Here's the thing about trolls: they've got a short shelf life. It didn't take long for the two lesbians and their fake story to be 'outed' (sorry, couldn't resist)

Some posters come on here with a real story, and get beaten up about being a troll after already getting beaten up by their sitch. Some don't have the strength to knock down the wall that gets put up to keep trolls from posting.

I do agree, though, that there are posters who don't want to hear certain things. I only hope they come back before it's too late. I can think of a number of those.

Wow, those "fake" comments really touch me. I came onto this forum shattered and humiliated. I received some harsh opinions (yes, I know that they were simply OPINIONS but they still hurt when I needed comfort not lectures). I left for awhile, partly due to those, partly to technical issues with this website, and partly because I was in the process of moving to a new country while picking up the pieces of my life and marriage. Wonder if anyone called me a fake or a troll? Either way, Out of Kilter's post serves to stimulate debate and for us to consider other scenarios and pov's.

Out of Kilter, if you're still there, I just want to let you know that my thought is that two wrongs don't make a right. Your husband sounds obsessive and no matter what you did, you don't need to punish yourself by degrading yourself.

I kind of get obsession, as I feel I would give anything to know EXACTLY what sort of sex my husband was having with the OW because I believe it must've been more exciting or more passionate or more dirty or something. I want to replace or erase all thoughts of her from his head and as long as there's something they shared that he won't tell me about or do with me, then he's got a private memory and she lives on in his head.

That being said, if I were your obsessive and hurting husband, I'd want you to volunteer more information, even if you think you've been through it a million times over the last year. Consider bringing it up first, tactfully - "do you have any questions about my affair? I want to help ease the pain I've caused" or something like that. I don't believe you should do ANYTHING degrading with him that you are unhappy with, but explain to him why you did it with the OM, why you won't do it with your BH. He needs to feel like he's more important and of higher quality than the OM was. He needs to know that you're not thinking of the OM every time you two are intimate with each other.

Your husband sounds as if he lacks an ability to cope healthily, or maybe he's just been pushed way too far over the edge. A lot of people have suggested asking your husband to call and speak with Dr. Harley. You can only try to encourage him to do so, and the cost, well... beg, borrow, or steal (ok, not the latter). Good counseling is worth it. For both of you, because you both deserve to heal and have a successful marriage.

Caul

I agree with everything you said, Caulastrea, but I do take exception with this comment above. I looked back on your thread and there were many caring, thoughtful posts to you. One of which was mine. Folks took alot of time and care posting to you and they are rewarded with this?

Folks,

Please stop calling people FAKES until you have proof. If they are fakes then shame on them, if they are real then shame on us.

I hope in this case she is a FAKE, because if she is real she has no one who can support her and she feels desperate and alone. Much of her post was consistent with a person who is staggering under a mountain of shame and regret. Also there�s no reason to call someone a S*** or W****, or any form of those words, Troll for that matter.

God Bless
Gamma

He/ She did the same thing at SI. He/She really stirred the pot there just like here in fact there are 2 threads going on about this and he/she hasn't been back there either for the same length of time as here, one day. He/she stirred me up too I thought about him/her in church yesterday. Very effective.

Sorry, meant to notify MODs. How do I do it?

Melody, I've read enough of your posts now to know that you're amongst the wise on this forum.

Not to be taking over this thread, but as I mentioned, i had technical problems. I was entirely unable to look at my own thread, and even my requests for tech support went unanswered. After moving and settling in to a new country, this is the first I've had time to come back to this discussion forum, figure out how to open a post (in a very convoluted manner), and have spent hours enthralled, horrified, and amazed by Scotland's journey, that I haven't even gone back to my own thread. You're right, I owe acknowledgement and thanks to those who cared enough to read my woes and support me. But one or two of the few comments I was able to read 5 or 6 weeks ago sounded harsh and accusatory. Those comments made me feel as if I was a moron who deserved to be cheated on for loving a man who cheated on me, and that I was unlikely to get help unless it was in a survival of the fittest manner. I'm sensitive, what can I say?

I don't want Out of Kilter or anyone else to feel that they're stupid for trying to get help. And I also want people to know that there are other reasons than being a troll or a fake that someone would show up, ask for help, then disappear off the face of the earth.

Cheers,

Caul

Glad you're back, Caulestra! Thanks for the explanation.

I know nothing about trolls, but there was so much pathos in outofkilter's posts. I got really upset.

Call me naive, but I am astonished to learn that a husband might even want SF in a form that is distasteful to his wife, much less insist on it.

How can SF possibly be, well, fulfilling if one of the (hopefully) two parties involved is repelled for any reason. That's just gross.

I don't think engaging in SF that the W finds distasteful is part of just compensation. I didn't even understand the argument -- like it was written in Greek -- and I can argue about almost ANYTHING.

The differences between men and women never cease to surprise me.

seeking balance, I do not think this is a man/woman thing. I believe it is a bitterness thing. Plain and simple.

Agree..

A new very controversial member with an extremely "over the top" situation? Thread immediately arouses your suspicions and makes you go "Hmmmm? "

PLEASE Notify your moderators! We WILL look into it! Don't attack or label the poster. You can notify the moderators of any post by clicking on the "NOTIFY" icon on the bottom of the post or by clicking on the moderators name located at the bottom of every forum page.

We have a former member that threatened to return to the forums under aka's and disrupt by posting controversial topics. A very sick person's idea of fun. Are these posts as a result of that member? I don't know and it doesn't really matter because SOMEONE has learned something.

Even if the poster/situation is fake, a story meant to create a ruckus on the forum, please don't feel as though you have wasted your time posting. For every fake story, someone, somewhere can identify with some part of it and benefit from the advice & suggestions.

I wasn't astonished, because I know there are people who feel that way. But I don't and can't empathize. In fact, I don't think it's been mentioned, yet, but I would bet anything that this man would not feel those desires if he'd quit using PORN!!!

I haven't used porn in ten years, and before that my tastes were very conventional; I wasn't interested in shocking new novelties and never developed an interest in the bizarre things that many men get stuck desiring. As a result, I know what it's like to simply not want that stuff, and from what I hear, most men wouldn't have those ideas if they'd stay out of porn. Furthermore, most men in marriages with genuine romantic love probably don't feel the "boredom" that allegedly prompts many men to seek to want more unusual stuff.

I saw someone here a few days ago suggesting that it was only natural for a man to look at porn to get ideas for a married sexual life, and I just about died. What a horrible thought, and what a great way to help an already discontent man become even more discontent with his bride!

Justuss,

Very well said. I was one of those who questioned whether this poster was real, but as I usually do I gave the benefit of the doubt. I think anytime you come on the Internet you are taking a risk in a way because you don't see the person, know him or her, or can even feel anyway assured that the story is true. And yes, it is easy to quickly judge. By God, just look at the crap in the media about Brett Favre.

I was a crisis intervention counselor back in the 80's, and believe me, even tho I sort of sensed that maybe someone's story was not legit, I did not err on the side of judging if there was a threat of violence or suicide.

As Markos said, it is easy to judge, but we are not in that postion.

I also hope this poster will return, if that is what she wishes. If she doesn't, then I can only say a few prayers that she has found help.

Tom

Well, I was away from my computer for awhile because my daughter was sick, then I read some of these responses and it makes me sad. It bothers me to be occused of being fake, or to be accused of lieing... especially when some of the accusations I've already admitted to.
But then again, maybe I haven't done a good job explaining things. Let me try again.

We've been married for 10 years.
My A was 2 years, but I was caught at the end of 1 year.
At first, YES I did TT and I did lie and I WAS a terrible person back then. YES I WAS.
The A ended for good including all contact 3 years ago.
My H started wanting details about 2.5 years ago, and I gave him the whole truth.

I KNOW that it doesn't make me a saint that I told the truth. I get that.

As far as the sex, I thought about this a lot, and I've decided I'm not going to share anything more about what I won't do. It's personal, my H would be angry if he found that I posted about it, etc..

My H I think has just about written the M off outside of tolerating me. I know that he does not want to D, matter what... we do not fight around our child, he is a fantastic Father and he believes staying together is best for our child. I WANT A REAL MARRIAGE, THOUGH!

It's really hard for me to explain things... my H has told me that he considers it a slap in the face that I won't do these sexual things, and that he doesn't care what it costs... that he will not let me 'beat' him and that I will 'lose'. I really don't understand him! But I will say that some of the things that people are ascribing to him are wrong wrong wrong!

Outofkilter, for what it's worth, I do not think you are a troll.

Have you considered doing phone counseling with the Harley's? I know this was suggested to you before, but I think it is something you should seriously consider. This is no way to live and no one should have to endure this type of abuse, former wayward or not.

**edit**

Bubbles, I said this before - it doesn't matter what it is.

ook, please do not share that with us! Not because of TMI, but because the act(s) may seem tame to some posters, off the charts uninhibited to others, and some posters may frame their responses based on their own perception of those acts. It's not fair to YOU for us to know.

I'm glad you're back.

For the record I think the issue goes way beyond sexual practices. WS invest EFFORT in all facets of their relationship with OP yet can then starve their BS of them once they return to the marriage.

For Example my Squid was very affectionate with OM, but she is much much less affectionate to me. It is hard to not consider this to be a value judgment. I would advise any WS earning their F that they should consider making sure their BS feels like the first prize, not some unworthy consolation prize in recovery.

**EDIT***