I haven't even read properly through all your posts yet but I am overwhelmed. This place is amazing?!!!!!!!!!!

I just came back to an empty house and it is so nice to see all your messages of support. Feel ok, quite strong, I feel he deserves this hope that doesn't sound nasty. I hope I stay this way. I feel like this toxic person is out of my life.

Hitch,

What your h deserves is what he is willing to work for. You deserve what you are willing to work for. He may want out but is too big a chicken to pull the trigger and hopes to make you do the heavy lifting. If so, you should be willing to do the lifting. He may simply want to punish you, and in my mind that is a good reason to leave. People punish children to teach them something but that punishment if done correctly comes with a swift swat on the rump, or a grounding for a specific amount of time and that time is set at the beginning. Why? To give the child an understanding that there is a way back, forgiveness if you will.

Heck, we even give criminal punishment with a defined time line.

What your H is doing is saying I'll punish until...WHAT??? It seems there is no purpose other than revenge. Now there are folks that feel that is justified. Me??? Not if you want the marriage and he doesn't seem to. In which case you don't have to endure it, in fact you should not endure it.

Frankly, the bad behavior followed by apologies over and over comes across as the actions of a classic abuser. Other behaviors of his also come across in this manner as well.

Your H needs serious counseling and until he gets it, you need to be out of the relationship. You want revenge? Make your life successful.

God Bless,

JL

Okay Hitch. I had to get caught up on all of the things that have happened in the past few days. I see that you have gone into Plan B. You gave him the letter. You packed up his stuff and he only took what he wanted to take because he had no room at OW's house for the rest of it. See, he wants to have both of you, and OW doesn't really want all of his stuff. He is trying to use you as a storage place. I would say, in true Plan B form, you do as Not suggested and you move his stuff to the porch, tell IMs to tell him that his stuff is there and will be gone by morning if he doesn't come and get it. Have you changed the locks yet? Block his email address from your email accounts and block his number. If you have an answering machine, you should unplug it(I had to for a few days). You will NOT read anything he sends you and listen to no messages he leaves you.

Your WH WILL try to break your Plan B. He will probably not want to use your IMs. Although you have the IMs, try not to use them too often anyways.

Now, the next few days are going to be awful for you. You are going to go through withdrawals yourself and you will feel every emotion under the sun. It is like you are grieving so you will go through all of the steps of grieving.

Hang tight. You are doing the best thing you possibly could for your marriage and for yourself.

In case you haven't had a chance to read my thread, I think I started Plan B around page 44. You can see what kind of emotions I went through and see that you will be going through some of your own.

There are some more people who also are quite good at Plan B. There is MyMissy, and Hope_eternal. You can look through all of their threads and see what they have done and what was advised to them.

Stay dark.

A poor executed Plan B is worse than no Plan B at all.

Hi JL

Some thoughts



Why would he not want to do the heavy lifting? Go see a solicitor, move out ect... Is that what you are talking about? Basically put any effort into ending the marriage? I am surprised at this because he says that he wants to move on, is seeing other women and booking holidays on his own. Do you know what, I can't figure him out at all. I have given up trying.




His mother has punished his father all his life, I am not sure what for. It was only recently she punched him and gave him a black eye, my H was quite upset about it and told her off. I suppose that is where he has learnt it from. I think my H said it in his own words, when he had been drinking and sometimes people tell the truth, he said I want to see you suffer. I think that was the moment for me when I started to slip into withdrawal.



Yes thats the part that frightens me about him. His twisting of situations, the double standards, the criticisms, the coldness, the verbal abuse, the scary raging tantrums. He is not going to go easily, I hope he isn't going to try and punish me even more. I am not going to worry about something that hasn't even happened yet.



He will never seek counselling, it frightens the hell out of him. I think that is one of the major reasons why he does not want to commit to the marriage as I have seen him with his mask off and he has really shown his true colours. He can now go and meet someone new, who hasn;t seen him abusive behaviour. He said how could I ever face my family?

I will try and rebuild me life now, and make it happy and successful. Don't know really how that will shape up but it can't be any worse than the last 18 months. I am really sorry to say this but I feel nothing but relief.

Goodnight all, so lucky to have found this place

xx

Hitch,

He clearly learned the skills of an abuser from his mother and you know what else he learned?? Those skills work on those that won't stand up. His father is one of them. Although it might have bothered him that his mother gave his father a black eye, he knows his father will remain.

If you have noticed that I have gradually switched from supporting your marriage to telling you to stand back. His abusive behavior is the reason. There is no room for abuse in my mind either by a female toward a male or a male toward a female.

Let me ask, has he isolated you from your old friends? Has he made it hard to go see your family? We know he verbally attacks you and then seeks forgiveness the next day only to do it again. He does not forgive, right? He won't seek help because he doesn't need help right? All the problems in the marriage are yours right? If you did what he told you everything would be fine right?

Tell me how many have I missed? I am betting not many. Those are classic signs of an abuser. Look it up on the web and I think you will see what I am talking about.

Hitch, read Dr. Harley's take on abuse in the marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Hitch, please listen to JL.

I'm married to an emotional abuser. Since I've taken myself off the table as a handy target, he's turned in S15.

S15 even knows it. He doesn't put it in those exact terms, but he knows. And he wants me to protect him from his very own father.

I promised him I will, and I will. Back on the table I go, at least until I can figure out my next move.

In classic abuse, the abused person is the last to figure it out.. The abuser is masterful at the lure you in then lash out game.

Hi Guys

Heard nothing from H, he has not come back for the rest of his stuff. I am busy at work today and tomorrow.

OK have a question:

Should I change the locks? I am scared that is going to wind him up, and will make him very revengeful.

I am going to pack the rest of his stuff of this afternoon and get my IM to let him know that its in the shed for him to pick up.

Still feeling strong, have no inclination to contact him.

Good afternoon Hitch,



YES, you should and must change the locks. You don't want him to march in any time he wants and this will be a direct threat to you plan to stay dark.

It is not your problem if he becomes revengeful or angry or whatever, you stay strong and IGNORE him. You will show him that you are serious and won't let him play with you. The only reaction from him that should concern you will be his sincere willingness to get councelling and then to rebuild your M. That is all and that is way too soon for that.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Hitch,
Just checking in, I think you should go ahead and change the locks and tell your IM that you have done so in case your husband tries to come home.
I think you are sending a strong message to your husband and this is what it will take. Stay dark and let him feel what his decisions have done to his life......
18 months is plenty of time for him to make a decision to forgive you and work on your marriage, he isn't willing if he is still running back to the OW.....
Stay strong........

Your WH won't pick up the stuff if you put it in the shed, it will stay there FOREVER. You don't want to make it easy on him. He has chosen this life so give it to him. Put it on the porch. Who cares if it gets stolen? It's HIS stuff, you don't need to be responsible for it anymore. You don't take care of him anymore. You need to understand that in Plan B you are to not meet ANY ENs for him anymore. One of them, you don't take care of him. Let OW take care of him.

"won't let him play with you."

Hitch, your H is a serious Player. He reminds me in some ways of my OM-charming rogue who wants what he wants when he wants it, but no substance underneath.

He WILL without question find ways to play with you, and I will bet he will be quite clever about it. I'm tempted to say he will come up with stuff that this board hasn't seen before, but I think they have seen it all.

Your first instinct when he tries to mess with you must be to come here and post whatever is going on. Don't react. Post.

I also want to say, and I am confident I speak for everyone who follows your thread, that you deserve a MUCH better mate. Of course everyone deserves a good mate, but I fear you think you don't because of your A. You must not carry that into your life. Take the hard earned knowledge and leave the guilt, shame and self flagellation behind.

Your H may grow into a worthy mate. But first he has to want to. Don't get sucked in by his good looks and charm.

I have to say that when I read about his mother blacking his fathers eye I literally teared up in weak knee relief that you don't have a child with him.

There is always hope that he will choose to take the necessary steps to become the mate you deserve. But remember, it must be his choice because:

You control you.

He controls him.

I love the way Scotland put it - you are giving him the life he chose.

Time to focus on your personal recovery. Pull out that yellow pad and make a list of stuff you always wanted to do but haven't because of your M or your H. Maybe you have thought about pink highlights or double piercing an ear or learning to play the guitar or painting theiving room green or having a bedspread with cabbage roses or leaning how to cook indian food or bungee jumping or rock climbing or whatever!

Time to get excited about your life again.

You can do this. You really can.

Let him know that his stuff is on the curb if he wont pick it up the garbage man will.

Should put that on a piece of paper in your house and make it a mantra. You are not to blame anymore for any of his problems either.

Let him pick up his stuff, and own his own crap, on all levels.

Was it you sahphire that mentioned that you had a feeling WH treated her worse than Hitch let on pre her A?

I think this has been an eyopener for her too.

Ok a recap from my point of view.

Hitch is frustrated by the actions of her husband and is very uhappy in her marraige. Sparing the details...

She confides in average people and tries to do whatever she can to allieviate the emotional pressure and tension, which eventually leads to an affair.

She wakes up and realizes it is not what she wants and is going down the wrong road and immediatly seeks more help. This time from proffessional like DrH. She recieves support from others on the forum who have been there.


She makes the right moves and attempts to reconcile....and her husband remains the same.


K Hitch, looking good. Now you are dealing whith the real problem. Hs behavior. It wasn't your problem until you let him into your life, somehow you believed you could love him into changing, you found out he just takes and takes but doesn't give or appreciate you.

So this is part of love hitch, making him tow the line. You don't need that abuse.

[quote=SapphireReturns]

Lol!!!! Sapph your funny. Good idea tho.

Hitch, at the risk of speaking for someone else, I don't thing Sapph meant to be one bit funny. I think she was deadly serious.

Do it.

Hitch,

I don't know exactly how things are done in your part of the world, but here (US) you cannot lock a spouse out without a court order. HOWEVER, I do think it is true in the UK as well, you do need to see a lawyer/solicitor not sure which really handles such things. You need to see one NOW!

Your H has the possibility of becoming vengeful if not violent. It may not come to that but you need to know your legal rights and you need to protect yourself. I suspect that one of the problems is that you are not comfortable alone and with yourself. You need to become comfortable with yourself and not NEED anyone else in your life although you certainly prefer that they were.

Am I making sense?

God Bless,

JL

Yes I was being serious in a funny way.

I would seriously do that!

Hitch, please listen to JL. (I wonder how many times I'm going to say that?)

I've known my H for 35 years. He got violent with me and hit my BF on DD. I didn't think he had that in him.

Whatever.

On Sunday night he wrapped his arm around S15's neck and pulled his hair until S15 cried. (Still processing that one.)

I'm telling you that for one reason only. I want my voice to have some authority so you will listen to this:

Abusers escalate.

100% of the time.

I don't know if your H is abusive -- looks like it from here in the cheap seats, and I strongly suspect you haven't told us everything.

But if he is, he will escalate. Whatever you do will never, ever be enough. It's a beast that is always hungry for more.

It's a certainty.

See a solicitor ASAP.

Hi all,

I have had an ok today. Had an issue this morning with Internet access. My H took the router, so I bought a new one yesterday. When I was setting it up, I had to phone the ISP to reset the pw. They reset it and I was able to access even though it was in my H name but I think they have been suspicous and phoned my H on his cellphone and he blocked it as pw was denied when I tried to log on this morning. Small thing.

Seeking - you have a good point about my H being a charmer, he kind of lost that
player type attitude after we dated awhile, but at seems as soon as I moved out last
year he got his 'player' mentality back. I am not seduced by that at all I am seduced
by the soft warm side that I haven't seen for so long. I know I have to start facing
personal recovery, my plans were all laid out, settle down have a family... different
course now... will get on the case this weekend...liking the ideas... I start my interior
design course tom x

Nitsse - appreciate your view about H using me, makes sense. Although I know he too
wants to settle and have a family he was happy with things pre A ( although it didn't
feel like that at times. Not sure what he could use me for if hecwants to move on, who knows needs a shrink to work that one out.

Constant - thanks for posting, hope you enjoyed your car 'show'. You summed it up well, I know a can't control him, it's his life and upto him what he does. Only recently
we watched the film 'good will hunting'. It was so apt, we use to laugh about it and I
use to call him Will. It was the part Robin Williams said about that nothing was more
important than his wife and he missed some of the most important things in his life to
be with her, he loved he cause she challenged him, and it was the 'imperfections' that
he loved the most. Although in the back of my mind I thought I bet she didn't cheat on
him though, ha!

JL - I think your right about the locks. It is going to antagonise my H if I do that and I need to get legal advice first. He will be revengeful and will hate the thought if me being in the house with any other men. Here in the UK I am not really sure about it, I
do have a solicitor lined up, a good one I have been recommended. I did go and see
her earlier this year to get a legal separation in place but my H would not talk about it. I will book an apt tomorrow.

Yes you are right I do find it daunting being on my own, I am in this big beautiful house, but I am alone, but you know what, it is peaceful. No one to shout, criticise or
predict what mood they are in or what time they will be home. I need this time. I haven't thought too much about the next few months I think it will daunt me! I want
to make my life successful but right now I haven't given much thought how. Weird things like dealing with events being single, telling friends, different path.. I am sure I will be fine. I just want to be happy that's all.

Night all, don't let the bed bugs bite !

Hitch xx