

You are struggling because the balance is off.

He needs to be working to convince you he's worth staying with, not the other way around.

Just stopping isn't recovery, there needs to be an earnest effort to rebuild. You can't let go of the pain of the affair, because he isn't affair-proofing your marriage and so your mind and heart are protecting you, they aren't letting you drop your guard.

Are you sure there is NC? Because it may be time to tell him you'll only stay in the marriage if he commits to a program of recovery: Marriage Builders.

Then schedule some phone coaching. They'll set him on the right path.

It should be the only way he gets to keep you.

The hard part is still ahead of you: affair proofing your marriage.