What shockingly bad behavior for the boy to be sensitive and cry! How terrible that he needs his moms approval!

My 10 year old son is sensitive and cries and I love that side of him. If my new H insisted that I try to change that about him, I would show him the door.

I don't think he has the slightest conception of the Marriage Builders program. That is why I suggested he get counseling with the Harleys and let them do the training.

POJA is damn hard to learn even in good marriages! The Harleys teach folks to start on something small first, like grocery shopping so that you learn the skills to negotiate the big stuff. My H and I had a good marriage when we learned this and our first lesson in POJA turned into a knock down drag out fight in the grocery store!

This is such a critical issue to their marriage, that I wouldn't try to wing it. GEt a professional to teach them how to do it.

Funny, I really didn't say that. What I clearly said was unacceptable was her off hand dismissal of his complaint.

Re-read what I said. Present an unwillingness to be in a marriage where his complaints are dismissed and invalidated.

Yet you took that to mean shape up the brat...


So in other words, she didn't really mean her vows. After all, what guy will think he's loved if his wife dismisses his complaints and throws him off the island instead of addressing his complaints. Doesn't sound like much of an MB worthy wife to me.

So while it may describe the behavior 99.44% of mothers, it goes 100% counter to MB.

So again, what are your specific suggestions. He has a complaint. The complaint is not being addressed, or even considered valid by his wife. So how does he present the complaint in a fashion that will not be filtered out by the "mom filter?"


Perhaps. Or perhaps she is like the 99.44% of moms who think their children come first at the expense of their spouse.

After all, if she thought her husband came first, would she even reject his complaint? Probably not. The fact that she rejects his complaint leads me to believe she puts her husband AFTER the child.

Besides coaching with the Harleys, I think his only other card is to establish the boundary that he will not be second fiddle to the child. The vows they took, as well as MB indicates that we are to place our spouses before our children. The best thing for a child is a healthy, stable marriage. Therefore, one is doing their child no good if they attack their spouse instead of treating the complaints a spouse raises as valid and attacking the problem.

HOLY CRAP! Is that the extent of the issues with this child? What is there not to "tolerate" about a child WITH LEARNING AND BEHAVIORAL DISABILITIES who simply has a sensitive nature?

How, pray tell, do you change the nature of a child? If I were his mother, you would not trifle with my son just because you think he is too sensitive. Being sensitive is not something you punish a child over and this mother is obliged to protect her son.

I feel badly now because when I first read this, I thought he was behaving badly, but it appears the problem is that a child is sensitive.

What if it is? What if he's manipulating his mother and he finds it annoying, disturbing, or whatever. What if he won't tolerate the same attempts to manipulate or whatever he's doing by crying or whatever the behavior might be.

Why not just give the OP the benefit of the doubt that the behavior is annoying, and that he has a valid complaint?

The problem goes beyond the behavior. It's the mothers refusal to even treat the complaint as valid.

So where is the problem solving?

Apparently, you would fall into the 99.44% who would place your child over your husband. If that's the case, I feel sorry for your new husband.

One cannot favor the child at the expense of the spouse and expect to have a good marriage.

Of course not. She knows nothing about MB. Even so, if her new H tries to discipline her child for being too "sensitive" she has an obligation to protect her son from such nonsense.



My suggestion is to get counseling with the Harleys and get training in POJA so they can learn how to negotiate. But I am not suggesting that they negotiate things that harmful to the child. That is off limits.



After carefully rereading his first post about his complaints about her child, I most certainly do not think his complaint is valid at all. If it were my son, I would tell him to stuff it and take steps to protect my child from him.

So what, the child is sensitive, or has LD or whatever. So the guy should just act like the behavior doesn't bother him? He should act like her failure to share the nature of his LD or whatever it might be prior to the marriage is OK?

Remember, not only does he have to endure this behavior, but she was not open and honest about the child. Open and honest means you tell your spouse, without being asked, if there are things like this.

Look at his complaint some more. Not only does he have to tolerate behavior he finds unacceptable, but she withheld that information, the very nature of the issue from him until after they were married.

Now, instead of working with her spouse, the one she was not completely open and honest with, she rejects his complaints and says he has to suck it up.

If he finds it unacceptable, then we have to stick to our MB principles and if he feels that way, they have to find a solution that is mutually acceptable, and that doesn't mean his feelings about how the situation is unacceptable should be changed.

Now we can discuss how smart it was for him not to ask, or spend more time, and that's a valid point.

However, she still vowed to be with him, to put him first, and she is not living up to that vow in this instance.

Okay, I must have glossed over this too. I really hope the OP doesn't have a problem with this child simply because he is sensitive and gentle. And what makes the OP think the boy has a disability? Is he a doctor? Has the child ever been diagnosed with a behavior or learning disability? Crying at a wedding and being sensitive doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the boy.

This mother could be getting upset because her son is being unjustly attacked for simply being himself. What mother wouldn't be upset at her new H for attacking a kid because he's too sensitive? Geez.

Sorry, EE, I was with you until I read his post more carefully. I wouldn't validate his claims if I were her, I would give him a boot in the behind for trying to discipline my disabled child for being "too sensitive." As a mother, she has an obligation to protect her child from such abusive tactics.

LD or not is no excuse to tolerate bad behavior.

There is nothing in MB that says the one receiving the complaint is to determine if it's valid or not. The program is to work together to find a solution that both will accept.

So are you now suggesting they NOT use MB as you are suggesting she should invalidate his complaint?

Because from here, you are suggesting she abandon MB and put her child before her marriage.

If it bothers him, it bothers him. There is no way one can rightly invalidate that and claim they love their spouse or want to build a romantic relationship with the spouse they are invalidating.

You are suggesting she choose not to love her spouse and reject MB by suggesting she invalidate and reject his complaint.

hmmmmmmm, you can't stand my boy because he is tender? You wouldn't be allowed NEAR my boy, much less allowed to discipline him.

Ex, the OP says he "believes" that the child has LD's, but he doesn't present any evidence that this is the case, other than that the boy is too "sensitive" and that he cries at weddings. If the child has never been diagnosed with any disabilities (and in fact may well not have any) then the wife didn't keep anything from him. This is simply the OP's (unprofessional) opinion of what is "wrong" with the boy, and in fact, nothing may be wrong with him at all other than the fact that he has a very different sort of nature than the OP expects from a boy.

So he should just accept that she was not 100% open and honest about the child and doesn't give a rip about how he feels with respect to the child's behavior.

If that's the case, then perhaps he has taken the right approach. She certainly is not marriage material, and he is best advised to be rid of her as soon as possible.

YOU BETCHA! Her first responsibility is to protect that child from harm. A man who wants to discipline a child he "can't stand because he is so tender" is not a safe adult. She has an obligation to protect her child that comes BEFORE marriage.

And this is a guy who has trouble managing his ANGER. Ya think he is going to do anything to my child? UMMM NO. That ain't going to happen.

Thanks to Violet Mist for pointing out what we seemed to gloss over. That changes the story dramatically. I am now relieved that the OP travels all week and is away from the boy.

Then if nothing is wrong, then why is the OP annoyed? It may or may not be LD.

Regardless, the OP finds it annoying, and ignoring things that annoy our spouse is a sure fire way to destroy romantic love.

Apparently, the mothers here place a higher value on their children than what their vows mean. I love my kids, but I'm sorry, if their behavior was bothering my wife, there is no question with whom I would side. It would be my wife, 100% of the time.

No excuses. The age or mental or emotional state of the child doesn't matter. My wife would come first. The only thing those factors play into is what would be an appropriate consequence for unacceptable behavior.

If a spouse is annoyed by the child's behavior, the spouse has preference over the child, not the other way around.

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And what if he is "annoyed" because my child simply exists? Does his annoyance justify anything and everything? It most certainly does not. Being annoyed because a child is sensitive is not a valid reason to discipline a child. That is CHILD ABUSE. And that is not something any decent, caring parent would allow.

She has an obligation to NOT validate his annoyance, but to protect her child from this man.

Remember, there are TWO angry adults. The first anger mentioned was she was angry with him. Remember, he tried to have a one-on-one with the boy, but the boy would not respond and she got angry with him.

I don't read the account is that he was continuously angry with the boy. From the account, he has tried respectful means and is on his last nerve, enduring the rejection and anger from his wife.

So she can be angry, but he can't? According to you, he's not allowed to be angry at being dismissed and rejected both by a child and his wife?

Double standard!

Either neither of them are allowed to be angry, or both, but not the she can be angry, and he cannot.

I can see why marriages fail left and right today. Husbands are sacrificed for the happiness of the child.

I can see why guys don't speak up, because if their complaints are judged invalid by "mom" they are hauled off to divorce court and told they are too cruel.

I can see why more and more kids are growing up without respect, and getting into more and more trouble. I can see why teen pregnancies, drug use, and everything else is on the rise. Because should a dad ever suggest that he finds a child's behavior intolerable, 99.44% of moms will side with the child and suggest the dad has a problem.

God help us when children are running the show.

If my husband said he wanted to be "validated" for being annoyed about my son's sensitive nature and wanted to discipline him for it, I would say, "validate this, Buster!"

Really, so you reject the BIBLICAL as well as MB notion that our spouse comes first?

What you are saying is use MB unless it's too tough or too uncomfortable to use MB.

Then, when it is, reject MB, claim the guy is unreasonable, and claim you are protecting the child. Claim his behavior is abuse, and that's your get out of jail for free card.

What happened to listen to the concern and brainstorm ideas to resolve the issue? Are you suggesting that kids trump the MB message?