I so don't know where to begin. I discovered online sex 5 yrs ago and thought we had worked through it. Then dh confessed the end of Aug that he has slept with 9 women some before and some after the other discovery. I went on an emotional roller coaster even took my wedding ring off while we went on vacation for a week. I have never taken my ring off. Then decided to forgive and work on the marriage. Then dh says he assumed I would want a divorce and already decided he didn't love me nor did he want to love me. Inspite of that he was still in the house so I looked at ways I could be a better wife. One of the biggest was I had problems with sex - I realized I actually had a sex adversion without really realizing it. I worked on it using the marriagebuilder.com website and after a few weeks overcame it and now for the first time in our 12 yr marriage I have a sex drive. Now he says I am just faking but I realize it ishard for him to believe. We have bought a house and moved in two weeks ago. We have gone back n forth with a day we talk fine like "regular" people to days when he tells me I am awful and he doesn't love me. Last night he says he wants an apartment that he can't live a lie and that he is repulsed by me. He leaves for a biz trip tonight. I honestly believe there is another woman but can't find anything. He comes home on Friday night - not sure if he will actually move out or not. When we do have sex it has been awesome the best ever in our marriage. Then the next day he says awful hurtful mean things like he doesn't love me and doesn't want to and life is miserable with me. I don't know what to do!

Tammy

Mo3M, there are some things you need to do right now in order to feel safe. I know you love this man, and I give you credit with a history like his. But right now you need to get evidence of his A because it is pretty obvious that he is in deep.

- Get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car where he won't find it.
- get a keylogger for your computer so you can "see" every key stroke he makes and find out who he's talking to.
- See if you can get access to his cellphone records. Its really very easy if you have the password to his account.
-If need be, hire a PI.

All this will protect you if he is in an A and leaves you. It will also give you some evidence for exposure if you decide to stay with him.

If I were you, I would get tested for STDs ASAP. His As have put you at risk.

Sorry you are here. The pro's will be along soon to help you.

Thanks.

I am so broken hearted. He doesn't use our computer just his iphone that is company owned so I can't do anything with it. I have thought about a voice activated recorder but if he is moving out anyways I thought what is the point.

I am so sad. He was such a man of God. Read his Bible every morning. I was so excited for the type of man I was married to.

Now he says he doesn't love me and doesn't want to:(

Tammy

The question is this...

DO you want to save this marriage?

Or do you just want to file for a D and get on with your life?

That decision is yours not ours.

If you want to save this marriage you will have to follow what we advise you to do, if not then I am sorry we can't help.

There are enough information here to tell me that you would be better off without this man in your life.
BUT It is your decision.
Blessing

Yes I want to save our marriage. I love him and we had a great relationship. His head is full of so many lies right now. He says he has been miserable since the day we got married. I know that is not true but I know he has been miserable since the lieing and cheating started I can't imagine the guilt he has been under. Now he says he doesn't believe in God anymore. He has stopped the tithe and doesn't go to church anymore since about a month ago.

Tammy

Tammy, again, did he move out? Is he still living with you?
This is important to know because once they move out it is hard to plan A and also there is a higher chance of D.

You are right, they all say the same thing...also my WH after 20 years of M said to me he never loved me. He even said our M was arranged....imagine to what extent the fog of the A works on them. We are from 2 different countries and our parents never knew one another..so arranged what? Crazu things come out of their mouths but it is all the guilt of hiding , cheating and lying....
I am glad you want to save the M...but we need more info.
blessing

Maybe I am naive but I view the 9 one night stands as better than a relationship. It was sex. Yes it was very wrong and very hurtful to me but at least he wasn't in love with someone. He is saying there is not a girlfriend but naturally I have my doubts. He was a very strong Christian so he is very messed up in the head which would leave him not wanting to love me b/c all he sees when he sees me is everything he has done wrong. He doesn't want to give everything over to Christ right now so Satan is winning. I am praying for God to grab ahold of my dh. I know dh has free will so we may never be together but for now I am on my knees in prayer. I will fight for my marriage as I never want my kids to experience the pains of divorce like I did as a child. Plus I do love dh when we were good together it was good. I will start school in the Spring to be a paralegal to get ready for worse case.

Dh is 32
I am 33
married 12 yrs
kids ds1 11 next month, ds2 9 and dd 4 next month
Discovered online 1/05 thought we had worked through that
Dh confessed end of 8/10
Started beginning of summer realizing how many areas I had not been a good wife in. Joined weight watchers and have lost 40lbs so far - 15 more to go!!! Started getting my hair fixed and wearing makeup again. Started dressing up for bedtime everynight now. Started paying more attention to dh. Worked on why I had such an issue with sex now I have a true physical love of it now. But he says this would have all been great a while back but it is too late now.

Tammy

He is gone on a business trip from Tuesday night to Friday night. He told me Monday night he was getting an apartment that he could not live a lie that it was wrong to be in this house b/c he would never love me. He slept on the couch Monday night. I told him I was not turning my back on the marriage and I was not going to leave it.

Tammy

Tammy, from the way he is acting (sleeping on the couch, telling you he never loved you etc,..) and from what he is saying (wants to move out...living a lie) he is involved with another woman (OW) and this time it might not be a one night stand.
You need to find out who this person is. In the meantime you have to continue doing what you are doing, even if he tells you it is too late.
Do not talk relationship talk with him, but continue snooping to find out about OW. He travels for work so he could be hooking up with her during his travels. Or the travel might be an excuse to see her.
Find all the evidence you can get.
Blessing

We go about 4 days in bed together then 2 days on the couch. Yes it would make since if there is an OW. I can't find anything so far. My sister was going to buy a voice activated recorder for me but forgot. Now he told me he is moving out so I was questioning whether to drop the money on one. Travel is for business I see the tickets however he goes to the same place and is there alot so could easily have a 2nd life there. I just don't know how to find out.

Tammy

The other thing - I just read about exposure. I didn't do this last time very few knew about the online. This time many know and dh is furious with me over that. This is one of his reasons why we can't be together. He says he can never step foot in church again and he can never visit my family again.

Tammy

Of course they are. They are always furious. They will always make ultimatums due to exposure.

Expose anyway. It's Independent Behavior -- a Love Buster -- but a calculated one. An affair is the Ultimate IB; exposure is one of the few things a betrayed spouse can do that has any chance of success working against the affair directly.

Tammy, total disclosure: I am a lapsed practicing Christian who rose to become the Chair of my church board, then became disenchanted with the church, chose agnosticism, and found out via a DNA test that I am of Jewish descent. Follow all of that? I'm just saying I've had some time learning about religion and faith.

I've seen many devout Christians come on this site and post about how they're praying that God will turn their wayward around, that Satan will be vanquished through steadfast prayer and faith, that the will of Jesus be done, etc. Without hijacking your thread into a religious discussion, may I say:

God has sent you here. God has given you the tools to take control of this. He does NOT want you to 'give this up to the Lord'. He wants you to use the brains and the tools He's given you as an act of care for you. He wants you to be happy - He wants what YOU want. The will of Jesus is that YOU be happy and have a fulfilling life.

Here's the tricky part: you don't know if that life involves WH or not. But you have been given the tools to save your M - you have been sent here. Do NOT wring your hands and hand it up to the Lord! He'll look at it in His hands and wonder why you gave it back, after He gave you all these tools!

Listen to what we are advising you to do, do not lose yourself in prayer to no avail. You have been sent here, Tammy.

ITA that it seems as though your WH is acting straight from the wayturd handbook. They seem to follow the same script and share the same brain. Anything that you tell us, we have heard it all(and I have been here for almost 1 year).

Just keep your Plan A strong and get your preparations in for Plan B.

Yes I am doing a true Plan A as in this is the wife he really gets should he choose. I realize I got way too hooked on the internet to meet my communication needs. He says we are incompatable and there is no point in trying to make it work.

The sad part is I actually love sex and could have it nightly now.

We have just bought a house that is much cheaper than our rent - we have bought cheaper cars we are right there to be able to have a good time recreationally and become companions again instead of having high payments to where we can't afford a babysitter.

I have lost 40lbs and am now only 15lbs away from wedding day weight. I have also realized how much the weight had "weighted" me down and kept me from being my perky self. I look good now even dh has said so at times. Also at times he has said that it is b/c I am looking for other guys which everytime I say no I want him to have a hot wife. I am getting alot of comments now even from strangers about how good I look now.

I keep up the house. Dh has even said Monday when he was talking about moving out how wrong it was that I was serving him and trying to make him happy.

I have always admired him. I made the mistake of complaining about him online b/c in my mind it was to strangers. He read it and was hurt so he thought since I did it online I did it in person to which was far from the truth.

Now the hard part is keeping my mouth from running off when I get hurt. He says he has been miserable for 10 yrs. I just don't buy that.

I am so sad that he doesn't want to be in the marriage. He was only 19yrs old when we got married and then he knew what a vow was. Now he just wants to be happy and everything is about his happiness:(

Tammy

I was going to ask you about this. You mentioned that you followed some MB teachings to turn your sex drive around after just a few weeks. What did you read and follow that helped this happen?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
Here is the article.

The other thing is I found a website that talked about sex. I will admit even though I am in my 30s and have 3kids I am very niave about sex. It was label so bad around me and then I had a cousin who took advantage of me at a young age that I just never thought about sex or anything. Now I truly have a physical sex drive which I have never had. In addition to what the MB article says to do I also learn to please myself and be comfortable with my own body. This truly helped me relax and enjoy sex. Now during this time I am able to have sex with my wh even though he is not giving me any affection b/c I also have a physical desire for sex which I have never had in our marriage.

I txt dh last night since he had not called me. Told him I loved him and hoped he had good meetings. He txted this morning saying he wanted to talk about finances. Please dear God I pray this is not preparing for him to move out:(

Tammy

His thoughts change rapidly so I would not take what he says at face value.
However, if the A is entrenched and he fell in love with OW you are up against a wall as he will not be receptive to you and will want out so he can be with her.
I know 27 years are a lot and they will have their influence on him, however sometimes all they backfire because the WS seems to also use the A to get out of a long M where he might have felt trapped. I guess I am speaking for my WH now.
You will see what happens...his actions will speak more than his words!
blessing