Right now I'm in Plan A.

I've done exposure. It worked pretty good.

I've stopped talking about the Affair first and foremost.

The problem for me is that WW is friends with OM Mother. In speaking with WW on the phone today WW stated that doesn't care about OM and OM wife's relationship. But then goes on to describe how she talks to OM Mother and knows what is going on between OM and OM Wife. She is passing information to OM Mother which gets to OM and he is using it to create further conflict with his wife. (This is my fault). She is also getting information about the state of OM relationship.

It's crazy! On the one hand she says I don't care about OM and Om Wife. But then she goes on to talk about the OM and OM Wife.

I am not Love Busting on this. I need her to have full LOVE BANK.

My question is what do I do?

Should I let all this wayward talk continue?

Is there someway to contextualize this for WW in such a way that it doesn't create a Love Buster.

It almost seems like a test that she is putting me through.

This is a no-contact violation. Your WW needs to sever the relationship with OM's mother, because it is a proven back-channel to keep her plugged into OM's life, however tenuously or second-hand. That is a relationship which contributes nothing positive toward your marriage.

It is not love-busting to calmly explain to your WW that her continuing contact with OM's family is causing you great pain & taking her focus off the restoration of her marriage to you, and that because you love her & want your marriage to be restored above all other priorities, you need for her relationship & her ongoing contact with OM's family to end completely.

What she does with this information, after you explain it to her, is up to her.

Some more pertinent information.

She is in denial that she is having an emotional affair with OM. I keep getting that they are 'Just Friends'. Therefore she looks at mentioning anything about OM on my part as accusations. And she goes totally defensive. IOW, if I try to mention the dichotomy of her statements. "Don't care.", but "I know what is going on" then we start off into Love Busting.

I really need to know how to use the the "stick" of Plan A.

Are you snooping? Do you know for sure that this is only an EA?(Shudder at the word ONLY).

You need to know what you are dealing with here in its entirety.

The relationship with OM's mom is going to need to be severed.

You exposed this affair, did you expose on OM's side as well, including his mother? What evidence did you have? I am only wondering what people would believe and if you may need more evidence to re-expose?

How does your WW know OM? Do they work together? If they do, this needs to stop.

You also need to tell your WW that you will not accept a marriage where your wife is having an affair, emotional or otherwise. That to properly recover, you need to have her cooperation in creating an affairproof marriage.

How old are you both? Is this the first marriage for both of you? Do you have any children together?

Have you read SAA? What about this thread? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Anything that your W does hidden from you , or against your will is evidence of this being an affair.

OM mother needs to grow up. Can you contact her and ask for her support ?

Want2b, what is your evidence that an EA is occurring?

oil - Who knows if EA or PA does it matter? Tried to hide that they would be hanging out when I wasn't around. Over time it dribbled out that they were 'just friends', its like they've known each other forever, they can talk about things that they could never tell anyone else. When OM went away on trip she mentioned to me that she missed him. There has been opportunity for PA. Right now is not my focus EA or PA.

scotty - yes have been reading and reading (btw, want2bbuyer not my original posting name she is now checking my original post name). Snooping found that she has been deleting activity log for OM. Found one txt that she missed him. No e-mail activity. I'm pretty computer savvy have all passwords and program that logs new passwords.

Focus for me is, Plan A, to stop LB and fill the $LB$.

Concerning implementation of stick, I've been trying to do 'charging neutral'. Anybody know if these is really effective? It's too soon to get any feedback yet on this technique.

Needed a laugh so came up with this:

Hopefully WW is looking at what she is eating. LOL!

My Plan A cake:

plan a cake by want2bbuyer, on Flickr

And OMs wayward cake:

oms cake by want2bbuyer, on Flickr

Hello,

I think you have missed something here. If there is an affair, then the focus should be on killing it. Recovery and filling the Love Bank can start after the affair ends.

To whom did you expose - you didn't answer that question?
Do you have a keylogger in place?

I think "Charging neutral" technique is not MB way to approach your problems (I have read dr Huizengas materials, you probably got the idea from there?).

MB way is plan A and plan B. Plan A is being the best spouse to the marriage and the worst enemy to the affair. Plan B is removing yourself from the crazy situation.

As being the worst enemy to the affair, the sharpest weapon is exposure but you must do it in a right way.

First, get to yourself solid evidence. Keylogger will help you.

Second, expose, and expose big. That means

- expose without warning either WW or OM
- exposure must be done during shortest time possible
- the message should be fact based: "My WW has an affair with OM. Evidence is here. Please help me restore my family."

If you warn WW or OM, then they will preempt your story, if you dribble it out for days, it will lose the effect.


Be strong.

Hope is not a plan, Buyer. You cannot outromance the OM, sorry.

Can you re-read this post and answer at least some of the basic questions I had in there? These are questions that need to be answered so we can help you more effectively.

recon -

A. Exposure is for external pressure to be applied to Affair.

B. If Exposure is not enough to establish NC, then Plan A is to let WS cake eat and build the $LB$.

C. If Plan A does not establish NC, then when $LB$ starts to get LBed then Plan B.

D. If NC is not established, Then go to Plan D.

Only once NC is established can then We work on Recovery.



Did I miss anything?

Let me try to more generalize the question.

What techniques to utilize to implement the "Stick of Plan A"?

Hello again.

Could you please answer Scotland's questions first?