Kris is an acquaintance. I asked her if she would like some MB links and she said she would so I told her I would post in a thread here for her.

Her H is in the military and she recently discovered he is having an A. She is thinking of doing a FB exposure to OW friends and family but she is concerned about it pushing her H further away.

I hope she will post! {{{Kris}}} Links/reading to follow.

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Please read the whole Carrot & Stick thread if you get a chance:
Carrot & Stick of Plan A
Hang in there!

Kris, Welcome and I am sorry that you find yourself here. SusieQ is a great person to be friends with. I hope that you will find the courage to post so we can give you some more help and support. Welcome.

My husband exposed on FB this is what he wrote on his wall.

"Just let you know my wife and so and so is having an affair, if you want to email me or msg me for more information please do so."

Killed the affair dead on it's tracks!

Was I mad?

OF COURSE!!

I left 2 days later BUT!

The affair was dead
The fog was lifted
And I wanted my family back.

HMM....tough decision.

Hi Kris,

I am SusieQ's sister and discovered my H was having an A last year. I was lost for about 3 weeks until I talked to SusieQ and she led me here. Thanks to the help of my sisters and MB, I launched a successful Plan A.

Do expose as soon as possible! I really like Sapphire's idea. The one thing I wish I had done differently about my FB exposure was to expose to more people on FB. I only exposed to 8 mutual friends between OW and me, and one of her family members.

I urge you to post your story here, read as much as you can, and ask all the questions you need to. MB'ers are a great source of advice and support, and Susie is great too.

All the best of luck to you.

Hello - I am Kris

I have been married to H for just over 6yrs. We have a 4yr old son. H has been in the Military our entire marriage. I believe that the Affair started about the middle of August. The photos she sent him and then he sent to his friend were from August 26th.
The OW is apparently 20yrs old, H is nearly 30.
Since finding out I have tried to get him to realize what he is throwing away and that I am more than willing and wanting to work and repair our marriage,our son and I will move to his duty station. He just wants to be left alone, I am backing him into a corner he claims and not letting him think and by doing that making him resist.
He will not fly in to meet with me face to face and try talking to someone before he really decides.
He is beginning to screw with my son and I financially. Which has now pushed me into anger since he has promised he wouldn't.

I am now planning to turn him in for the Affair to the Military on Monday. I had said I was turning him in when I first discovered Monday night, that sent him into a rage and he said I was screwing with his career and therefore screwing myself and son financial. Pretty much threating me.

I am sorry if this seems scattered and unorganized. My head is feeling very jumbled.

Hi Kris, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are very lucky that you have 2 people helping you who have both saved their marriages.

You are doing the right thing in exposing the affair. I would strongly suggest that you expand your circle and expose to everyone on the same day. His parents, yours, the OW's parents/family/facebook friends. Everyone should know about the affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it can be very effective in killing it.

Kris, I am so glad you stopped by and that you already have some wonderful folks posting to you

**Just as an aside, I have only sent Kris a few FB messages to see if she would be interested in MB and to give some words of support (so please don't assume that I am giving her a ton of guidance and feel free to help her out!)**


Please do not tell your WH (or OW) of any further plans you might have to expose the A. It's your secret tool!

Have you read up on Plan A & Lovebusters? I can't recommend that enough. Before I landed here, I was commiting major lovebusters practically every time I interacted with my WH and it was pushing him further and further away from me... It was the hardest part but best part of my Plan A to get those under control...

Hang in there!

You can't push someone away that is already gone.

I was furious when my wife exposed my A. The A continued even after exposure.... And I even tried to spin the exposure to make it look like my wife was just being vengeful. (that spin backfired... most of the people really weren't as stupid as I thought)

The exposure had a huge impact on the A. Not IMMEDIATE, but it was HUGE!

Never be afraid of the truth. He is counting on your own embarassment about his A to keep you in line.

Your H is gone right now!

He's been replaced with an identical look alike. This look alike has no common sense, no rational thought, and cares about no one except himself. This look alike is in effect... BRAIN DEAD!

Exposure is like an IV line that will help send vital nutrients back in to his system. His system needs some reality because he is OD'ing on fantasy. His system needs some reality because he is under the impression that his actions only affect him.

Exposure, carried out swiftly and correctly, will also allow you to regain the dignity that his choices have been trying to steal from you.

The idea that exposure will push a spouse away IMO is a lie that that is peddled by those that have allowed that dignity to stripped away.

Hang in there and remember, YOU have the high ground.

Kris, I agree that you will need to do your exposure swiftly and wide. Around here, we call it Nuclear Exposure. There is no guarantee that your WH will lose his job. There have been people who have not.

The most important part about exposure is that it shines light on the affair. Even if the affair doesn't end right away, as my WH's has not, you have told the truth and your WH is unable to spin it.

You need to do some digging and get the OW's family on that exposure list. Get a message to them. I don't see how a mother or father could be okay with their 20 year old daughter having an affair with a married father.

I know how you feel. We all do. We were once in your shoes. MB helped us get to where we are today. Welcome. This is a safe place for you to learn and do the best for your marriage and yourself.

So true. The reason that Dr Harley has had so much success in helping couples overcome infidelity is that he recognized early in his career the similarities between people in affairs and people with other addictions ~ the justifications, the foggy behavior and not caring about anything other than getting a fix...

While your WH is taking hits off the crackpipe (the affair), he is foggy and he IS NOT YOUR H.

When my H was in the throes of his A, he didn't care about me, our children, pets, etc., and these changes seemed to happen almost overnight. I couldn't believe how cold he seemed towards my sadness. Everyone said things like he was going through depression, MLC, childhood issues were coming to the surface. But after reading here, I have come to learn that this is so common with waywards. But after a few weeks after NC, he was extremely remorseful, ashamed, and wished he had never gotten involved in the A.

So anyway, you wrote about being very angry that he is doing things with your finances, etc ~ I just wanted to encourage you to try to bust up the A 1st(with exposure) and see if you can't get your REAL H back, instead of the foggy wayward you are dealing with now, before making any rash decisions to move to Plan D/FU...

Hang in there.

Since you are considering doing the exposure on Monday...

you MAY want to consider going to the bank FIRST and protecting yourself to the extent you can.

IF you have a joint account with him that contains the "family money", you have every legal right to withdraw it all and move it into YOUR name (not as punishment but merely to protect yourself and your child). If it's a substantial enough amount that you don't feel the need to take 100% of it...consider taking 2/3rds (your 1/3rd and your childs 1/3rd). Later, if and when you ever find yourself in court defending yourself from accusations of "absconding" with the family assets...you can easily "defend" your actions by rationally explaining how you computed taking 2/3rds of the money and you can track where the money went and how it was spent thereafter (keep records just in case).

Further...by protecting the money you are also protecting your WH from spending all the family money on OW and his selfish pursuit of waywardism. Waywards BLOW money of such wasteful things and, later, if they recover, regret it (on top of everything else). Protecting the money...actually protects him too.

If there's really no any family money to "protect" you MAY have to consider pursing a temporary support order much sooner than you'd otherwise consider it. After you expose, the typical initial wayward reaction is anger. He may try to punish you by withholding money completely and obviously you will need to be prepared to act immediately to rectify such on behalf of yourself AND your child. Be prepared to lawyer up (which is another reason choosing to expose on a monday is a smart choice....gives you five business days to assess the fallout and respond if necessary).

Do not protect him from the consequences of his choices.

Mr. Wondering

I was reading through my FB messages this morning and happened to run across the one between myself and Kris discussing exposure & MB... Figured I should update this thread to say Kris killed the A and by looking at her FB page, it seems she and her H are very happy.

Exposure works!