I'm a soldier on deployment in Afghanistan and going through a divorce. Before I left, yes there were problems in that my wife was certain that I was cheating on her. During my marriage I did, however, make the mistakes of talking to other women. Although the conversations were never innocent, it never went beyond that. I am yet to understand why I did that, but I did it even still. While out here in Afghanistan, my wife stopped accepting my phone calls and it became really difficult to get in touch with her. I was getting all kinds of messages via email and on facebook that she was with other men. In a particular conversation that I had with her she told me that she was leaving. Then the time came that I called her phone and another man answered, telling me that he was with my wife. Needless to say, my rage took over, but luckily I did not get in trouble as my commander and first sergeant took care of it. With that, my leave dates got bumped up by 4 months and a week later I was on a plane heading home.

When I arrived home at the airport, my sister was there to pick me up and bring me home, warning me of what I was going to see. My house was completely empty with the exception of my clothes and my exercise machine. She took everything and wrecked the place. I was hurt, furious, pretty every single emotion was flooding over me all at once. She wouldn't talk to me, she would see me unless she had to, and worse she would not let me see the kids. Now, even though the kids were not mine, her's from her previous marriage, I loved those kids as if they were mine.

Everything she had taken out of the house was reported stolen and had to be returned. There were some circumstances that made everything be brought back by the guy she was now living with. I am 29 years old, am in the military and work full time as a medic in the civilian world. My wife did not have to work and had everything taken care of, both for her and the kids. She left me for 23 year old with absolutely nothing to offer her and is on probation for drug charges. Well, I had to be faced with this kid on the day he brought everything back to my house. You want to talk about rage, if it weren't for my sisters being there, I probably would have killed him without a second of hesitation. I may not be a combat arms soldier anymore, but in that moment, my instincts took over and luckily I was able to overcome them.

I had very close ties with her family and most certainly with her kids. Those children were my life as was my wife. Even with my mistakes, God himself could not have made me cheat on my wife. I am back in Afghanistan, still surrounded by pictures of those children and it is slowly killing me. I want so much to let go of everything, but it is so hard. She still finds subtle ways to cut me now and then and there is no way I can hide from it.

How can I cope with all of this? How can I let go of everything and not go home in a little over 3 months with vengeance on my heart and mind? How can I put 4 children out of my mind, knowing that I would give my life for them in split second? How can I face this and not let it continue to drive me insane?

I don't know what time it is over there but it's 5:30 am EST. And responses tend to be slower on the weekends.

Have you read up about exposing this affair?

You also need to not let WW have access to any financial support that will enable her to carry on her affair.

Usually people are advised to do a plan A. Being you are deployed you can't do one for now. Though you can read the articles here on MB. Where you will learn about plan A and plan B.

Well, I officially filed for the divorce on 20July, and before I left Afghanistan to go home, I stopped all financial support to her. I moved all of my pay into a different account that she knows nothing about and has absolutely no way of knowing about. Its not like she can use the money I am earning to fund anything she does.

However, before I came home she stole numerous of my things and "so said" sold them. Not to mention took ALL the money we had in the bank including my current paycheck at that time. I was able, however, to get the paycheck back.

As far as exposing the affair, I can't afford to do that. However, she did send messages from her phone to my email admitting to having multiple affairs during our marriage. All I can do with that is keep her from getting alimony during the final hearing for our divorce.

As far as a plan A and plan B, I am working on a plan B, but it is definitely not easy. Plan A was most certainly to have a long life and a happy life with my wife and her kids. Needless to say, that plan was ruined. I just wish I knew how to fully cope and make the pain go away.

"Plan A was most certainly to have a long life and a happy life with my wife and her kids. Needless to say, that plan was ruined."

That is not what is meant by doing a plan A.

It does not cost money to expose.

Being you filed for a divorce then that's what you want. I meant the surviving an affair section.

I'm not really sure I know exactly what you mean.

Neither I about what this comment means. Exactly what are you confused about?

I think he means this, Road. Your meaning is hard to grasp sometimes.

That is what I'm confused about, but also what do you mean it doesn't cost money to expose the affair? In my mind, exposing the affair would mean me taking her to court for adultery and that definitely costs money. So, if you could explain what you mean, that would help.

BDS,

Your problems seem to stem from when you were "talking to other women". Could you please explain what this means? Were you meeting specific women at work, or in social places, and spending time with them? Did you maintain text or email correspondence with them? Did you work with them, and go for breaks during which you talked intimately to them? How far did this "talking" go?

"Talking to women" in a way that upset your wife is a form of unfaithfulness. You allowed yourself to breach a boundary with those women that should have been maintained in a marriage. The only woman that you should have been "talking" intimately to is your wife. The result of your activity and your absence while deployed is that she withdrew from the marriage and eventually moved on.

I'm not sure what help you are asking for here. As TheRoad said, you filed for divorce, so you must at some point have decided that you wanted to end the marriage. Are you seeking help with the grief that you feel?

How long have you been married? Why did your wife's first marriage break up? How old is she, and how old are the children? Do they have contact with their father?

You are still young and have no children with this woman. You caused a breech in your marriage by forming relationships with other women. Your wife has behaved badly by "stealing" your possessions and money and taking up with a criminal 23 year-old. She does not sound like marriage material to me.

It will be hard to get through the grief. Your post talked a lot about the children, who are not yours. You will miss them badly, but you filed for divorce and it seems to me the best thing is for you to move on from this mess. The grief will lessen in time.

Exposing here on MB means letting people who are close to you, your wife and her affair partner know about the affair. If the affair partner is married, his wife should be the first person to be told.

Exposure to people who care about you and the marriage gives the betrayed spouse support, and bring the wayward spouse under pressure from the disapproval of family.

Exposure to the other betrayed spouse (his wife) puts pressure on OM to stop the affair. OM typically have affairs to have a "bit on the side" and not to leave their own marriages. They usually have a good set-up at home with a loving wife who takes care of their happy children and comfortable home. When confronted by his wife and told to choose, a "cake-eating" OM will drop the "bit on the side" and end the affair (although the affair partners often sneak around for a while longer, texting and meeting to squeeze the last drop of excitement from the illicit relationship). A married OM will get away with as much as he thinks he can, but will stop when the unpleasantness at home outweighs the thrill of the affair. The WW will soon see, when he doesn't leave his wife, that that she is not an option for him; she is just a bit of free sex. This might cause her to end the affair.

Exposure to the children clears up confusion that they will certainly be feeling about why their step/parents are not getting on. Children often think that this is caused by something they did, and they need to be told the truth. This usually creates additional pressure for the WS to do the right thing and stop hurting the family, because the children will tackle to WW on her behaviour and ask her to stop.

Exposure is an important tool in fighting an affair and letting people know that your wife's version of events - "we just fell out of love" or "our problems have nothing to do with my new man" - is untrue.

SC,

The women that I was having these conversations with, were nothing more than acquaintances. I did not work with any of them. Nothing EVER went beyond words in the conversations, as there was NEVER any physical interaction between me and any of them. I know that by me doing this, I did cause a breech in my marriage, and for that I have been living in solid agony. I know that I caused great damage in my marriage, and nothing will ever bring that back.

I filed for the divorce upon arriving back home on leave, mostly out of hurt and anger, and also because she made it clear that she wanted the divorce and nothing else. That was by far the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, simply because my life and my world revolved around that woman and those children.

As far as this other guy goes, there is no one to tell because he is not married. He didn't have anyone in his life other than a daughter that he can't support. As far as her other marriage, I really don't know what broke it up. Her side is that he was unfaithful and abusive, and his side is that she was unfaithful. I really have no idea.

The kids. I miss so much, it hurts unbelievably. Their ages are 10, 9, 8, and 6. Two boys and two girls. I never would have imagined loving children that weren't mine as much I love them. Their mother, I was head over heals in love with her from the moment I met her.

I could never be excused for what I did, for talking to other women. All it was were conversations via text messages and email, and the occasional phone call. That was all there ever was to any of it. I will always hold so much regret in my heart for what I did, because I'll always know that it was me that pushed her away.

I know that her actions are very inexcusable. I just wish that I could make all of this go away and my marriage still be intact. I should have known, though, that after only almost a year of marriage, a deployment was way too soon. We were married for just one day shy of 16 months when I filed for the divorce. The divorce was never what I wanted, but like I said, I extremely hurt and angry when I did it.

You need to read the articles section, red band on top towards the right click on "articles"

You need to get up to speed with your MB knowledge. Such what exposure is and how to do it.

Most wives don't throw their husband away unless they have an OM lined up to replace you. This makes me feel your wife is using conversations with other ladies as an excuse to ask for a divorce while she has been cheating on you.

You don't want a divorce then tell your lawyer to stop the proceedings.

How did you meet your wife?

Was she divorced then?

BDS,

Her actions were inexcusable but so were yours. I'm not sure you grasp even now how wrong it was to to be emotionally unfaithful by "talking to other women". It was flirting and getting emotional (and perhaps sexual) thrills from other women, and I think you must have known this, since I doubt you told your wife about it.

You were emotionally unfaithful about one year into the marriage and by 16 months in, she had been physically unfaithful and you were filing for divorce. This is a mess best left behind, in my opinion. Neither of you seem to have understood the obligations of marriage.

You were very young to have married a previously-married woman with four children. Were there no warning sounds in the conflicting stories of her previous divorce? How long had you known her on marriage? How well do you think you really knew her?

Once again, how old is she?

There is no doubt in mind that I was wrong for what I did, and I know I am totally inexcusable for my actions. I know all too well that I was emotionally unfaithful. Well, I know it now. At the time, it was nothing more than a thrill, and I really did understand the depth of it, I just looked at it as a conversation that would lead to nothing. At least, I knew I wouldn't let it lead to anything.

To be honest, we didn't know each other for very long before getting married. Like I said, I fell in love with her the moment I met her. We were together 3 months before I proposed, and another 3 months before the wedding. So, we were together 6 months before getting married. I know it was a hasty decision, but it felt so right. As for her age, she is 27 now.

When I asked her to marry me, I really did think I knew her. I could just about predict everything she would do from the moment she woke up in the morning. I knew very much that I wanted to be married and that I wanted a family so badly. Maybe on some level, I really didn't know the magnitude of what I was getting myself into. I mean, we did argue a lot, over a lot of things. Some petty, some major. Then again, everyone argues, so I really never saw a need to look for red flags.

As far as her previous marriage, my knowledge of what happened is not all that great. During out marriage, I didn't really get along with her ex, and he was scared and wouldn't come around me. However, when I was home on leave, if it weren't for him, I would have not had the opportunity to see the kids. When he allowed me the opportunity to go to HIS house and visit with the kids, he and I got to talking over a few beers and that's when he told me about the things she had done. Knowing that, it was a story from her and a story from him. I mean, take that for what its worth, ya know?

Road,

The first time I met my wife was when I was working my second job as a security guard at a local club where I live. We talked for a while before we actually started dating and living together. When we first got together, her divorce was not final, she was waiting for her papers for almost 3 years at the time. She received her papers not very long after we were together, and then I asked her to marry me after she got the papers.

I have tried to make sense of everything that has happened, with her leaving and everything. So many things make sense, but its almost as though I don't want to fully believe any of it. I have shed more tears over this woman and over our failed marriage than I probably have in my entire life. Like I told SugarCane, regardless of us only being together for 6 months before marrying, I fell head over heals in love with her. I totally thought she was the one.

This last post shows that your WW was not marriage material by willing to date before she was divorced. You ignoring this fact shows that you were not ready to date period. You do not date married women.

Being your young and still can have kids divorce this WW. Be happy that you can make a clean break.

Learn what makes good wife material.

When we started dating, she wasn't married. She had filed 3 years prior, just had not gotten the final papers. Dating a married woman is NOT something I would EVER do. I know all too well that it is an ultimately wrong thing to do.

As far as me not wanting to date period when we started dating, that's not true. I very much wanted to date her and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I honestly would not have guessed, in a million years, that she was not good wife material.

Good wife material. What does that mean anyway?

Filling/filled does not mean divorced.

Separated, legal or not does not mean divorced.

Waiting for papers does not mean divorced.

You dated a married woman.


**EDIT**

BDS,

Working backwards from what you have written, it sounds as if she had her first child at 17 and was separated by about age 22, having had four children in that time. Whilst I don't think that young marriage or young parenthood makes a person "not good wife material", she had gone through a lot from a very young age and should have taken time to bring up her children and grow up a bit before marrying again. Certainly she should have waited until her divorce was final before becoming serious with anyone. The three years she had to wait would have been a GOOD thing if she had used that time to to fully recover from her marriage and grow up.

According to her exH, she was unfaithful to him. You didn't know whether this was true or not (and still don't), but you went into marriage anyway, after only a short relationship and without thinking carefully about her life since age 17. You do not appear to have thought about whether she was ready to be married. You didn't see her past as a red flag, which might be what TheRoad meant by saying that you were not "ready" (not "not wanting", as you wrote) to date anyone. You were young yourself and you did not think through the implications your wife's past - or your lack of knowledge about it.

"Good wife material" means someone who wants to be married to you, faithfully for life, who understands the obligations of marriage. She would appear willing to work through the problems that arise in marriage. She might be cautious about getting married again while her four traumatised children are still young. She would put a lot of thought and care into getting married again, if she had children. She probably wouldn't marry someone quickly and without care, just months after her divorce came through.

Many people who appear to be "good marriage material" turn out not to be, but we cannot always see that coming. In your wife's case, the signs were not good from the start. I would say the same for you at the time, given your lack of foresight when marrying her and then your almost immediate unfaithfulness.

I think you too have a lot of growing up to do before you date anyone else. Oh, and please wait until you are legally divorced to do so. It is for the best in the long run to put much time between this relationship and another.

SC,

You made a lot of sense in your post and I really appreciate the insight. To be honest, it wasn't until after everything had happened and I was home on leave that I found out about what my ex had done in her previous marriage. Had I known this previously, I would have definitely done things differently. To be honest, as far as her kids go, I fell in love with them just as much I did with her.

I promise, it will definitely be quite a while before I get into another relationship. Going through everything that I have to go through, especially the way I have to go through it, has really given me a whole new outlook on everything. Its bad enough having to get over everything being way out here, but having to return home and face everything all over again in a few months is not something that I am ready for or looking forward to. It was hard enough having to go home on leave to an empty house and sleep in it by myself for those few weeks, but now have to go right back to that. It was hard being use to waking up to the sound of the kids playing and having my wife next to me, to having absolutely none of that.

I know that I should have been more open to the signs and paid closer attention to the red flags, and I wish I had. Not knowing all of that and not paying attention to everything, as well as the mistakes that I made, has all cost me so much pain and regret, that I just wish I could make it all go away forever. I guess all I can do is continue to pray and get ready to bite the bullet once again upon returning home, right?