Why are YOU moving out? Schooner, I'd have her bags packed and by the door. YOU'VE done nothing wrong.

I agree, she should be the one that moves out. She needs to experience the greatest disruption of her life as possible. If you do decide to plan B, you will have to set up an intermediary to arrange child visitation.

Schooner, no!! you don't move out. Make her move out. If you move out, you will just be enabling her affair. She will just move the OM in to take your place. Your children NEED YOU. You are the only sane parent here.

Ask her to gather her belongings and MOVE, Schooner. Don't move! Many courts will hold it against you for abandoning your family.

Thankyou Melodylane! Last night the volcano erupted. She couldn't keep quiet so I told her to leave our bed and go sleep elsewhere - she did and is in my daughter's bed. We had a bit of a row but for the most part I just ummed and arghed to her ranting.

I will insist she move out, even though she owns half of the house. Is it wise to provoke her by saying that she then doesn't need to see me on a daily basis, especially as she finds me now to be so revolting?

Even after the exposure last night to the OM's family and friends, there is no guarantee that he will not, out of spite, contact wy WW to arrange for more SF. I guess that's what she needs to sort out.

Should I tell her of the divorce papers I have filed, before she receives official notice (she is of course all for the divorce right now)? I also need to go to work both days this weekend, today and tomorrow. How much havoc can she reek in the meantime?

The grip this EA and PA has on her now after this fresh contact is very intense, does it intensify with renewed contact?

Lots of questions at this point. Thanks once again for the fantastic support, I can see that you guys are really busy. BR, Schooner.

You stay cool. Cool, cool, cool.
After exposure things are wild for a while. The wayward is beside themself which comes out as rage. Anger(at their sordid action being revealed) and fear (at what this means for their fantasy romance and marriage) mixed into a stew of rage.
Stay cool (I know I mentioned that already but prepare to do it).
If you have filed, let it be mentioned in the plan B letter.

Also. Yes. You stay at the house and with the kids and she will be able to arrange to see them through an intermediary when you go to plan B. They stay in the stability of home though and that should be clearly mentioned in your plan B letter.

A plan B letter is a love letter. One that states your deep love and devotion but your boundaries of how the marriage will need to be to rebuild from the mess.

Stay cool (again) and learn to be 'still'. Not to jump to the next action/reaction. It will be a skill that will take you far in life!

Oh! And if you are not moving to plan B and you don't really need to at this juncture as far as my 2 cents.....invite her back to the marriage bed when she is calmer and do more plan A magic while you can. If you don't move to B very soon, calmly tell her about the filing and say you love her and want to still have the marriage prevail.

Thankyou reading, cool is what I'm showing, absolute rock-bottom fatigue is what I'm feeling. It's all talk about divorce, selling the house, blaming me because of my obnoxious behaviour and that it's been heading this way for the last 10 years. That is true of course, there were signs all along, all ignored.

I too feel that now is not the time for plan B. The plan is ready but I think a little more plan A, at least until things calm down. I will inform WW of the divorce notice either tonight or tomorrow.

Right now, I'm just so tired, hardly any decent sleep for a week. Still I'm gonna give it one final go.

BR, Schooner

Schooner, you are doing great! reading is right, invite her back into your bed. Tell her about the divorce and kindly, but firmly ask her move out. Without the kids, of course. Tell her that her affair is too painful and ask her to move out ASAP.

AFTER she moves out, then you would go to Plan B.

Hi Melodylane, what do you think? I exposed last night on FB and have received messages from one young lady who has discussed this with the OM, she promised to push on my behalf! On the whole I am really impressed with the number of very supportive messages I, and she, have received. One comment in special - this is the bravest thing he has seen any BS do - and he is fairly recently divorced!

WW went out again with her female friends and sent me an smh a little while ago saying that she does not want a divorce and has discovered that the OM was sleeping with other woman at the same time. Now she is suddenly on her way home. I think her friends have put some sense into her head.

Having gone to all this effort, I probably need to play it cool for quite a while and get the boundaries in and a signed NC to send to the other man. Having had a major false recovery, and knowing my WW's preoccupation with self, I am rather sceptical. Still, I am feeling a sudden lightness, a release after all the tension and all the effort I've put into this.

The suddenness has left me slightly confused - do I still go into plan B ASAP or do I use this opportunity to try some ser�ous filling of EN's in a renewed plan A. There is always a risk that someone else may offer to do that. Mind you, of course I know what to do - hope she comes back soon!

Thanks once again, BR, Schooner.

That is great that you are getting positive feedback! The next step is to ask her to end her affair and if she won't ask her to move out. Get her moved out FIRST and then we can discuss Plan B.

In the meantime, cause as much trouble in the affair as possible while being calm and respectful - NOT ENABLING - to her. Talk about her affair OFTEN and how much it hurts you and your family.

Your doing great! Keep it up!

Hi MelodyLane,
WW is not yet willing to commit to NC, at least not in writing. Even after the wakeup call about the OM and his numerous OW (?) she does not want to make herself a laughing stock. Although very upset, she will not move out (I know that this is due to her lack of funds also). I have decided that I will not reveal to which of her FB friends I have exposed. A couple of them had sent her a message to which she promptly discredited my message, blaming me for being totally wrong and that it was only a platonic relationship. By not admitting details of whom I have contacted, she is really on edge, not knowing.

This is making her very upset and she will not inform me who she is sending text messages to.

This is beginning to sound like gaslighting - I think I'm being taken for a ride again. All I have are her verbal affirmations that the affair is over.

I think I still need to go into plan B, and to insist that it is she who leaves. This is legally difficult, she has half ownership and is a legal guardian - Finnish law does not recognize infidelity as a basis for enforced separation.

The other problem is our son who is suffering from psychotic depression. He came home yesterday for a few hours, witnessed the screaming from the WW, and in fact was confided to by WW that BH is the one who is now absolutely crazy. This hurt and made me feel sick. The result was that last night he had seriously entertained thoughts of suicide - according to his testimony it was touch and go. He is so totally fed up with our continuous bickering and will gladly welcome our divorce if it means an end to the fighting. I have to admit, there is a part of me that agrees to this. I cannot stand to hurt our children anymore. I cannot change my WW's behaviour - all I can do is focus on myself - now, at last, I am learning to cope with my WW's AO and other LB behaviour. I am learning to be COOL.

I had a long discussion with the nursing staff of the facility he has been admitted to. They concur that my WW does exhibit strong signs of a narcissist (disorder) and that her actions lean very much towards securing a new source of narcissistic supply. How much of this verifiable, I don't know. Apparently, the very act of having an affair, turns the WS narcissistic.

To sum up - do I still insist on plan B with her moving out or do I begin preparing for a divorce?

You can do which ever one you feel you need to do, you can even do BOTH

Your poor son, hope he feels better very soon.

Do not engage in any yelling with the WW. Do not engage in her sparing.

She probably IS taking you for a ride. Most waywars would. Also, waywards are narcissistic during their A. That is just how it works. Try not to analyze her mental defects. You are dealing with a warped wayward right now.

Though you live where you can not inforce separation due to infedelity.....you can still tell WW that she must leave. That you are in too much pain from the situation. You love her but she must go. You will care for the house and home while she is gone.

Calmly deal with her onslaughts of manipulation to get things the way she wants them. Calmly. Matter of factly. With compassion

and

then

go dark to the land of Plan B. When you are ready to do so and she is out of the home.

Keep communication open with your children. Tell them you will be their rock to lean on

and

then

be it.

Last night I confronted the OM face to face. I persuaded him to promise that he will never, ever contact my WW again. I also insisted that the block her on FB so that she cannot see his FB profile. I'll wait and see if he has complied. The confrontation was very therapeutic - a lot of the pent up frustation was released.

I am now continuing plan A for a while, until it's time to start plan B.

Hi,
Could someone please advise what books I should purchase, in the event that my WW and I can overcome this infidelity. I am fully committed to making this marriage work for the rest of our lives together. I do love her and want to be the best husband for her that I can be. We have a lot of issues with boundaries and disrepectful behaviour. I also insist that she be the best wife that she can be. Only then can we even consider taking care of our children, as a family.

I need to begin translating the text into Finnish. I wonder if marriagebuilders is interested in having some of the text translated?

She is very headstrong and, being in the foggy state, sees that this is only a battle of domination.

In the meantime, I need to prepare for plan B, there is that much animosity right now.

Still hoping for a recovery!

Well done for not smashing OM. I was not so restrained as you and I regret it.

Surviving an affair by Harley is the only book you need right now.
No other book has a plan to get you through this. There is no need to translate this into Finnish at this time because wayward folks must not be "taught". It serves only to aggravate them.

Your WW needs to start earning her "f" before such wise words will be effective on her.

I really would look into seeing a counsellor for your anger / violence issues as well though. Its not OK to make our wives feel fearful when we are angry.

All WS are vicious as rattlesnakes when exposed.

When Squid was mean for a week I calmly said to her :

"Look baby, I want to build a great marriage with you but I won't force you to, because I don't need you to. I understand how upset you feel because I did what I thought was the right thing in support of our marriage, but I do not want you here if doing so makes you so unhappy and disrespectful. I am here to work with you on a better marriage, not to tolerate your misery and resentment".

It changed Squid's attitude, but it might just as easily have made her leave. At the time I didn't care which.

Good job, Schooner! Way to shake up the OM. I would continue to contact him every time you find out about any contact. Cause as much conflict as possible.

Get the book Surviving an Affair. That has the best plan.

Hi, thanks, it was absolutely essential in this situation and felt very good.

Now I've gone and done something foolish - went to counselling with WW where, instead of playing cool, I became emotional again. She of course still refuses NC and is trying to get the upper hand again. She is bargaining. Still, I will not compromise. She now feels that she does not need to do anything, that things are back to normal and that I will continue to accept her as is. All I have as a bargaining tool is my divorce being finalised in six months. Suddenly all the pressure is off her. Stupid of me to go to that counselling.

Schooner, simply disabuse her of that notion by demanding she end her affair.