Sounds like you need a break, why don't you and S15 take a trip somewhere fun for a day or two. Give him a good memory. Is the family visit making him uncomfortable?

Life's rough enough for a teenager without unnecessary drama.

Hi Seeking

What the hell is going on? You sound as though you are at your wits end. Please dont take this the wrong way, but are you sure its not your internal paranois about the A that is making you feel this way? After all you said to me sometime back that your MIL seemed to be quite understanding when you told about the A.

I know its bad for you when you go and buy some cigs, that is exactly what I do when I FEEL like things have hit rock bottom.
I put feel in CAPS because I feel like they are, which is different to things actually hitting rock bottom.

You sound like your super sensitive to your H criticisms, I can relate to that one, he makes the smallest criticism and I feel upset for hours.

Are you calmer today?

Hitch x

*********EDIT**************

Thinking of you and wondering how you are doing on this rollercoaster ride today?

I've really managed to blow it the last four days. I either lashed out or withdrew, and most days both.

I have it so firmly fixed in my head that he is my Father/Boss, and I can't seem to displace that paradigm. For some reason that I don't begin to understand having his mother here triggered the hell out of me. All of the sudden, I felt I had to work 16 hours a day cleaning, baking, ironing, planting. painting, and being PERFECT at all times, telling myself all the while that HE was forcing me to do it. He wasn't forcing me to do sh**. He kept telling me to relax and read a book or something. But NO, I wouldn't hear of it because having the floors clean at all times is obviously more important than enjoying an afternoon on the porch reading, which, in my twisted brain was somehow HIS fault.

He has been lovely -- patient, considerate, listening, helpful, supportive.

I have been hateful -- positively bristling with hostility -- seeing that as patronizing, hovering, disrespectful and critical.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but something is seriously wrong with me.

Last night I blew up and told him I didn't feel like I could live my life with him watching everything I do, and I feel like I have to be accomplishing something every minute of the day because otherwise he will be mad/disappointed in me, that I was in despair about the future, that he doesn't approve of me and never will, that I will never be good enough for him, and then I stomped off and went to bed, and took and Ambien to be good and damn sure there was no follow up conversation.

There have been times in the past when my anger at him was justified. This isn't one of them. He just could not have been nicer, and I just could not have been uglier.

He got up this morning, took S15 to school, and left coffee by my bed so I could get some rest given my self imposed draconian work schedule.

It's like I can't let him change. It's like I have to keep him as the enemy, when the enemy is me.

He's very depressed about the situation. He thinks I would be happier without him. He left on planned business trip, then this morning from there he decided to go hunting, and he's going to decide whether to come back home after that.

I, true to form, started throwing up during our conversation this morning so it was disjointed. It's almost impossible to have a meaningful conversation when one of the parties is running to the bathroom every few minutes to vomit.

Before he left, I told him the problem is in me, not him. That he has been lovely, and I project all of my anger at myself on him. He's tired of being my projection screen and who can blame him? I told him I want him to come home, but of course the choice is up to him.

Now I'm angry at myself for screwing up AGAIN. I can't seem to get a handle on what my problem is. I try to listen to everyone here and I have truly followed all of the advice, but maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I shouldn't have cut all my friends and family members who knew about the A out of my life -- It left me so isolated. Maybe I shouldn't be open and honest with him -- it hurts his feelings. Maybe I shouldn't have followed the advice to table my feelings for the time being. Maybe my Taker simply found another way to come out, and when she does she is ALWAYS furious.

Maybe I'm irredeemable, if not in his eyes, then in mine.

Maybe I'm incapable of receiving love. Maybe the FOO scars just run too deep.

Maybe I can't forgive myself and so I can't receive forgiveness.

Maybe I should let him go and find someone who isn't a string of DSM mental codes.

I can't blame him for giving up on me. I'd give up on me too. Maybe that's the baseline problem. Maybe I already have given up on me.

He's gone now, and I don't know if he will come back or not. Maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe I made sure I got what I deserved. Maybe I should stop fighting for the M and just let the poor man be. I'm ruining his life. He loves me, and I'm ruining his life.

I just want to crawl in a hole, curl up in a fetal position, cry and lick my wounds.
But S15 doesn't allow for that kind of self indulgence so I have exactly one hour and 46 minutes to pull myself together.

I'm so lost. I don't have anyone left to talk to.

Sorry, this is sort of a core dump. I don't know what to do and I am a DOER. Maybe I should just leave the poor man alone.

(((((Saddest)))) I know you changed your name but right now this one is more appropriate.

I don't know what to say, nor do I have much time to say it but I thoughts are with you. I can relate so much to what you say. I have done and felt the same things....not good enough, always disappointing...go and throw an affair on top of that and there seems like no coming back from that.

But there is.

And you know it.

Which is why you are here. So listen, and absorb and cut yourself some slack.

Good luck.

SB, take a deep breath and get back up on the horse again.

Two suggestions:

Schoolbus recommended a book, "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box." I'm reading it and getting a lot out of it--from what you're saying here, you might, too.

Get some progesterone cream. Seriously. I can't find the name of it, but some doctor wrote a book about how women in perimenopause are usually totally lacking in progesterone, causing an estrogen imbalance. Too much estrogen=irritable and combatative. He says that unfortunately women tend to be treated for menopausal symptoms with more estrogen, which just makes things worse. If you google Amazon, you can probably figure out the book if you're interested. Believe me, I've laid in a stock of this stuff!

In general support to this idea, I have found that SO MUCH of my behavior and feelings are driven by hormonal factors. Me, who always prided myself on never PMSing and never being governed by hormones...Yeah I've had to eat crow on this one.

Birth control, for me, made me continually irritable and hostile towards my husband. I'd been on it for YEARS before we were married and figured the problem was him- only to find out when we started trying to have kids that I was a completely different person off of it.

Hormones and your biology really CAN affect your moods and behavior and perception of those you love. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I think it awesome that your husband, rather than retaliating to your hostility decided to be loving towards you instead. That says a lot about him.

Saddest

what's going on? I thought about what you would say to me and you got to get yourself out of that foetel position and make a stand for your marriage.

It sounds like to me as though you have gone over board to make up for your affair. You got to cut yourself some slack for goodness sake.

Please please get it together, you have a wonderful H who is supporting you through this. Remember that boundary you remind me of, self care? You need it right now. Do something for yourself to self soothe.

Take care saddest, I mean it.

Hitch

OK, I just spent the entire evening re-reading my thread, or at least most of it. I do not recommend this activity for anyone who is already feeling bad about themselves but rubbing salt in my wounds is a favored coping tactic of mine. If cutting had been in vogue when I was younger, I would have sliced and diced like mad.

And here is what jumped out at me: we aren't speaking the same language.

He announced to me that he is going hunting after his business trip and my first thought was "that's fine with me, but we didn't POJA it." He hasn't a clue what POJA is.

We have a student from India staying with us for a couple of weeks through an exchange program who just arrived tonight, and here I am alone with dealing with what was meant to be a family experience. It's my own fault -- I was horribly unpleasant to him, but still. I don't even know if he is coming back while the kid is here.

S15's tennis coach came up to me tonight and said, not in so many words, that it is very clear that my MIL doesn't like S15. That made me feel better as I now feel I am not as crazy. Mother bears know.

I need to get H on board with MB. I want him to talk to SteveH. He doesn't want to. I want him to read a book. He doesn't want to. I'm trying to implement this from one side. It isn't working.

I wonder why he is so resistant.

Have you talked with Steve Harley about how to get your husband on board?

I feel like I saw a forum one time for women's issues but I can't find it -- is there such a thing?

Great tip -- HRT would never have occurred to me. I'm too young for menopausal issues, right? Just ignore that 50 at the bottom of the page next to the W.

Nanowritersix, found and ordered the book. Thanks.

Vibrissa -- I had the same problem with the pill which a very perceptive dr. picked up on my second year of law school. I tried it a couple of more times over the years, with the same result every time. I wonder if I am just extremely sensitive to hormone levels. I hate anything that smacks of female problem excuse making, but I'm going to ask my doctor.

Markos, last time I talked to SteveH I was just certain my H would talk to him so we didn't discuss a strategy. The first time I talked to SteveH he suggested I tell H that I'd talked to him, that it seemed like he knew what was what, and would he please call.

I think I need to try that again.

H did tell me last night he isn't going to D over this last week but that I need to learn faster and better.

I'm pretty depressed today. I've been working SO HARD on the M. I'm weary. I can't seem to stop making mistakes. I'm tired of getting it wrong. I feel so small. Maybe I'm just not capable of being a good W, but it's not from lack of effort. I've seen this episode play out in my M a million times. I am so sick of it.

We'll see if he decides to come home. In the meantime, thank God, there are flowers and bulbs to plant.

Huh?????

"Maybe I'm not capable of being a good W"


I would like you to do something.

Funny thing coming from someone newer than you, but here goes:

You recently said you stepped back and read over your own thread. I have just read over your thread.

Do you even fathom how far you have come over the past few months? SB, you are far more than capable. Think of the transitions you have made, the achievements in your life. Law school, motherhood, and this.

Nothing is wasted on your H, even if sometimes you can't see it.

Yes you have worked hard. And it makes you weary, and it feels like you make a lot of mistakes. I'm sure other WS's would echo your sentiments through recovery.

I know my FWW does. When we hit those drops in the recovery coaster, she's in the car next to me, and beats herself up.

It's not that she has failed, it's not that I have failed - recovery is just a roller coaster, it's jagged.

I'm sure in your life and/or studies you have read about the stages of grieving - and recovery is a grieving process. While they are always listed in a particular order, you don't go through the process in order, and you can jump around and repeat steps, fall out of acceptance go back to denial. It sucks, plain and simple.

princessmeggy, I had a post in early August where, among other things, I described my H's sister's AP and H's critical nature, and your response was "You're a great writer, too bad it's all BS."

It stung me. It would have stung from anyone, but you are a vet. I've thought about it every single time I have posted since then.

It wasn't BS. Not a word of it.

It still isn't.

I'm still in that place. Lost and in pain with no clear idea of what I'm supposed to do next. It's horrible.

You of course are free to say whatever to anyone who posts here. That's the way it works. Your post hurt me. I don't know what your purpose was. You have no obligation to explain. I was sufficiently concerned about my credibility that I made up a new screen name to post to a man with an international custody issue as I thought the "saddest" imprimatur might distract from the substance of my advice.

I'm more wary now than when I started -- far more careful about what I say and how I say it because I don't want to be called a liar again. That may be good, or it may render this an exercise in futility. I don't know yet.

... and how far you have not.

Your actions have damaged your credibility over and over. Own that. It's OK. It really is. You still fight to uphold that even here, and it has to be exhausting. Behave credibly, and you regain credibility. If you are behaving credibly, then there is no reason for it to be called into question, and no reason to be stung by it when it is.

You have forgiveness issues. It's playing out here. It probably plays out at home with your H.

It's not a judgment, we can all be guilty of this, it's a mechanism to help defend ourselves from harm. However, it can also cause us to shut out those we love, and those who try to help us because their honesty hurts.

Don't get discouraged. You are undergoing a process of changing your thoughts, actions, and reactions. As you erase those old behaviors, your self-defense mechanisms are going to go off with all the bells and sirens.

Ignore them. They are denying you the opportunity to change and move forward.

Here's the EXACT post I made. The BS I was referring to were the prior pages and pages of your posts justifying, defending, deflecting, getting it, not getting it, ranting at people, withdrawing, apologizing, arguing why MB won't work for you, ad nauseum...

I guess you could say I'm a vet or not... whatever..

I think she means to ignore the self-defence mechanisms, meggy.

Is that right, HHH?

Yes, I think HHH is saying to ignore the temptation to be defensive and shut out those who are trying to help us.