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#2436243 10/19/10 02:01 PM
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I just found out that my husband of 18 years has been having an affair with my NEXT DOOR Neighbor, that was "taking care" of them while I was deployed. This love affair started just before I returned and has been ongoing for the past 1.5 yrs. I have known we were not communicating well and that he seemed angry often with me, and I approached him a few months back with my worries about where we were in our relationship. He pretty much told me that I am always unhappy (been through 2 back surgeries in the past 5 years). He suggested that I go seek help to find a way past it...and I did even though it broke my heart, I wanted to make my family happy. I think it helped me and so does he.
Then I found out about the affair by chance and he tells me that he went to her b/c he was needing happiness and then they fell into an affair and yes, he loves her. He also told me in our talks that he is very sorry and will end the affair and work on our marriage.
I asked if he had made future plans with her and he said they had discussed things like that. She is in an abusive marriage with 3 children (one of which happens to be my sons best buddy). I did confront her and she told me she was sorry and tried to give me advice (I didn't take that well). She said that she is divorcing her husband in Dec or Jan. They have the house on the market, but houses are not going quickly in our area.
We have had very limited time to "talk" through things. He said he would give me all the time I needed to run through the emotions, but after only 2 weeks, he was angered Sunday b/c as it was the first time alone in 5 days, I started talking. He said he knows he deserves the questions, but it angers him to have to constantly think about it. He isn't an open person by nature, does not ever say he's sorry (issues in childhood), and hates to be backed into a corner. He did say he was sorry to me the 1st day, but not since. He has made efforts to talk with me, text me, and show affection. He will not see a councelor as in his childhood, he had to visit one once and it went very baddly.
He hasn't even told anyone! He did agree that I needed to talk with someone besides him, so I've confided in our best friend...
I bought the books to start reading, I initiate the conversations, I make lists of things that I see I could do better, (I, I, I) When I mentioned to him that I seem to be doing the load of the work, he just looks at me. I decided to acknowledge his request not to kill every day with conversation. We have 2 children 15 & 11 and I've not let them see my devastation. We had dinner and normal family time last night and I made no references or comments to him. This morning, he tried to show affection by having sex. I can tell by his actions that he is in withdrawl as they say, because concentration has been off for some time.
I have not talked to him today at all...I'm worried that if I don't stay in his mind he will give in to his desire to talk to her, but on the other hand, if he wanted to talk with me, he should initiate. BTW, I work 1 hour away which was the perfect breeding ground for his affair.
In everything I've read, when he agrees to end the affair, he has to not see or speak with the other lover ever again. How in the heck do you get through the withdrawl of that love and happiness if she is right next door and we see her almost every day? Her daughter (which I'm sure she/he used as an easy conversation starter) is in love with him and is at my house asking where he is and if she can come in to see him. These constant reminders are killing me and although I'm trying to focus on getting through today, I keep taking 2 steps back...which is driving him nuts as well. Please help with some advice.


Me, FW - 40
M - 18 yrs
DD & DS (15, 11)
DDay- 08/30/10; 2nd DDay - 11/18/10
WH had EA/PA from 04/09 - 11/10
My Return from Deployment May 09

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I have only just stopped lurking on this site, but have read it for a few months and it has really helped me. More experienced posters will come on soon and help you set up a plan. If you follow the plan well, you have given yourself the best chance of recovering your marriage.

Some of the stuff does not seem instinctive, and is different from what you will hear from other people, including counsellors, but there are lots of examples on here of the plans working.

Good luck and look after yourself


BW: 46
FWH:48
Married 20 years with three teenagers
OW1: PA Sep08-Sep09 DDay Jun10
OW2: EA Feb09-Dec09 DDay Xmas Eve 09 (lovely!)
Recovering together, in spite of trickle truth...
BlueMum #2436261 10/19/10 02:27 PM
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She is the neighbor and you work one hour away. Do you truly believe there is no contact?
Usually what happens in these situations where the WH and OW are found out is that the A goes underground, so they still see eachother but in a sneakier and more secretive way.
he is telling you what you want to hear.
According to the MB principles you need to
--expose the A to everybody who counts in your life: kids, his family, yours, OWH, OW kids, close friends and coworkers.
--make him right a no contact letter to her and you mail it
--put your house up for rent and move as soon as possible
Listen, my WH OW was and is the downstairs neighbor. I found out when it was too late and the A was too entrenched. So, as a consequence, now I am in plan B my WH and I are separated and our M has very little, if any, hope to survive.
Do all of the above and you M can be saved.
Do not...and you can pretty much kiss it goodbye. Those neighbor A are very dangerous because of the proximity, she is there all the time and she will be/is already determined to have your H and leave hers. He is probably in love with her already but still willing to save the M.
Expose and move. Do it as soon as possible....now.
blessing


atena
atena #2436270 10/19/10 02:40 PM
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I know these things might sound counter intuitive to you and even scary and downright wrong...but believe me they do work if done on time. You are still on time because he is willing to work on the M. He did not tell you: "well, I am not in love with you and I need some space so I am going to move out..." That's what my WH told me and when they tell you that it is too late.
You are still on time. Countless people on this forum have ended the A by simply exposing. in your case you need to expose and move, if possible even move to a different city away from OW.
blessing


atena
atena #2436286 10/19/10 03:06 PM
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I am caught in a bad situation here. We are both in the military and cannot move away from the city. We bought our house only 2 years ago this summer and would not be able to afford selling and rentals are few and far between.
I know that if I expose the A, it will end our chances period. He is a very very private person. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. Our children have no clue at this point although I know children survive every day.
Is there any chance we can make this work leavin it between us? He did tell me that he is worried if someone else finds out she will not be able to get custody of her kids. Should I care, no. But I also don't want his/our names dragged through the mud.



Me, FW - 40
M - 18 yrs
DD & DS (15, 11)
DDay- 08/30/10; 2nd DDay - 11/18/10
WH had EA/PA from 04/09 - 11/10
My Return from Deployment May 09

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Originally Posted by Live42day
Is there any chance we can make this work leavin it between us?

Sorry to say this but no. The only chance you have of recovering your marriage is to have NC (no contact) with the OW (other woman) for life. You must sell and move or both you and your WH will constantly be triggered. Impossible to recover under those conditions.

Originally Posted by Live42day
He did tell me that he is worried if someone else finds out she will not be able to get custody of her kids.

This is a ploy and manipulation to keep you quiet. Unless she is a bad mother in other ways it is very unlikely that the infidelity alone will affect her chances of custody of her kids. The courts don't care about infidelity for the most part. Besides, did she care about the consequences of cheating when she was messing with somebody else's husband? Your WH is protecting her which is very common of an AP (affair partner). puke

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Also remember that everything he is telling you is a lie. The OWH is probably not abusive, she may or may not be divorcing him, and it is IMPOSSIBLE to kill an A without exposure. The fact that he is worried about the effect of exposing on the OW is a huge red flag.

I recommend you get a backbone. He should not feel like you will just tolerate the A, tolerate living next door to her, tolerate not talking about the A and just accept the crumbs of kindness he is throwing at you. You are worth more than that!

One of the most effective things I did on D day was tell my DH that if it ever happened again, he was out on his a$$. He has told me numerous times that that helped him get through the fog. I knew I was worth better treatment and I acted like it. So should you.

As for the house, remember that a divorce and separate households are a lot more expensive than moving.

I am sorry you are here. You have some very hard work ahead of you. Please read the Book,"surviving an Affair" and get a clear plan for how to save your M if YOU want to.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
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This is all so very hard to hear. I know the OWH is abusive because I see how easily he angers at his son's sporting events. I've never seen bruising or anything like that though on her or the children.

I know I deserve better and so does he. I am trying to give him the opportunity to see that he has to make the effort even though it is hard for him to do.

Exposing is the real hard thing. If you all say it is essential to moving forward, I may have already lost the battle.

Time will tell. I appreciate any and all advice and will make the decisions that feel right. I will keep reading and working.
Thank you


Me, FW - 40
M - 18 yrs
DD & DS (15, 11)
DDay- 08/30/10; 2nd DDay - 11/18/10
WH had EA/PA from 04/09 - 11/10
My Return from Deployment May 09

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Welcome, Live42day, sorry you're here.
Couple of things - you're looking at this backward. Let me show you,with my response in red:
Quote
We bought our house only 2 years ago this summer and would not be able to afford selling and rentals are few and far between.
Then how will you be able to afford two houses? Because that's what you'll need after the divorce, if you continue to enable your WH in his A.

Quote
I know that if I expose the A, it will end our chances period.
This typically isn't what happens with an A that causes divorce. Generally, the BS is afraid to expose and allows the adulterous couple to conduct their affair in secret, and they deepen the bonds in their A. Eventually they are in too deep to get out, and divorce follows.


Quote
He is a very very private person.
And he's counting on you to keep his dirty dealings secret. Why would you do that to your family? There's a saying around here: "He should have thought about that before he decided to have an affair." His problem. Not yours.

Quote
Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage.
Here's what generally happens in these "perfect" marriages where one of the spouses is screwing around: They realize that they're going to be found out, are in a fog and think they're in love with their affair partner. They start conjuring up Fantasy Island, where he's going to sweep her away, be her Prince and she'll be his Princess puke (sorry, that phrase brought up an old memory) and blah blah blah. Only problem with the fantasy: they're MARRIED. And it's a marriage that everyone thinks is PERFECT. Oh, what to do, what to do? Easy - they start rewriting history about how lousy the M is, how unhappy they've been, etc, etc. FWIW, I've noticed a lot of waywards peg their unhappiness as covering the last 4 - 6 years of the marriage. They make sure other people hear how lousy their marriage is, so when the affair partner becomes known, the word's already out about 'how bad the M was.' That's why you need to expose - before they have a chance to turn the tables on your M.

Quote
Our children have no clue at this point although I know children survive every day.
Wouldn't you rather they know that daddy has made a bad decision and is never going to do it again? Or would you rather they know that mommy and daddy are divorced, and daddy's living with "Aunt Skank" now?

Quote
Is there any chance we can make this work leavin it between us?
Probably not. Isn't that what you've been doing? Where's that gotten you?

Quote
He did tell me that he is worried if someone else finds out she will not be able to get custody of her kids.
Oh, weep weep. cool Did I mention that saying we've got around here: SHE should have thought about that before she decided to have an affair.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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With out exposure your marriage will not survive, so you have two choices....

1. Expose this affair and rebuild a more happier marriage

or

2. Not expose and life in a marriage where there is still lies, no honesty, no transparency, and in the end DIVORCE!

You need to decide which one you want, we can't make it for you.

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Originally Posted by Live42day
This is all so very hard to hear. I know the OWH is abusive because I see how easily he angers at his son's sporting events. I've never seen bruising or anything like that though on her or the children.

If this is the case, it is imperative that he is told in a controlled manner. If you don't do this, he will eventually find out and you will have no control. But even people with bad tempers need to be warned they are being abused behind their backs. That is cruel and manipulative to not tell him.

You are probably not going to make it if you insist on enabling the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping their secret only enables it.

If keeping the affair "feels right" to you, then I would assert that feelings are not truth and that your feelings are very misleading. Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have against the affair and tehre is not much we can do to help if you enable it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Live42day, my friend, if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to get up and start fighting. You are handing your marriage and your children over to this OW without a fight. Do you want to be sharing your children with a new stepmother? Becasue that is where you are headed if you don't buck up here.

You are all your kids have. They need you to stand up for their family!!

Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am sorry you have to be here. You have come to a good place, and are getting advice from the best.

Please listen to them.

If you don't expose, you don't have a chance. If the OW stays in your life, you don't have a chance.

OW often LIE about their terrible marriage and husband. They act like a Damsel in Distress. It works. The OW in my life did the same thing; and it was all a lie. Then, when my H didn't leave me, she made my H into the abuser. She brought sexual harrassment complaints to the organization they both worked at; fortunately, investigation showed they were both guilty of having an A at work and both made to resign. She then went to court and filed harrassment charges. We spent 25 THOUSAND DOLLARS on attorney fees, as did she. She lost, fortunately. It's been hell. Her poor H divorced her, they lost their home, she lost her job and is about to lose custody of her child.

Exposure is necessary. It will kill the A. Why are you protecting someone who threw your entire life away? Your H took a sledgehammer to your marriage, your security, your safety, your emotional well-being. Protecting him won't bring it back. Protecting him will allow it to keep happening.

You don't a good choice in this, because he took the good choices away. You only have one choice that will work: exposure. You have people on this board who will help you do it properly.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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People here can tell you what has worked in the past and what has not.
The final decision is yours.
I strongly believe that in your case exposure and moving will save your M.
I can speak from experience that, if I had been lucky enough to discover the A a year and half before I actually figured it out, my M now would be in recovery.
I even seeked professional help with Steve Harley and he could not figure out then that my WH was in a full blown A and Steve talked to my WH 4 times, one of which in private. So if Steve could not figure it out...I certainly could not.
The second way around (this was WH 2nd A) they become even more sneaky and my WH is an expert at deceit.
Now, you are very lucky because you know about the A and your WH is still in the stage where he has not decided OW is better and therefore wants out of the M. YOu can still save this, but you have to act now, do not enable the A, do not allow it to become entrenched where you H will choose OW over you.
Again, it is your choice.
I exposed, well too late for me to save the M, but I did expose before WH separated and so I showed the people I exposed to that the reason why WH and I were no longer together was because of his A. I was able to do it before my WH would have spun a story about how he and OW met after our separation and fell in love.
Now everybody knows the truth. But of course exposure did not work for me as the A was too entrenched, WH had chosen OW and therefore exposure did nothing to the A.
Act now.
Blessing


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Quote
How in the heck do you get through the withdrawl of that love and happiness if she is right next door and we see her almost every day? Her daughter (which I'm sure she/he used as an easy conversation starter) is in love with him and is at my house asking where he is and if she can come in to see him.

Then you know how important it is to slap that sale sign in the yard and move. And how important it is that you go next door and let OW know that if she, or any member of her family steps a foot on your property you will sue them for trespassing (tell her and WH that you will install a security device to document activity around your home.)Her H needs to know, as well. That's more than likely why they are divorcing. And you know that he's probably quite normal, temper-wise, right? OW usually paint their H's as psychotic and violent in order to garner sympathy from their affair partner. Oh, he's probably hit the roof more than once with his wife - there are obviously problems there and often anger comes out in marital problems. Not generally violence. Anger, yes. I'm a pretty calm person - you should have seen me in the months after D-Day. Duck & cover, LOL! Even if he doesn't know about the A, he's feeling the fallout.

You need to expose her quickly. Let her daughter know that, sadly, daughter and mother are no longer welcome because mother and WH were becoming boyfriend/girlfriend and it's wrong for married people to do that (use age-appropriate language.)

What is your WH's work schedule?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


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