Hello MB,

I've been lurking for nearly 2 weeks. A former MB success story, PIO, sent me to MB for help.

As you can see from my login name, I am a WH. First some facts:

D-Day: 9/22/2010
Me: 47
BW: 46
M: 24 Yrs
DS: 18 Yrs - College freshman
DD: 16 Yrs - HS Junior
EA: 5/2010
PA: 8/2010

My BW and I live overseas. Well, she did until 24 hours after D-Day when she flew back to the US. DS and DD both attend schools in the US.

The A began innocently enough. I knew the OW prior to my M. She was my first true love. We dated for 2 years. I had not heard from OW in over 24 years. She contacted me via email in 4/2010 ( I guess due to a random Google search). What started innocently became an EA. In August, I travelled to the US and the EA beacme a PA in a 2 day period.

The A was revealed from the OWH who was using a keylogger (spyware) software. OWH sent an email to my BW on D-Day.

NC happened within an hour of BW seeing the email. BW departed within 24 hours to visit the DD and DS.

My BW is coming back in a few days. Although I went NC from the moment the A was revealed and in my heart knew that I wanted to be with my family and reconcile, my BW needed time but she is now ready to come back.

I read HNHN and loved it. I only wish it had been given to me years earlier. BW is bring SAA, FILSIL and LB when she comes back. She has not read any of the books or visited the MB site. Probably on the plane she said for the books, I recommended SAA first.

My question is how do I avoid smothering here with affection and attempting to meet her EN? I have read the FAQs and the info on the MB site, have read HNHN and have read quite a few forum threads. I want to create a new and improved marriage but feel at a loss to start until my BS returns.

I'm sorry this is coming accross as me, me, me but that's all I have now until she returns. Having read so many forums written by BS, I can only pray that my wife gets as interested in MB as I have.

Any thoughts/comments would be appreciated.

EC

Welcome to MB EC. I am sorry your both here. I would suggest you send your wife here.

The pro's will be by soon hang tight.

Welcome to MB!

Have you checked out the MB coaching link at the top of the page?

I recommend that you start by letting her know you are willing to do whatever it takes to recover your marriage.

You've been married for 24 years, I'm sure you will be able to sense when you have overdone it!

There will be times that she wants you to hold her and times that she will want her space. Your role will be to re-assure her at all times by learning how to care for and to protect her in extraordinary ways.

Next book....read SAA!

Thanks for the replies. And I have checked out the coaching links. I've been to a counselor here and also to a psychiatrist (whose speciality is closer to schizophrenia and not marrital issues).

With the exception of D-Day and the day after, we didn't speak for 11 days. We traded emails on quite a few occasions and my message throughout this time has been I would do what it takes for as long as it takes.

One of the most helpful parts of recovering from my infidelity was setting up coaching appointments with the Harley's. Our marriage was in trauma mode and we needed some triage specialists to help us. Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers was our counselor. She was wonderful for us. I could never praise them enough for the help they gave to my wife and me.

I would highly recommend some appointments to quick start the recovery process correctly.

Some more information.

The OW sent me a FB message 3 days after D-Day. Although I had defriended her in FB, I was unaware that you could still send messages to anyone, anywhere within FB. The message didn't say anthing but "it is hard." I deleted it.

I emailed my BW and told her of the contact. I then deactivated my FB account to avoid further contact. My BW wanted to see the message. Although I had deleted it within FB, I do receive emails of all FB notifications. I was then able to send that to my BW. I'm not sure what she did with that email but she has OWH contact info since he was the one that revealed the A. I also closed another email account that was known to OW.

This morning, ten days after the last contact, OW sent an email to my work email account. I have just sent that email to my BW for her handling with OWH. I informed my BW I would be preparing a NC letter for her review to send out.

The last contact was a blank email. Nothing written. But it represents contact. I have blocked her through the office server but when logged on at home the block isn't effective since I guess I am getting the emails before the rules are applied within Outlook. Right now, email is the only communication with BW so I check email all the time. I feel empty and lost and look forward to seeing any communications from BW.

EC is it possible for you to change your email address? I am assuming it is a work email address - is there any way you can go through HR to get her ip blocked or something.

She seems persistent.

You say NC was established, how was this done? Verbally?

Perhaps a NC letter that your WIFE gives to OW would help.

There is an excellent letter in Surviving an Affair you should use as a template. Very basic and clinical and to the point.

You wont recover if you cant permanently remove OW from your life. I know you don't want contact but her persistence is setting you back.

EC, it sounds to me like you are on the right track. As a BW, I needed my DH to prove to me that he was 100% in on the recovery process. We read SAA together and then talked about it at length. We established UA time and did all the questionnaires together. Most importantly, when I asked a question about what they did together, he answered me without too much trickle truth (really after the first time that I received inconsistent bits of truth from him and he saw how badly that affected me, he never did it again).

I always say that I had it kinda easy compared to some others here since my DH never gave me the ILYBINILWY speech or compared me unfavorably to the OW. There is no bigger blow to your self-esteem than having your spouse say anything positive about the OP. Therefore, I would recommend that you lay off the first true love comments. If you didn't marry the OW back then, then she obviously wasn't all that!

That's my two cents. Following the MB principles is what saved our marriage. I wish you and your wife the best as you begin your MB journey.

V - A new email address is going to be some combination of my name and probably could be guessed by the OW but I need to check with IT. IT can perhaps figure out a permanent block to the email account coming in (by calling it junk mail for example).

NC was done verbally within an hour of my BW finding out from the OWH.

She is in a fog and doesn't realize how much damage she is continuing to do to my marriage with the attempts to contact me. I know this sounds strange, but the contacts only bother me because I have to disclose them to my BW. It is setting my BW back in her efforts to heal.

I emailed my BW and explained to her the NC concept. There have been some good ones on these threads and will use one of them to send out. I won't have the SAA book until she arrives in a few days.

My BW is interested in reading the MB books while she is traveling back here. The trip takes nearly 20 hours so finishing at least one of them (SAA first) is likely.

TWC - Thanks for the support. YOu are right about the "true love" comments. I have already said that to my BW but will not use that going forward.

BTW, my BW went back to the US ostensibly to inform the DD and DS. They were crushed as most would expect. I have heard from both of them after a week and they let me have it. I had it coming would be an understatement. I am hoping and praying that in time that will see changes in our "new" marriage and the kids can move forward with their relationship with me.

You can block an email address or domain in Outlook quite easily. Example. It should work and not depend on from where you access your account.

If this link does not help, google your specific situation, you will find a way.

Be assured - if you can find a a way to block OW yourself, without BW constantly asking you to do it, it will be huge step towards recovery. And vice versa, if you cannot do it, it will be huge source of resentment and suspicions for a long time.

How does this sound for the NC letter?

Dear OW,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband that she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

WH

Thanks Recon,

I guess I will head to the office and check my block settings. I looked at your link and that seems to be what I did. Maybe I entered the wrong email address.

Your NC letter is heading the right direction, but here is what was proposed to me when I asked the same question as you have asked.


My letter was almost word for word as quoted above.

I recommend the same for you as well.

I changed the "I care for my wife and family" to "I love my wife and family".... along with a few minor tweeks that were sugested to me by others.

Ya know...the OWH's is the one that stepped up and told this guy's wife about the affair so, perhaps, his wife wouldn't mind one sentence in the no contact letter saying something or another like...

Even though I know he won't accept it today...I apologize profusely to your husband

OR

Saying something about the OWH's family not deserving this as well (as in what we did to BOTH our families was cruel).


I know typically the betrayed spouse doesn't give a rats butt about the OW's family...but in this situation....one sentence acknowledging and apologizing to OWH would seem ok.

Mr. W

Typically, it is recommended that you write the NC letter EC, but you give it to your wife, and allow her to deliver it. This way she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that OW got it.

You may let her read it before you send it and ask her how she would like it delivered.

I think you're on the right track with the letter.

What a great point!

I would concur.

I like the letter and the suggestions so far. I will add one more...

It seems that OW tend to get more emotionally involved than OM. Given OW's repeated attempts at contact already, I would add a sentence or two stating that you do not love her and regret the affair. This is not to be mean but it serves a purpose: 1) OW's withdrawal may be expedited if you say something like this as OW tend to hang on to the romantic fantasy because the OP didn't literally say X, Y, and Z. A faster withdrawl will help her BH if WW isn't sitting around holding out hope. 2) BW will WANT to hear something like this. BW will look at everything you say and do. NOT saying something is as important as saying something.

Welcome to MB.

Hey B_R

I agree with what you are saying about his BS needing to see and hear these things, but we must keep in mind that the NC letter also needs to be beleivable or the OW may see it as something he did ONLY for the BS to get off of his back.

It's a fine line for sure.

The goal is to establish NC in a manner that prevents the OW from becoming a bunny boiler at the same time. We don't want to leave room for OW to make comments back to him, continuing the drama. Keeping it simple and to the point shuts the OW down and hopefully keeps her out of their life forever.

I know the way Dr. Harley words it all in SAA can rub salt in the wounds of some BS's, but his reasons for choosing the wording in his suggested NC letter have sound reason behind them.