Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I've been here or posted anything. Since the last time I was here. I've divorced and got out of that crazy marriage. I found a good woman, smart, our humor is a definite match. We are the modern marriage, meaning that in this very bad economy we spend the work week in different parts of the state and see each other on the weekends. We have been married now almost two years and have a child together, now 8 months old. My only blood child. There are two stepchildren that my wife has from previous relationships. Both kids have different fathers. Oh yeah the children are a girl (12) and a boy (10). My stepdaughter and I have had our moments in the 1st yr of the marriage, but now we seem to be level off. She has a good sense of humor and that goes a long way. My stepson, well that's another story. He is the softest boy on two legs. He cried at our wedding and up til the my wife & I said I do. He didn't want us to get married. Since the marriage his attitude has gotten worse. He always needs his moms approval he doesn't follow instruction. He is a extremely tender boy which I can't stand. I believe that he has some Learning and behavioral disabilities. Almost 20 in human services there are just some things you can see. When I brought this to my wifes attention she got defensive. Before we got married she never told me issues that he has. Yesterday, I had a cook out for my wife as it was her birthday weekend. My stepson would do things that just set me off and then would do some more. Even when I would talk to him one on one I get nowhere. It got to the piont my wife got angry and said she can't take it from him or me. Now the boy won't change I know that, but my wife wants me to change, that I will not in this case do. I'm tired of the back and forth. My wife thinks that my behavior and getting angry with my stepson is a bit much. My response is that's how I am with some things and that won't change. I don't like stupid stuff nor people who does it. I further said to her if she wants peace than either don't have her son around me or make a decision regarding us. To that she got mad and stomped off and took our son to another part of the house. MB family, I don't really want to divorce yet again, but in this case I feel I have to stand my ground. My wife is defending her son, but she will lose her husband and new baby.

As someone who has known MB for seven years now, you should know that being apart that much is dooming your marriage anyway. Kids or no kids, that is a terrible way to conduct your marriage.

So, what are you going to do about THAT?

Who has the kids while ya'll are off to work all week?

I agree with CWMI completely. It isn't possible to have a good marriage if you live on one side of the state and she lives on the other most of the time.

Also, it is extremely unfair to ask a woman to choose between her child and her current husband. Your attitude about this situation with her son seems very childish and immature. "I don't like stupid stuff nor people who does it." Does that sound like the words of a mature, responsible adult? You are calling your wife's son stupid and then wondering why things aren't going well in your marriage. Hmmm....

Sorry, but if my H approached me with a problem like this and put it this way, I would happily show him the door.

You have a very young child involved in this now. That ought to be some incentive to try to work things out, but the solution isn't expecting your wife to cut her 10 year old son out of her life just because you don't like him.

The being apart is just the job situation. We have good jobs which is great in this economy. The really of life is our jobs pay the bills. We have been trying to get under one roof, but the job market as I'm sure you well know is not easy. Having a good job isn't easy to walk away from. As per the kids. The older ones are in school and the baby is in day care.

Writer 1. My wife and I live within 2 &1/2 hours of each other. I am a mature responsible adult who like anyone else has limits. Anyone is entitled to their opinion. But being as you think I'm being childish, enlighten please on how you would deal with this???
I have tried changing who I am for the betterment of everyone excluding myself. I have tried and tried and gotten no results. Happily showing your husband the door if he did it the way I did, well that's your option I guess. But things are different when you are on the other side of the coin. I could recieve your comments better if I haven't tried or attempted to embrace my stepson in any way but I have. I was the one who had to talk to him about the fact he was staying behind a grade because his father wouldn't and many other things, but everyone has limits. Won't you agree?
What are my options in your opinion?

Okay, first, living within 2 1/2 hours of each other isn't the same as living together. Yes, I know times are tough. My H and I are struggling badly right now because of the current economic conditions. But living two separate lives isn't the answer. That would be extremely hard on even the best of marriages, and it could easily be the nail that seals the coffin on one that is struggling.

As far as dealing with the son, there are a lot of great books out there on blended families and step-parenting. I would start by getting a couple and reading them together with your wife.

Are either of the biological dads still in the picture? Do the kids live with your wife full-time?

You two need to sit down and come up with a plan on how to parent all of these children together. You guys need to get on the same page. You need to support one another. Kids (biological or step) are pretty good at sensing when there is a rift in a relationship and using that division to cause animosity between the parents in order to get their own way. You need to show these children that you and your wife are devoted to each other and to this family and to making things work.

I know you've been around for awhile, so I'm assuming that you're familiar with Dr. H's concepts. Have you read HNHN for Parents? I know it isn't specifically aimed at step-families, but there is a lot of good info in there about meeting your spouse's EN's while dealing with the demands of raising a family.

I do think that you need to accept the fact that this boy is going to be a part of your life if you want to be married to his mother. You knew that when you married her. I'm guessing she didn't agree to shove her children out of her life when she married you, and it isn't fair to expect her to do that now. How would you feel if you divorced and met someone else and got married, only she didn't like your son? Would you be okay with your new wife demanding that you remove your child from your life simply because she doesn't like him?

Would you consider going to anger management therapy? You can learn how to keep control of yourself, which begins by recognizing that you, and not a ten year old child, are responsible for your angry outbursts.

Have you reviewed the Love Busters listed on this site?

What I'm thinking is that you and your wife could solve these problems together if she was in love with you. But she can't fall in love with you until you eliminate the Love Busters of Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts, both of which you describe in the initial post in this thread. For the women I've known, including my wife, angry outbursts at children feel the same to her as angry outbursts at her personally, and I presume the same is true for disrespectful judgments.

I wouldn't say separate lives, but just dealing with life. I appreciate that you are trying to help. Books can be a great tool, but I think you will agree with me in that some things in theory is good, but in actual application are two different things. I've read books on blended families and tired.

My stepdaughters father doesn't want to be in her life. My stepson father is in and out when he wants to be. When he goes to his fathers and comes back he's a different person and that sets the tone for a week or more. The kids live with my wife. I agree on a united front, but it's hard when you don't get the same support in return. If kids see an opening to get their way they'll do it. But if my wife goes against me in front of the kids where does that leave me? Trust me that has happened on many occassions and when I tell her I get I'm sorry and she'll do it again.
I have read Dr.H's concepts and the EN's but that is a two way street. I'm the type of person that at this point in my life I can't give more than I'm recieving. You can't just give give give and not recieve.
There are things that I was not aware of untill after we got married and when I asked why wasn't I told because some things were told to me by her family members and not her. My wife got very defensive and that leaves me with a huge lack of trust. I will always admit to if one has full knowledge before they entire into a contract/life long commitment that's one thing. However, if you weren't given all necessary information, well that's something else. I've tried lovingly to bring ideas that might help and was met with strong defensiveness.
If I haven't made any attempts Writer1 by all mean Blast Me Out!! But I have tried and I'm tired of beating my head against the wall!!!
I can't want more for someone than they want for themselves.

Thank Markos, but I don't need anger managment therapy. I'm a very happy person for the most part. My stepson does alot of off the wall stuff. Any normal person would get upset from time to time.

Look guys my getting upset is not an every day thing. But to say things like therapy and stuff like that. Guys we all live in the real world where things get to all of us. Thanks for posting Markos.

I hear what your saying Markos about the Love Busters. And agree Love Busters can take a tool, but that works both ways. The Five Love Languages is a good book that we both read and I refer to it from time to time. But my results have not been the greatest with her. Now someone on here may say you try not doing and she will follow. But that always doesn't work either. Not having my feelings vailidated is a huge love buster for me. When my wife is defending poor behavior that takes sizable amounts out of my love back.

It sounds like the problem isn't with your stepson, the problem is between you and your wife. You two haven't learned how to work together as a team yet.

You say that you are familiar with Dr. H's concepts, but is your wife? Have you brought her to this site or shared and read any of the books with her?

Markos mentioned something about your wife not being in love with you right now because of all the Love Busters and Angry Outbursts that are occurring in your relationship with her son. I would also think that the large amount of time spent living in separate places could be contributing to her not being in love at this point as well. In order for your wife to be in love with you, the two of you need to spend a minimum of 15 hours (or more) a week together meeting one another's 4 intimate EN's (Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, and Intimate Conversation). I'm guessing there's no way you could even come close to this if you only see each other on the weekends.

I know you don't want to accept the fact that your current living arrangements are the cause of most of your problems, but it's pretty obvious that such an arrangement would never work if your goal is to have a close, loving, mutually fulfilling and supportive relationship with your spouse.

You say that there were things you didn't know about your wife when you married her that have contributed to a lack of trust. How long did the two of you date before you decided to get married? Were you living far apart the entire time you were dating?

Actually, there are people who never have an angry outburst. Personally, I've decided I want to be one of them. The Marriage Builders founder has a procedure for training yourself not to respond to frustration with an angry outburst, ever. He used to have a problem with angry outbursts, too. He once took a sledgehammer to his car while trying to change its transmission because he got frustrated and blew his top! I can relate; I used to enjoy having angry outbursts at inanimate objects. Turned out I was just training myself to be in the habit of getting angry when I was frustrated.

Hi neuschwanstein, welcome back to Marriage Builders. Have you ever considered USING Marriage Builders? Because what I see here is a marriage headed for the rocks because of the marriage wrecking behavior you and your wife practice.

There is so much wrong in your situation that one hardly knows where to start. The most obvious problem is that you live apart during the week. That is a sure fire way to fall out of love. In order to maintain the love in a marriage, a couple has to spend 15+ hours of undivided attention per week spread out during the week.

After that, the solution to the issues with your step son would be found in the Policy of Joint Agreement.

As it is now, you are headed for divorce. Step family marriages like yours have an 85% divorce rate and you have increased the risk of divorce in your marriage by living apart.

If you want to understand how to make your marriage successful I would check into His Needs, Her Needs and Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, has written alot about blended families. In his book, Lovebusters, there is a chapter on handling children in blended families in a way that does not ruin the marriage. It is Chapter 12, Resolving Conflicts over Children, pg 208.

The Five Love Languanges has no PLAN for a healthy marriage. Marriage Builders DOES. Although he took alot from Marriage Builders ["love tank" ] there is no plan there. You can "communicate" until the cows come home, it makes no difference if you are not in love.

I would try actually USING Marriage Builders. It really does work, but you have work it.

The problem with your approach is that you are demanding that she agree with you at the expense of her feelings. That is thoughtless behavior. A better solution is to use the POJA, which takes BOTH your feelings into account, and learn how to negotiate solutions that benefit you BOTH.

You are in the habit of making decisions that benefit one at the expense of the other and that only leads to resentment.

This is why guys don't share how they feel. When they do, they are told they are wrong, or immature, or whatever.

Keep doing that long enough and the OP will just shut down, and rightly so.

Folks are talking about how this is costing his wife feelings.

Has anyone validated that this is a deal-breaker to the OP? If the excusing of the step-son's behavior by his wife is not invalidation, I don't know what is.

He shared what was bothering him, and instead of working with him to find a solution that everyone can accept, his wife gets defensive and takes the position that the problem is with her husband.

I hear this guy's frustration. I'm betting he would love to apply MB principles. However, if his wife is siding with the child, or defending her approach instead of working to find a solution, then whose feelings are really being sacrificed here? Hers? Nope.

He's been told to stuff his feelings, grow up, and not put his wife in such a difficult situation.

When one married, they make a vow that says their SPOUSE comes before any other human on the planet, children included.

It's like the aircraft analogy, you put your own mask on before you take care of the children. So once you are married, you put the mask on your marriage before you put a mask on your child.

So the marriage is first. The mother doesn't have to choose as she's already chosen by getting married. She has said before God and the congregation that her husband comes first, period. Which means the OP and his wife have to come to an agreement that is mutually acceptable. If her son's behavior bothers him, the wrong answer is to try to talk him out of being bothered. No one wants to be talked out of being bothered by a Love Buster.

You eliminate the Love Buster and meet emotional needs. No where in the program do I see where Dr Harley says when a spouse complains of a behavior that one is to talk that spouse out of being annoyed by that behavior.

So if the stepson's behavior is a love buster, that's immutable, and there should be NO ATTEMPT to talk him out of being annoyed.

He's annoyed, and to try to talk him out of it goes counter to MB principles.

No one is trying to talk him out of being annoyed or telling him that he simply has to put up with the child's bad behavior. I believe several people have actually said that he and his wife need to find a way to work together as a team to deal with that behavior. Using MB principles is one way to do that.

What everyone is saying is that it is unreasonable for the OP to expect his wife to remove her son from her life altogether simply because he doesn't like the boy. Yes, her M needs to come first, but not to the exclusion of her children.

I believe I (and several other posters) also pointed out the fact that his wife is going to have a very difficult time being in love with him if she never sees him. One of the biggest problems in this M is the fact that they don't actually live together most of the time. If they aren't spending a minimum of 15 hours a week in UA time meeting each others EN's then of course she won't be in love with him. And if she isn't in love with him, then she is much less likely to want to work with him in order to find a solution to the problem of parenting this child together.

His unhappiness is extremely important and certainly should be voiced and resolved, but he is doing this the wrong way.
He is saying this is how I FEEL BY GOD and you better get on board lady!! Not only is that the wrong approach, but it is about her SON!! The only thing that will achieve is WW111, because she will feel he is attacking her son. That is when the claws really come out.

A better solution - if they ever live together during the week, becuase this is all a waste unless that happens - is to learn to use the POJA where it concerns ALL of the children. No decisions should be made with his approval and her approval. They should agree on disciplanary actions too. That is where I am trying to take this guy. But he will never get anywhere by making demands about her son. That will only bring out the claws and destroy his marriage.