My Husband and I are both enlisted in the US military. We have only been together three months of the past two years. I was recently deployed for 5 months and towards the end of my deployment I started becoming very close to another man. It started out as innocent conversation and just started getting out of control. I knew by being involved with this man I was putting my marriage at risk, but the time everything was happening the relationship there seemed more real than my marriage. My husband and I have seemed to be having a lot of problems communicating and understanding each other. The OM seemed to get me and was so easy to talk too. I did not fall in love with OM and do not have strong feelings for him. It was more of just a good friend. At one point the OM and I were contemplating continuing are relationship when we came back from deployment, but i soon realized that was a horrible idea and wanted any contact between us to be platonic. I did not sleep with this man, but we did kiss and fool around. So I do feel just as guilty as if I were to sleep with him. I wanted to keep this from my husband because I would rather live with the burden of the guilt than hurt him so much. When I came home from deployment, I know that I was acting more distant and not completely myself. My husband suspected something and logged into my email account and found some emails between the OM and myself. I thought i had deleted everything but I guess I didn't. Once he confronted me I didn't know how to react. I really wanted to make are marriage work and already realized how horrible my actions were. I was just terrified that he would leave me and feel that he has every right too. He says that he will not leave me and wants to work it out, but the pain in his eyes kills me. I cant stand to look and my self in the mirror and feel completely disgusted with the person I am. I have already completely deleted everything about the OM in my life and truly have no desire or plan to have any contact with him. I just want some advice on how my husband and I can start over and how maybe I can make him hurt a little less. I know right now we both feel lost.

1) Send your betrayed husband (BH) here.

2) Ensure no contact (NC) for life w/ the OM. Block all avenues of communication, write a NC letter and have it approved by your BH. IMO, contact includes not just communication (phone, text, email), but also sightings (meetings, pictures), and memories.

3) Expose the infidelity. The OM's wife or significant other, employer (since this occurred on the job, and there is a high likelihood you and the OM will be in the same locale/assignments, etc.), family,etc. The more who know, the more accountable you will be.

4) Commit to being 100% open and honest with your BH, particularly regarding the details of your infidelity. He questions everything right now - not just you right now, but also your entire history together, who you really are, your feelings about OM versus your BH, etc.

Your BH determines what he needs to know, and your job is to answer any question he asks openly and honesty. Radical honesty, not brutal honesty. (e.g., "We did x, y, and z" versus "OMG, we did this, and then this, and then this, and it was really the best ever!")

5) Read, read, read the articles on this site.


That's a start. You've come to the right place. You are very fortunate that your BH wants to work things out. I hope you're serious about this, because recovery is harder than anything else you or your BH will have ever done.

Also, can you provide some more information?

Are there children involved?

Is your OM married or does he have a significant other?

How can you change the enlistment situation so that you and your BH are actually together?

MalPal,

wanted any contact between us to be platonic. I did not sleep with this man, but we did kiss and fool around.

Just be absolutely honest with your H, there is no such thing as platonic with an ex-lover, nor anything innocent.

Depending on what type of fooling around you should get tested for STDs, they can be transmitted by acts other than intercourse.

God Bless
Gamma.

Now that I am back from deployment my BH and I will be together all the time for at least two years guaranteed and then we will be PCSing and will be able to start fresh at a new assignment. We do not currently have any children. The OM is also married, but because we are enlisted in the military we are unable to make it known because there are severe ramifications to both of our careers if it is found out. I am completely serious about working through this I had already stopped everything before I came home and planned on fixing my marriage. The only communication I had with the OM was the other day he had messaged me to tell me his wife was in the hospital and that she was going to be fine. That was before everything was out in the open and the no contact email was written. I had already written him a no contact email and do not work closely to him at all. I will ensure that I have no contact with him what so ever. I love my husband so much and I cant believe I was so selfish. I know how fortunate I am for him to have given me a second chance. I don't want to screw this up!

I know that I do not have any STDs we are constantly checked in the military. I am aware that none of this was innocent and do realize how important no contact is and that because of the history it could never really be platonic.

Hello Malpal

You have really come to the right place if you want to repair your marriage. I was in your situation about 3 months ago and life is slowly starting to improve for me although still early days. This site has been a blessing!

Some words of advice whilst things are still raw:

1. Listen to the guys here, they really know what they are talking about
2. Work on your personal boundaries, lack of boundaries got yourself into this position in the first place. I had a lot of guidance on this, have a look on my thread when you get chance.
3. It will be a roller coaster of emotions, good days and bad days, brace yourself!
4. You have to let your husband know that the OM meant nothing to you, you accept total responsibility for your actions, what you have learned and what will prevent you from doing this again in the future.
5. You are going to need lots of time & patience.

Good luck.

Hitch

Until the OMW knows what you have done then there is no going forward. Do you honestly want that on your conscious? Who cares if you have NC with him, what if he ends up having another affair with another lady. Ends up getting an STD then giving it to his wife and unborn child. Now ask yourself again.

Do you really want that on your conscious?

Please do this poor woman a favor and let her know that her marriage is in deep trouble.

Welcome to MB this is a wonderful place to land.

Here is a place to begin reading.

This is a newbie thread with a load of links for the most important readings.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

I would also suggest you read Surviving an Affair and His needs her needs.

You should have thought about the severe ramifications to both of your careers BEFORE you started screwing around. If you don't want to do the time, then don't do the crime. You can't duck away from the consequences. OM is still free to contact you at any time. The way to kill this thing dead is to contact his wife. You don't learn your lesson if you haven't accepted the consequences. The military won't do anything other than slap you with a no contact order. Trust us, there are plenty of BSs here in the military whose spouses are military officers, and there is not one of them that ever suffered any consequences. You basically have to be caught with photographic evidence of the two of you having sex before the military will punish you. They will however issue a cease and desist contact order which is usually all the BSs are looking for.

If you don't want to screw this up, you'll have your husband contact OMW and let her know. Sack up and accept responsibility.

Malpal,

You�re going to be beat up a lot by posters here. I find your attitude to be very good and very rare. Most of the time there are WW�es who come here and try to justify their behaviors, but you aren�t doing that.

What some people will not understand is the mentality that develops when you deploy and the coping mechanisms people develop when gone. In very many ways, you don�t act like your normal self.

If we were advising your H and you were an unremorseful wayward that was still actively involved in an affair, then I would advise him to expose to OM�s wife and the chain of command.

What to do now?

I say you do the following:

Make it clear to OM that you never want to speak to him again or interact with him. Any attempts on his part to do so will result in you going to your chain of command and his chain of command.

Let your H decide what to do about OM and reporting him to his chain of command.

What I�ve learned on this forum is that military leadership tends to stick their heads in the sand on this issue and don�t want to bring the hammer down on infidelity.

I know of a combat veteran who cheated while deployed. It was really and truly and act of coping with what he was experiencing. It was wrong in every way and he recognizes it. He told his wife, she�s forgiven him, and they are happily married and he�s getting help for PTSD.

It has by no means been easy.

But you have a chance to restart your marriage. Send your H here and we can help you both.

I commend you on coming here.

I am not justifying in any way what you did. But I do understand what has caused it and the circumstances that develop that make them more likely than under normal circumstances.

The OMW must know. This will keep the OM away from you and NC in place forever. Your career will not end because the affair is over.

Contact your 1ST SGT and discuss this situation with him/her. Then follow thier instruction/orders on how to handle this. This protects you further from major reprocussions and will result in a cease and desist order keep you two away.

Your career will not end( i.e. not being able to re-enlist) but you will get punished to a lesser degree than if you did not come forward.

The OMW needs to know but after you work witih your Command.

Good Luck!!!

Please, just mail the OMW a card, or send her an email. Apologize, without any excuses, for your behavior.

Tell her that you want no further contact with her husband or her family, that you feel horrible for your behavior, and that you are working on your marriage. Tell her that you are exposing the emotional and physical relationship to her so that she can be aware of the issue and know the truth, and because it is the right thing to do, regardless of the ramifications and problems it might cause for you.

Begin your letter with an apology. End it with an apology. Then, give her your HUSBAND's contact information. Tell her it is so that she can rest assured that there is someone on YOUR END who is watching you, and who she can contact to be sure that what you have said is real, and so if she feels there has been any attempt at contact by her husband (or you!) she can follow up by calling your husband.

That way, you have closed the door completely on the OM, and his wife will believe you - after all, she can call your husband and ASK HIM if what you have said is true. She might do it, because she might want to see if her hubby really did have an affair or not - some women don't believe it.

Whatever she decides to do, you have apologized, you have given her the truth, and the information she needs to go forward with her life. And she can always watch his email, facebook, myspace, classmates, and everything else for any searches for your name. Because the truth is

she will have to.


SB