Exposure is a part of PLan A. It is the stick part. Have you read this thread? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Not at all. Plan B is in order, in addition to a repeat exposure. I would also DEMAND that she end her affair. Your "backing off" just shows her how little you care about her.

The time for Plan A is quite over.

I would contact an attorney, file for divorce, and get her moved out.

Do a plan A for no more then 6 months. If during the 7 months of NC you had been doing a plan A time to do a plan B. However do not move out of your home so that leaves you with the 180. DO the 180. I call the 180 a modified plan B. It's better then being a door mat and all that is left when the WW won't move out.

I would call in sick today and expose everyone including FB.

Also today you must expose your kids to this affair and the OM's identity.
Then cut off your money from being used to enable this affair.

This is the problem. She was never in no contact. We consider sending the OM messages to be contact and you can see yourself the result of that. I would not tolerate that even it meant removing her computer and cancelling her cell phone.

How is he to do a plan B when a BH is not leave the home?

How is he to do a plan B when the WW won't leave the home?

A 180 show's the WW that he is not going to be the WW's back up plan. This can push the WW off the fence.

Schooner, DO NOT THREATEN to expose, just do it. Expose the affair to all your family members, close friends, the OM's family. And everytime he contacts your wife, you need to call him up and make his life a holy hell.

To WHOM did you expose the affair previously? Is he married?

Absolutely not. Marriage Builders does not recommend 180, they recommend PLAN B. How about getting off this man's thread so we can help him with Marriage Builders?

If there are no consequences to the A other than BH stomping around, being crabby, the WW will continue to happily ride the fence.

Plan B is not implemented with the consent of the wayward; Plan B is implemented with the force of law. Every single time I have heard Dr. Harley talk about it, he explains that you go into Plan A starting out by researching what it will take under the law to implement Plan B in your state, and that usually starts with talking to a lawyer.

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You don't implement Plan B by saying "I can't tolerate this any more, would you please leave, if you feel like it?" You get a lawyer and force them out of the house!

You certainly don't POJA it, in case anyone was wondering.

I understand there are some situations where you can't legally force them out. But you never know until you try, and I don't believe you know after talking to just one lawyer, either. Ask around and find a lawyer who will help YOU get what YOU want under the law.

I doubt there are any Scandinavian translations, but, there is a LOT of audio English material available. Would your wife find it easier to understand spoken English than written English, by any chance?

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moderators note: Stop disrupting this thread!

The key is that when people say they can't move out, that doesn't mean that it is true that they can't move out.

In this case, the person needing our help says she can't be moved out because they do not have separate places to stay. Well, the first thing he does is get some legal advice and find out if she can be legally forced out through legal separation or divorce filing or whatnot. If so, then she gets forced out and then finding a separate place to stay is HER PROBLEM, not his. As many of the more well-read psychology students around here say, that is her problem to own, not his.

If he finds out from multiple sources that he doesn't have much hope to get her forced out, then I'm pretty sure in such cases Dr. Harley advises the betrayed spouse to leave for Plan B (except in some cases where he advises a husband to stick it out for the sake of children). In that case he will have to get a place to stay. So part of his preparation needs to be separating his finances and saving now for this eventuality, and/or possibly asking for help from supportive friends or family. Just because he says they don't have separate places to stay doesn't mean he can't get a place to stay and it doesn't mean he can't do Plan B. It just means there may be more preparation.

The the charge that not everyone can afford a lawyer, again, part of this preparation may include saving money for awhile and may include asking around for help.

For the record, Dr. Harley does not always advise going into Plan A immediately; I've often heard him advise making preparations first. In the meantime I'm not sure exactly what you do, but you don't burn yourself out trying to be sacrificial superspouse, and I'm sure you also don't do anything that would withdraw love units.

Lots of people think they can't do things when they are really underestimating their own abilities. One of my little boys loves to cry "I can't" when my wife or I tell him to do something. But, because we love him, we hold his nose to the grindstone and make him do what we know he can do, so that he will grow up knowing "I can."

There were a lot of things I thought I couldn't do when I first arrived here, and I'm glad people helped me learn otherwise. Six months ago I thought I couldn't handle love busters from my wife without an angry outburst. WRONG. Yes, I can.

There are answers to the questions you are asking, and they are Marriage Builders answers. There's no reason not to ask them, or to start a thread to ask about them if you have a problem in general. But I don't think it's a good idea to point people to plans that Dr. Harley has specifically advised against. For the record, Marriage Builders views the "180" as Plan C or Plan Chaos, the route most likely to lead to divorce. During this time you empty your account in your spouse's love bank and they see the worst of you instead of the best. You may have seen many "successes" using the 180, but we don't know what your definition of success is and if it agrees with what Marriage Builders promises, and what you've seen is probably only a fraction of a percent of the cases Dr. Harley has seen and almost certainly didn't meet any rigors of scientific study.

If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts, please help him. If not, please refrain from posting. Stop disrupting this thread!

True perhaps, but MB does have a perspective on other tools, and MB is paying for this website. MB does not have a monopoly on the internet.

I can't imagine going into a Muslim's house at his invitation and demanding the right to try to persuade the Muslim's other guests to convert to Buddhism. I can't imagine going into a Democrat's house at his invitation and demanding the right to try to persuade the Democrat's other guests to switch to the Republican Party. The Muslim or the Democrat might welcome such discussions, or they might not, but I can't imagine demanding it against their wishes, at their expense! In this case, the site owner welcomes questions from you to the group about the other tools, but does not welcome you trying to persuade his other guests to those tools. The policy has been made clear over and over again, by the people paying the bills. You can go get a blog for free and say whatever you like, or for a small amount of money can set up your own web forum and offer whatever advice you like.

I like the clear cut advice. In a perfect world it will work. My wife and I each have a fifty percent ownership of our house (this is different to a joint ownership in that we each have seperate mortgages and bank accounts). Both our underaged children live at home (plus cat, dog and hamster). It is impractical to expect my WW to move out and rent a place of her own. Here (in Finland) it is very easy to divorce. All it takes is a petition signed by !ONE! of the spouses and which can be sent 24/7 via the internet to our local magistrate. There is a 6 month grace period, after which it needs to be endorsed by the person applying for divorce - that's it! If both parties sign, and there are extenuating circumstances, the 6 month wait can be reduced. Custodial rights are automatically divided, generally two weeks for each divorced parent. The father can waiver his rights to this and settle for weekend custodianship and agree to pay alimony until the child(ren) are 18. Communal property is divided 50/50, unless a pre(anti)nuptial agreement is in force. This applies in general to all scandinavian countries - no wonder the divorce rate is so high. More and more couples do not bother getting married and raise families in a common law relationship, one which is legally recognised and has the same rights regarding custodianship and alimony. In fact, the only real difference is that a widow will only receive a husbands pension (if his salary was greater than hers) - common law widows are not legally entitled to this. I apologise that I have gone off track with this dialogue - someone did remark on this fact in one of the earlier postings. To get back to my isue, you are absolutely right, I will expose to as many as possible on Thursday/Friday and then get out of town for a night or two. Under these circumstances, I am not too keen to face the barage, again - my ears are still ringing from the last one. But, the real quandary, what do I do next week? I can stay at home and play buddha, but is that going to lead anywhere? Hers is a strange affair, the young OM is not too keen on living with her, all he wants is some action when he feels it. My WW is deeply infatuated and is willing to accept this, knowing full well that she is being used. If I do move out, she will be financially strapped and start to feel the pinch very soon. She will not (to my present knowledge) resort to inviting the OM home - not in front of the children (who by the way know everything, including this recent escapade). On the whole, she herself wishes not to be so captive emotionally in this (we came close to getting her out of the fog and she began to see the futility). It's such a pity about this latest sexual experience - all that work down the proverbial drain. In the meantime, I'll get to work translating and prepared the exposure letter. Thanks once again for you help! I should have started posting earlier here but everything seemed to be going so well. I have read a lot of your posts - I'm privileged to be on the receiving end - and this applies to all of you who are helping out.

you can list all the items you want to justify why you can't do plan B, yet, like you (me included) many people had to go thru so much to finally implement plan B. I, for one, had to pay a rent and half of my mortgage in order to not be in my home and my WH is paying rent and mortgage as well.
There are prices to pay but it comes a point where you need to do what you need to do....
blessing

In our case, the only real way to do plan B is to divorce, sell the property, divide the winnings? and go our seperate ways. I can't afford to take on her mortgage and vice versa. We have talked about this option a number of times, and to be honest, if the children were grown up, we would be divorced. I guess I alone want to somehow patch things up because I can see that through all the troubles, we are both decent people who have had fun together. Now I'm becoming a bit despondent again.

Schooner, the time for Plan A is over. so unless you want to live in a marriage that has 3 people, you need to take action. You have absolutely nothing to lose if you file for divorce. There is nothing to save other than a marriage with 3 people.

You have trained your wife to believe that there is nothing you will do to stop her and she feels fully entitled to carry on her affair in front of you and your children. She has no reason to stop since you won't stop her.

What we usually do in these cases is file for divorce and get a temporary order to move the adulterous spouse out of the house and then DRAG out the divorce in the hopes that the affair dies before the divorce is final. This way, if she won't end her affair, you are better off divorced.