True!

Although, I know the advice is not to "pursue". Isn't repeating that (fighting for marriage) pursuing?

No, pursuing is if you try to woo him, I believe.

Stating that you are fighting for your marriage is simply stating a fact.

Plus...it'll serve to protect you in court someday (if it ever comes to that) when you are under cross examination by his attorney having to defend your exposure as a rational and professionally advised (Dr. Harley) calculated attempt to save your family and marriage.

You see...he (and his eventually attorney) WANT/NEED this to be about your mental health and vindictiveness. That way he can spin try to make this about you "being crazy and manipulative" and maybe even a detriment to your children (irrational).

By saying and repeating what Karmarose said, they can't spin it the way they wish....(but they will still try).

A waywards best defense is a good offense. The MB poster formerly known as Larry (you may recognize the name) is/has tried to do this to me after I exposed his wayward duplicity here on MB so I'm presently quite familiar with the tactic. They blow up a bunch of smokescreen focusing on the contrived motivations of the messenger so as to avoid having to answer any direct questions about their own wayward behavior. It's simply subterfuge and won't work unless you respond in anger (which only feeds the smokescreen). Stay calm...the truth is your eventual friend and will clear the smokescreen...in time.

Trust the process. You are doing great.

Now...TRY to get some sleep...this is TWO nights you've been up all night.

Mr. Wondering

Actually...

"I am fighting for our family"

MAY be better as it implies you are also fighting on behalf of your children.

Later...if under questioning about the exposure you can state something to the effect of:

"It's not like I enjoyed exposing him...it was certainly embarrassing to me to do it...but I had to TRY to get him to wake up and see what he was doing to me and the kids. From all I've read about affairs, they THRIVE in secrecy. Exposing it was the only chance I had at getting him to wake up to the hurt and devastation he was committing to me and our children"

Mr. Wondering

Well, I just never responded last night at all to that text of his and I guess it's too late now, even with the "saving our family" message. It would be a bit after the fact. I'm sure it will come up again. I DO like saving our FAMILY vs marriage...a bit stronger. He keeps insisting he is not abandoning the children, just me.

And yes, you're right, Mr. W: he wants to paint me as crazy and vindictive. I also agree about the smokescreen. SO sad.

The shocking part to me right now is his cruelty in the things he is saying with having the knowledge that he just put me through the worst pain a spouse can ever endure...

It's been suggested to me that the exposure deal could possibly be looked negative on in the courts... esp. stuff in writing like the facebook exposure.

???

That's ridiculous, because the statements were true. There is nothing wrong with exposing truth. The truth is the defense to slander and libel.

I don't know of a single case in all my years here where a court looked negatively on exposure. But I do know of scads of cases where the court looked negatively on adultery.

Don't sweat the potential court thing because it most likely will never occur. Even if you do divorce almost all divorces end up settling. The last thing most waywards want is to end up in open court defending their behavior. It is only the RARE case that ends up in court but it's important to be aware that anything you do and say, especially IN WRITING, MAY, at some point, be viewed and judged by others that have authority over you and your situation (judges, case evaluators and/or social workers).

Hopefully it will never come to that.

Have you considered changing the locks on the house???

How are you set up financially? Do you have some money in your individual name that your husband can't "take"? What about joint monies? A trip to the bank may be in order Monday morning bright and early to withdraw a substantial part (I'd say exactly 75% comprised of your 25% and your two minor children's 25%) of any joint monies such that you can protect yourself. ONE tactic of many wayward husbands is to abscond with the family money and use it to play control games with the BW. If your family is more paycheck to paycheck...you likely don't want to play any financial games because he'll see that as justification to play his own games with his weekly pay.

Mr. Wondering <---btw...I'm an attorney

Melody Lane is exactly right about threats of libel and slander.

I don't think your husband has made that specific threat yet...but it's a VERY common one wherein they attempt to manipulate you into shutting up and not exposing any further by THREATENING to go after you legally for exposing them.

It's a complete misunderstanding of the law as it relates to libel and slander. TRUTH is an absolute defense. Somehow waywards get caught up in the notion that MAYBE the betrayed spouse can't PROVE the truth so the threat may stick. They think the COULD sue you since you can't prove they had sex. After all, it's not like you have a video tape of them and they'll just deny it and "get you". But, you don't need a video tape to prove it. The circumstantial evidence is enough to convince anyone of the truth so they would end up having to PROVE they weren't having an affair. It's a stupid threat and a complete waste of time.

On top of that...the wayward never thinks the threat through to fruition. The attempt to manipulate you to stop exposing by threatening legal action...which if they ever actually pursued....would expose their behavior to the world. It's a completely counter-productive threat. IF your wayward or the OW ever threatens to sue you...just say "That's great. You realize "truth" is an absolute defense, but nonetheless I look forward to my attorney cross-examining you and OW in open court in front of our friends and families". The last place a wayward wants to be is on a witness stand.

....That will end that line of threats in it's tracks.

Mr. Wondering

OK, good to know.

On another note, H keeps texting me and the kids today. The kids have made it clear to me they are not ready to talk to him. I sent him a reply stating he needs to give them space and let them process this. I also told him he does not get to decide how they feel and react towards this.

He wants to talk to me. He says, "About us..." when I asked him what about. I do not want to talk to him if he is not ready to reconsider where he is going with this.

He is telling the kids some strange things. He is making it sound like he has been doing his own snooping on me and that I "really wanted him gone" and that I think he thinks I'm crazy or bi-polar. That's not what I ever said to anyone. I said I want him gone if he cannot commit to this marriage, do the proper work, end contact and have full transparency. Even the kids agree he should not be in the home if he cannot do that - that it is not good for me and not good for them. OH: he also keeps saying I should not have told them the truth "in this way..." about the affair.

Here's the thing: H may very well be reading everything I have written here. Perhaps he found this forum. Perhaps he put a VAR in my room or in my car...I don't know. Somehow he knows what I am saying. Can he know what the kids and I are texting??? Can he read my emails remotely somehow?

Well...here's the thing: even if he has, everything I have done has been to save this marriage! And...I have a right to have friends and support in this time of extreme betrayal. I have a right to work it out and yes, even vent at times. I'm still the one that has been trying to work a plan of restoration while he has not been.