This is a little of the story. I have been gone for two years and only getting home mainly on the weekend. My wife moved out a week ago, and this was a red flag on the field. I asked here several times if she was having an EA or PA with some guy, and her standard answer was no,no,no,no,no. I found this site several months ago, and I have been reading it alot. I bought both Dr Harley's books HN/HN and Love Busters, and I read them both. I gave these to my wife and she read them both. We are going to see a MC, and we are also going to IC with the same counselor.

My problem is that I am struggling with not telling the OM wife about the affair. The OM is married and has two children. I know Dr Harley states that you should get all of this out in the open. I know that the OM wife will never have a good marriage until they get this out in the open and go to a marriage counselor and work at repairing their marriage.

Also, my wife and I have three children. So, do I tell our three children?? Two of our children are in college right now, and I hate to lay alot of these problems on them while they are trying to make good grades in school, but I know in my heart that we would do better at recovery to tackle this together as a family rather than keeping it silent... and we would come out better and stronger on the other side of all this. Do I inform any of my wife and I circle of friends?? Do I inform my wifes mom and dad and siblings??

These senseless affairs tear alot of lives apart and leave a helluva alot of damage behind...

This whole event is terribly painful...

I consider the team here at marriage builders to be my mentors.
I follow Dr Harleys teaching now because he has a clearly defined plan, that is easy to understand, and makes perfect sense, and his plan works.

I believe most marriages are worth saving and rebuilding, and I know Dr Harleys method of His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters is the answer to rekindle most of our marriages.

Any feedback is much appreciated.

If you follow Dr. H's teaching as you said, then you already have your answer. You are doing a huge disservice to everyone involved if you do not expose this.

1. Your kids more than likely already know that something is wrong. They may think it's something wrong about them, that they're creating the tension in your home.

2. Exposing to OMW puts another set of eyes out there, to keep your WW on the straight and narrow.

3. Withholding the truth of her reality from OMW is cruel and self-serving.

4. Their kids more than likely know that something is wrong and may be blaming themselves, like yours.

5. OM is a predator. He has escaped this A unscathed. He has learned that he can have affairs. You are leaving him on the prowl for other unsuspecting families. Why would you do that? That's like knowing your neighbor is a child molestor but not telling the parents of the kids who go over there to play.

6. OMW deserves to know what her WH is about, so she can make an informed decision as to whether she and her children want to be in a life with him. That is her right and privilege to decide, yet you choose to keep her in the dark. Why?

7. OM has no reason to 'not' contact your WW to resume the A. If he knows his W will be immediately informed by you he will be less likely to do so. This is a powerful tool for you to use that will keep the A dead.

Hi 17m! Yes, you are right, the OM's wife should be told. She can't very well save her marriage and watch her H if she doesn't know. I would tell her all about the affair without forewarning your wife. If you tell your wife beforehand, she will likely warn the OM and then the OMW will never get the truth. When you tell her she will be in shock, so be sure and give her a follow up phone #.

The children, and everyone else should be informed of the affair. This is a family problem and it will help if everything is out in the open.

Hopefully, you know now that living away from home is the condition that led to the affair, right? Are you rectifying that situation? Because this situation can't be recovered unless you are spending every night together.

Melody,
I love your posts and have read alot of the sage wisdom that you mentor us all here with...

I am back home permanently, but my wife and I are still seperated...it is difficult to spend every night together while seperated...
My wife has started talking and communicating with me more...
She seems much happier to talk now that the affair is out in the open...
I only have a first name on the married guy, so I will have to try to get a last name...
I cannot contact the OM wife until I have a last name...
Any suggestions on getting the last name??
I will never do the long distance geograpical bachelor way of life ever again...

Thanks for the great posts...

Do you have access to your WW's cell phone records? If there are phone calls or text messages to OM, you can do a reverse lookup to get the name or run it through intelius.com. It cost about $15 when I did it a few years ago to get the account holder's name.

Do you have a keylogger installed? Is OM a FB friend of your W's? If so, you can possibly figure it out if you've got the first name...

also do you have access to your W's email account?

17m4, I've got a couple of questions.

Where is your WW living?
Where is your minor child living?
Does she have access to money, as in joint checking/savings accounts, credit cards?
Does she work?
How did you find out about the A?

Gotcha! My point was that you should eliminate the traveling job which you addressed below. Good for you!


Do you have his phone #? You can do a reverse look up on whitepages.com and perhaps get it there. What other information do you have on him? Where does your wife live?

I do not have his phone number...
Our minor child lives with my wife
My wife lives about 10 minutes away, and works part time, and she does have credit cards and more than enough of the money she pulled out of our joint account before leaving...
I do not have access to her cell phone info because she was using a pay as you go cell phone...the kind where you buy so many minutes each 3 months...

My wife and the OM met online, and he is not known to our family...a total outside stranger...
He is not a part of our circle of friends...

Should I reveal any of this to our circle of friends??

I am also wondering if I can uncover this info during our counseling sessions...I am holding out to see if there is some way that I can gently uncover this last tidbit of info...

Even with those pay/go phones, you can register them online and get call records.

Its very likely that your wife has never registered the phone -- so why don't you do it for her. You just need to know who the carrier is (AT&T, Sprint, Verizon....) and the phone number....

Am I missing it? Do you have a keylogger on the computer? If not, I would install it immediately. Today if possible...

Lexxy,
This is the kinda info I needed...
I bet she has not registered the phone, either...
I have the name of company and number...
Once registered how long does it take to access the info??
Thanks again on this post...
I am thinking in a fog...I would not have thought about doing this...
Many thanks again...

A keylogger will do me little good with my wife not living here at our house, and she has her own desk top and laptop with her at her place...
I do not have access to any of her computers...
If I am missing something please let me know...
It is my knowledge that a keylogger only works when you both live under the same roof??
Thanks...

You need to immediately close any joint financial accounts (including credit card accounts.) Do not let your WW use marital money to finance her affair. Waywards have been known to destroy their families financially in order to lavish gifts, trips etc. on their AP. This is especially important if OM lives very far away.

You absolutely should expose this A to anyone who is in a position to influence your WW to do the right thing and end the A. Do not tell your WW that you are doing so. Just do it. Parents, your children, both sets of relatives, friends, etc - anyone who will recoil at the horror of this affair and will confront her with the outrageousness of it.

You know, of course, that counselling is pretty much worthless when the wayward is in an active affair, right?

What is the visitation plan with your child? What is the plan for his/her financial support?

OK, if she is going to be spending any time at all at the house, I would get the keylogger on there. Maybe set the bait for her, offer to let her have the house for a few hours [for laundry, picking up loose items, etc] while you go out and run errands.

BTW did you check your computer's history? Might be some clues there.

Also does your W have FB? Can you hack into her email acct? Waywards are infamous for being sloppy and leaving clues so I would leave no stone unturned before giving her any idea you are fishing for OM's name...

Maritalbliss,
I have always tracked the use of our one credit card...
I know that she only uses the card to buy gas and groceries...
I check it every few days...
The OM is local around our town...
My wife says she has ended it, or she said that the OM ended it about 8 months ago...
Without disclosing to much info...there is plenty of money here...I was a successful businessman in the railroad business...
Our child is well cared for...
I want to wait until I find the numbers to the OM before I let the info out...

I would cancel the credit cards ASAP. How much money did she take? Does she still have access to your bank account? If so, I would hide your money.


What about landline bills? Does he come to her apartment? There has to be some way you can find out.


YES! Tell everyone.


Gently? First off, I don't think she will tell you, so you need to FIND OUT. And secondly, this is not a situation that calls for "gentleness." Your marriage and family is under assault. That is not a "gentle" situation, but a call to war.

Can you hire a PI?

Melody,
I cutoff the bank accounts...
She can charge gas and groceries on the one credit card, and I am okay with that...it shows that I am taking care of my family...
She took enough money to live on for over three years without having to work at all...
I was a successful kinda guy...I still am...
She moved into a $300,000 rented house at around $2,400 a month...
I could hire a PI, but I am giving it a little time because she is starting to respond to US and our marriage...
We go out on dates some, and we were meeting at church a little...
So, I am also trying to use other techniques...

The longer you wait to uncover the truth the more entrenched the affair becomes. Do you really want to save your marriage? Because going on dates will not save your marriage if there is an affair. The longer the affair goes on, the harder it will be to break this up. You can't break it up unless you get the goods and expose the affair. Exposure is your most potent weapon in killing the affair. You might be able to break up this affair if you get the goods and expose it.

I don't see you doing much here to save your marriage, 17m. Being nice will not save it. You have to fight for your marriage if you want to save it.

As far as your money, I would get that back. You are essentially financing an affair with your own money. If she didn't have that money she would be pressured to move back home.

If that is your best shot, I predict you aren't going to make it. Pulling this out will require a 2 prong effect, the carrot and the stick. Too much carrot and you end up enabling the affair. So far, that is all you have done, my friend: ENABLED THE AFFAIR. And rewarded her for being cruel.

Thoughtful requests and nice dates are not going to ruin the affair. All it does is encourages cake eating and the WS delights in having her needs met by TWO GUYS. Why would she ever give that up?

C'mon, friend, if you want to save this, you are going to stop the enabling and get to work!

17m4,

The reason you are separated is so that she could continue the affair without your intervention. No woman separates from her husband without another man on the side. She's still seeing OM. She's manipulating you into not telling anyone (especially OMW), so that she can continue the affair.

The reason she hasn't left you yet is because she's trying to get the OM to leave his wife first. Your WW is just stringing you along until that happens. You are her backup and are being played for a fool. Separating buys her some time to work on getting the OM to leave. She can tell him that she's "separated," and now he needs to hold up his end of the relationship so that they finally let their relationship out in the open.

To kill this affair, you need to expose to everyone: OMW and family (parents, siblings), your WW's family and friends, and your children. Now she'll be furious and tell you that you've ruined everything, but this is expected. She'll try and punish you emotionally for ending her affair for her.

The first thing you need to do is get her phone info. Once you create an account, it will send her a text message, so you need to print all the call history you can right away for safe keeping before she gets you blocked. Then get the info on OM. If you feel overwhelmed trying to do it yourself, just hire a PI to do a quick search. One of the posters here got all the info he needed for $55. Phone number, address, family members contact info, etc. Then when you are ready, do you exposure in one fell swoop. All on the same day. Each time you expose to someone else, it will make her angry, so it's best to get it all done right away, so it's only one event. Also it prevents her from spinning her story first.

Good luck, and keep posting. Remember, the affair is still active because you didn't take the necessary steps to kill it. Now is the time to kill it for good. Exposure is the silver bullet.