Good morning Everyone,

I don't know how to act right now. Is there anyone out there who can help?

Been with my husband for 9 years (6 of them married). We've gone through the counseling, discussions (hours and hours), his needs, my needs...now, I'm not in love with him and not attracted to him. I've been working on myself, keeping out of depression and all the negative feelings. Been working on changing me. I don't have energy to give him anymore. We've talked twice about separating. He is still in love with me, so I know separating will hurt him. I feel bad as I still care for him, and don't want him to hurt. I've withdrawn from him in a big way. I'm not the happy, carefree woman I use to be. I want to be reassuring so the separation won't be so bad on him. However, when I smile or am polite I feel like he thinks things are going to be ok between us. I'm not ready to walk out the door right now because I don't have a job. I'm working on getting a job now. There's a family function in two weeks, and I don't want to bring sadness to a happy event. Besides, having talked about separating, I know that when I tell him I want a divorce, I will have to be ready to move out that day.

Until I tell my husband my decision, how should I act towards him? Should I smile when inclined? Do regular things with him like we use to? Am I right in not sleeping in the same room with him (I sleep in the guest room right now)? Most of the time I am quiet, don't have anything to share or say. Once in awhile I can smile. I would like to prepare him for this decision, and feel that if he is angry with me, frustrated with my behavior, it will be easier for him and he'll fall out of love with me. I know that separating will be hard for both of us no matter what. I'd like to make this a mutual decision, and as easy as possible. I'm not out to make it miserable for him and I am not out to take his money. I'm not angry and not out to stick it to him. I'm very sad, unhappy and want to move on with my life, be happy and find the joy I've been missing for a long time now.

How do I act?

Thank you.

So tell us about your boyfriend. Because this:

is code for "I'm cheating on him".

Not only that, everything else in your post is about yourself, and about how you are lying to your BH (betrayed husband). You are actually in the process of leading him on, decieving him to believe he has a solid marriage when he doesn't. You want to avoid hurting him? (1) Stop cheating on him and (2) Fess up. It will hurt him far more to find out how long you've been lying to him under his face.

How do you act? For starters, how about you tell him the truth. About everything. That is the kindest thing you can do. Anything else, in fact, is cruel.

Agree with Tabby and would like to add that even though this thread is about divorcing, this is a Marriage Building website, not a how do I end my marriage easily without pain site. The folks that post on this thread are in the throws of divorce but most are here unwantingly after a long and tremendously painful struggle to save their marriages. Coming here and asking how to make this easy is disrespectful at the least and downright cruel. Especially since it appears you have not taken any steps whatsoever to try and save your marriage.

You should think long and hard about what you're throwing away. I'm sure you'll find it's worth fighting for once you really look at the facts and break contact with your OM, I'm assuming you have one here, and start taking the steps necessary to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Go back and re-read your vows and go through your wedding album then come back here and move this thread to Surviving an Affair as the WW.

You've been working on all the wrong things.

You don't work on making yourself a better individual at the expense of your marriage. You work on making yourself a better wife and become a better person.

What is depressing you? Is this clinical depression? Are you managing it through therapy and medication? Or is it you're bummed out because your marriage sucks?

Because if it is the latter, you can eliminate that depression by fixing your marriage.

What have you been doing to meet his needs?

You sound very self-absorbed.

I am almost positive you got a backup waiting in the wings. A close friend who has been a shoulder to cry on, a man who makes you feel better about yourself. A confidant.

Who is he?

I've got some questions, so I can understand better where you're coming from:

Sorry - you don't get to have this just because you want it. You cannot control him.

You vowed to love him in sickness and health for better or worse. This is the worse, and you're bailing. He's probably going to be upset and you don't get a say in that.


You can find this joy in your current marriage, MB can help you there, it really can. You don't have to stay unhappy, and you don't have to end the marriage. It isn't either/or. I'm sure you would agree that the BEST scenario would be a loving, happy marriage with your husband. MB can help you build that marriage.

If you're adamant about getting out - then stop toying with his emotions to make yourself feel better. Tell him, and move out with friends/ family. What you are doing right now is cruel.

agreed!!! There is no "easy" way for one person who is in love to come to grips with the other person turning their lives upside down.

Here is your post from 2, almost 3 years ago:


I hope you have received counselling for the abuse you suffered in your childhood.

Now, You've known about MB for several years. What have you done in that time, and with the free resources available to fix your marriage?

You posted once, advice was offered and you never came back.

You have worked to prevent intimacy in your marriage and complain that you are alone.

You harbored thoughts of an affair 2 years ago... and you seem to have made little positive progress.

You say you want help, yet you don't respond to those offering help.

Interesting.

tbmc, I don't know if you are having an affair, but I do know the solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. My suggestion would be to work to turn this around. If you implement this program in its entirety, it can bring love into your marriage.

And I wouldnt waste a second on your childhood. It is irrelevant to present issues.

WOW. Ok. Y'all are really putting me under the gun. My husband knows I'm not happy. We've had many issues, the biggest one being our sex life. We have been working on it for a few years now. I feel like I've been working on it; losing weight (which he admitted that sometimes my weight makes me less attractive to him), wearing sexy bedroom outfits, telling him what I want (all the books say tell the guy what you want, he's not a mind reader). I've done all that. (he told me what he wanted, and I showed him that if he can help with my needs, I can make his happen quite easily) I've purchased books, made suggestions, admitted that I'm shy, and asked him to take initiative sometimes, to lead. Gotten advice from friends. He may feel that he's worked on it too. However, (and I have to defend myself here) he hasn't really given it 100%, hasn't even tried a few of the ideas I've brought up.

We talked about separating the last week of July, just before a trip I had previously planned. We both felt better after the discussion and I felt that he was really going to try too. I went away for a week (preplanned trip), then came back with high hopes. A month went by, and I received very little affection (initiated by him). We talked again about the problems and feelings, possible separation. Same out come. We both felt better after the discussion. Now we are working on the second month. He's admitted to having a complex about sex (admitted this a couple years ago during conseling) but he hasn't done anything to change that (that I can tell). I feel like he's making it all my fault and I feel ashamed for wanting more passion in my relationship with him (right now there is no passion). I'm withdrawn and no, it's not helping the marriage. I just don't have enough energy to cope with my feelings and act happy and affectionate towards him, especially when he doesn't grab me and love me.

I am not having an affair. I can give him my loyalty at least.

Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't reply back two years ago. I felt overwhelmed. We have worked on intimacy, it's just not taking. I don't know why. Maybe we're really stupid that way. For me, it's hard to have intimacy when we're not connecting.

I haven't stayed in the relationship for two years to be cruel. I honestly wanted our marriage to get better. What do you do when you change and the other person doesn't? Now I'm being blamed for trying to change him and not loving him the way he is. I've learned (finally) that I cannot change him and he doesn't want to change, and, that he has to want to do some things differently. He use to be more affectionate, and I assumed/expected (that's my worst trait - expectations) that our sex life would get better and we would be more comfortable with eachother as time passes. I mean, don't people get closer? I've been giving my love and affection to him for years, and not getting half as much in return.

Yes, I'm giving up. Maybe it's bad, maybe it's good. All I know is that we're both not happy, and haven't been for a long time. I've been known for being very impulsive when the going gets bad. Working on this for years now, I don't think this decision is an impulse anymore.

You're all right. I need to tell him it's not working. Everything else will fall into place.

Thanks for your advice.

what's OM?

I have 2 confidants and they're both girlfriends, thanks.

Yes, giving him little love notes, hugging him a lot, telling him I love him, cooking fabulous dinners, being his sailing buddy when I get seasick, wearing sexy lingere, working out, planning romantic dinners, bringing some sexy books home, initiatiing a little talk about what we like in bed, baking delicious treats, making plans for fun weekends, watching what he wants to watch, biking with him when I'd rather do something else, making him a gift instead of spending money, buying him lotion for his feet because they hurt, caring for him when he's hurt, holding him, making his lunch and putting a little note in his bag, kissing him, cuddling with him, lifting his spirits and making him laugh when he's down, yes, I haven't really done much in the marriage. Nothing at all. I guess I don't know how to meet his needs. I missed some thing, some how.

Yes, I am self absorbed at this time.

tbmc, I don't think you are trying the right things that will effectively create romantic love in your marriage. There is a very specific way to do it and I know you haven't tried this method.

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

I would try the one program that really does work before you give it up. The sex problem will resolve itself once you restore the love in your marriage.

Are those things that HE wants you do? Or are they things YOU think he wants? I would suggest it is the latter, because if those are things that created love he would be in love. He is not.

Do you actually know his emotional needs? Or are you just guessing?

Plus, even if they are what he wants, none of those things will work to create love if there are love busters going on, like independent behavior, dishonesty, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands. (All of which are very hard to spot when you are engaging in them. I came here convinced I was doing none of them, and boy was I wrong.)

He told me he likes what I did for him. He hasn't told me his emotional needs. He's brought up other needs. He's not a really emotional type of person. In fact, I feel most of his emotion when he's angry and frustrated with me. I've asked him what he needed. Oh, wait...we talked about emotional intimacy and did an exercise during our counseling time (we did the exercise on our own). Q&A for both of us to compare. We really didn't have any break throughs, though, that I can remember. We were both pretty much like, oh you feel like this when I do that? Ok, I'll change what I do.

What do you do when you don't feel the love from the other person?

I would find out what he needs to fall in love. He might like what you did, but it wasn't enough to create romantic love. And like markos pointed out, if you were committing lovebusters, it wouldn't have made any difference whatsoever. Any need meetin' would be wiped out by your lovebusters.

Secondly, if you are not spending 20+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate needs, it won't work anyway.


This is a good start. If he tells you he is angry and frustrated, he can tell you WHY and you can stop doing the things that frustrate and anger him.

As long as you anger and frustrate him, emotional intimacy will be impossible to achieve.

So, that is where I would start. Start by eliminating the things you do to annoy him. Do you have the book Lovebusters? <---start there. And also start by scheduling 20+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate needs: recreational companionship, affection, sexual fulfillment and conversation.

You learn to be an expert at meeting their needs and eliminating lovebusters so that they fall in love with you. If you don't feel the love, it is likely he is not in love.