The following quotes comes from the FB page of an incredible DH who also happens to be a BH. It is what wisdom, integrity, character, and strength look like when put into writing.

"Life is like Searut's painting, "A Sunday Afternoon on the Isle of Grande Jatte." It's made up of a bunch of beautiful dots and a bunch of ugly dots. But, you can't see the beauty in the painting and it doesn't come into focus unless you back away from it. Once you are far enough away, you will see that the dots work together to create shapes of people enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon beside the sea. So, remember to not stare at the ugly blobs...back away from the painting and see the big picture."

"Because I have been forgiven much, I too must forgive. But, I've also learned why Jesus suggested that we may need to forgive as many as seventy times seven. Sometimes the wound goes so deep that saying you forgive once and for all is simply not possible. It's like putting a bandaid over a stab wound. The hurt is so deep that it takes time and care. Such offenses cannot be forgiven just once, but must be forgiven over and over again. I'm thankful that God has the ability to forgive me once and for all. But, I'm not going to beat myself up for getting sad or angry again and again after a deep wound is inflicted on me. It is not a failure to be human and acknowledge the pain that is there. It is not a failure to realize that you need to lay it down again and forgive. I will make it a point to not pick at the wound. That will only cause the wound to become infected. That will hurt even more and will require much longer for healing. I will make it a point to put the balm of forgiveness on the wound each time it hurts me instead of picking at it. Eventually, the wound will heal. But, it must heal from the inside out, and that takes time. The scar will always be there as a reminder. But, the pain eases with each passing day. No, I may never be the same. But, I will one day be able to walk and leave it all behind. I will one day only remember the hurt when I see the scar. Then, I can be thankful that the pain is gone. When Jesus looks at his scars, does he think of me?"

Like I said, these are the thoughts of a DH. He calls himself a DH because he no longer wishes to wear the label "B"H.....and he no longer wishes to label his DW a "W"W. Because, quite simply, he loves her more than he loves bitterness.

I am one lucky woman.

Oh that is so beautiful!

Those are the good kind of tears. Thank you for sharing something so special!

Very wise and beautiful words. Thank you so much for sharing them.

You are indeed one lucky woman.

"Because I have been forgiven much, I too must forgive. But, I've also learned why Jesus suggested that we may need to forgive as many as seventy times seven. Sometimes the wound goes so deep that saying you forgive once and for all is simply not possible. It's like putting a band aid over a stab wound. The hurt is so deep that it takes time and care. Such offenses cannot be forgiven just once, but must be forgiven over and over again.

I'm thankful that God has the ability to forgive me once and for all. But, I'm not going to beat myself up for getting sad or angry again and again after a deep wound is inflicted on me. It is not a failure to be human and acknowledge the pain that is there. It is not a failure to realize that you need to lay it down again and forgive. I will make it a point to not pick at the wound. That will only cause the wound to become infected. That will hurt even more and will require much longer for healing. I will make it a point to put the balm of forgiveness on the wound each time it hurts me instead of picking at it.

Eventually, the wound will heal. But, it must heal from the inside out, and that takes time. The scar will always be there as a reminder. But, the pain eases with each passing day. No, I may never be the same. But, I will one day be able to walk and leave it all behind. I will one day only remember the hurt when I see the scar. Then, I can be thankful that the pain is gone. When Jesus looks at his scars, does he think of me?"


Interesting. But I see some sophomoric holes in his logic.

First, if forgiveness is canceling of debt, and I have been told many times here that�s what it is, then this sounds much more like residual mistrust and, yes, even fear. Not the process of forgiveness at all.

I forgave my adulterous wife much more than I suspect this guy was subjected to. Much more. And it was easy. She owes me nothing for what she did and all the times and ways she did it. Nothing. I Forgave her. She could not ever possibly make up for what she did anyway. No adulterer can. Not even in eternity.

But I don�t trust her any more either. Even Dr H teaches us not to trust your spouse. Unconditionally anyway. To me that means living in continual (as in regular, but not necessarily uninterrupted) fear for the rest of your marriage.

The consequences of a deep and nearly mortal wound, as this guy�s analogy puts it, are often infection and suppuration no matter what the victim does to help himself. The person who causes such wounds is responsible for ALL fallout, forever. Even after you forgive them.

There aren�t any easy answers to adultery. Not even in this guy�s writings.

Just turn it over to God and move on. That is the better approach. He keeps better track of this stuff than I do anyway.

But that does not mean I have to maintain a relationship with the person I forgive. In the case of adultery it�s better not to.

Perhaps he should have read How Can I Forgive You by Janis A. Spring first.

Oh, and what about the 491�st wound? What then? Lose your faith entirely?

I will search for his blog. He sounds scared to me.

He doesn't have a blog, unfortunately. I wish he did. These were musings from his FB page, which is set pretty privately.

He isn't scared. He was for awhile. Scared that forgiveness would never come, scared that he would never even want to try to forgive, scared that he would forgive and open up only for it to happen again. But he isn't scared anymore. And he knows all too well that forgiveness isn't cheap....he actually pulled out some old books from seminary to get a handle on the whole thing.

He knew that he could never change the past; neither could his FWW. And he knew that because his W had chosen that particular path their lives together would be forever altered. But, eventually, he came to the point where he recognized he could leave the woman who hurt him, he could stay with her and derive some sort of validation from holding it over her head, or he could take her hand and move forward with her. I will never be able to fully understand how terribly hard that choice must have been. I do know he had to make it more than once. Just like he had to choose to forgive over and over....every time the hurt reared its ugly head.

It was over 3 years ago that he wrote those words. They just scratch the surface of the man he is. And I can say that with certainty.......because he is my husband.

You are a blessed woman, Luri.

Ah, brag, brag, brag......Mmmmmph.....He sounds like a great guy, Luri. Cherish him. You are very lucky.

I figured the BH probably was yours.

Now that we have transparency. More transparency. (Why are adulterers so secretive anyway? In almost everything. Before, during and after the affairs even. Is it simply who they really are?)

Conventional wisdom around here says forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the perpetrator. But his forgiveness is good for you too, isn�t it?

It is good your H is processing his forgiveness. However he is able to do this processing is good for him. Good for you and good for him. Processing forgiveness will have to go on and on and on and then on some more - for the rest of his life, you know. And you will never see even the tip of the iceberg of it.

Is he processing forgiveness for OM? Should he - since that would supposedly be good for him too? What�s his Bible say?

I�ve had a huge lot of trouble forgiving OM. I ground him into the gutter in fact. The point being to keep him away from other marriages. (Though it did give me some satisfaction.) Give him cause for pause in the future at least. Am I not my brother�s keeper? Probably too late to forgive him now, even if he wanted it. They don�t have to want forgiveness do they? We are supposed to forgive them all, every last one of them anyway. Or so I am told.

Confusing.


Oh, and then they can do it again. 490 times. Right?

This was the last sentence of my first post. I just assumed whoever read it would know that the man is my DH. No secrets there.

When I confessed my A on July 25,2006, I did not expect DH to forgive me. I am not sure if I expected him to leave right away. You see, he was still in school and I was teaching full time, so I knew that in some sense he needed me. But I never ever expected to be forgiven. That he even began moving toward that was something that surprised me AND something I knew I did not deserve. And yes, I was very grateful, it was good for me as well as him.

I do have one confession. My A was 4 1/2 years ago, but a couple of days ago a few cutting remarks are made about whether or not it was my only A and whether or not my children were really his. Not by DH - he knows the truth. But my a stranger who has never met me.

And it pissed me off. Not just because I know that truth and this person was a stranger, but because I knew where it came from.

When a person has an A, they are a horrible creature. They wreak more pain and havoc than can be imagined. They are supremely ugly. I was supremely ugly. I'm not anymore. God knows that, DH knows that, and I know that.

The thing about relishing unforgiveness is, it eventually turns into bitterness. And bitterness is ugly too....and it sees ugliness everywhere else, even where there is not any.

lol - You think I might be bitter?

Nah. I am very content, now I am getting out. But I do see the uselessness of marriage in general much more clearly now. What, 60% adultery rate according to some stats. Even higher in Europe. I have been reading recently where marriage experts are revising their opinions about so-called recovered marriages � they really aren't all that recovered after all. Maybe Dr H keeps better numbers. Who knows?


"Not by DH - he knows the truth." Wow. It would be nice to know The Truth. Even just part of the truth. So, how does he know the truth? Or is it he thinks he knows? Hopes he knows? Not trying to put you on the spot here. Everyone would like to know how to know the truth about adultery.

I don't think he knows The Truth about infidelity....does anyone, other than it's disgusting. I meant he knows the truth about me. That was a big thing that I had to realize in order for our marriage to really keep moving forward. DH lives with me day in and day out, has access to every part of my life. We have known each other 23 years. he knows the truth about the person I am today. And because there are really only three people whose opinion about that count - DH, God, and me - the best thing for my M would be for me not to scatter about trying to convince anyone I might encounter that I'm really "OK." 'Cause I'll never be able to do that anyway.