Hitch,



It is good that you were able to talk. There is some valuable information for you, I guess. But something has to be kept in mind. It is easy but sometimes confusing to link the affair and the problems blamed for the affair. Sometimes the decision that we have problems is made AFTER the affair. I can surely say that some "problems" in my marriage before it started to go downhill were my own invention...


You are definitely on a road to somewhere. It is your decision whether you want to stay to Plan A or move to dark Plan B.

I think that your situation is somewhat more difficult, because during the time he deals with your A, the undeniable fact is also that at the same time your H is having an affair himself. That is why you feel stuck, I think.

Have you thought of exposing his affair(s) to people? If you want to save your marriage, you need to expose his affair to OW family, husband, boyfriend, co-workers, etc.

Somedays hitch it is overwhelming emotionally. Just take one day at a time. You are not a failure, your moving forward a bit at a time girl.

Hang in there. will talk at ya when I can. Busy couple days for me too

[quot=Hitch2007]that him seeing OW was him just trying to build his broken heart back together again�.[/quote]

Excuse me.... I think I need to

Hitch, let's go back to core values and boundaries. If your core values are honesty, integrity, respect and self care, why are you completely, utterly, totally failing to erect a boundary against his violations of those core values?

Boundaries are not just about what you do. They are also about what you tolerate from others.

IMO, at this point you need to mentally table your A. When he starts talking about it, put it down to fogbabble. It's keeping you from focusing on the most immediate direct threat to your M which is his relationships with OW.

Work the steps. Gather information, expose, require NC, write the letter, Plan A, Plan B, EP's firmly in place. I know I have those out of order but you get my drift.

Get out that line drawing stick you thought got broken by your A and start drawing some serious lines. No messing about or hand wringing or believing any more nonsense about how he needs OW to heal his broken heart or taking responsibility for HIS repeated decisions to seek out OW. Doesn't matter what you did. You could have had A's with all of Parliament, both male and female. Doesn't make his conduct any less atrocious.

There wasn't anything special about your A that made it somehow justifiable or defensible any more than there was something special about my A.

The same holds true for your H.

An A is an A is an A. Either the A dies or the M dies. The question isn't whether something is going to die. The question is which one.

Hi All

I feel like I am a real drain on this message board, I am sorry, you BS must get really fed up.

OK here is the situation and I need help with a plan. H said yesterday he was going to move out, he stayed out last night and then when I came home from work today (what a coincidence) he went upstairs to pack a small bag and went.

Anyway, just drove past one of the OW house, and his car parked outside, who he claims is just 'a friend' what do I do now?

I am tempted to pack all his uff up and drop it round at her house.

Is this idea part of an actual PLAN?

Or is it reactive to the FEELING of the moment?

If it is part of an actual PLAN, great.

If it's a reaction to a FEELING, don't.

The only PLAN I know of that it could be part of is PLAN B. ARE YOU READY??? Or should you maybe take a day or so and actually formulate a PLAN on how you are going to implement your PLAN.

Have you ever noticed that when you use the same word over and over again it loses its meaning? Weird.

ARE YOU ACTING OR REACTING?

Action=you are in charge.

Reaction=He is in charge

I am taking action, he said he was leaving, he has lied again, he just has a good exscuse to sleep with OW again, and use our home as a hotel.

I am packingup ALL his stuff up, leaving it by the door with a Plan B letter, so he gets it when he feels like coming home tomorrow.

I have had this for 18 months now, enough is enough.

Better make copies and encase them with plastic in case he loses the letter or the dog eats it.

Agree and right on

Yup Yup Zactly.

K Hitch, time to do it gurl.

Cut it out Hitch, you have nothing to apoligize about. You were brave and honest enough to come here and humble enough to learn. Plus, we know where they keep the 2X4s around here..

I know Constant, I just feel I post an awful lot and I am soooo fed up of the situation that I feel everyone else must be too.

I have packed all his stuff up neatly in the hallway. It includes all his stuff including his office with his pc, fax and everything he will be really unhappy. I have written the Plan B letter, made me spew writing it if I am honest, but I am following the PLAN.

I am at work tomorrow so when he decides to come back from OW love nest, I will be at work. Not sure how he reacts, will be surprised if he goes without a fight. If he phones or texts while I am at work I will not answer. No contact is no contact. I have been dark for the last couple of days, he will just get a kick out of me contacting him, along with his OW.

I have some questions so I am prepared.

Should I work from home and be here when he gets back or go to office?

If I get home from work and he refuses to go, what then?

I am not sure what goes through his head. he does not like his bed getting too cold that's for sure.

Feels inappropriate but that made me chuckle!!

Can't believe he has gone round to OW, he said he was going to leave on Sunday and waited till I was home tonight to pack a small bag with a toothbrush and a t shirt. I don't get him, I try to mAke things work, he isn't interested doesn't want to go but goes straight round to OW. Ahhhh don't get it.

Can you have a family member at the house when he comes to pick stuff up?

You are going to need an intermediary.

Anyone in mind?

Don't think. Just do. Your feelings will lead you in the exact wrong direction.

Remember withdrawal? Not that much fun. Rwmember it does end, but it can't end until it begins. And it doesn't begin until NC.

And I second CP on the "I post too much". Stop being a ninny.

And call SteveH. Am sure he will have some great tools to help you get through this.

I don't know why I think it is funny that you can't recognize foggy when you see it! Your H is wayward. The words "I can't believe he..." should be out of your vocabulary.

Have you ever read any of those threads on stuff waywards say? They are hilarious. Hunt one If those threads down and have a laugh.

That's stressed me about having someone here, I think that will wind him up even more. Maybe I should just go off to work??

Need more guidance on this please.

It's not nice going to sleep knowing he is in bed with her.

So what?

Consequences for infidelity suck. Did you fail to notice that?

Besides, you not making your decisions based upon how he is going to react.

You are making your decisions based upon your core values and boundaries.

I'm no Plan B expert -- I'm not anything expert as a matter of fact -- so I don't know about how the transfer of his stuff might best be handled. You might look at Scotland's thread -- she is the Plan B Queen.

If you were my daughter, I would not want you there, but I would want to be there myself to ensure that moving out process was conducted in an orderly fashion. I also think it should be a one shot deal -- as in go in, get his stuff, and leave. He's going to "forget" a whole bunch of stuff -- that CD he left in his bottom drawer will at some point become mighty important to him and that's why I say you need an intermediary.

And you need to be solid as a rock. Let me tell you something I've learned from raising teenagers. Start out as you mean to end. They will see and exploit even the tiniest deviation from whatever rule you have set. I don't have a lot of rules, but they are Rules.

Plan B means -- all together now MB forum -- NO contact.

You can do this.

Thanks seeking I think you may be right, he will simply ignore it if I am not here. I can can call my sister up she will cone over in the morning, I have told her what's going on.

I am feeling strong, I cried earlier when I came back from running I was hoping he would stay and want to sort things, dumb I know. I know plan b is my only option right now.

Thanks seeking and constant for your support this evening, it's so good to know you can reach out and someone can help you.

Hitch

Hi Hitch,

And Constant, no, I do not believe it is just overwhelming emotionally for Hitch, so disagree, as to imply the ups and downs of a Plan A.

Hitch, I am honestly feeling sad for you tonight and your situation. I think your H has made it impossible for you to recover your M at this point.

I don't think I can say anything else except that my wife would not have tolerated me going to an OW, and not at the very least trying to communicate with her in terms of the problem. I have never done that - involved with an OW, but that is how she would have reacted. From your discussion, when you two were talking on the bed, this sort of reveals to me that your H has a deep resentment of your A, and he is going to have to get some counseling to get beyond this, in addition to using his intestinal fortitude and his value of you. He is nowhere near that now.

Hitch, I would not even consider being there when he picks his cases up that you set out. You have been beaten down so many times by this guy, that I would leave him to himself, and that is what my wife would have done. I know you think this is easy to say, and it is, but by God you need to look out for you.

I really think there is too much so called 'psychoanalysis' going on here by a few of the posters, and that is stalling you in this situation. My wife would have simply slapped my face with your H's reaction the other night. SHe is a gorgeous and stong-willed redhead, and she always will be.

The bottom line, it is Your decision to proceed as you wish. I will continue to pray for you and your H. You deserve some peace in your life at this moment.

Please take care,

Tom

Ditto