Hello everybody, I was posting in the �Surviving� forum around this time last year. My wife had started an online affair that turned physical; some of you may remember me. I ended up divorcing my wife and spent a long time getting my head screwed on straight. I came here today because I need some more advice, imagine that!
This is not going to sound good, but here goes. I will hit the high points because the whole story is very long.
Last year during my exposure of OM I ended up contacting his then girlfriend, we started communicating on a regular basis and before long we were in our own relationship.
She lives on the west coast and I�m in Ga. She made the trip out here last March, the day my divorce was final. She stayed for a week and we had a very nice time.
She says it�s my turn to come see her so she is making plans for me to come to her for Thanksgiving. Here is the part were I make myself sound like a heel�.I�m not going; in fact I�m ready to end the relationship completely. It has been very hard for me coming to this conclusion, I will not make any excuses for myself, I made a mistake starting this relationship before I was ready. I used her and she used me to get thru a tough time but now it�s over and we can�t continue like this. I don�t want to break her heart, but I don�t see any way around it. This fear just makes me delay what I know needs to be done.
Have any of you that are recently divorced made mistakes similar to mine? What did you do? Feel free to yell at me if you want. Thanks in advance.

No yelling, it's a common trap to fall into, esp. when we've had a wayward destroy our esteem. But I agree with you, you went into this relationship too soon...just try to give yourself some time now to get to know yourself solo and heal. Be honest and candid with her and let her know what you appreciate and how she's a lovely person, etc. but it's just too soon, you aren't ready, the distance is too great, etc. Good luck, I know breaking hearts is no fun!

Thank you for the postive feedback. I really do feel rotten.

I'm not going to yell either. But, you need to tell her asap. Probably she won't be entirely surprised. A long distance relationship has certain built in protections. You sort of get teh comfort of being in a relationship without getting deeply emotionally attached. Most of it lives in the realm of imagaination, or some day.

I have what I guess she would consider a character flaw; I have extreme little patience with people now. I didn�t try to become callous; I just woke up that way. It�s one strike and you�re out now as far as matters of the heart are concerned.
Her strike came a few weeks ago�.as it turns out she has a very controlling nature.
She is 3 hours behind me being on the west coast, so a lot of times I�m going to bed while she is out with her friends. One night she sent me a text from the pub where she likes to hang out with her friends, it was about 1:30 am. No big deal�I told her to have fun and drink one for me. I sleep the rest of the night, rise at 6:15, stretch, shower, drink coffee, and get ready for work. I grab my phone and leave the house at 6:50. when I get into my truck I look at my phone and I have 5 missed calls and 3 text messages, all from her, all from between 6:20 to 6:40. WOW!! Naturally I think something must be wrong so I call her.
This is what I hear���Where the f*** have you been and why are you ignoring my calls�? I'm dumbfounded, incredulous. To make a long story short, she went off on me. I went on to point out that she was the one that spent all night out. (I forgot to mention that she was just getting home).
I heard all I needed to hear that morning. That was her strike one, her one and only strike one. She changed everything with her little outburst. I can�t overlook it. I won�t overlook it.
It�s time for me to do the human thing and let her go. As evil as I sound, I do care for her, and it�s weighing on me what I have to do. But we will be better for it in the long run. Thanks for letting me vent!

It's not pleasant, but sometimes incidents like these can tell you more about a person than spending a whole week doing fun stuff can.

I found that after the my first divorce, my fuse was alot shorter. As soon as my second husband shoved and yelled at my children, he was out the door. (Of course, I should have seen that coming before I said "I do").

It's hard, but it's way better to call her now and tell her it's not going to work than it would be to keep trying to make it work. It just gets worse.

Did you ever ask her what in the world prompted her nasty outburst? Why would she treat you like that? It probably has more to do with her past experience with someone else than with you personally. Has she been cheated on in past relationships? At any rate, she needs to deal with her own baggage but I sure would let her know what changed for you and why so she can be aware of something she needs to look at in her own life.

We all have things we decide are deal breakers, it sounds like this was one for you. I don't think I'd want to spend my life with someone that I knew could go off on me out of the blue at any moment. I mean for crying out loud, you can be in the shower, in a deep sleep, your battery could be dead, anything could happen! (Something to keep in mind for long distance relationships, we aren't seeing what's going on on the other end when we're trying to make contact with them.)

An absolute deal breaker! It caught me so off guard when she was dropping the �f-bombs� that I was left speechless, I just sort of chuckled once.
Her rational was...we are separated by so much distance the phone becomes the lifeline of our relationship. I have always answered before when she has called that early. There must be something wrong with our relationship or I�m lying in a ditch somewhere since I didn�t answer�.A real puzzler.
In truth I started getting glimpses of it every so often early on in our relationship, but nothing really to compare with that morning.
If she called and I couldn�t answer she waited 45 seconds and called back. I missed two calls in a row one day because I was on top of a ladder. I called her back as soon as I came down. I could tell by the tone in of her voice that she was miffed. Her exact words after hello were��so why have you stopped taking my calls today�. Headcase?? I just kind of laughed it off, but it made me think.
What�s funny are the text messages. And when I say funny I mean in a scary, horror movie sort of way. The three that she sent that morning were�.1. �Good morning, are you on your way to work�? 2. �Hello?? Really??" 3. �well if you�re not going to answer your phone at least send me a text and let me know you are receiving this.!�
Maybe I am completely wrong; I always assumed that if someone were away from their phone and couldn�t answer then it would be logical that they wouldn�t be able to send a text either!! But that�s just me. I pointed this out to her, she failed to see the humor in it.

Wow! Personally, I'd be glad she isn't close by, it sounds like she has a short fuse. It'd be nice to be in a relationship with someone who believed the best instead of the worst.

TTF! Remember me!? Opt! I was on your thread a fair amount.

I was glad to see you back, sorry for the circumstances, but I guess this is all part of the learning process.
Sounds to me like she was even less ready for a relationship than you were. At least you had the benefit of recovering somewhat by having knowledge form here and support from us.
Well you fell into a very well-worn trap, I can totally see how that could happen. I'm glad you're getting yourself out mostly unscathed. Although I bet it's tough to walk away even though she has shown signs of being a LBer expert; you developed feelings for her and I suppose your logic is fuzzy. You're definitely doing the right thing, though for what it's worth from me.

Her outburst reminds me of a scene I've played over in my mind that happened before I married exWW. She blew up at me in the car for the first time "Who do you think you are?.....and from someone that's supposed to love me!!" some blather like that. I've thought so many times I should have just walked away right there, just got out of the car (at the next stop sign, lol) and walked. But I suppose without the benefit of knowing what I was doing or why, I would have "walked" right into another similar situation with someone else who had the same tendencies.

Well, with this situation, you TTF, have run into a clearly identifiable deal-breaker; a LB of mammoth proportions, and you also now have the benefit of knowing why it's important to get out while you can: she ain't gonna change. Keep working on yourself and become the type of person who doesn't attract people with those flaws. You are so on the right track, I think.

Take care, man.

opt

By the way. She's not going to "get it." You'll have to stand very strong. I hope you'll come back for support - you'll get help here.

No, but I see the humor in it. Crack me up.


bears highlighting I think, just in general. Thanks for that Gg.

o

I do remember you Opt, Very good to see you again. I need to catch up on what�s been going on in the lives of my friends here.

I think probably the tendency for us to jump right back into relationships after divorce is a measure of self preservation. I know in my case, when I could focus all my attention on this fairy tale it became much easier to deal with what was going on in my life. It is completely unfair to the other person, that�s why I feel so bad.
I�ve never gave to much thought to the �insanity defense�, but I�m sure that I was �out there� for a few months.

I know it's a "hot button" for me, but your post and description of OW raises a lot of - particularly in the area of personality disorders. If your OW has one or more, you're better off learning this now.

I think your one-strike rule is right on. At least in this case!

Thanks for the comments my friends.
This is really a bad time of year for me to be doing this; however I know there is no good time.
I�m not meaning to go off on a tangent here but�do any of you have a hard time during the holidays? This is my favorite time of year here in beautiful North Georgia. This time of year I�m usually traveling to the mountains every weekend going to festivals and just generally enjoying the Fall.
For about the last five or six years I (we) have (had) been going to Asheville N.C. the week before Christmas. The candle light tour of Biltmore is awesome if you ever get a chance to go.
I am not trying to bring everyone down this morning, especially myself. I�m just curious as to how it�s all going to unfold this year. I genuinely would like to do some of the things alone, or with a friend, that my former wife and I used to do. But honesty compels me to say, I don�t know if that�s a good idea. Any thoughts?

Got your story now timetofly...., I know, holiday seasons are tough to be alone.

I don't know how old your long-distance GF is, but to be out partying around till 4am her time??? Does she do this often? I also tend to think that she must have been cheated on in the past.

She does do this often�very often.
I got into this relationship on the rebound from the destruction of my marriage. Running from reality�.I really made a huge mistake. Now I feel guilty because I have to end it, correction, I want to end it.
It all seemed perfectly logical to me at the time, when I was cultivating this relationship. But looking back I can see how wrong I was. There are way to many compatibility issues, not to mention a huge geographical issue to deal with.
I feel that after all I�ve been thru I owe it to myself to be as careful as possible with future relationships. I think there comes a time when you have to place yourself on a pedestal. I have to do what is best for me for a change. I�m not saying I don�t have room for improvement; I have tons of improving to do. I�m just making my decisions based on what�s best for me and my daughter, not what somebody else thinks is best.

Christmas is going to be particularly hard for me. That is when our company takes a break until after the New Year and last year I had Jim with me and we were establishing new traditions, etc., expecting to spend our lives together. I'll be alone this year, that kinda sucks...

Holidays are definitely hard. The first Christmas I didn't have my kids with me and I went home to an empty house was terrible. It was easier the next Christmas. For obvious reasons the last two Christmases have been difficult, and I anticipate that all future Christmases will hold some of that pain, even though it is softened.

The thing is you need to plan ahead. Don't do the stuff alone. Do it with a best friend, or even a casual friend you trust. Be flexible regarding old traditions. Schedule friends and family well in advance. Now is not too soon.

I also recommend lowering your expectations, and turning off the TV. The commericials are all about gifts for the love of you life.

Great advice Greengables!

If your long distance girlfriend is going to bars until 4:00 A.M. all the time, then she is basically single.

She may be keeping you around in the background as a security blanket that is 2000 miles away, but in her hometown she is living the single life with her friends. I hope that you don't think your relationship is exclusive, because I would bet any amount of money there are other men for her.


All that being said, go ahead and cut her loose if that's what you want. She is not going to be to torn up about it and it will probably be a relief to her to get out of the Thanksgiving visit.