Hi. I have been married for 12 years. Been with my husband for 2 years before that. A year and a half ago, I found out that he was unfaithful while we were engaged, then 4 years into our marriage for about 3 years, and still after that. He has been "affair free" since 2008-2009 and told me the April 2009.

I was so relieved to know I was not nuts. I wanted to forgive him. We did a four day intensive counseling which helped me understand a lot. I have done one on one counseling and some other couple counseling as well as both of us going through Celebrate Recovery.

I care about him, but I do not want to be married to him. I forgive him for it, there may be some things I might still be holding onto but I am working on them.

I feel that our whole marriage was built on lies. I have had intimacy issues since we were married. (We waited to have sex until we got married) I thought reasons were supressed memories of sexual abuse.

I am a Christian, so is he.

Can't I forgive him, but still divorce as friends?

h20blue, you are not obliged to stay married to him unless you want to recover your marriage. There is nothing wrong with forgiving him and excusing yourself from the marriage.

Dr Harley touches on this in his article on resentment.

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
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"In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree. "

Thank you for that. We have not had another affair after our "recovery process". I would say we are still in that recovery process as I am not wanting to move forward, but he is. I don't know how long we should wait before we make changes for the next stage...

h20, every person gets to decide for themselves if they are cut out for recovery. Some are not. And when there are no children involved, it is often easier - and safer - to just move on.

oh yes, i failed to mention we have 3 kids.

we have pretended everything is ok for their sake...which often led false hopes that we are ok...with him anyway.

i told him several times.
i asked him to do different things to help our connection.
he would rather do other things that he thinks would benifit our connection.

Would you be interested in staying with him if he did things differently? Because it is very possible to recover from the affair by affair proofing the marriage and creating a romantic relationship. If you do that, then a romantic relationship replaces the resentment.