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i am new to this so here goes!! i found out on may 25th of this year that my husband of 12 years was having an affair for 2 months with a woman in the state where he works. our marriage has not been great for 8 years but when i found out i was crushed and headed to the lawyer within a week. he came home 3 weeks later and we decided to work it out because we have 3 children and it was worth it to us to try to make this thing work. he tells me that the feelings he has for her are the strongest feelings he has ever had for someone and that he hates and resents me for how i treated for 8 years. he also says he has to develop his feelings for me and i don't know what to say to that i mean i have been with him for 17 years and he has only known her for 3 months. what do i do? i have read surviving an affair and it has provided suome much needed advice but still confused


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Originally Posted by tcp
i have been with him for 17 years and he has only known her for 3 months. what do i do? i have read surviving an affair and it has provided suome much needed advice but still confused

Hi tcp! Welcome to Marriage Builders... smile

What you do is fall in love with each other. It really does work if you do it right. The most critical component is to spend 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. This undivided attention time should be without any children, other people and NO TV. That will create the fastest, most effective love bank deposits in the shortest amount of time.

I would sit down and actually schedule out the time at the start of each week.

A big help would be to get the book Lovebusters and go through the lessons in there to make sure you are not lovebusting. Another thing you should get is this workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love.

That is the do it yourself program. If you want professional help falling in love, I would suggest signing up for the Marriage Builders course. It is about $1000 and they send you all the material and assign you a coach who oversees your lessons. You and your H would have daily access to Dr Harley. Many of us have gone through this program and have had excellent results.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Welcome to MB, tcp.

Does your H still work in the state where he had the affair? Could you please explain to us how he comes to be working away from home? How far away is it? How often is he home?

Your H's strong feelings will continue to be strong as long as he has any contact with OW, which he is certainly having if he is still working away. He might be telling you that it is over, but if he still works away then it isn't. He is also likely to be in contact by phone, text or email. Do you have access to these to see what he is doing?

What is OW situation? Is she married, with kids? Do you know her identity? Do you have a way of contacting her H to tell him of the affair?

How old are your kids? What have they been told about the affair?

In what ways was your marriage bad for 8 years? Why does your H blame you for this? Do you think that he played a part in creating the bad conditions?

How did you find out about the affair? What makes you think it was going on for only 2 months?

I have asked a lot of questions, but your answers will help us to help you. I'm sorry that this has happened to you.


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tcp, here is the online program if you are interested: Online Program

Another great resource is the Marriage Builders radio program hosted by Dr Harley and his wife, Joyce, every week day. There is a link at the top of each page and you can listen to the rebroadcast.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ok to answer all of your questions here goes:
Does your H still work in the state where he had the affair?
*yes he does but he will only be there for another week to 10 days and then he does not have to go back
Could you please explain to us how he comes to be working away from home?
*he works in the oilfield industry and works 14 days on and 14 days he is at home
How far away is it?
*it is in Penn and we live in Louisiana
How often is he home?
*right now he is only hom 14 days
Do you have access to these to see what he is doing?
*i have access to his personal phone account but his work phone i do not and this is what he initially called her on and then one day she slipped up and called him on his personal phone and that is how i found out about the affair. i had been suspecting it for about 2 months because he went from wanting sex all the time to not wanting it but 2 or 3 times in a 14 day period and that was not him and i also caught a bacterial infection and that was always a sign when we were dating that he was cheating
What is OW situation?

Is she married, with kids?
*she is divorced with 2 kids; her husband left her because he had no feelings for her and was just tired of not feeling nething for his wife
Do you know her identity?
*yes i do know her identity and have talked to her several times over the phone
Do you have a way of contacting her H to tell him of the affair?
*they are divorced so i would not do that

How old are your kids? What have they been told about the affair?
*my children are 10, 4, 3 all girls and they have been told nothing of the affair

In what ways was your marriage bad for 8 years? Why does your H blame you for this? Do you think that he played a part in creating the bad conditions?
*i am not one to show affection and he needs constant affection shown to him and then after we had our first child and the world did not revolve around him he started to have a hard time with having to share me; because of the way i treated him; i do think he played a part because unlike him i was not being shown what i needed either

How did you find out about the affair? What makes you think it was going on for only 2 months?
*i found out the affair through phone records and intuition; he and her both told me 2 months but after i found out it went on for another month but i still believe that in some ways there is still contact; i tell him and have read the parts in the surviving an affair book about when contact is made it starts the process all over again but i don't think it registers with him.







DDay: May 25, 2010
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Originally Posted by tcp
Could you please explain to us how he comes to be working away from home?
*he works in the oilfield industry and works 14 days on and 14 days he is at home

The fact that he has a job that takes him away is going to be an impediment to recovery because you can't fall in love if you aren't meeting each others needs every day. His job also makes it very easy for him to carry on his affair. Very easy and very tempting to him.

NOW, how do you know the OW is divorced?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
NOW, how do you know the OW is divorced?
And what kind of conversations have you had with her "several times"?

Beyond a single "your affair with my H is OVER" call, you should not be speaking to her. She is not your friend.

Is she connected to his work? How did they meet?


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i have a fake facebook page and her ex is my friend so that is how i know they are divorced


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she is not connected to his work. they were introduced through one of his coworkers who was having an affair on his wife with one of his friends.


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I know she is not by friend but one day my woman's intuition kicked in and on a whim i called her and found out that she was going to spend the weekend with him while he was working an extra week in west virginia. he denied it but then confessed to it when he did not call my daughters to talk to them that night.


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tcp,

You are going to have to go to war if you want this affair to end and if you want to build a good marriage.

It is very likely that since you found out in May, contact has not stopped or even significantly reduced. After your H stops travelling in 2 weeks, it will simply continue by phone, email and text unless you bring him on board with the need for NC. I know that the two states are a long way apart, but obsessive affairees will take drastic steps to see each other and get their fix.

I live in London and my H's FOW lives a couple of hundred miles away in Belgium. On or after various D Days, when the affair was in crisis, my H would go on day trips to Belgium; you can get there in about 4 hours from my house, by train. While the PA was active, OW had a job that required travel about 4 times per year, and some trips were to London.

After my H gave up travelling, they kept the EA going for another 6 months by phone at work, until I exposed to her H and he made her give up her job.

You have to take a stand against the contact which YOU KNOW is continuing. If your H is soon to give up travelling, and if this is for good, then he need not give up his job. However, you know that he will se her on that next trip; he really should not go on it at all.

My H simply refused to travel for his company after I said I was leaving one day, and he moved heaven and earth to get other people to go abroad in his place. It took six months for him to find an internal post in his company that did not require travel, but when he knew I would leave if he ever went abroad again, he never did it. He persuaded other people to go instead. He told the company that his marriage was in trouble and they were very tolerant, although I am quite sure they were not pleased at the disruption he caused.

You need to make it clear to your H that you will not tolerate his contacting his ho and then telling you about his feelings for her.

At the same time, you need to work LIKE STINK on your marriage. As MelodyLane says, it needs to be turned around by the two of you spending 20+ hours per week alone together, doing pleasurable things that build intimacy. If you do not build the intimacy back into your marriage, it will not recover from the affair.


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He tells me that he has not seen or talked to her and i have att family map on my phone and he is where he says he is when i ask but the thing that gets me is his work phone that he still has. i feel that they are still contacting each other that wasy but while he is home there is no contact on my home phone or his cell phone and he does not have the work phone at home. i also have access to his facebook, email and cell phone password. his birthday was sept 8th and i intercepted a text from her that said happy birthday baby miss you like crazy and then he texted her back thanks miss you too and then i made him text her to tell her that i did not appreciate he texting my husband still and he did it but then he went back to work and she text him 2 more times so i text her and told her to leave him alone and then we changed his number so there has been no contact on his cell phone since then.


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My husband and i had a long talk last night because he is in penn and i just have a hard time dealing with things when he is gone and he assured me that he has had no contact with this girl but i just don't believe it!! I know I should start to trust him but when does that begin? I trust him when he is home but when he is up there in what i call devil country i just cannot!! He says he understands but i don't feel that he does understand. I just want things to be better but it seems i am the one who has read all the books but I am the one who keeps bringing up things about his affair. What should I do? I am so confused right now!!!


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Originally Posted by tcp
he went from wanting sex all the time to not wanting it but 2 or 3 times in a 14 day period and that was not him and i also caught a bacterial infection and that was always a sign when we were dating that he was cheating
I don't know how to do the little waving red flag smiley, but I'd put about three after this statement. Catching a bacterial infection was "always" a sign that he had been cheating while you were dating?

So he is a serial cheater, who does not use condoms, and is not too concerned that his wife ends up sharing a disease with him and his current bang-buddy?

I know that you are hurting and confused, and the experienced posters here will help you with your questions. But first and foremost, even before addressing whether your marriage can survive the infidelity, is to make sure that YOUR HEALTH can survive the infidelity. You should not expose yourself to his risky behavior.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
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after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

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do not dwell on the past.
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Originally Posted by tcp
My husband and i had a long talk last night because he is in penn and i just have a hard time dealing with things when he is gone and he assured me that he has had no contact with this girl but i just don't believe it!!

You shouldn't believe it. He will not tell you the truth. A better solution is to have indepedent verification of his faithfulness. You can't have that as long as he travels away.;

Quote
I know I should start to trust him but when does that begin? I trust him when he is home but when he is up there in what i call devil country i just cannot!!

Yep. Your instincts are right. You should be very worried, becuase until the conditions that led to the affair are changed, it is very likely the affair will continue.

Quote
He says he understands but i don't feel that he does understand. I just want things to be better but it seems i am the one who has read all the books but I am the one who keeps bringing up things about his affair. What should I do? I am so confused right now!!!


Tell him he needs to find another job where you are home together every night. The current situation led to an affair before, it will do so again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley in Requirements for Recovery
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I went to the dr and had a complete work up and it showed nothing so i am clean!!


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He has a new job where he will be home every night but it does not start until the 27th of this month and then we have to move, sell our house, put our kids in a new school, i have to find another job and the drama just keeps continuing in my life!!! so much for trying to work on our marriage!!


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You have such great advice but why should i not believe him when he tells me he is not seeing her ne more??


DDay: May 25, 2010
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Originally Posted by tcp
You have such great advice but why should i not believe him when he tells me he is not seeing her ne more??

Because he is a liar! All cheaters lie. And he doesn't have to SEE her to continue the affair. He has ample opportunity to carry on the affair via internet, text or phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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