Offer him the same friendship and concern you would show a person who fits somewhere in your life like an old high school friend. That would mean a few cards each year and really nothing more.

If you have concerns but are afraid to get too personal with him, and thus give him the wrong idea, it might be better to talk to his brother. In fact, I think it would do you good to talk to the brother and give your side of the situation. Think about it.

You thought you were marrying someone with whom you would have some semblance of a normal life - and it never materialized. Ask him if he could do the same - give up on love, sex, children, etc. and get very little back. Be honest and tell him you don't want him to think badly of you but understand if he does.

You have to realize that this is like...getting over a death. It's going to take a few years, probably. Stop pushing yourself to process this so quickly on an emotional level. It will probably take a few Christmases, a few Anniversaries to get past before you find that you aren't so enmeshed in the loss.

This may sound um...trite, but maybe now would be a good time to take up a hobby - go to a craft store and buy what you need to get involved in a particular craft. Maybe sit down and list things to do between now and the New Year so that you are busy and focused on helping others. Perhaps this holiday and maybe next holiday too would be good opportunities to do community service - work in a soup kitchen or some other charity. I also wonder if, in your situation which is somewhat unique, you would fit into a grief counseling group. At least you could call some people and talk to the person in charge. If a grief counseling group isn't the way to go, perhaps there is another group that would be a better fit.

Thanks Sooley:

This is like a real death to me -- I've actually got an appt with my IC for Monday. She specializes in grief so I hope to find some ways of better dealing with things.

There's just a lot of loss (for me anyway) to cope with. Loss of long-time home, loss of the M. And it hurts to know H has just let go so easily ( or so it seems). I think of him often, and wonder how he is. Knowing I may never see him again feels so very strange and disorienting.

I would not be happy going back unless he were to make drastic changes. But I really feel he is incapable based on our history. And trying to caregive him while dealing with his intractabilty, would be too much.

Try not to view it as failure, but as a learning experience. For every negative thought you entertain, try to see if you can reform it into a positive thought. Remember, you cannot control his responses or lack of them, only what you are going to do. Create a good life for yourself! I wish you well.

Years ago I had a friend that was going through a divorce and she was devastated. She loved her husband, in spite of his horrendous abuse to her and her children. I remember making her a card (that's what I do) and in it I listed all of the things that are good about being divorced. You don't have to share your Doritos. You can stay up late and make noise and no one is there to complain. You don't have to fix dinner unless you want to. There's no one to answer to if you want to buy that pretty purse you don't need. You can get a puppy and don't have to discuss it with anyone first. On and on and on. I know there's loss, you will grieve each of those losses...but there's also good things, you just have to look for them and make note of them. I know, I've lost a lot of relationships, you do grieve, it is hard...but it will get better.

thanks Kay - I appreciate your posts.

I just finished reading an article that states that if you still have feelings for your spouse then you're not ready for divorce.

Hmmm -- who here wouldn't have feelings for a spouse after five, ten, 20 or more years? I don't see how one correlates to the other. Just because you still love the person doesn't mean you can be happy with that individual.

All of this because I think I do still have feelings for him. Even though he seems to have moved on and I haven't. I went on FB and saw him having a lively conversation with a mutual friend.

Seems like he's fine. I drove by our house the other day and a friend of his car ( a woman) was parked there for hours. Same thing the next day. So he's getting help.

I've asked him to transfer money into my account a few times and he finds excuses or ignores my notes. I also asked him for info I need for the separatiuon agreement. Again ignored.

This is making me sick.

It may be time to get your lawyer to be the intermediary.

Also...may I ask what you're doing there in town? I thought you were staying 300 miles away or something like that?

Hi Soolee:

I was in town to spend a few days with my brother and his family, for a family event. Brother suggested that I might feel a little more at ease about stxh if I drove by and saw that someone else was there, perhaps assisting him.

I'll give him a bit more time to respond, then I guess I'll have to to get a someone else or a lawyer involved.

That's hogwash! According to that statement, even if you're beat on, cheated on, he doesn't work, he's on drugs/alcohol, if you have any kind of humane feeling in you whatsoever, any nostalgia from spending 25 years together, you shouldn't get a divorce! ??? It doesn't take into consideration what's best for your mental or physical health or that of your kids. It doesn't consider if he's bleeding your bank account dry. It doesn't take into consideration ANYTHING, it's just a stupid statement. We weren't meant to be led around by our emotions, why not try using our brains?! Grrr! People like that author make me mad! How stupid to make such a blanket statement! I guess it struck a sore spot with me...

I agreee Kay.

The one thing I'm alittle more clear on is why I'm still having trouble detaching from H. I met him at 18 and married him at 19, so I've spent my entire adult life with him. My whole identity, or most of it, was formed around meeting his needs. Even worse, it was a very codependent realtionship because H was an abuser and I was constantly trying to "fix" him or us. I know no other life.

The fact that he seems uninterested or unwilling to reach out to me to possibly work on the M, as I see other men attempt here when their wives leave, hurts. It's like 38 years meant nothing.

But I guess I shouldn't expect anything else, since our entire married life has been this way -- with me trying to make things better, and him stonewalling an refusing to discuss. I don't think we were ever able to have even one intimate discussion about us and our problems.

It's sad.

Why am I having thoughts of going back to H?

I am really scared about these feelings. Does it mean I made a mistake in leaving? Am I crazy?

I saw that he's been posting on Twitter - something about wishing he could have been with his Mom on her deathbed (she lived in Europe). It made me feel very sad for him.

Maybe I shouldn't have left -- maybe I just should have sucked it up for another 20 years. I thought I would feel happier being out but I don't feel much better than when I was in.

How long do I give this? H hasn't reached out to me - it's like he's moved on. He's neglected me all our married life - no sex, not a whole lot of affection. The history of verbal abuse and some physical abuse too.

Why am I so tied to this man? He is still affecting my happiness, my hope for the future.

He's shown me time after time he doesn't want to fight for the marriage. Why can't I be done?

I don't think the holidays help, so I would consider that even people not going through turmoil are often overcome with emotion/depression during the holidays. There's this push to be stimulated and entwined and involved on a social level, when a lot of people are either going through issues or do not have the personality that will allow that to be done comfortably.

I think it is best to wait until weeks after the holidays are over and the decorations are packed away to revisit this. For now...my advice would be to plan out your holiday - where you'll be, gifts to buy, etc. Stay busy, and maybe ramp up your IC sessions if you feel you need to around the holidays. You can always taper off when you're feeling better again.

Thanks -- I have a session scheduled for next week.

Not feeling quite so desperate this morning -- it was seeing his Twitter post that did it. I have to remind myself not to go there again.

I really have to stay strong and stay out. I'm convinced H isn't capable of being a real husband ( i mean having an emotional connection to me), ms or no ms.

My uncle passed away this week - an uncle who STBX always said he liked. I e-mailed the news to him and asked for a picture file he had of my uncle. I got the file, but no word of condolence from H.

We spent over 35 years together. I left because he would not do anything to work on the marriage -- no discussion, no counselling -- my tears of frustration and sorrow were looked on as a giant Pain in the Butt. So because I left he has cut me off like I no longer exist, or never existed. I guess i was ok so long as I had something to give.

It just hurts so much - I wish I could angry and write him off as he has me, but I just feel so sad.

He always told me this would happen if I left. I guess I didn't really believe it. What do I want? I guess I want some miraculous change in him, but that has never happened in all the years I've known him.

I am stuck in obsessive thinking -- my only move now is to lay this all at the feet of Jesus. If we are meant to mend, it will have to come from HIM.

Hey skyblue,

Remember when he does things like this that he's validating your reasons to leave. He's showing you once again that he will never put you or your feelings first before his own. I know it sucks... just try to keep it in perspective ok? And like you said, give all of this to Jesus; that's ALWAYS a good option IMHO. Sorry you're feeling poorly sky, hope you get some clarity soon and my condolences for your loss.

Thank you Travis.

I'm sorry your marriage went down too. It's a tough time of the year for all this stuff. I wish you peace.

I need some encouragement or something.

In the past couple of days I've been feeling more and more anxious. I guess becaause it's Christmas and I've never spent a Christmas separated from stbx until now. I'm missing my house and all the things I had there that made it look nice. And I even miss H -- the good parts of him. And I'm a wreck over finances and how this is all going to work out at our ages.

How do you get through the holidays when you're feeling like you just want to crawl under a rock? I know fear and sadness are'nt good enough reasons to go back but today I'm not feeling strong enough to go through with it.

Hi skyblue - I hope you got through Christmas alright. How did your session go that you were talking about?

Personalities like his, imo, rarely make good marriage partners, skyblue. They just can't give of themselves. There may be undiagnosed personalities disorders, along with the MS.

You may be unconsciously sending him the message that his treatment/neglect of you was not all that bad, because you feel it's okay to occasionally contact him when it really isn't necessary and willingly subject yourself to his indifference/neglect.

I suggest you cut contact completely and cleanly after asking a lawyer to be your intermediary. The lawyer can send a letter telling him that all communication should be through him in the future. I don't recommend that you explain it to him because the message will lose its purpose if you do.

As an alternative, you could also ask his brother. Deep down you are engaging him to see if he will still neglect your needs like he always did, and unfortunately he does. And of course his choice not to treat you better will hurt you time and time again.

Perhaps you hoped that when you left he would be inspired to look inward and make some changes to please you and keep you. Obviously your leaving was not enough. I realize that hurts a great deal, but you do deserve better. Sometimes "better" doesn't include a changed spouse and a reconciliation. Sometimes it just means how we treat ourselves.

Hi Soolee:

Thank you for your post. I did get through Christmas but it was tough. At times I felt sort of outside of my body, if you understand. Just a strange feeling like I was on another planet.

My IC says that since I was the one who left my H doesn't owe me any kind of response, or any help in advancing the separation proceedings -- that I will have to push things along and not in any way expect his cooperation or conciliation. She also gave me some exercises to help me cope with my anxiety and obsessive thinking patterns.

In my heart of hearts I don't want to get divorced, but my heart also realizes that H can never meet my ENs. As you say, he isn't capable. I believe the feelings are there, but stuffed so far down that they're beyond his reach. I have never seen him cry over the death of a close relative or even our pets.

I know that I too am guilty of many mistakes in the M. I tolerated alot of bad behaviour for years, and when I did respond, it was emotional and resulted in alot of muddled thinking on my part. I drifted along, hoping things would get better, and of course they didn't. Five years became, ten, then 25, and then thirty, with nothing ever discussed or worked on. The MS, rather than making us close ranks and get closer, only served to heighten our differences and make the disconnect complete.

I'll be contacting a lawyer next, and trying to move thing along.
I won't be expecting anything in the way of contact from H, and I'll have to work on moving forward as best I can.

I'll keep posting here, because your comments and others really do help -- especialy when I feel like this is just too hard.

thanks.

Me: 58
Stbx - 61

married 30 plus -- separated due to neglect.