Actually...if you are keylogged...he doesn't need to access any website at all to see what you posted using the keylogged password. Instead...he's getting the posts via the keylogger straight from your computer.

However, once you turn OFF the keylogger...then he'll use the passwords he discovered previously to access your email and private posting UNLESS you immediately change your passwords after shutting the keylogger down.

Mr. W

Another thought...

Most likely any device he left behind HAS TO BE plugged in somewhere. He was leaving so it's unlikely he'd want to rely on battery life for his snooping activities. Check all the plug-ins in and around your room and closet.

Often the cable/telephone wires enter the home in the basement near the fuse box (utility room)....check in there too and look for anything plugged in AND connected to the cable/telephone wire or junction box.

Cable uses splitters all the time...THAT is NOT what you are looking for. Most likely one cable wire in and one cable wire out....not one in and three out.

When you find it...take pictures of it and then abscond it and hide it away. May come in handy later (ask your attorney what to do with it...he MAY say make a police report).

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for all the great info, Mr. W. It truly saddens me that I even have to be thinking about this kind of thing right now. H goes and has an affair, walks out the door, and still is looking for ways to hurt me? What IS that?

I know he is just looking for what I have told and to whom. I am upset that I can't even get the support I need during such a difficult time without wondering what is being listened to or read.

Everything I've done I've done to save my marriage. I know H is truly ticked about exposure. It was to SAVE two families...it was not to be vindictive or mean. If he doesn't understand that then he just doesn't. The kids and I love him very much and want him to make the right decisions to end the affair and commit to the marriage and restore this family. I hope that if he does read this he knows I say this with full sincerity and not just as part of some "learned script". If I didn't feel that way I wouldn't be here on a board that supports it.

The OWH deserved to know the truth. Well, at least family (siblings) deserved the right to decide whether or not to tell him. I'm assuming he find out since I received the following text from H earlier this evening:

May God have mercy on your soul.

I don't know what that was supposed to mean except perhaps the brother decided to tell OWH and H found out about it. H and OW should have thought about who they were going to hurt BEFORE they decided to get involved. Now, everyone - two families - 5 innocent children - have to suffer for it. I have fought and fought for this marriage. My children have wanted me to fight for it. They've wanted H to fight for it. At what point do you give up the fight because until the wayward spouse WANTS to fight for it, it does no good. ???

Bless you heart...

Allow exposure to play out...

Get some rest...

The war for your family is far from over.

I endured a few months of this crap and stand today as a testament that the MB plan works. You and your husband CAN recover this and build a marriage of love and extra-ordinary care.

Mr. Sunny...please give your family a chance. End the affair and commit to, at least, giving it a REAL shot. It sure beats the heck out of a life of misery in a relationship built upon the quicksand of lies and deceit. Affairs NEVER work...is your only shot at happiness is with at home with your family...WHERE YOU BELONG.

Mr. Wondering

It means that exposure is working. I mean to refer God being a wayward is just utter babble or the last attempt to "hurt" you back for hurting his affair.

You are doing great.

May God have mercy on your soul.



After my H wrote a NC letter to his former affair partner, OW stated how this is all on his (my H's) soul now. That she has done everything that nobody would find out, and look what you've (my H) done in return... In reality it was just her anger that she was not allowed to continue her ways any longer.

After my A was exposed by my H, OM sent a text message to his cell phone that "thanks for ruining his life".

This is all from affairrages' collection called "My marriage made me do it".

Thank you for the support, everyone.

I am under the impression of the moment that anything I write can be viewed and that's OK. I have nothing to hide anymore. I will go on Oprah or Dr. Phil and tell the world everything I've done and said and why I've done and said it at this point!

@SunnyDinTX: That's the spirit!

What risk does a keylogger pose to you? Right now, none at all. You're in Plan A, as best you can. You're planning your transition to a dark Plan B to distance yourself from his drama, right?

Now, your transition point to Plan B might be something you may want to avoid revealing to your husband. The reasons for planning this privately are two-fold:
1. So that you're not making an ultimatum or demand on your husband. You want to preserve what little is left in your Love Bank balance in his heart, if possible.
2. So that he does not have time to adequately prepare.

My suggestion would be to get everything in order and start your Plan B within the next week or two at the latest. You have some great support from some other Plan B'ers here on the forum. Pick up a pay-as-you-go phone from the grocery store to talk to your lawyer if you plan to go for a legal separation so that you have a legal leg to stand on requiring support from your wayward husband. As you get ready to handle this Plan B, be sure that in every interaction with your husband you are pleasant, cheerful, and handling life just fine without him.

Hey Sunny,
I just wanted to send my support while you go through this painful situation, my husband was saying and doing all the same things at first when he was in the foggy affair thinking, they think they are in love but it's just fantasy they just don't realize it in the beginning, once I exposed and everyone knew including my children things changed for him, he felt remorse for ruining two families as well.....it took a few months for him to come out of the fog but he did and I think he is happier than me now.......he is in love now with me not her and he now sees the situation as a truly selfish act.....
It's a cowards way out of a marriage that needs work.......when this happened I had been married for 22 years........it's not to late, your husband like mine said it wasn't because of the affair that it was the marriage itself and know he sees that what he did in the marriage resulted in the place we were at when the affair happened.....he realized he was at fault as well.......he now is a totally different man, the man I should have had all these years. There is hope for you as well, when the fantasy becomes a reality and they actually have to live the life they thought they would it's a different story.........let it play out, love your husband through it all, sometimes in a marriage one person has to carry all the weight this might be your turn........good luck....

Some one help me here, press ALT,Ctrl,Shift H, and a password box should come up. That is for stealth keyloggers in your machine. Also check his spam e mail on that machine. Offers are sent out occasionaly for KL software upgrades Kinda makes them not so stealth ? The progression of keys might be wrong, If the passwod box comes up, you have a KL on your machine.

I tried that GF, in all configurations and nothing came up. I think the router may be an issue if any. That makes it more difficult, actually, but as I said: I am just going to have to go through the steps to see for sure! Haven't had time today yet.

Thank you so much for the support Door and Jess! :-) It means a lot to me.

Of course, if H CAN read anything I'm typing/reading...he just read plan A/B but that's OK. He would've read it previously before and knows all about it already.

The thing is, H has not said he is in love with OW. He has said it's not hard for him to end it with her. It isn't like he has once said, "I love her and want to be with her...sorry." It's, "She's not the problem." He said he had deleted her # from his phone (I guess to prove that point) but then why would he leave and not give us a chance if he was truly willing to end it and had no feelings for her? That would be crazy. It's like he is saying, "I don't really have feelings for her..it's not a big deal...but I don't have feelings for you either and our marriage is not going to work so I have to leave because you're making me... I wanted to stay in the house for the kids' sake...."

I don't know. I guess I'm just venting or trying to understand his rationale. If it makes sense to anyone, let me know, because I don't get it!

Well - let me rephrase that. I "get it" in terms of how I see it. I just don't see how his logic is possible at all. I think a man would not premeditate an affair - making travel arrangements and everything else - to go see a woman at least 3 times... walk out the door when presented with the evidence - unless he had feelings for this OW. Sure, those feelings are based on fantasy and not reality because it's an affair and not a genuine relationships...but would a man walk out after 20 years if not in that affair fog??? You tell me. Oh yeah - that's right: he would....because I've been too terrible and my efforts to change and be the best wife I could be for the past 5 months are too little too late.

PS: NO word from him today at all. Not one iota. Don't know if the kids have heard from him or not.

SD, you are exactly right. Can you imagine a husband going to such lengths over a friendship with some guy named Fred from the office? His explanation makes no sense because it is not true. What is true is that he is in love with the OW and his addiction is strong enough for him to create an elaborate secret second lifestyle and break up 2 families to accommodate his addiction!

What he is trying to do is deflect the blame for the source of the problems onto YOU. While the marriage was certainly not happy, that is not what led to his desire for divorce, that happened in conjuction with his adultery.

He may also know that even though Texas is a no fault state, they DO take adultery into account in divorce actions. You can file on grounds of adultery and even have all of his records subpeonaed into court. He would be required to give testimony under oath about his adultery. I don't know if they can do this since the OW ho is out of state, but in Texas, we often subpoena the adultery partner into court to give sworn testimony under oath about her affair. Don't know if that would work in this case, but I would sure try.

Pay no heed to his words, but look at his ACTIONS. His actions speak the truth, and a man who would travel to see his OW 3 times, abandon his family and wreck another marriage is in love. His words are meaningless, look at his actions.

I agree, Melody. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

Sunny,
I know it's all confusing, the wayward spouses have to tell any story they can to continue the relationship with the OP. They think what they feel is real what they don't realize is that the affair relationship has never lived through every day stuff it's just all the good stuff.......that's fantasy not reality......
When they are at the heights of the affair they will do anything to anyone that stands in their way, spouses, kids, family doesn't matter.....
You need to kill the affair and have other people help you, freinds of the marriage.....exposure is the only way....
Stand your ground about wanting to continue your relationship with him but only if the affair stops and he ceases all contact with OW.....
Be calm and the woman he wants to spend his time with.......when you do speak be reasonable and firm.........
He will soon realize the mess he has created for himself and his family.....he will start to realize that his fantasy world is crumbling and not hurting everyone else for.....
What he is doing is very selfish and hurtful until he sees this you can't start to re-build........
BTW .....my husband gave me all the crap about it not being the OW it was about our marriage and the way he felt in it........he now talks a different story so what does that tell you, they make themselves believe whatever they have to so they can have the affair.........mine didn't care who he hurt either.......
he sure does now and is still trying to mend fences..........don't believe a word he says right now......think of him as being taken over by aliens......


I think your situation is going to take some waiting out on your part.......

I believe very few waywards are actually all that interested in their betrayed spouse's activities. They are wrapped up in their own little world with their affair partner. About the only thing that really gets their full attention is exposure, and they hate it so much they'll do anything to try to squash the exposure.


You're welcome! I know where I think you're headed -- to a dark Plan B with your spouse -- and that can be a challenge.


OK, here's where a key difference between men and women comes in when it comes to MarriageBuilders. This is an observation I've gleaned from listening to Dr. Harley's radio shows and courses, but I have some trouble citing sources. Men tend to be able to keep feelings of love toward multiple women more easily than women do. I'm unsure if it's social or biological, but for a man it's fairly normal to never stop loving a former lover. Some women are this way too, but it's rarer. The net impact of this is that a man can "cake eat" without mental consequences for a very, very long time. It's one of the main reasons Dr. Harley recommends women do Plan A for a much shorter time than men, because most men will sit back and enjoy the attention from both his affair partner and wife, while most women will be driven to a decision as they vacillate between partners.

This is a stereotype with numerous exceptions, but a useful one. Don't let him cake-eat with his affair partner and you for too long.

And don't believe for one nanosecond that he didn't land in a warm, welcoming bed with the other woman within hours after leaving your house. He's selling you a line of baloney if he's claiming it. His hope is that you'll buy his line that his affair is over, but so is your marriage, just so that he can live a guilt-free existence. Don't offer the DJ of telling him to his face he's lying -- even though he is -- but know the truth in your own heart. And if you ever choose to recover your marriage with this man if he chooses to come back to you during your Plan B, know that you'll almost certainly have a desire to hear the truth about what he's doing right now from his own lips.



I have a log of my wife saying the same thing. "He's not responsible for the problems in our marriage." No, not all of them, but MOST of them! Don't buy it!

I like to think of marital problems a bit like health issues. Sure, your marriage has some warts. A zit here and there, several old scars, and some nasty rug burn from a recent accident.

But that's not what you notice when looking at this marriage. What you notice are the three sucking chest wounds from the multiple gunshots delivered by your spouse into the marriage, with him standing over the body holding the gun. He's stuck three labels on the three holes. One is "the affair", one is "my lies", the last hole has a surprisingly long note on it that tries to explain why even though he pulled the trigger and put the hole there it's really your fault he did so.


Four guesses what's actually happened:
1. He just changed the name in his phone to "Frank Johnson" or some other male name.
2. He bought up another phone just to talk to OW. The bill for this will go to her house or his work address. It may also be a pay-as-you-go phone.
3. He has the number memorized so he doesn't need the speed-dial entry anyway.
4. He's using pay phones, work phones, or other phones to keep in contact and has her number there.

"Deleting her number from the phone" is just a grandstand to try to sell the lie that she's not part of her life.

One other thought, though: my former friend, whom I call "Phil" in another thread, went through this same show with his wife when he moved out. To assuage his conscience, he really did break it off with the most recent affair partner. This is a typical approach to attempt to legitimize leaving. They'll either resume the affair publicly after a suitable amount of time -- typically 3 weeks to 3 months, not usually longer than that -- believing that their "separation" from their spouse legitimizes the affair.

My stepbrother just killed himself 3 weeks ago, and he was in exactly that situation. He was miserable and lonely, even though all his Facebook statuses proclaimed how happy he was with his affair-partner-cum-fiancee...


Actions, not words. You know what's up! He would almost certainly not leave unless he had a shack-up honey ready to receive him.


OK, it's really useful to often think of the affair as causing an alien to inhabit your husband's body. Often, this is the only way I rationalize my wife's bizarre behavior during her affair. She doesn't even remember the hurtful things she did back then. It was very much like she was possessed.


It makes perfect sense when you think about his goals:
1. He wants to preserve his relationship with the other woman.

Often, leaving the wife is a prerequisite for more sex from the other woman. She'll tell him "it's over unless you leave her". He experiences withdrawal, sees a way out when you "accidentally" catch him, and uses that to justify leaving. He'll tell her that he's left you for good. He'll lie and tell you that he's not leaving you for her, but just to have his space or because he thinks that's what you want.


2. He wants to preserve a chance with you, too.

Yep. His destructive behaviors notwithstanding, most men are polyamorous animals. You're a great backup plan! If the other woman puts another demand on him -- like filing for divorce -- then he can hit you up for a booty call when he experiences withdrawal from her until he finally decides to have you served with papers.

3. He keeps experiencing Contrast Effect. And "rubber-band" effect.

When he's with you, he wants her because his fantasy is so powerful. When he's with her, he wants you because you met his needs, too, and he longs to have those needs met. This is the heart of why Plan B is so important: it forces the other woman to meet all of his emotional needs, and usually she's not up to the job.


You are seeing clearly why betrayed spouses have to ignore the torrent of bile -- the words -- spewing out of their spouse's mouths. Those words are intended to confuse and let the wayward keep up the status quo of two people meeting their needs as long as possible. We can only depend on the actions of our spouse. Not the words.

Jess: you're right. They don't want to feel guilty so of course the affair with the OP had nothing to do with the demise of the marriage!

Door: Wow...lots of good insight there. There are some specifics that don't apply (and you'll see why when I post my update shortly) but I know exactly what you're saying. BTW: the OW in this case is miles and miles away - so no running to jump in bed with her.

I totally get the male vs. female differences. That makes a lot of sense.

On the "why would he spend time on my activities" as the BS, here's why: he is concerned about his reputation and what I was telling everyone, basically. It wasn't about knowing what I was up to...it was about him.

SO.... here is my afternoon in a nutshell:

- Had an interesting phone-fight with H at 2:00 - followed by an interesting convo with OW - followed by dinner with H. Very confusing day! I'm too exhausted to go into details. Well, plus - H might not agree with the way I put it into words here (if he's still reading!) Hi H!

Anyway, we discussed working things out but not in detail yet. H and OW both say it is over. We have not discussed him moving home specifically. I want to talk to a counselor first. I have an appt lined up for tomorrow for just me unless we can get H in on a conference call kind of deal. If it is just me I just want to talk about some logistics and good and bad ways of doing this.
The last thing I would want is for H to move home and then back out again in a few weeks, months, or even years. If he comes home it needs to be for the right reasons. I know there are boundaries both of us need to agree to as well. I have to be able to trust him, obviously, and have a plan of recovery in place as well as transparency. When we had dinner it was very calm - not a dramatic thing - and no more talk of me backing off, etc...

Of course, that's probably because of the conversation I had with OW. She said it was over. I clarified some things to her as to why I had talked to her family. I explained why her husband had a right to know and that my only goal was not to be vindictive but for the two of them to end all contact and work on themselves, their marriages, their families in the right ways.

Anyway, talk about a surreal conversation you never think you are going to have... I was surprised at how calm, cool, and collected I was able to be. She started off slamming me but that quickly dissipated when I stayed reasonable and calm.

Crazy, crazy day.

I do agree about not rushing into recovery before H is ready. I don't know that he's there yet but I see hope.

PS: H, if you are reading this, that's not meant to be mean. It is mean. I DO want you to be ready to reconcile - for both of us to be - if we are going to have a shot at a better life!

PS: Door - that's terrible about your step-brother. Very, very sad.

SunnyD,

Be very, very cautious. Believe only actions not words.

I do believe that OW said that "it is over" not particularly because it is over but to try to convince you to stop exposure. She is afraid of you but maybe not afraid enough to really end the affair.