I should have had the doctor adjust my meds months ago! I feel like Tawanda or something.

Outofkilter:
I am not one of the experts on this board. I do not pity myself even though I am a betrayed spouse. I brought anger in tone, witty comments and volume to my marriage and eventually paid the price as my wife found comfort elsewhere. I never planned my angry bouts. The affair was planned and even now that I found out many details through hundreds of hours (literally) of investigation over more than 15 months - all of the truth is still not out there.
Yes I need the details. Why? Because until I am certain that I am hearing the truth, I do not feel safe.
Your husband's anger is somewhat normal for a betrayed spouse and somewhat not.... He is as human as you are.
I beg you to go purchase Patricia Evans book on The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Read it for yourself. Its probably not the time to give it to your husband. But when he is calm it is important for him to read it.
I HURT FOR BOTH OF YOU!
I strongly suggest that you find the money to get anger management counseling or training for your husband. Or better yet both. It has changed me forever. I literally could not be certain that I would not blow up at my wife verbally (and did almost like clockwork) every three months for 12 years. When I finally awakened from the self defenses that prevented me from seeing myself.... I cannot tell you how much self hatred I experienced and still do on occassion.
I strongly benefitted from Dr. Novack's on line anger management course (I spent $500.00 for a 80 hour course). I threw myself into it and gradually, along with 10 months of counseling for myself, stopped the pattern of yelling. I cannot tell you how much better I feel about myself now that I can feel angry and not act on the anger. Its liberation for me.
Now, I want you to understand from a betrayed male what has happened to me over the past 18 months. First and foremost, I feel alone every day. I hate myself often for not being a good enough man to have kept my wife's sexual and emotional love interest in me. I often hate life and feel imprissoned by it. I recall what it was like to be inlove with my wife often. I am not in love with her anymore and I was for 12 years (anger or not). I feel worthless every day and wonder what my purpose in life is. I constantly ask myself why I am not good enough. I take antidepresant medicine every day (never did before), I have lost most of my sexual ability and I came very close to ending my life over the pain one day and only a chance meeting with a policeoffice on a lonely, empty farm road at night kept me alive. Most people would consider me very successful and I feel like a failure everyday inspite of my very visible position as a business leader.
I hurt and its only once in a while that I can enjoy the music on my stereo in my car.
I do have post traumatic stress syndrome.
I do not write to make you feel guilty or even better, remorse. I write to you to tell you that you probably had no idea what your actions would do to your husband if and when he found out. Your husband had no idea that you could do this or he would not have married you. No one chooses this kind of pain.
I will pray for you and for your husband.
I do feel sorry for you both.
I do not believe you should continue to stand up and take the verbal abuse you are receiving and your husband should not have to deal with any missing detail in your affair.
The fact that things are hidden from me is killing me slowly everyday. I want to love and I want to trust and I cannot because details are not there. I assume that the details are not being given because I assume my wife does not love me enough to be fully accountable.
I am a man and I am hurting everly day. I have experienced it before in my first marriage (being teh victim of an affair). I did not date for six years after that marriage ended. I never thought I would experience this pain again.
I beg you to understand that unless you have been betrayed by someone you are married to and in love with that you cannot possibly understand the pain. Logic will not tell you - it is the most indescribable pain on earth - ranked worse than death oc a child by most who have experienced both.
I do not really have advice other than that you get Patricia Evans book - for yourself and your husband. The marital experts here can better council you on the marriage issues. I want you to know that there is always hope.
For you and for your husband.
Please know that human beings can break. I am worried for you and your husband.
I promise to pray for you both and if it is in your belief system I would not mind if you prayed for my wife and I.
May God Bless you and your husband

Hurtingturkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Deep in Plan A
Considering Plan B in December 2010
Fixing Me and Succeeding
Struggling to Fix Us mostly by myself
Slightly Desperate but Not in Despair
Lots to think about!

By no means I am condemning outofkilter for what she did nor judging her.
However, I am truly surprised at what people do when in an A. I am not saying it can't happen, I am just surprized that a regular person can lose all his/her morals and do things that later on repulse them.
My WH never repented so I have never seen or heard him say the words "what I did was despicable".
I guess when you say A are addictive you mean that being with OP is addictive, just the feeling one gets by being with them is what makes it all worth while (leaving one's kids, spouse,job etc..). However if OP asked you to have sex with him and another guy how would that make you feel good?
Again, not judging, just trying to make sense of it all.
blessing

He/She is gone. ********edit*************

He, she, it - whatever.. This thread sure generated some energy! Hooo-eee!

******************edit*****************

**************edit****************

Troll or not, she asked a legitimate question. She asked for a path out of this mess that she was in.

Maybe she found it.
Maybe all she wanted was validation: "Husband bad, ME good" and she didn't get it.

Everything else is speculation.

OOK: If you are still reading, keep doing so. The counseling center and the MB principles saved my marriage, so it may make the difference in yours.

LG

***************edit*******************

See....unless they recently began selling working crystal balls, nobody here knows if she was a troll of not. I don't know if she was a troll.....but she definitely useful as a projection screen, now wasn't she?

Please keep your posts respectful and productive to this poster. If you believe a poster is a troll, please notify the moderators and let us make that determination.

For the record, being accused of being a fake when you are a real person is incredibly hurtful and disheartening. The advice you offer to a fake person may be valuable to someone else; so why risk hurting someone who might be real when you could help a real person even if the poster isn't?

I'm still chafing about several people who were accused of being trolls here and have now left.

Very wise markos. I think one reason your thoughts are always so valuable is because of where your focus is when you post.

I disagree. If the situation is so extreme to seem fake...then it really does not help at all. It makes me actually wonder about things that I thought I grasped and understood.
blessing

The problem, atena, is that people's standards of what is "extreme" are often very limited.

Case in point: TomOlympus had a very typical marriage, but many people were falling all over themselves to tell him off and say he was such a horrible husband he couldn't possibly be real. Now he's gone.

Another case in point is THIS VERY THREAD! The basic situation here is tragic but not unheard of at all.

When you set yourself up as judge of what is "extreme," you risk hurting real people and turning them away from a program that can help them. Better in those situations to just not post or to confide your opinion to the moderators, who actually have more ability than you or I do to find the truth. No reason to discourage other people from posting advice, nor to run down a possible real and hurting person. We can all be helped even if we are just addressing hypotheticals.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. I don't think anyone approaches a poster any differently if their sitch 'seems' extreme. Real or fake, the advice would be the same. I think the responses to this poster were true to form and on the mark. We can't know how much of the info we're given is twisted around to suit the poster - all we can do is respond to the info we're given.

"When you set yourself up as judge"

Actually marcos, you just said a wise mouthful with these few words. Because we humans love to do this.....we always look so good in comparison to others when we do.

But people need to be able to post their impressions about a situation.
I believe that many of the people that stop posting, trolls or not, stop because they do not want to follow thru the advice given here. They want to hear certain things said and when they do not hear them they go on to implement their own plan.
We should not stop saying what we believe would help someone just because they might not be a troll. If they are not a troll they can come back and say so. And then we will apologize for suspecting that.
blessing

I don't understand why people need to be able to post that they think someone is fake. Why is it not enough that they can share their feelings with the moderators? Why do they need to be able to post the accusation?

I have thought a number of posters were fake and I don't remember ever feeling the need to say so publicly. I've shared the opinion with my wife several times and notified the moderators a couple of times.


I am sure that is true.


You mean hurt them first, and then ask for forgiveness later?

you all, I did not make the "troll" diagnosis. Someone else on this thread suggested the poster was a troll.
Anyway, the main point here is that outofkilter is not longer posting and till she comes back and does that there is no point to continue to post on this thread.
blessing

Oh I agree. Which is why I do not plan to stop posting what I have learned. And I will not apologize for finally taking off the old "A" from my shirt. And if anyone ever questions whether my kids are my DH's again....

Well, Tawanda will pay another visit.