Hi Guys

I have been posting on here for about 3 months now and have another thread running.

I went to Plan B on Monday. I hope you can pick up who I am.

I only just realised that my H took my laptop and my thread will be in the history, he is not that IT literate I just want to be on the safe side so have started a new thread.

Constant hope you still have crystal ball?

I am doing ok, had difficult moment today, when I realised that H may be living with OW. I must say I can't believe how many desperate women out there, who are so willing to chase after a married man. She has pursued him relentlessly, fine if she is willing to share him wtih someone else, I am not. Also the extent to which my H has lied about his contact with her. He only said recently that she won't leave him alone. It has hit me a little today that H may be living with her but have followed no contact rule and have not driven by to find out his whereabouts. H will know the way to get to me is to cut off contact lets see how long he can stick to it.

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I just don't want to buckle under the withdrawal symptoms. I want to stay strong.

Seeking - I need to get my yellow pad out, maybe a at the weekend. I have a girls night out planned tomorrow looking forward to getting dressed up and going out on the town.

Constant - Saw your last post, H way to punish me initially will be to get a new girl and that seems the route he is taking. I found some broken things in the bin today so when he moved his stuff out he must have smashed some stuff.

Any Vets advice to ensure that the people who have been supporting my thread come and find me!!

Hi Harmony,

nice new name:-)

So he has been in the house?

Have you had the chance to get some legal advice about changing the locks yet? I don't know of course what the law says about it but it seems that if you want to protect your property after he has moved out and don't feel safe while he has the key and can come and go and smash things, it shouldn't be the problem to change the locks on that grounds. I hope you can find some good advise.

As far as changing your locks, it is not illegal in any state of the union to change your own door locks. We have advised hundreds of people over the years to do this with no issues.

Usually the WS does nothing when they find out, but in 2-3 cases the WS calls his lawyer and the BS' lawyer simply responds that the presence of the WS is too painful. Usually that is accepted because the WS does not really want to go before a judge and have to answer to the cruelty he has inflicted upon the BS.

In one case the infuriated WS called the police and since it was 12am, the police made the BS let him in. That is the only time I know of this happening. Another poster, believer's H, tried the same stunt and she was to able to block him with an emergency court order.

But, again, the majority of WS's do nothing.

Hi niitse

How are you? No he has not been in the house he took the laptop with him. Just realised that MB thread may be in the history.

Had a busy couple of days at work, but going to phone the solicitor in the morning to get an appt. H has also gone dark haven't heard a peep, which is just aswell. He is going to hate me packing up his beloved office, he will be really mad. He has not come back to get any of his clothes so he must have been out and bought some new pants?!!

Weird, but feel a bit worried about him. I know that's silly but he has been all over the place the last few months and now he has gone dead quiet, I don't want any drama I just think he can be quite fragile at times. I am sure he is fine.

Still doing ok, have those moments where I feel like I am having a bad dream and i am going to wake up there horrible. I haven't cried yet, keep thinking of what JL said, what are you crying for, the marriage that was or the marriage you wanted to have?

Thanks melody for the heads up re the locks.

Guilt has started to kick in about kicking out DH. He is going to be so annoyed that I did that because he runs his business from home. Major love buster.

Feeling bad right now. I had affair, I tried to sort things out, he rejected me, I pull away, he came to me needing me, and then he disrespects me and has multiple affairs. This cycle has been ongoing for 18 months.

Just read that Chilean thread about how some spouses are so in love that they take a long long time to get over it. Yikes. Feeling bad right now. He is going to dark on me, for a long time. Have horrible vision of sending him text tomorrow saying cone and get
your stuff and his mother calling how dare you ?do you know what you have done to
my son he is in a really bad way and now you are throwing all his stuff out. Hmmm.

Best of luck on your Plan B. Remember that it's only very partially about your wayward spouse, forcing the other person -- or people, in this case -- to meet all of his emotional needs.

It's much more about you. About learning how to live on your own again. About learning how to live without that other person in your life. About preserving what little love you have left for him on the chance he may return, hat in hand and remorseful, ready to rebuild. About realizing you'll be just fine even if that never happens.

And you will be just fine. In fact, you'll almost certainly be better off than he will. Keep up your boundaries so that you will not be tempted by other men and allow your Plan B to run until the time you've set for it to expire. If you focus on being the best person you can be without worrying about anybody other than you and your family, your focus will pay off in spades.

You can do this. Be open to the possibility of reconciliation with your husband, but don't budge on your basic requirements for recovery that you outlined(?) in your Plan B letter.

Harmony, you need to block all of his venues of contacting you. You shouldn't know that he has tried to contact you.

As I suggested to you before, pack his stuff, put it out and get your IMs to tell him that he can get his stuff. Or, better yet, get someone else to bring his stuff to his mother's house and have IMs send a message telling him it is there.

You are going to go through withdrawal over the next few days and weeks. Just hold tight, don't contact him and understand that you set your clock back to day 1 everytime you do.

Hi

I felt a bit low for the first time this morning. Couldn't stop dreaming about H and OW. That H was in love with her, and he was excited about seeing her and him being really indifferent with me, weird.

Anyway was sat upstairs in my bedroom and saw H drive past a few times in his car, looking at the house. He must have seen my car there and drove away. He didn't see me. Anyway about 10 mins later he sent me a text saying

'Hi Harmony, tiler is about 10 minutes away to do the bathroom. Are you there to let him in?'

I ignored his text. He knows I am in, my car is outside and the lights are on, he just drove past, has he lost the plot? Also, why is he organising a tiler when he has moved out? When I spoke to the tiler, apparantly H told him that he will meet him at the house, I am starting to wander if he thinks I am serious.

Shaking. Packing the rest of his stuff up when I finish tonight and will leave outside the house for him to pick up tomorrow, and if he doesnt come and get it will put into storage.

He is not use to the idea of not being able to contact you at will.
Do not answer his messages. Have him go thru the IM and do not inform the IM that he contacted you.
It is hard, but your M seems very broken. You had A and he is having multiple ones. Is that correct?
You need time to awaken and find a path that will bring you to your hapiness alone. YOu need to be happy alone in order to be happy with other people.
YOu WH has to figure out the same. That is why we were put on this earth. To awaken to a life that is meaningful.
Keep posting
Blessing

Hi

Thanks Antena, you are right:


I don't really know how to do this and he has only been gone a few days. The sadness comes in waves, but I also feel peace away from the situation. I had a handy man in today to fix loads of things that I have been waiting on H to do do, such as leak under the sink, put up mirror ect..He has done it all for me, and I am concentrating on making my home look nice. I went to the shops at lunch and bought loads of healthy nice food and treated myself to some beautiful flowers. The house will look lovely and I will feel settled.

A GF has invited me upto London for a party, not sure I want to go, for some reason I want to be near home. I guess its a comfort thing.

I need to start planning some things, I kept my diary empty due to H situation.

I now have a dilemna with a Xmas work party for end of Nov. Partners have been invited. Since I am quite new there don't really want to go on my own, and don't really want to say anything to people about the situation.

Nothing drastic, just something to sort out.

You know what though, knowing that you are living by your boundaries feels cool. I had a moment of, I removed someone who had consistently violated them, and it feels quite powerful.

Harmony x

Hello Harmony,

it is nice to read that you keep yourself busy, redoing and fixing the house is surely very comforting. You are doing great, keep it up!

London party is surely one of the extraordinary precaution issue for you, so I guess you're right to hesitate. I wouldn't go if I were you. You have so many things that make you very vulnerable right now: you are a former wayward, you have suffered quite an abuse over your Plan A, and now you are alone, in Plan B, this all may want you (I'm not saying you will) to have a leaning shoulder. The company Xmas party is the same. I avoid any parties like plague, and only go there when my H is with me and we are both enthusiastic about it.

Hello Niitse

Yes I seem to be doing OK. Although I am worried I have had a boost today after my H attempts to contact me. Not sure. I was starting to get worried about HIM. Oh well.

I am slightly worried that I am going to spend a lot of time on my own, my plans for tonight have been cancelled. However, I don't really feel ready for making too many plans. I just feel llike doing 'gentle' things like going out for dinner, meeting for a quick drink, lunch that sort of thing.

I think my H does not think I am serious. I ask him to take all of his stuff, and he only takes a few bits. I ask him not contact me, only through IM, he sends me a texct message. I think he has got use to me calming down and forgiving him half the time. NOt this time.

Will get IM to send him text tomorrow to pick up the rest of his stuff.

Constant, Just Learning, Tom, Seeking, I hope you get to catch my thread soon. It would be good to hear your words.

Harmony

I was glad to see your post, Harmony - have been thinking about you going into Plan B and wondering how things were going.

Stay dark, stay strong. You can do this. You've learned a lot and you are a strong woman! I'm glad you are taking steps to do things for you. I wish I had some great constructive advice to offer, but just wanted you to know I am sending thoughts and prayers your way!

Personally, I would take the trip to London and plan on going to the party solo.

Change of scenery is good during the period of early B when you are grief stricken in large waves. Just have someone keep an eye on your home and make sure H doesn't know you are gone. If he wants to rebuild already, he can let you know through your IM.

Tell people at the work party, if asked (they might not ask) that you are "here alone" if pressed "newly separated from your H"

I found and still find being social and adventurous to be the best way to recover my own spirit and move through this and onward.

I think you could be right reading, I am concerned about being stuck at home too much. From this morning, it seems as though my H is driving past checking and I don't want him to think I am sat in all the time. Also, tomorrow I don't want to be around when he picks the rest of his stuff up.

You shouldn't be around when he picks up his stuff, and he shouldn't be able to get in of at all possible.

Have you blocked his numbers? I know that you can't control if he drives by your house, but STOP LOOKING OUT THERE. You are trying to catch glimpses of him to keep you going. Thing is, you will need to go through withdrawal yourself to be able to focus on your healing. You can do this.

Thanks Scotland

I think I can do this, I am feeling OK, but am still scared if I am honest. I am doing better than I thought I would.

I honestly must have looked out of the window and about 2 mins later his truck was parked at the end of the road watching the house.

I haven't blocked his numbers, I feel like this is letting go, weird right. OK I will do this.

I still can't believe that I have been so stupid as to not realise he has still been actively seeing the OW's. To clarify there have been 4 OW.

OW 1 - 6 week fling when I moved out April 2009 - girl fron golf club works behind the bar. A lot younger, totally doted on him, they saw each other last Summer then stayed in touch as 'friends'. When H found out about the A earlier this year, she became a'friend again'. I complete believed H when he said he didn't want a rship with her when we were separated (to be honest she wasn't attractive enough for my superficial H) and when she found out he started seeing someone else, she couldn't handle it so said that she no longer wanted to be 'friends' with my H. I think she had a crush on him. He led her on.

OW 2 - 6 week fling April 2009 - same time as girl from golf club. Mum of 2, separated from H a year when she met my H, slightly older than him. H said she was 'nuts' kept crying on him, had middle child syndrome, was on anti depressants, would not leave him alone, use to come round and do all his washing and ironing for him and that she expected him to pay for the kids. They have obviously stayed friends, this is where my H was on Monday night when I saw his truck parked outside OW house. This is the brazen over confident one, i think she thinks she is rescuing H from wicked witch wife. This is who H was with on Monday night and maybe now?

OW 3 - 4 week fling after finding out about A in March 2010. He said she was boring.

OW 4 - local waitress - he said she was nuts, called H quite early on her boyfriend, he said he had to remind her he was still married.

All of the above justified in his case, as he verbally told me the M was over, even though he was still living with me. Foggy, foggy, foggy.

Writing this has just reminded me that I need to step Plan B up a notch! Can't believe the friendly tone of his text today!!

I don;t even know where he is living.....Just aswell. God I need to get over this guy.

Secret to share, one of my major fears of letting him go, is that he will get OW pregnant. I think I would crumble, so I am controlled a little by fear, nowhere as much as I use to. Helped by boundary work with JL.

I too worry about my WH getting OW pregnant. Now, if it happened, it would suck, but it is what it is.

In my case, my WH moved right in with OW. I sometimes look outside when he picks up and drops off the kids. It started really sucking for me because I would miss him more. Also, when I would see OW with him, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. I sometimes do still look, but I get mad at myself for doing so. I know what it does to me. It makes me still focus on him.

Just stay dark and not just in you not answering his texts or calls but also by you not knowing that he is calling or driving by. How do you think you are going to feel when he stops calling, messaging or driving by?

God Scotland - you are one brave woman. I can understand the ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK I understand why I need to block him now, for when he does stop contacting me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

PAzaaaM!__-- What is this? AH my crystal ball has zoned in on...Ok enough corny jokes.

In every one of your descriptions of OW he describes them as
"nuts", and they all chased him and he broke thier heart. Now which is more beleivable,
1. That he is such an awesome man that level headed women automatically believed because of his honesty and integrity that, they desparatly needed to comfort him because you are such a witch and he never did anything wrong,,..or

2. That he spun a story that was so full of crap and said that" all that I want is someone who loves me and she did this and that" while...a bunch of weak minded and desparate women willing and eager to buy a load of crap or just plain slezazes....fell for his looks and charisma? Beacuse they were as dumb as a post or played the relationship/lie game.

?

That should sum up what I think has been goin on a long time. Don't want to hurt you but he probably tells them your "nuts" too.

Difference is, he married you and I don't think it was by accident he picked you. He knows what you stand for, and that given a chance, you would fight for what is right, as you are.

See my problem with him? He knows better and even how to manipulate because he does know what buttons to push. I have known a lot of these guys and women like you allways eventually figure it out and if the guy doesn't, they lose the girl.

You are doing good in your plan B, don't waiver. Follow all the advice Scotland has said and others about IMs and trying to avoid him. Did you post the letter that you sent with his stuff here so we can see it? Maybe it will help us understand what you told him about what it will take to reconcile your relationship and if it was clear and detailed enough.

BTW, that "tiler" ruse was tricky enough to get in and see you wasn't it? He knows you would not make a scene with both of them at the door. I expect more childish crap from him. Keep insisting he grow up or he wont. Then he can look for someone else to play relationship with, you are working for a life together, not playing for an ego boost.

I am not trying to get you down about your H. I am sure as anybody he has the capacity to respect and love you. I think he is infatuated with himself right now, and is more justified by your A so is using it.

You just keep working on you and demanding the best because with him in the state of mind he seems to be will get away with whatever he can. Remember what I said about "why" he does that? His controlling Mom and passive Dad? How manipulation and IB was all he knew?

I hope he sees what he is doing, goes to an IC, and starts working MB so you can have the husband you know he can be. Its up to you now to make him tow the line and you will need help doing it.

Talk to your Dad lately about how strong you are becoming? It will do his heart good.

I would avoid those partys like the plauge right now for the same reasons others said above. Movies with solid girlfriends or married couples. don't put yourself out there without good protection.

BZZZZzzzzump...crystal ball just blew up.. guess I will have to rely on honest and open communication and common sense now. Dang..