First time poster here. Been following the forum for a few months now.

My stats
Me: BW, 34 WH, 35
Married 10 yrs
2 children 3yr old son & 1 yr old daughter
D-Day August 6, 2010

Brief recovery for 3 weeks in August, but NC was broken on Sept 8 and since then WH refuses to end contact with OW. Been in counseling with Steve for past 3 weeks. Have been given very good advice. Was in Plan A for 4 weeks, then went to Plan B on Oct 7. Plan B letter was pretty similar to Plan B letter in Surviving An Affair.

Well Saturday WH contacted me via e-mail asking when he could come pick-up stuff at home and when he could see the kids. Being in Plan B I forwarded the e-mail to my IM and let them respond to WH. Once IM responded to his e-mail WH got very angry and accused me of manipulating him and not making this split amicable. I read the e-mail the IM sent him and the only content was answering his questions of when he could pick up his stuff and when he could see the kids. WH then texts me accusing me of dictating terms of when he can come to the house and when he can see kids. He is also accusing me of using the kids to manipulate him. I clearly stated in Plan B letter that he was welcome to see kids but that it had to be arranged through IM. Well WH is refusing to go through IM to communicate. I have remained dark and whenever I receive an e-mail or text I forward it to the IM. My question is what can I do since WH refuses to use IM. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Sorry you are going thru this.
If you WH refuses to go thru the IM then he will not be able to see the kids.
Once he is able to communicate in a manner that is agreable to you then things can be worked out.
Unless your WH prefers to go thru a lawyer, in that case I am sure you will line up your own lawyer as well and communication will be done thru your respective attorneys
blessing

Set up a block on your email immediately.
Preferably one that will bounce back his emails to him so he knows they are not getting through. And block his texts too.

1. You shouldn't be reading his emails. This is for YOUR protection. You do not need to know what he is saying, or speculating on his meanings...
2. You've accomodated him. There is no reason for him to use your IM's because you are RESPONDING to his direct contact. Even though you are sending your replies back through the IM, his initial messages are still getting though and he's getting his answers.

IGNORE any further email from him until you get the block in place. If he doesn't use the IM, his messages do not get through, understand??? You have to train him. He only gets a reply if he uses the proper procedure.

What atena and Lexxxy said. He is trying to break down your defenses so he can still have both a wife and a girlfriend. Expect him to try to bully you into caving in. Don't.


Yeah, like his lying to you so he could have an affair was not HIM manipulating YOU . . . but anyway . . .

Be aware that WS almost always have the fantasy they can have both a single life AND a family life. When that collapses, as it as for him, they usually move on to the fantasy that they can have the same thing in divorce that they wanted in marriage: both a single life AND a family life.

You may want to read the following MB thread so you will be prepared for this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Anytime a WS says something about an "amicable separation" or an "amicable divorce", they are really talking about a Fantasy Divorce. Be prepared.

Don�t worry about his threats or anger. It�s normal to someone that can�t accept the new reality. The fact is that the only communications truly necessary between exes is the coordination of the stuff with the kids in terms of when they can pick them up.

I very strongly advise you to setup a formal visitation schedule that doesn�t involve any interaction with him in order to keep you away from the contact. This means he could pick the kids up at school or at a daycare on his scheduled days.

Then follow a standard advised to me by a court appointed parenting coordinator. She told me that there was no need to communicate on the phone with the ex for any reason unless someone was about to die or it was a real emergency. Simple parenting things can be figured out by either parent and should not be addressed.

The key for you is to stay dark and very consistent and be prepared to call for the police if necessary. I advise you to make things official, however, and set the paperwork legally. You otherwise have no legal protection if he moves back into the house since there�s nothing legally preventing him from doing so.

You�ll get to a point where you�re literally scanning any sent emails by the ex and looking for the relevant info while you ignore the rest, but that takes a while to get to emotionally.

They eventually get it when you respond with simple one or two sentence responses.

If he moved out, then I�d file for abandonment, adultery, and request sole physical and legal custody of the children. I�m a believer in 50/50, but not with an active wayward and one who will expose the children to the paramour (OW).

Follow SH�s advice, but understand that he can move right back in unless you have legal papers saying otherwise.

When you receive any messages(although now that you are going to block him, you won't right. ), you IGNORE them. You don't pass them to the IMs to get a response to them. He needs to know that you are serious and that you will not cave. It may take some time for him to get on board with using the IMS. Also, do your IMs know how to filter the messages for you? You need to get this done for your own personal protection.

Have you read my thread at all? I think I went into Plan B around page 44. You will see that my WH refused to use the IMS at first and he emailed me directly saying that I was using the kids as pawns, sound familiar? I stayed dark. I was advised to ignore anything not sent to the IMs. I had to unplug my answering machine because WH continuously left messages.

Did you put any visitation schedule in your Plan B letter? You could add an addendum to your Plan B letter now through your IMs that would allow your WH access to your children on the schedule that you want. Where would your WH see the children? He isn't coming into your house is he? Also, how are the pick ups and drop offs going to work?

Plan B is supposed to be a pre-lude to what a D would look like. It's not only for him to see, but you too.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have blocked his e-mails and I am trying to figure out how to block his texts. Does anyone know how to block text messages with ATT? Everything that I have found seems to indicate that it is not possible to block wireless numbers from ATT.

Lexxxy, thanks for your suggestion. I realize now that I should have never answered his e-mails & texts even if it was through the IM. Makes so much sense don't know why I didn't see the bad precedent I was setting up. Will make sure from now on not to respond to any communication unless it goes through the IM.

Mulan, thanks for the link very helpful. I very much believe that WH is wanting the fantasy of a single life and a family life, which I am not for. I think he truly believed that I would let him come to the house whenever he wanted to spend time with the kids and then he would be able to leave and be with the OW. I guess that is why he was so angry with the Plan B letter.

Helpthelostdads, thanks for your suggestion of setting up a formal visitation schedule. That seems like it would be the best plan then there could be no accusations of visitation not being fair or me using the kids to manipulate him.

Scotland, thanks also for your reply. I will have to look at your thread since my WH seems to be using the same line as yours. I will work on getting a visitation schedule worked out. He has moved out of the house and only comes to pick up the kids. My mom has been at the house for the hand off so that I do not have to have any contact with him. Going forward I will probably have him pick up the kids at my moms house so there is no chance of him trying to bully his way into the house. I am setting up an appointment with a lawyer to find out all my rights regarding the children and house.

Should I send an addendum to the Plan B letter through the IM stating that I am blocking all his e-mails & text messages. And that if he wants to see the kids all communication must go through the IM?

Thanks everyone for your help. Don't know why it took so long for me to finally post here. Y'all have been great.

If your Plan B letter was based on the one in SAA you already told him that all of your communications should go through the IMs.

In a dark Plan B, even messages through the IMs should be kept to a minimum.

I think it is a good idea that you have the drop offs and pick ups be at your moms. That way you can control contact between you and your WH(hint: NC in Plan B).

This is going to be a rough few days for you. You are going to go through all of the stages of grief. You can come on here and post, and if it is slow, read some threads and see what advice they were given. You will see your WH echoed again and again. I would even suggest that you read Hope_eternal's thread too, her WH sounds like mine too. Thing is, MOST waywards sound alike. It seems they read from the same script and share one brain.

Hang tough, you can do this.

Ok so new question here. I have blocked e-mails and text messages. Tomorrow is WH day to have the kids. I am pretty sure at some point he is going to try and contact me to find out when and where to pick up the kids. Since I have blocked him from e-mail & text I will not be getting the messages. Should I have the IM send him a message letting him know when & where to get the kids? Or should I just say nothing and let him figure out that if he wants an answer he needs to go through IM. Thanks so much for y'alls help.

Scotland, am reading your thread right now am about half way through, boy is it long. All I can say is that you are amazingly strong. I am getting so much strength and encouragement by reading your story. Thanks for sharing and showing us newbies how it can be done.

He should already know to go through the IM, if he can't do that then oh well.

Did you have an addendum to your Plan B letter telling him when and where he picks up the kids? As long as it has already been made clear, he needs to pull on his big boy pants and take care of himself. If, on the other hand, you hadn't already written it, sending a message through the IMs is acceptable. Your IMs should be used as seldom as possible. Stay dark

Now, as far as my thread, yes it IS long. I have been here for almost a year, I can't believe it. I am not perfect though. I have made my share of mistakes and I never feel worthy of being looked up to. (Gee can you tell I am a person who can't accept a compliment? ) I just confessed yesterday for having somewhat taken over the email IM duties for myself. I would NOT recommend it AT ALL. It hurt me. It hurt my Plan B. It is AWFUL. I have corrected it.

Stay Strong.