I have been reading and following some posts on here for about 9 months now. I am a BH who discovered his WW A that lasted from Jan 09 to Aug 09. I have read many books and articles about forgiveness, infidelity, and recovery. I have read SAA and my WW has purchased the His needs,
Her needs home course. We had a FR from Aug 09 to Jan 10. WW never told the truth, it was always me discovering parts of it and having to prove to her before she would confess. I opened up like I never have before after the initial discovery and feel completely destroyed and betrayed by the FR. This was not the person I married and committed my life too. I do not believe WW has been completely O&H with me about the A, mainly due to the FR and that she is a very good liar. She was contacted (so she say�s) by the OM through FB. OM was her first true love, met in high school. 20 years later and 17 years into our relationship they reconnect, in a big way. They also reconnected when we where dating. So now I question our entire relationship. We have 2 DD that mean the world to me. I just don�t think that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where both parents had A�s, where very abusive (verbal and physical) and I swore that I would never do what they did or be a victim of it. Now that I am a victim I am torn between staying or going when I always told myself I would go. OMW doesn�t know, but have read a lot about exposure (and agree) but not real sure how to go about it with NC on our end. I know I didn�t meet all WW EN�s. I just don�t see any hope.

Hi Broken
Sorry you need to be here, mate.

Exposure will do two three things :

1) will flush out any contact there has been or that remains between your WW and OM
2) you may gain an ally in maintaining NC
3) it will empower you by taking aggressive action against the affair that hurts you.

False recoveries are the wages of no exposure unfortunately.

Don't you think OMW deserves to know what she is married to ?

All blessings

BP, I agree OMW deserves to know, just want to do it right and not out of revenge.

broken, I am so sorry you are here. BobPure is right, a false recovery is the result of an affair that was not exposed. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so helping her keep this secret has only enabled the affair.

That is where I would start. Expose the affair to the OMW, your family, her family, your children. The more people who know, the more light you shine on the affair. Mold does not grow well in sunlight!

She should not be forewarned about your exposure.

Here are a couple of items on the value of exposure from Dr Harley:


Exposure

A radio segment where Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband: "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler. In my judgement exposure would have ended your wife's affair."

Radio segment here: here

broken, regardless of whether you feel revenge or not, she deserves to know. This affair has gone on for so long that you are going to have to do a very effective exposure where everyone knows. Exposure is like chemo to cancer and that is what it will take.

Everyone in our circle is aware of everything, FR and A. The only one we haven't told is OMW. I have also confronted the OM.

I would definitely call her today. Do your children know what she is doing to your family?

How would you feel if roles were reversed and the OMW knew but you didn't? You would be thinking all is well and your wife was the perfect wife etc. Right now you are a part of the affair conspiracy. She needs to know now!

Broken,

BP, I agree OMW deserves to know, just want to do it right and not out of revenge.

OM will continue to have affairs and his wife might never know, what she will know is that her marriage is marginal and she lacks a connection to her husband, but not why she will wonder if she is at fault.

Don't be a silent witness who never comes forward, my wife told a friend of hers about 8 years ago about her affair, but the friend told her to keep quiet. I've lost those years of recovery as a result.

God Bless
Gamma

Sorry you're here, Broken'09. Your case is tough because of the false recovery. I've seen your wife's side of things on her post. Not quite sure what to advise or ask, so I have mostly questions, not answers; but your answers to the questions might help us get where you're at, so here goes:

First love? I wonder, why did she marry you and not OM, if he was all that? Any thoughts on that?

Why is she with you and not with him now? Why wouldn't she just take off & follow her heart, if her heart is with him? Are you thinking that it's just for your children? (I'm not saying it is or isn't. Just want to get a sense of how you see things.)

Why haven't you told OMW? The NC is for your wife, not necessarily for you, especially if OMW's knowing would bring you an extra measure of confidence that the affair wouldn't resume. Lots of people don't want to ditch their marriages, especially if the affair is past-tense, so insofar as she wants to keep HER marriage, she's probably a good ally in adding an extra barrier to the OM trying to "reconnect" any further with your wife.

We've heard your wife's side of it. What's your take on the EP's she's put in place? Is there a list you could give of additional things she could be doing that might help you?

I guess what I'm most interested in is, what are you looking for here? You could've sicked a lawyer on her months ago. Why didn't you? The reason people stick it out is because they see hope -- yet you say you see none. Really? None? Then why are you here?

Except for the false recovery, I put my wife in basically the same spot your wife has put you in. If it's hope you want, maybe my wife could give you her take on things.

Broken,

What user name does your W post under? I clearly have not connected the dots as others have. I look forward to your answers of GO's post.

JL

The wife is Wulffpackgirl. Their sig lines basically match.

Thank you to everyone. JL, GO is right, my WW is wpg. GO, your question about first love is he moved away. The feelings I struggle with is all the info I recovered that was communicated between them during the A. About how they both wished they had ended up together and could go back in time. Why she is not with him now, because she got caught and she stands to lose too much. But they talked about it. Why I haven�t told the OMW, it wasn�t until my WW started posting here that it really came to light that needed to be done, and I was hoping that she would admit that it needed to be done. Since she hasn�t all I can think of is that she still has feelings for the OM and doesn�t want to see him hurt or that more about the affair that she hasn�t told me would come out. Her EP�s are sound, I have all her passwords, and check periodically just to see if there has been any communication between them. I just have no way of checking on what she is doing at work, which is where a lot of the communication happened. I recovered so much information that everything is a trigger, and that stuff just doesn�t go away. This weekend we went to the mountains and went hiking up an old logging trail and found a truck that had wrecked, picked up a newspaper and the date on it was one of the PA dates. I used to love listening to music, but she told him when she heard a love song she thought of him, not the man she married. So I don�t listen to the radio much anymore. This morning my alarm wakes me to a local radio station (which hear and most everywhere in the morning is the DJ�s talking and doing stupid stuff). Today they have guests in which are from POSOM karate school breaking boards and stuff. So my day just starts out great. Trigger trigger bang just shoot me.

So everyone I am on the fence, and I just don�t know what to do. I�m in a lot of pain and I walk around most days in my own fog. The things they said and did just keep replaying and pushing me further out the door. The FR makes it hard to trust what WW says and does now. I have already started contact with OMW. I guess there are days and times that I don�t see hope. I guess I�m here because everyone seems pro recovery.

Hi there Broken2009,
First of all I'm very sorry that all this is happening in your life.....Your wife is caught up in a fantasy relationship.
I would tell her that what you are going through is very hurtful and that you have to make sure that there never is any chance of the affair ever reigniting again, you need the OMW's help in keeping tabs on her husband.....
If your wife is serious about wanting to fix the marriage and making you her top priority then she won't object.......
As far as all the triggers go I can relate, they pop up when ever they want and it's like living all the doubt over and over again.......
Time heals all and your wife's reassurance will help a lot. My husband just holds me and tells me he is sorry and that I can believe in us again and that he is there for me and that the two of us can work through all of it together, it brings me back down off the limb ........but it takes time......she will have to prove to you by her actions that you can trust her again.......
read all MB articles and follow the plan they lay out here, it's solid and we are all here to pull you back off the limb.........there is lots of hope if you truly let it happen.......remember every situation has 3 choices, 1. remove what causes the problem....2. Do nothing.....3. Make a decision to move past and know it's your decision for you and put your best effort into that.........knowing that it's your choice will relieve the burden you are feeling now......

Broken, what does this mean? Have you exposed the affair to the OMW?

ML, I tried to get in touch with OMW yesterday. Could not get up with her. Upon some investigating today I find out that she gave birth to their 2nd child yesterday morning and is not due home till Friday. So I need some advice as to when I should expose this.

B2009,

Tough call because OM is the type of guy who will have another affair while his wife is out of order from childbirth. The fact that he has had multiple affairs pushes for sooner than later.

There is no good time, 20+ years later was bad for me too.

God Bless
Gamma

Broken, I don't have an answer about when to expose to OM's wife. Fortunately for me, my OM was not married so that was one less life I ruined.

I just wanted to post and let you know that your posts are helping me understand and be more empathetic toward my BS, so thank you.

We are in similar situations and even similar timeframes. I do not know your wife of course so I really can't give her mindset but I can tell you that what she is saying is possible. She could have really felt that way and recognized it for the fantasy it was and be ready to recover with you. You, of course, deserve to make the choice and can always play the D card.

I know for me, I don't want to push my H into staying with me if it isn't what her really wants. Somedays I'm not sure he knows but others, I think he is just hoping I mess up again and is disappointed when I don't. He doesn't do confrontation well and I am afraid he stays because he doesn't know how to go.

That is something I won't do for him.

Good luck to both of you and thanks again for this thread.

Oh wow. I would wait a couple of weeks and then let her know.

@broken2009, I understand walking around feeling constant triggers and being at the end of your rope. I understand the files playing back in my head even when my FWW isn't around, making me miserable. And I even understand that hostility spreading to my FWW when she gets home, through no (current) fault of her own.

When you have an hour or two, I'd encourage you to read the Recovery thread on Managing Memories And Dealing With Triggers.

The truth is, if your wife's affair was really over January 2010, you guys are well into Recovery by now. You admit, however, that you can't know what your wife is doing when she's at work.

Why not tackle that part of the problem? Ask her to invite you into her work life. IM or SMS one another throughout the day. Nothing deep, just what you're doing and who you're with. Schedule a lunch date at least once a week. Drop in at her work when you have a break and see how she's doing.

Right now, a lot of what you're facing is helplessness because you can't change the past. You face a lot of resentment because there's plenty to resent.

There's a way to fix this, but it's not in your wife's power to fix. It's yours. That way is to create a relationship based on your present and future. To create a today where you never bring up her affair again, and she never brings up anything you have done in the past to justify her current actions either. You must become NOW-centered.

What are you doing right now to make your situation better? I'd submit that dwelling on your memories and allowing yourself to succumb to a spiraling depression is not doing the job for you. If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to continue to wallow in misery until either you or your spouse are fed up with the marriage. Why not create a plan to restore your marriage instead?

Step 1 of that plan is to sit down with a professional -- preferably a MarriageBuilders expert, like Dr. Chalmers or Dr. Harley -- and flesh out what you'll need to get through this. Or even if it's worth getting through. I spent a session with Dr. Chalmers, and she's worth every penny of the $200. You'll leave the interview knowing what to do for the next several weeks, and knowing how to judge whether things will be worth improving.

I was ready to toss my wife out on her butt because of how much she was still hiding from me prior to our meeting with Dr. Chalmers. Immediately after that meeting, we had a plan we follow to this day to ensure that I know where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing at all times. She participates willingly and is happy that I'm taking such an interest in her life, and for my part I'm glad to share what's going on in mine, too. We sit down every day to talk about our feelings that day, and she gives every indication of having never been happier with our relationship than right now.

We haven't arrived anywhere, by any means. We still have our ups-and-downs. But I was ready to throw it all away in January because I felt she was still hiding things from me. Sitting on the phone with Dr. Chalmers for two hours cured that over the course of the next several months, and I feel better about our relationship right now than at any point after our first year of marriage.

You can fix this, but dwelling on the past won't do anything for you or your marriage. Creating a plan -- particularly if it's done with the help of a marriage pro like Dr. Chalmers or Dr. Harley -- is the way out of your pain.