I have spend a considerable amount of time reading through posts from people who share the same agonizing pain as I do, and wanted to pose a question to everyone.

I have been married for 10 years and about 7 months ago found out my wife was cheating on me with another man. Terrifying feeling, not sure words can truly describe what I feel or have been going through these last 7 months. Although I am sure a lot of you can relate.

Although WW immediately ended the affair when I found out, my mind is still being hijacked multiple times a day by thoughts of her with this other man. Also, I question how someone who is supposed to love me would even conceive of doing such a horrid act. She says the OM gave her a lot of attention at work and became a PA as she did not want to lose the attention. Truth be told, we were going through a rough patch and were not paying much attention to each other. Although she said it was a PA, they never had intercourse. Not to get graffic, but she admits to oral sex four times without a climax. She says 'it never got to that point'. Perhaps the reason I am having such a tough time getting past this is because I feel she is not being honest (how does she expect me to believe that?). When we initially spoke about what happened, she was able to speak about it, but it is almost taboo now for me to bring it up. She says I need to move on to build up my trust for her again.

When I first found out, I moved out of the house and stayed with my parents for about two weeks. She called me relentlessly to come back and be with her and our daughter. I eventually went back, and began to re-build our relationship.

I must say, since the affair, she has made a 180 degree turn. She requested a transfer at work to a new location where the OM would not be (he doesn;t drive). She calls me constantly throughout the day, sex is constant, and she has been more affectionate in the last 7 months than since before we married. She has truly been making an effort. Now she says she wants another child.

I guess when I decided to give this a second shot, I could have only hoped for her efforts to have been what they ended up being. However, as time went on, and time allowed me to dissect all the details of what I am told happened (still feel like I am in a nightmare), I cannot help but feel I am wasting my time. I am still relatively young (late thirties) and have a chance at starting a new life. I feel that if I continue to work things out, and have another child, I am setting myself up for disaster. I am mortified at the idea of this happening again and having to start all over 15 years from now.

The realist inside of me tells me that if someone could do such a horrific act to their H, and multiple times, they obviously were not feeling guilt or remorse. Had she have been drunk, and this occured once, and she told me instead of me finding out, I may be in a different state of mind.

If someone could be so cruel to their H, their child, and risk loosing everything over a selfish act, how could they ever betrusted again? If they did it once, they have it in them to do it again. Isn;t one better off cutting their loses, moving on, and place their efforts into finding a new W who would not be as evil? Someone who would be fair enough to end the relationship, or ask to seek counseling, should they feel they have reach the end? I constantly ask myself why I would be wasting time with someone so selfish, so self centered, that they would even allow their child to suffer for their own enjoyment.

Do not have any more children until you feel safe.

Did WW send a NC letter?

Has the OMW been told?

OM and WW must have NC so WW is going to have to give up her job.

If you feel that WW is not teeling the truth schedule a polygraph test. Once a WW hears test the night before she has to go they usually spill the beans.

No, she did not send a NC letter. She confronted him and said that I found out, and the A is over. The OM does not have anyone else, but supposedly is is worried about loosing his job so he stays away.

Funny enough, we actually had a polygraph and it showed she was lying. She was hysterical during the test, so the guy said there is a possibility she could have swayed the results because she was mortified. This is the point when I left the house and stayed at my parents. She went to another polygraph tester on her own and re-took the test (supposedly by a certified tester - which I checked the website and verified) and she provided me with the results which said she was telling the truth. Obviously one is inaccurate. So I wasn;t sure if I would/should base my future on a machine that is not proven. Also,the first polygrapher made a great point... He asked whether it mattered ifthe OM climaxed, it was still a sexual act and the purpose was to climax. Also, whether it was oral or vaginal, they still had sex.

Hi painful, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

Yes, your marriage is very recoverable so I would not give up hope. The biggest impediment to your recovery right now is your wife's refusal to tell you the truth. As long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy, there will no recovery. It will be impossible to regain any semblance of trust. I would explain to your wife that it is more painful to not know than it is to know, and you can't get past this until she is forthcoming.

I would print this letter up and hand it to her: Joseph's letter

Another suggestion is to ask her to take a polygraph. That may sound far fetched but we had many marriages brought into the realm of recovery via a polygraph. Either it brought the truth out or it assured a concerned betrayed spouse. It can be a very valuable tool.

Other than that, I don't know how a marriage can recover without honesty.

I would strongly suggest you don't have a child until your marriage recovers from this affair, and that will take at least 2 years.

If you can get to the point where you believe her story, this is what it will take to recover your marriage:

I agree that sex is sex.

Do you know for a fact that the OM is unmarried? Is there any chance at all that they will see each other at work?

Oh no. Trust is not an entitlement. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. Less trust is what will protect your marriage. If you have less trust, then you are more likely to be more careful with your marriage and see the signs sooner.

I would make it clear to your wife that you do not trust her as it is inappropriate.

Dr Harley addresses it here:

Coping With Infidelity

Another good excerpt:

from Coping with Infidelity

Thanks MelodyLane for the info and comments!

Since D-Day, they have crossed paths a few times at work and she has come clean about it. She swears they did not speak and she would 'not risk her family' to do this again. There is a slight chance they cross paths again, although she transferred to another building.

Yes, he is unmarried and I know it for a fact. He was seeing another woman for a while, but they are no longer dating and he is single (also confirmed via FB)

That arrangement is not going to work. No contact means NO CONTACT. It's going to almost impossible for you to regain your trust in her if such an arrangement continues.

I hope you understand what a huge problem this is. Every time she sees him, she is put to day 1 of withdrawal. Seeing her OM brings back what we call the "fog" and while in the fog it is very likely she will eventually resume the affair.

So, it doesn't matter that she tells you, but that she is triggered every time she sees him. I don't know of any marriages that recovered while the WS still sees the OP at work, but I do know of NUMEROUS affairs that rekindled this way.

If there is even the slightest chance she will see him at work, I would get her out of there. Even once a month is enough to ruin your recovery. And I suspect she knows this. Most WS's who are sincere about recovery know instinctively they cannot work at the same place. Even occasional sightings will put her in a perpetual state of withdrawal.

Does she email him? See him on facebook? Anywhere?

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...


Lifechoice [former WW] post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION here
Quote:
He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE.


I can certainly attest to this. My situation is a prime example of what not to do. I kept myself stuck in withdrawal for over 2 years because I continued to work with my FOM. In these 2 years I had no desire to get back into the A, I just couldn't break free of my addiction.

After I ended the A I learned about the addiction part of it and agreed it was a huge part of it. The scary part of the addiction is during the 2 years FOM and I worked together I didn't even realize how much I was still addicted to him. We did our best to remain professional, but the addiction was still there and kept me very stuck. I couldn't get over certain aspects of the A, but couldn't figure out why. (duh). I thought I had a good handle on it, but in all reality I didn't. It wasn't until after FOM left our employer and moved out of town that I finally could get through withdrawal. I should also add it was this bad for me and I only worked about 6 days a month. I can only imagine it would be much worse for someone who works with the AP on a full-time basis.

Now every time I read where AP's are still working together I just cringe. I wasted 2 years of my time in withdrawal and at the same time for one of the years trying to rebuild my marriage. Talk about a lot of mental anguish and conflict.

My advice to everyone from a BTDT POV, a WS needs to get as far away from the AP as they can.

LC

Certainly comforting words. I hope it is true, thank you!

But my question still remains. If someone could be so evil as to commit this act of treason to their own H and child, is it conceivable to think they wouldn;t do it again? This is pure selfishness, self centered person. Isn;t this a personality trait? Isn;t someone in this position just upset they got caught? D-Day did not make her regret her acts, but just brought them to an end. Not sure I could live the rest of my life next to a person who never truly cared about what hell her actions would bring upon her family.

I have thought about this and asked her to quit. We need the income and the economy is really tough where we live. She looks for another position for a week, then stops the search. I agree, she must leave. Although I am not a fan of ultimatums, this may be the only way.

painful, there are alot of people who learn from their mistakes and never do it again. Many of us here have been in recovered marriages for years using these concepts. There is nothing different about your situation other than the fact that your W still sees the OM at work. [that is an affair waiting to happen]

The solution is to affair proof your marriage and to restore the love in the marriage. She got into an affair because she befriended a man at work when she was having problems with her marriage. She has to stop risky behavior that involves opposite sex frienships.

Thank you for pasting this info.

I agree with you about the work situation.Also, I guess I wouldn;t be here if I didn;t love her as it wouldn;t hurt this much. That said, I just have to figure out how not to let my hate for what she did, interfere with the recovery. It is just extremely difficult to try and re-build a loving relationship with someone who would knowingly hurt me. Even if it was a mistake, she had to know what she was doing and the possible effects it would have. I am trying to get past the idea that I should re-start with someone who would not do such a thing...

Melody, I truly appreciate all your help.

painful, we know exactly what you are feeling! But I promise you if you if try this program you will replace that resentment with a good marriage. We know how very difficult it is, but it is much harder to get divorced. By trying this, you can come out with a great marriage.

Please get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair. It explains the dynamics of an affair and gives you a very effective plan of recovery. One of the fastest, most effective ways to rebuild the love in your marriage is to spend 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfilment. That will do the most the fastest for your marriage.

You will do fine, painful, so don't give up hope!

You are in a pretty good spot with your WW compared to most BH's. It sounds like she wants to reengage with the marriage. However, a few months does not a recovery make. There are a few things that are raising pretty big red flags for me:

1. She still comes in contact with the OM at work. Get him out of her life once and for all and your chances of recovery are much better.

2. The OM is single and does not drive. This means that he is at least somewhat dependent. This makes for a dangerous combination especially if your WW makes more money than the OM. In my sitch, the POSOM had NOTHING TO LOSE to seduce my exWW into a marriage destroying affair. If exWW had turned down his advances, he was still homeless and unemployed. If she gave in, he had a place to live and someone to support him.

3. Her wanting to have another child so soon. If after two years or so things are still good, then discuss having a child. For the next two years, you two need to focus on each other to rebuild and a pregnancy / infant / toddler would put a pretty huge crimp on that.

As for the schemantics of oral vs intercourse, it doesn't matter. It is still sex and adultry because you would never do that sort of thing if your spouse was there. Pehaps see a counselor to help you deal with the mind movies. Trust me, they stay in your mind for a long time.