I've been separated from my H since mid March of this year. Ours was a very long-term marriage but also one destroyed by my H's continual LBing, including verbal abuse, some PA, refusal to address our issues, lack of communication and decades of sexlessness. My story is elsewhere on the Board so I won't go into detail.

Suffice it to say I left because I saw no alternative and the unhappiness and continual stress were starting to destroy my mental and physical health. My H also has a progressive disease which complicates things further ( an extreme understatement).

I realize that healing from this will be a long process in in my case may never truly happen.

I'm having a very hard time dealing with leaving, even though I know it had to happen. My stxh has gone NC during this entire period, so it makes me feel as though he is glad I left and was just waiting all these years for me to take action.

But our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and then there are the holidays to contend with.

How do you deal with the constant grief?

Me 58; stbx 60
married over 35 years
separated since March 2010

Hi, mugs.

First, when dealing with grief you need to figure out what you are grieving and that means taking a hard look at reality. Don't allow yourself to sugarcoat what was. How many of your anniversaries were happy? How many times was the day after the anniversary happy?

My guess is you are grieving the end of that particular dream--that you could be happily married until death do you part to that particular man.

You are also grieving the loss of your old routine. This is normal too. The world got shaken up a bit, and that's scary.

And as for wondering if he was just waiting for you to take action... well, there's a 50/50 chance that was the case. But, in the end, does it matter? Your ex was an abusive jerk. Not talking to you could even be an attempt to punish you or manipulate you into begging him to take you back.

The first years are the hardest. Gather friends round you. Make plans shortly for the holidays. Start a new tradition for yourself. And remember, some days, all you have to do, all you can do is survive and wake up the next morning. As you discover loneliness won't kill you, you get used to being alone more and it creates a new normal.

How many anniveraries were happy? I really can't remember H ever doing anything really special other than occasionally bring home flowers. The last few years he forgot our anniverary completey and then got mad at me for failing to remind him!

Our whole marriage was pretty much like that -- he never did anything to make me feel special or appreciated. If he had I wouldn't be on this Board.

I guess I'll just feel sad on the day because I was so young and full of hope when I married and it all went sour pretty fast.

Thanks Greengables for your response. I'll be in salvage mode for a long time to come and just pray I can stil get through all this with my sanity intact.

I plan to ask H to draft his separation agreement this week and I'm also beginning work on mine.

Have you done this yet? Because...if you haven't that was nearly 2 months ago.

I think getting this part done will help somewhat with closure, but you also have to remember that divorce is akin to death in some ways, and it's liable to take a few years for you to heal from this. Also, it could very well be that you've been grieving so long - for years really - from the disappointment of your marriage, that maybe you just aren't sure how to feel, now that the dynamics are changing for the better.

I wonder if it could be that you've felt so emotionally enslaved for so many years, now that you're 'free' so to speak, you really don't know what to do with yourself, perhaps?

Are you legally separated, or just physically? Will your divorce go through in March, if the separation agreement is done?

Hi Soolee:




Hi Soolee:

I wrote H a few weeks ago to ask him to put some money into my bank account (we're both retired). He replied very unemotionally, and then asked if I was "keeping well otherwise."
That's all I got after 38 years of marriage. I haven't asked him about a divorce agreemet yet because I've felt too drained to think about it. But in Canada, where I live, you're legally separated once either partner leaves the home. If we can get the agreement in place by March, the D could be final then. I don't know what will happen if H has any major health issues in the meantime. Right now, his MS is stable.

I've also been doing a life/marriage review and just keep shaking my head that I didn't/couldn't do more to turn things around early on. There was no MB program when I was a young wife and I was, frankly, bewildered, shocked and at a loss as to how to cope wih an H who yelled and screamed, and didn't want SF. I kept trying to do all the things one is supposed to do - stay attractive, cook well, keep a nice home, bring in an income -- but in the end H always found fault. The two previous sepaatons were just a exercise in frustration, since things never really improved, in fact I think H just resented me more. I guess it all boils down to being "unequally yoked".

I'm 58 and at a total loss as to how to go on.

Mugs, your H was a nut who abused you. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed that.

At 58, you do the same things as at 48 or 38. You put one foot in front of the other. You take care of yourself. Try something new. Make a new friend. Ask for help and motivation when you need it.

As Kay pointed out to someone else, you have possibly another 40 years of life left. It's most likely going to be a lot better than the previous 40. And you may find someone later who would be a good spouse for you. You're going to be fine.

If we can get the agreement in place by March, the D could be final then. I don't know what will happen if H has any major health issues in the meantime. Right now, his MS is stable.

Mugs...I really think you need to push yourself to do this. You've got 6 months. Just do it. Six months have gone by already. Just get this part done. If he backslides afterwards health-wise, you'll be less likely to back down on the divorce. You need to take this next step towards ending it. Soon.

Mugs...you're stalling on this because it's one step closer to finality, and that's scaring you. This is something you can control, and you're not taking the wheel, possibly because you'll feel responsible for being instrumental in the divorce.

He's been slowly divorcing from you over the course of 38 years, mugs. This is just a formality, an area of the situation where YOU finally have some control. Take it. Wish him well, and move on with your life.

Mugs,
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm turning 58 in three weeks and I know how it feels to be at that juncture and just starting over again so to speak.
GreenGables gave you some very good advice so not much to add to it.
Once the agreement is in place, the worst part will be behind you, then you can focus on healing and building your life instead of looking at the broken pieces. It will all get better, you'll see.

So sorry Mugs. I spent our 10th anniversary cooped up in a small room discussing my sons special needs with WH there next to me. It was the first time we had been in the same room in over 6 months. He made no mention of the anniversary and I went home and cried for hours. Not the 10th I began planning over 2 years ago. Anyway, as I looked back on the past anniversaries, I remembered how hopelessly lonely and unfulfilled I was in my marriage. Being separated DOES sugarcoat the past somewhat. The pain of going through the divorce from an extremely abusive man erased the memories of all the painful anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas' etc. where I was rejected, abused, and belittled. Neither side of the D is a good side to be on, but being on this side provides at the least, something to look forward to in the future. Stuck in that abusive marriage and you wouldn't have that little bit of hope. (That may very well one day lead to a whole lot of happiness and fulfillment.)

My advice, plan those pivitol days ahead with loved ones and friends who make you laugh. Plan a trip. Mix it up and do something different. The past traditions probably aren't something worth lamenting about anyway.

And get that separation agreement ASAP! Feel better and be good to yourself Mugs.

Thanks everyone -- I didn't have computer access for ten days so will respond tomorrow when I've had some time to put some thoughts in order. My first reaction to all your comments is that you are all so dead on and I have to get moving on this now.

Anniversary day is in approx one week -- I thought about sending my D note to H this week, but can't make myself do it. This time of year is so full of memories for me-- all the pre-wedding planning, H's relatives coming over from overseas to stay with my parents etc. I just can't make myself do this until after "A-day" has passed. So the e-mail will go out in a couple of weeks.

He continues to be in NC with me for the most part, which in a way should make things easier, but it doesn't - just makes me more tense. Perhaps it's a tactic he's using to break down my resolve to get out.

I've started a new exercise program in the meantime, and am planning a visit to see my cousin in a few weeks. If I can get past the next three months and into the New Year without backsliding, I'll be on my way to D by next spring.

Me 58
STBXH 60
married 38 years -- H a verbal abuser and SF refuser for most of the M; possible EA with a friend (he never admitted to it ).
separated March 2010
H has been in 98% NC ever since.

There you go! Working on yourself and filling your life is the best approach!

To me, an anniversary is a time to celebrate your marriage. What is there to celebrate? If you want to terminate your marriage, then I would not do anything. I realize what you really want is a husband who makes you feel loved, but after 38 years this guy is clearly not going to so it, so I would not take any actions that promote or celebrate your marriage if your goal is divorce.

Anniversary is today so have spent the morning crying on and off and taking lorazepam.

I have never, in over 35 years, spent that day anywhere else but with stbxh -- please say a prayer for me and for him that this is all for the best and we will both find happiness ultimately.

thank you

I don't see how Valium will help, you need diversion, go out with a friend, spend time doing something you enjoy, get your mind off estranged husband. It'll get better all in due time, I know it's hard, esp. since you have so much history together, but if it isn't good history, there isn't a lot to mourn. Right now your life with him is familiar but in time, you will build a new life. I'm sorry you're going through all these emotions, I know it's hard.

Thanks-- I got through the day. Went out leaf-peeping with a friend and tried not to indulge in all the sadness.

It would be easier if our history had been all bad. but it wasn't. I tend to think about him in his good moments, while glossing over the bad. And it does hurt that he's gone totally NC since I left, though can't say as I blame him. I don't know how I would handle contact anyway -- would probably lose my resolve to stay out and wind up back where I started six years ago, when I left before. Back then I told him that the lack of intimacy (physical and emotional) was devastating me, and his response was that we just didn't "click". I went back anyway and of course things got worse. I could have dealt with the lack of sex, if only he had wanted to meet at least some of my needs. But every attempt by me to talk was met by anger and stonewalling. Or he would simoply tell me that if I couldn't deal with things, to go live with my mother.

Sorry for rambling. I start out hopeful but by this time of the day the amxiety sets in again.


Me 58; stbxh 60.
Married over 35 years.
Legally separated since March of this year.
STBXH has been NC since I left. No affair, just years of neglect and VA, some PA.

Hang in there, you have been with this abusive man for 35 years. It will take a while to heal and become "yourself" again (and get used to no one abusing or neglecting you).

I'm sorry, that must have really hurt. I've been there! I've heard instead of trying to fix a broken relationship/person, find a healthy one that works! For myself, I'm not even interested in looking, too busy taking care of my home anyway.