Hitch,

good work. Please change the locks of the house, so he can't march in any time he pleases or feels down. Intermediary is necessary, this person should be someone you trust and she helps to sort out what information is absolutely necessary to pass to you from him, so you won't be contacted with crap. Intermediary in place helps your H get the seriousness of your mind and the situation.

This is going to be hard times for you, in times it is also very tempting to just hear his voice, and with the snap of the finger you are back in contact with him. Like seeking said, seek help from other board members like Scotland, I'm more than certain she has some valuable input and tips for you to survive the time.

Stay strong, you are wonderful!

Ok Hitch, I see you have looked at the link and thought about all the possible reasons why and the behavioral science of it all.

When I first read the link and a alot of the articles on it I was overwhelmed with all the info. Yeah my late wife acted like a BPD at times, but the key word is acted. Anyone who has studied Pscyology at school or has lived long enough can see that all of us have thought the same way or have the potential to. That fact keeps us in line and humbles us to protect our own thoughts and intentions of our hearts..and our actions.

Someone here has that quote in thier sig line. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, its a duck, feed it crackers or let the duck explain" Its simple really, act your age. You are judged by what you do and it better match what you say or someone is lieing to someone. Talk is cheap. Put your money where your mouth is. ..All those sayings prompt us to put up or shut up and accually do the things that bring about change and show we care. The rest is really worthless unless your selling something.

In this world we use lauguage to communicate concepts and ideas that are supposed to work for us. Launguage is also used to hurt, confuse, and manipulate people for selfish means. What we accually DO is many times overlooked and many good people who do the important work nessesary for us all to live well are overlooked. Ms. Schrieber uses garbage men as an example, I can think of countless others who don't have to figure it out, speculate on the outcome and cost, or compare themselves to others to know the worth of just just doing what they should. They are the backbone of society. They don't need our gratitude but they deserve it the most, like soldiers.

When someone comes here they are ussually in pain and confused. They want to figure it out. Well there are reasons and there are excuses and we all try to jump in and sort out the differences with them. We can indentify sometimes and are learning from others also as we communicate with them and they learn they are not alone and there is a way to clear up the problems.

I believe there are no reasons that justify why we treat each other without respect and caring, just excuses. Many have heard or used them before so they bring back into the light some clarity for the poster via 2X4s and consistent reminders they are no different inside than we are.

We all need love, people who do not love us must be separated from us, and then we must learn to depend on whatever spirtual authority we have to rise above and learn to love ourselves.

Thats an authority in my book, its beyond me to see my own worth. I have to act like it is not what I think about myself but that I really will probably judge myself so harshly that I won't be effectual in any relationship. I'll either be needy because I am so afraid of my own humanity and making a mistake, or so proud and stubborn when I act out of my emotions that I will selfishly hurt people. They both will breed insecurity. For me to have that authority in my own life that brings in security that someone else can lean on I must submit to the nature of the authority of love and learn what love is. To me thats my God as I understand Him. I must trust him more than myself, then in my weakness he makes me strong, because I let him. I would die to protect my family if i had to, he died for me. Thats love in my book. In that I know I am valuable, not because I think or have judged myself by myself.


At some point we all must do something for change, or thier will be none, good or bad. Your a winner because you seek it here and are not hiding like many do in the dark. This sight will support you in the actions that protect you and your WH. We all understand the pain and confusion that you are in, both of your own doing and WHs, and will help you on the road to recovery. But the beauty of MB is that it works when and becuase you DO it. Thats the simplicity and there really is no magic to it. The talk and reasoning is aimed at the hope people will accually take action.

It takes two to have an awesome marraige, and until WH humbles himself enough to see that fact, you will have to be the strong and better person, no excuses, follow the plan, take no prisoners and fight for what your marriage should be.

On that sight you can find a lot of info on why people act the way they do. It doesn't matter how they got there but what they do and act like to change it. Thats why I pointed it to you, because you are trying to figure it out. Who cares, once you know what you want and how to get it its up to you to take the actions that bring you there. No appoligies for that Hitch are nessesary or anybodys business. The past is gone and you are repentant. If your H wants to keep bringing it up, his loss.


So its Plan B? Awesome! My crystal ball says if you go dark he will try to get you back somehow. I don't know if it will be by pleading and crying with a halfhearted recovery commitment or try to wear you down through embarrassment and browbeating, but he wants to keep you and likes the taste of the cake he can get.

Don't break and have a false recovery, issues will be clouded and the commitments will be weak. Its experienced and mature Dr H and the program and following his authority on it. This is something you should study about before you agree to get back with him, no matter what. Have you?

Your worth much more Hitch, learn it and live it and stand for the healthy boudaries you have now. protect your heart and stay real dark, get IMs for everything, make sure you have proof of his affairs via emails and printed texts. Have someone present if you have to see him. Even have a good friend,(not a skanky one like the girl you talked with), stay with you until you know he isn't gonna come over and just waltz in. Do you have any frinds that are couples that can hang around? Brothers local?

Tell him he needs to get seriuos if he wants to be with you, you have good friends that are supporting you, and will him also if he can ever see he needs it too.

Hi All

I would just like to say a huge thank you to Nittse, Constant, Tom and Seeking for your support over the last 24 hours. It really means a lot and it kept me grounded. After I went round to OW house, and saw his truck there, I managed to keep calm and not react.

I had an OK sleep last night, I took a small sleeping tablet. I need to really look after myself well now if I am going to get through this.

I left the house at 0800 this morning with all his stuff packed up with the Plan B letter in the hallway. I had packed all of his home office equipment too, which he will be mad about. DH must have got home about 11am, as he did not stop calling my work and personal phone for the next hour. He did not leave a message. Needless to say I did not answer any of his calls.

I am doing OK, but feel devastated it has come to this and we did not manage to sort things out. I am busy at work today, which is good although I am finding it difficult to concentrate.

I am confident I have made the right decision moving to Plan B. Looking back, it was never going to work, he was still in contact with OW, lying to me all the time, continuing IB, not a man who was trying to make things work, as far as I can see a man who was trying to block my every attempt. The only thing I don't understand, if he didn't want me, then why did he not just go? Did he not see how much I was suffering. I guess I will never know the answer to that one.

I do love this man very much, but cannot allow him to cross my boundaries continuosly. I am feeling strong, and hope I can keep it up.

Not looking forward to going home tonight, either to an empty house or my H if he has not gone.



Your right Tom, it was better for me not to be there. I don't have to put up with his foggy words any longer.

Yes Plan B, not sure how we will react, he has been pretty adamant now for 6 months that its not going to work, so I have little faith in him coming back commited to making a full recovery.

I am very heartbroken, and the weird thing is, I thought he would be part of my life always, and I am not sure how I am ever going to get over that.

The weird thing is, whilst this is going on, I am worried about HIM, I just hope he doesn't do anything silly.

Hitch,

I saw your post in Scottie's thread. I bumped up Mimi's Plan B story for you. Its titled "MY GIFT TO YOU...PLEASE LISTEN".....it IS a gift, hopefully you will get some hope and encouragement out of a former Plan Ber....

{{{{{Hitch}}}}}}

Not2fun

Been there, most of the BSs have. It would be hard for us and selfish not to. You will have a time of withdrawl Hitch, but you will get thru it because you have to, not cause it will feel good.

Just remember That if you cave to your emotions and lets him back in romantically before he has met your demands for recovery, you will reset your marriage recovery plans to zero, and make recovery even less probable. So you will be working against your own recovery also and sabotaging yourself. We aren't gonna do that anymore right? You know, put the oxygen mask on yourself first allways.

Remember that oxygen for you is the thoughts,actions and behavior that will bring about change. If H wants to join he will have to prove it before he gets into your inner circle again. Emotions were meant to be the apprecators of the reality we live in, happy or sad they react. Its up to us to reason, take accoutability, and change what we have control of to make our lives and those we care about better, then the emotions come in line with how we act and the situations we live in. The emotions don't make them, desicions and actions do.

If you ever feel like breaking Plan B come here and cry and post and vent. You will soon gain more strength as you accually see you will get through this and you will be better for it. The fear of lonliness is parylyzing to many betrayed and they stay in bad situations because of it. You know now you are not alone and we are thinking of you.


Thats it for now, gonna go watch my grandaughter and visit my freind to talk about plans on rebuilding an Audi trans and a Jetta VR6, (for you auto buffs, personnaly they are just names to drop, to me they are just pieces of machinery, impressivly engineered and quaility but just vehicles,) Will check in tonight when I get back home. Have a great day at work.

Have a friend or your 6'4" brother come home with you this evening? Just for your security and peace of mind.

Awful, as the day goes on the anxiety is getting worse. I need to get out of my office so I can cry I am really holding it back.

I am frightened about going home, but most of all I am terrified that I am going to lose my H. I don't want him to go, this is hideous.

You can stop being terrified about this. He is already lost. The alien has taken over.

Think back my friend....remember EXACTLY how rationale your decision making was during your A?


You are frightened that you don't have the strength to do this.

You do.

Don't go home if you think it's going to be too much. Go stay at your parents or a friend's for a few days and have someone else supervise changing the locks and grabbing a bag for you.

Remember my college story? Drag your mattress somewhere where you will get support through the white knuckle stage. During one of my first efforts at NC, I drove to a friend's house, handed her my cell phone and told her under no circumstances to let me near a computer or cell phone for 24 hours. I honestly don't know that I would ever have been able to do it without the support of this board.

Hitch, I have one other thought I want to bring up. I have this feeling that you were less than forthcoming with us about the extent of your H's involvement with OW out of a misguided need to protect him from the judgement of this board.

I had the distinct impression that your H's relationships with OW were limited to inappropriate flirtation. If I had known he was involved with OW to the degree that he went directly to her house after leaving you, I would have immediately recommended that you take the standard steps to end the A.

My perception may be totally wrong or you may have been as surprised as I was at the extent of his involvement.

But if my perception is right, try not to do that. We can help you best if we have all the facts.

I'm interested if the other posters following this thread have the same perception I do.

I want your H to grow up because I want you to have a great M. I've raised three teenagers -- I know one when I see one. But I have no interest in bashing him for the sake of bashing him, and I don't think anyone else here does either. You love him -- good enough for me.

You can do this.

I am home he has only taken his computer equipment. The rest of his stuff is here. I am relieved he has gone and I can get on in peace. He has no interest in rebuilding this M.

As for the OW he dated her for awhile after I moved out last year. He broke off with her when we got back together. He said that she was a nightmare and she would not leave him alone. That she was on anti depressants and had middle child syndrome. She is a mum of 2 recently split up from her H going through a divorce. When he found out about my A in March, he started going out with a different woman so I have presumed that if he liked her enough he would have got back with her. It's all just lies. He was cheating on her at the time with OW from the golf club.

Going to a friends for dinner.

I don't even want to torture myself knowing that is where he has gone. He probably thinks I am just reacting to me seeing his truck at her place.

Thank god I can have some peace now. I don't know why he has only taken his computer stuff none of his clothes ect..... He will probably come back for them at the weekend.

Hitch

I'm very proud of you. Me and my H talked about you (he has also read your thread) and we came to a conclusion that your H just used you. IF he had been geniously heartbroken he would have KNOWN what it feels to be betrayed and he had not used OW as a "healing to his broken heart", but come around. I hope I'm wrong here, we always wish to be wrong about our worst instincts.

Read-read-read about how to ensure your Plan B, here in the forum, and also if needed contact Harleys, and their radio shows are very inspiring also. I burned them to CD and listened to them on my drive to work, very good stuff. I also recommend to get yourself some treatment, just to get yourself some rest - find some good friends to go to movies or theatre shows, anything that will somehow relax your mind, something you like to do. Try to keep up your normal daily activities, don't forget to eat properly, and try to sleep, if you are an excercising type, go for it. Dr Harley says it is okay - as this is very draining situation - to get some antidepressants if you need them.

And when you feel like venting, come here and let it out, people are here for you.

You are in my thoughts


Seeking, you are so right here. I come from the marriage where me and my H both had affairs (well, I'm still in this marriage, but with no affairs anymore), SO, it is confusing and no matter how much I understand my own situation, I always try to keep things separate, and concentrate on single acts, and I saw Hitch's affair as a single act and decision (which it is, still is), but I wasn't quite prepared that his H was using her affair to justify his... Him going straight to OW's house is just another proof. Hitch, I'm so very sorry you have to go through this.

Hitch, if you ever wonder why he didn't just leave you, don't - it is the most convenient situation for a person who has an affair (or two): to have the OW (or multiple) and a wife. He may know it is wrong, but he still does it, so if it walks and talks like a duck, then it is a duck, a WAYWARD.

Because like MOST wayward, he thinks HE gets to call the shots. And come and go as he pleases......DO NOT let him do this. Plan B is on YOUR terms.



Beat him to the punch. Pack up his stuff and put it on the porch. Have your IM tell him it's there and he has 2 hrs to come and get it or Goodwill is getting it. Then follow through. Don't be home for those hours and when you do return, get rid of it........this is YOUR term.

((((((Hitch))))))

Read Mimi's story.....she was a truly, strong survivor.........

Not

You could rent a 5 by 8 storage room, in both your names, with cash...and then have friends load a truck with his stuff and move it over there this weekend. Then buy a lock and key. MAIL his key certified mail or registered mail to the OW house.

He can pay the second, third and fourth month of storage. Or he can move his stuff into the other woman's garage. He can USE her.

That way you are not still waiting for him to come get his stuff. That waiting would be like "death from 10000 cuts".

It is now not your problem anymore if he gets his clothes or chooses to wander around naked. You have stated all things in your letter and that's it. Change locks, too, dear!

Which is going to be a little tough for him to do because you will have the locks changed by then, right?

Who's the intermediary who is going to supervise getting him his stuff as you are in Plan B and there will be no contact whatsoever between the two of you, period?

The reason he didn't take the rest of his stuff is as plain as the nose on your face: He is not taking you one bit seriously. Not even a little bit.

Oh yea, just a reminder.... driving by OW's house to see if his car is there is, in fact, CONTACT. Inquiring about his welfare to friends is CONTACT. Listening to messages from him through friends is CONTACT. Listening to voicemails from him is CONTACT. Reading texts or emails is CONTACT -- that delete feature is a handy one, as is the blocking feature on email.

Stay strong. One day at a time. Sometimes it's an hour at a time.

Actually, I like Bubbles idea. That will get his attention. Just make sure someone is there with you while you do the packing as that will be a triggery situation.

Hitch,

What are you crying for? The real marriage or the marriage you imagined you could have with him? You need to figure that out. You made a terrible mistake, actually apparently you made two terrible mistakes. One, the affair, there is no debate about. The second, marrying him, there might be some debat about this one. You are seeing his mother's behavior manifested in him. You are seeing an inability to forgive in him. He has the right to never forgive you. BUT... he never had the right to have an affair or mistreat you.

You need to focus on your boundaries. You need to be the person you want to be, not the person your H demands you to be. You also need to understand he is probably hanging on not out of love for you, but because he views you as a possession that while not wanting he doesn't want anyone else to have either. If this is true, it suggests two things. One you are indeed of value to other people, and two that he is simply a man that has not matured enough to not act like a child.

The affair was your fault completely and totally. However, the state of the marriage before the affair probably played a role in the ease with which you violated your boundaries. He gets credit for the state before and after. Plus his affairs have not helped suggesting a need for punishment, but no ability to see that in punishing you he punished the marriage he said he wants to keep.

My view; stay in plan B and do NOT go back to him until and unless he is willing to go to counseling for his behavior and to address the marriage issues. I mean not only willing but actually goes to counseling. Frankly, you can do better. AND...you will do better if you solidify your boundaries and make sure you are the person you want to become.

Hang in there.

JL

There is always hope! And actually here is a couple that survived the worst of times in marriage. This blog is a true story told from a woman in a desperate situation that eventually found hope and her marriage was restored. The blog just started several days ago, but its a reflection of the past and flash forwards to the current. I guarantee you will find hope while reading this blog... Not to mention I am the actual husband in this story

Bowdaddy, quit pushing your blog.

Hitch2007,
I think you are thinking clearly right now, he has not tried to prove to you in any way that he wants to stay with you and work on your marriage, he is still in the affair fog thingy, remember that.......if he still has his OW meeting some of his needs it's easy for him to stay in between the two of you.......
Your job with Plan B is to make it perfectly clear to him that this is something you will not live with any more and if this is what he choses to do you are out and on with your life.
He needs to wake up and realize that you are gone because of what he is doing now.......you had an affair and you are trying to make up for that, it is him now destroying any shot the two of you have.......
It is not acceptable for him while he is married to you to have another woman/women in his life for any reason......
Stay away if you have to, don't answer the phone, emails.......stay dark this time and prove to him this is a not going to happen anymore.....
If he runs Hitch, let him......If he wakes up and wants to change, get some ground rules ready for him........He will need to change who he is, how he thinks and respects you and what he will do to make things right in the marriage.....
You have put up with to much so far, he is still disrespecting you and it's time to take that back for yourself.....
It will be hard, you will cry a lot, accept that, cry all you want.........but be strong with your decisions, don't let him change your mind until he has proven what he is willing to do........
good luck, post for support.......(((hugs))))