I am seeking advice on how to deal with someone with serious anger management problems. I am feeling exasperated, frustrated and at my wit's end and on the verge of just giving her her wish for a divorce.

The last two years have been particulary hard on my wife and I. We have endured a splitting time between two cities while she pursued her Master's degree and I was working. This was followed by a nearly 12 month separation due to my work and the death of her mother, and two intercontinental relocations (soon to be followed by a third at the end of June?).

Even though it is difficult sometimes, I love my wife and desparately want our marriage to work. But it is getting harder and harder. She is feeling frustrated with a number of things - my job, our finances, etc. - and is lashing out with increasing anger at me. She seems to lose all touch with her rational self and some demon just takes over and will not let go.

Last night is a case in point. I came home at 9 PM from a business dinner (which she grumbled about my going to even though we just came off a week's vacation together). She was poring over financial statements and had several questions about the structure of our mortgage,etc. In any case, at some point in the discussion she turned from asking questions to insulting me, making threats and dictating what she thought the course of our financial action should be. Her response was I am not her to listen to you. "You will listen to me and do what I say!" At this point, I said I thought it was better for us to leave this conversation for another time and I got up and left. Well, she went ballistic! She threw the statements at me and then started yelling for me to come back because she was not done "talking to me." I told her I would not reward her bullying behavior by coming back and that when she is ready to discuss our finances like and adult I would be more than happy to do so. Well, she became even more enraged and just kept demanding I come back and "listent to her."

She has been seeting with anger and resentment for some time, but I can no longer cope with it an think she needs professional help. She is getting abusive in her language towards me and will continue to do so until she gets her divorce. She takes no responsibility for her actions, saying I make her angry and make her behave this way.

It is like on the financial front. She is aghast at our debt (most of which is from her attendance at an Ivy League University) and says that it is not hers and she is not responsible. She places some sort of moral judgement on being in debt because she grew up poor and is simply terrified of the balances she sees. I do not know how to help her over this (We owe $56,000 for her school, $33,000 for mine, have a $210,000 mortgage and $30,000 in other liabilities against assets of $800,000 and income of $150,000 per year), but her inability to discuss it without making judgements and accusations and then flying into a rage is destructive. I am tired of it. Further, she flies into these rages regardless of who is in the room, including my 5 y.o. daughter and I am starting to feel that I may need to separate to protect her.

A few months back while we were in the process of moving the movers packed my daughter's pillows. Well, my wife flew into a rage saying that D could not sleep on anything else and that I needed to go after the movers and find them! When I refused she "bopped" me on the head with her hand (and I held up my arm in defense) and then, feeling she was the wronged party, she decided to pack a bag and go to a hotel with my daughter.

D notices her behavior and tells Mommy that she shouldn't scream and yell and that it is bad, which makes it even worse. Then W blames me saying I am trying to turn D against her. I think the woman is sick and in need of serious help, but I cannot take it anymore.

I agree that it sounds like your wife needs professional help. It sounds like she may have more than just a problem with anger management; it sounds like she may have a true personality disorder...but that would be a call for a professional to make. Either way though, I do not see this as being a do-it-yourself project...she/you need help.

Will she go to a professional therapist? What would it take to get her there?

Kathi

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 05:34 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

Well, thus far she won't.

This is from an e-mail to my counselor, which just gives some background history. . .

Well, we had it out again last night and I do not know where things are leading. I am in need of counseling myself. She says that she needs a divorce because she cannot “waste her life” tied to me and my career. Further, as a result of her attendance at school, we are deeply in debt and she blames this on me saying that I am irresponsible with money; that I took advantage of her and placed a greater debt burden on her shoulders so I could “have a nice car and have a good time in Addis.” She doesn’t see the time I took as LWOP or the tickets I bought home to be with her and Sasha as anything (nor the plane tickets I bought for her sister and for her to visit her relatives in Ukraine as contributing) worth the expense and says she did not need me to visit.She demanded last night that she take control of all credit cards and the check book as I “cannot be trusted.” I am so tired of all of it. There is never a discussion of “we” in anything she says. It is all about her.



She says that after she left me in Addis last summer, she had a hard 3 months coping with her mother’s death and then the sniper affair and that through this ordeal she discovered that she does not “need me.” I can remember, however, that I was managing home from Addis during most of the sniper terror.



Regarding assignments, I told her that knowing that the Ukraine Mission wanted me for the Moldova position we should put that as #1. She said no that she wanted Egypt, where I was their definite #2 and that if I put anything else this was yet again a case of my “not listening to her.” So, I did what she wanted and now we are stuck with something else that is unknown and for which she is not going to be happy. She further say “do not blame me.” I didn’t and couched this as “we made the choice” on the bid list, but deep inside I am seething.



I really do think that she could use some counseling, but she refuses saying whatever problems exist are not because of her. When she gets angry and throws a tantrum in front of Sasha, my daughter reacts by telling her that she is bad and should not “scream at Daddy.” This gets her even more upset and she starts saying that I am trying to turn our daughter against her and that I purposely do things to get her upset as a means to do this. I cannot point out in some way that does not rile her further that it is her behavior and not whatever I’ve done to upset her that gets Sasha saying these things. Further, her language with me is getting quite abusive (I do not need to repeat what she says, but needless to say if I said it of her she would be doubley upset) and last night she threw a large JCPenney Catalog at me (Sasha was asleep already, thank God).



I am not the most communicative person when it comes to money matters, but mostly because she places a value judgement on how money is spent, in what amounts and how and has always felt that all debt (student debts, etc.) are bad and that if you have debt it is a sign of a weak character who cannot manage him/herself. She is also an absolute control freak. She wants to be so in control of everything, which I think makes the whole assignment process, etc. and AID’s whole attitude towards families (or lack thereof) more frustrating for her. She says that she has to scream and yell because otherwise there is no other way I will “listen to her.” I’ve tried to point out the burden that we took on financially in sending her to Columbia, but all she relates to is the cost of tuition and not all the other incidental costs. As far as point out that one of the reasons I had to go to Ethiopia was to maintain both the house and to help with her schooling. She rejects this out of hand, saying she never needed my help and that as far as the house is concerned it is not her house as it was not bought with money she earned and that for all she cares I could sell it and keep all the money. She simply wants out and wants to take my daughter with her and even points out she will leave and not tell me even where they are going. You would think she sees me as an abusive husband/father! Further, I do not think that her father having died when she was young helps this, as she says I grew up without a father and so can Sasha. Back in September before coming here she twice stormed off – once after being stopped by the police for violating a do not enter sign (I had to go look for her and found her in a park about 5 miles away) and the second time was when we were packing out. She got uncontrollably upset with me because the movers packed my daughter’s pillows and she demanded that I should chase after them and get them. When I wouldn’t, she got even more upset and then pushed me (well I pushed back). She then packed a suitcase, dressed my daughter and walked out of the house saying she was going to stay in a hotel. Poor Sasha was caught in the middle of a tug of war and was telling me “it was OK Daddy, we will come back tomorrow.” In retrospect, I almost think I should have let her go and then called Montgomery County Police and reported a kidnapping. I was (and am so frustrated).



The only thing that I marvel at is Sasha’s resiliency. She is very happy, but she definitely sees me as the more emotionally stable person. However, she also thinks that every time Mommy gets mad, it is because Daddy did something wrong. So, do I continue to work with this person or do I just give up and let her go? And what does that mean for my daughter?



If I knew that joining the FS would lead to all this I would not have joined up and would have stayed a PSC. It is further frustrating because there are so few outlets it seems to seek and obtain assistance. I have to watch the AFRTS here and see all the things that are on offer to support military families, while it seems we are left here to struggle alone. I hope to have hope, but it is getting very difficult. She wants me to change, but I cannot see things getting better unless she recognizes her faults and weaknesses as well. And this is something it appears she doesn’t want to do.