We have been here before if anyone remembers about a year and a half ago.

We each have been working on each other's emotional needs, and the marriage has been going very well. However, my husband's number one need for Attractive Spouse has been going unmet and my need for Sexual Fulfillment (in my opinion) has been going unfulfilled. I had been meeting my husbands need for Attractive Spouse about a year ago but then gained about 30 pounds, thinking I would just take care of it later (though having completely forgotten just how hard it is to lose weight)
Just for information the attractiveness need is not associated with the lack of sexual attention because even when his attractiveness need was being met my need for sex was not. More information about us is that I am 22 and he is 29 with no children. For awhile I was taking a medication for my panic disorder that annihilated my normal need for sex, and so I didn't care how often we had sex. He used to be into fitness and feels that maybe the pro hormones and muscle enhancing drugs for gaining muscle have killed his sex drive. When we first got married I felt as though my sexual need was being met, though it soon faded as he began taking more pro hormones. I recently have been taking a different drug for my anxiety and now my sexual desire has greatly increased *or gone back to normal) as I am only 22 years old. A few of his complaints are that it is too hard to please me sexually, that it takes too much work to do so, that I frequently complain about his sexual performance, and I place too much pressure on him to have sex with me. He did have an affair about 2 years ago, in which he had sexual relations with the other woman 4 times in 3 days and yet he can't perform the same way with me. I really resent him for that. not so much for the affair but for the fact that I can't receive the same sexual desire. I am starting to feel that if my need for sex is not being met, then I shouldn't have to meet his need for attractiveness or work as hard to do so.

Any advice on what we can do?

Yes, stop blaming each other for your own failure to meet the other's needs.

Has he said his #1 need is AS? How are you doing on meeting the other top needs? What are those? You say that SF is being unmet, how are the other intimates: Affection, Conversation, and Recreational Companionship?

Are you spending at least 15 hours on UA each week?

Yes, he has stated that his number one need is Attractive Spouse. I hear it almost everyday, and how I didn't care about his need when I CHOSE to gain 30 pounds. I think I am doing alright on his other needs (which are affection and admiration). I tell him all the time how he is a great husband, and how awesome he does at this job etc etc.. I try doing things he is interested in, and so on and he does the same. He is meeting my other needs by giving me Affection (which I require a lot of .. I'm pretty needy). Financial Support in that he let me quit the job I hated and I am staying at home trying to work on keeping the house clean and animals picked up after. He also puts in a great effort to do things I want to do.

I'm not sure what UA is?

So you say he's meeting your other needs but not your need for SF and you're unhappy. And you're meeting his other ENs just not his top EN. I'd surmise that he is also unhappy.

I can relate to both of you because AS and SF are both on my top list of needs.

It might not be this simple but it seems his desire for you has dropped off since you have stopped trying to meet his need for AS. If the 30 or 50 pounds is that big of a deal to him and it would incite his libido to rise, then lose the weight.

Prohormones can have an impact on his libido but it's a short lived impact and very few prohormones hit it that hard. Prohormones while being semi close to taking a real steroid have their side effects but rarely are they permanant. I'll take it that he's very into fitness and teh aesthetics of how somenone looks.


If this is the case, you'll want to lose the weight.

My wife is a size 4/5 and with AS being important to me, a size 8-10 would start to negaviely impact my sexual desire for her.

UA stands for undivided attention. In order to be successful, ou must meet the ENs of the other person, avoid love busters, and spend 15 hours per week or UA time.

Hi, it sounds like you've been through a rough time!

I agree with the others, you need to take care of your side of the street, because its the right thing to do. Be the best spouse you can be and if he doesn't respond within a reasonable amount of time (A year or two?) then think carefully about whether this is someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

I understand how hurtful it is as a woman to be turned down for sex. I have struggled with being an attractive spouse, but years ago even when I was at my ideal weight and dressing nicely my husband was still turning me down more often than not so I got the idea that my looks weren't the issue and stopped focusing on them. That just meant that my self esteem dropped even further though. Try to be the best person you can be, because even if he doesn't respond and give you what you want in return those relationship skills you will gain from marriage builders will help you in your future.

BUMP

Sylar,

Please go to your doctor and have a full blood analysis. I recently had a really good physical and full blood analysis after gaining 20 pounds and not being able to lose an ounce despite eating well and exercising 3 - 5 days a week (I cycle long distances, run, weight train), feeling run down, tired, etc.
Despite having gained 20 pounds, I am still average weight for my height and age. I was SHOCKED when I was told I have diabetes/insulin resistance. There is no history of diabetes in my family, I have none of the stereotypical attributes. I am now on Metformin which is used to control diabetes and some doctors prescribe it for weight loss. The weight is now dropping again and my blood sugar is back in low - normal levels. It is making a big difference. Just a thought.......

------------I just took all of my threads from my husbands posts and am putting them here ----------------

I asked my husband if he had a post on here and he said "No, I'm just checking out other posts." Then I come here and read it and find out that he HATES our marriage and is thinking about leaving me everyday when he tells me to my face all the time "how much he loves me" "how I make him the happiest he has ever been" "and how high is love bank is" It's ALL CRAP!!!! Lying to my face will NEVER make me happy because now I'm going to question ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth.

I WAS RIGHT for making him get rid of all his female friends, he was flirting with every one of them. Always talking to his exes telling them how "hot" they are everytime they would send him a picture!

I WAS RIGHT for DEMANDING that we move away from his "friend/business partner" Some business that was, they made 0 dollars!!!! They were sitting at home drinking and playing world of warcraft while passively working on another project while getting further and further in debt. He treated me like the poop that comes out of a horse when he was around our roommate. I was SICK of it!!!! The roommate NEVER left the house! NEVER, was ALWAYS around us like a bloodsucking LEECH

he DOES feel entitled to having cheated on me!!!!!!! Always saying "WE WERE SEPARATED." When in fact I was just looking for a job to move back in the house, we were "TOGETHER!" But that was also another lie he told to my face to "please" me.

I did make a mistake saying that I would never meet his need for AS. I admit it, I was just mad and using it to hurt him. Love buster I know. It is hard for me, but he HELPED me gain the weight always suggesting another beer and another one. Or eating out all the time. In my opinion we are BOTH guilty of what has happened with the weight gain. I hold the most responsibility because it happened and I did nothing to stop, I basically gave up. Now that it has happened my self esteem is ZERO! When I was losing weight and doing the cardio, my husband was saying things like "It makes me so happy that you are doing this for me, I really hated the way you looked before." Then he would go on rants about how unhappy he was the whole time. My need for sexual fulfillment was being unmet when I was 130 and when I am 160. I don't even comb my hair now, and I don't get dressed up during the day because I don't see the point. It's not going to help, he is still going to be just as embarrassed and unhappy walking next to me What's my incentive? A happy husband? Apparently I have NEVER had a happy husband!!!! Has he said one time in this whole thread that he has ever been happy?

If I am insecure it's because he has made me that way. I was insecure before but definitely not to this extent. The way I look has NEVER been good enough for him, and I honestly fear that it NEVER will be. I am not Bi-Polar, I am depressed and moody.

When I agreed to hooking up with the guy, that was the first week of our marriage and he was still sending love texts to his ex wife!

Wife here-

Our evening turned out okay, sure we got in a screaming match but right now we are really content. I have decided to continue to try, as I did today because I felt bad about telling him yesterday that I didn't care about his need. We cannot afford a gym membership for me, so any progress I make can only be from home. He agreed to stop actively trying to make me feel bad. Right now we are enjoying a movie and spending some time together.

Though my feelings are still really hurt by some of the things he posted, and I really have no desire to have sex with him (and it's MY number one need!) when he is forcing himself to do it and not enjoying it AT ALL .. when I could go have sex with any number of men who would be THRILLED to engage with me.

Another wife post-

I am lying next to my husband right now trying to go to sleep, and I simply cannot. With the exception of a few fights, I thought my marriage was going along nicely. Now, I'm not so sure as what to do?

My husband REFUSES to have friends, it's his own fault. He HATES on the fact that all he can have are male friends, and does not want them. He simply states repeatedly that female friends are all that can fulfill him. The one male friend he does have, I cannot stand because he has been a leech on my marriage for so long that I just can't have a positive reaction with him. I refused his friend coming over on the 28th because we simply cannot afford the gas money to get him and drive him back, and he is the human vaccuum and I cannot afford to feed him when we don't even know if we can make our rent payment next month. Sure his friend said he would pay, but the last time he offered to pay for something he didn't and we ended up paying him 400 dollars that we couldn't afford.

I have no desire to go out in public with him anywhere, even to the store if he is SO embarrassed to be seen with me and anytime he sees another woman he thinks of leaving me for them. I would rather get my stuff taken care of alone.

I don't even feel like he is trying his hardest at work anymore, but instead blaming me for not working when he spent a year basically being unemployed with a business that was a failure from the start. I quit my job 2 1/2 months ago, and am currently looking for part time work. I was the one who suggested when I quit that I wanted to work on my weight, and he always insisted to not worry about (I guess to not get his hopes up?) Then when I finally started trying and quit it just devastated him. HE was the one who frequently told me to quit my job because he would have no problems making our bills and that I could just relax because I deserved it (more lies?)

HE SAID IT WAS OKAY TO QUIT COMPLETELY HIS SUGGESTION INITIALLY.

I had my hesitations but decided to follow his word. He said it would be no problem taking care of us, that "I shouldn't have to work, and that he "wants" me to be able to be the stay at home wife." but now that he "can't" make enough money I am getting the blame?

The job I was at, even though I was making decent money was intolerable. My hair, skin, nails, health all suffered from working outside 45 hours a week and surely did not help my self esteem. He was relaxing at home for a year doing exactly what I am doing now, but resents me for it? I don't want to sit here and play rock band all day and play with the dogs, I do love playing with my dogs but still. I DO want to go back to college, seriously bad and not some crappy online college. I have recently come to the realization that I need to at least get a part time job. I was happiest when I was working, it's just towards the end of my last job things were really getting unpleasant. I don't want to be 30 and find that I am struggling to get a retail job. I was a Chemistry/Political Science major, and would love to finish college. Since I have been with him I have definitely noticed my strengths and weaknesses in terms of job relation.

What do I do now? Now I'm embarrassed to go anywhere with him, and simply don't want to. I have no desire for any sexual relations. "I'm just not doing it for him anymore" How am I supposed to react to that? So insert any other woman and he would perform just perfectly? He really makes me feel like the most unattractive person in the world sometimes. He has constantly stated how women lose their looks by age 27, and how unattractive they are by this age. I'm almost 23 and now I'm overweight. I feel like I have already lost my best years, and it's just downhill in his book from here. Everytime I look in the mirror I see a wrinkle and my self esteem is floored. I used to have beautiful hair, and now after having to work through outdoor conditions it's really gone to the pit and therefore I just don't like dealing with it anymore. Also I can't afford a decent hair cut and I have a botched dye job, I just don't even want to think about it.

Am I just supposed to forget all the things he posted? I do want to work on the weight loss, it just takes so long versus the short amount of time it took to pack it on. It's disheartening. I try to make him happy in other ways, I spent days getting this house as clean as possible (when we first wed he FEARED how messy I was going to be because of my mom, and ALWAYS complained about how messy I was and now all of a sudden it just doesn't matter?) He used to horribly complain about our dog, and I do the absolute best I can to pick up after him and that doesn't matter? He used to complain about how I never admired him and now I always tell him what a great man he is and how he is doing a great job and support him in everything and that doesn't matter? I really do try and watch more tv shows that are friendly to him and yet I get almost no credit for doing the things he wants to do, he still always views us as doing my stuff.

No, I haven't not really. I saw a (male) therapist three times, and he acted exactly like my husband (seriously no joke, it was like a personality clone) and I couldn't handle it. But instead of requesting another therapist like I should have done I just abandoned the idea all together.

I am seeing a psychiatrist about every two months, I live in the state capitol and she has over 800 patients.

I am taking my medication, though not as regularly as I should. The number one side effect of the medication I am taking now is weight gain and I already have a husband who despises me for my weight. I am running out of options on medications that will treat my anxiety/panic so I have been considering going back to my old medication even though it makes me so lethargic and tired it's unreal and just toughing through it (imagine the most tired you have ever been and then drag that out for 2 weeks) until my body adjusts (it also eliminates any and all desire I have for sex, but at least I took that more regularly and it doesn't have the weight gain side effect.

However, assuming that you've fairly represented how your husband feels about aging women, why would you marry someone like that? Did you know your husband felt 28 year olds were over the hill before you married him? If you didn't know this, why didn't you take the time to get to know your husband before you got married?

[i][/i] I knew about his need for AS while I was dating him and before I married him. Though I was heavy when we met and married, I guess I did have hope that if he loved me enough he wouldn't care. When we got married he had a few selfish demands and he changed his needs on those. I really didn't know about the 27 year old being an old disgusting woman, his words not mine. I recently read an article that women feel way better in their 30's than any other decade of their life. I personally am dreading it.

He got mad at me for bringing up something from three years ago, and yet he also brought up something that happened in the first week of our marriage three years ago that wasn't even true. Yes I was sending flirty texts to another man, but I NEVER had any intention of going to see him .. I was going to the horse races with my mom to celebrate Mother's Day and I was going to come rushing back to him.

How should I go about fixing our marriage? My need for Sexual Fulfillment isn't getting met either? He stated that "She is just not doing it for me" What do I do with that? Just completely forgo my need for a year and work on being thin and "hope" that it will get better. He even lied to me about what the real issue was, claiming it was years of using muscle enhancements, and then he stated that "that was a lie."

Sylar,
I found out during my H's A that I had a thyroid problem. I had gained weight and could not lose it. It took about a year of seeing the doctor and getting the medication adjusted before we got the perfect mix. Now I am slowly losing weight and keeping it off too.

Please go to the doctor and get some blood tests. Do not just get the simple TSH test as it only looks at one part of the thyroid problem. You need a whole panel.

Having a thyroid that doesn't work properly means that you feel tired, depressed, etc.

You say that you want to do something other than stay home all day, which sounds like a smart idea! Can you go back to school, even part time, even one class a semester?

Here's what I hear from both you and your husband--> That you don't do anything to encourage weight loss a majority of the time. You have low self esteem, you sit around and play games a lot or watch TV and eat junk food. You put blame on feeling bad because of the way your husband treats you and the meds you take. Okay.

There are bipolar meds that don't have the weight gain side effect. My wife takes meds for bipolar and is losing weight. Maybe your husband does make you feel bad. However, that is no reason to sit around and sulk in it. I realize that our spouses have some bearing on how we feel but you do not have to give him free reign on whether you feel bad or good about yourself. And yes you should want to look good for your spouse. However, when it comes to fatloss, you have to be motivated for yourself. It�s like quitting smoking�everyone in the world can want you to do it but if you don�t want to do it, then quitting smoking will be unsuccessful. From what I�ve read, he has bought numerous toys (PS3, games, wii, etc) why is some of this money not going to a gym membership? I think if you got a part time job, went to school part time (apply for grants) then both of you could go to the gym together.

I think y�all need to go back through the Love Busters questionnaire again. The way y�all communicate to each other is completely disrespectful and both of y�all seem very angry at each other at the way the other one feels. Someone�s gotta go first or both of y�all have to start together.

What I�ve heard from both conversations is �I can�t believe you do this to me and make me feel this way!!� And �I�ve done this and that for you and sacrificed so much!!� So it�s not just you and it�s not just him�it�s both of y�all.

I can tell you what helped me and my wife start hitting the 15-20 hours of UA time is reading Love Busters together every night or several nights a week. From there, we went on to other books or playing board games together and chatting, joking, and flirting. It�s amazing how much better disagreeing can be when you have open and safe communication without downing one another.

Sylar, I agree with kilted; Love Busters are eating you two up. You are abusing each other with the way you talk.

I earnestly think you should get ahold of the workbook that goes with Love Busters and work through the chapters on Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, and Angry Outbursts, filling out the forms for each other each week to respectfully let each other know when you feel like you've experienced one. You can establish a no tolerance policy for these in your marriage and you can completely eliminate them from your habits. When you do you will be AMAZED how much better things can be.

I also encourage you to listen to the Marriage Builders radio program each day. You can listen to it on this website at any time 24 hours a day. The program majors heavily in discussing Angry Outbursts and Selfish Demands and Disrespectful Judgments. I get ahold of old shows and listen to them every day in my car and it's really helping me come to grips with why I don't want to do these, ever.

If you can't eliminate all three of these behaviors in a reasonable period of time, I think you guys need to seek help; you might want to enroll in the Marriage Builders Online program which assigns you a coach who can talk to you as needed on the phone and help you find out what's wrong if you are failing to make progress. Save $3 a day for a year and that's the cost of the online program.

you're getting some good advice, Sylar. one thing I have learned and my doctors have confirmed is that just like each diabetic is different, so each disease affects people differently. Most diabetics, for example, tend toward high sugar if they are out of control. My DH has always had problems with sugar bottoming out when he gets out of control. 70 is perfect for the typical diabetic. if DH's sugar is 70 that means it is on the way down and I better have some juice or milk handy.

Many people with bipolar, especially BP2, tend toward hypomania even with treatment. This is great for them because mild hypomania means perpetual high energy and, therefore, a decreased need for sleep and food. A perfect recipe for the narrow lens of attractiveness. With BP1 it is different. The doctor is much more vigilant about mania -- BP2'ers don't have real mania and BP1'ers do. And since real mania causes brain damage, psychopathy, etc. the docs are paranoid and often go to the other extreme. When I was taking 1200 of lithium, for example, I felt slightly nauseous and lethargic all the time. And my thyroid was decimated.

Yeah, you didn't need a bipolar lesson. But my point is, statistically there is no way to say how much your meds do or don't interfere....because you are an individual. But if your body is different on them than off them and you live in that body.....I'd call your doc and try to find something that works.

I have a very high drive, and my DH is wonderful, but because he has had diabetes almost 30 years, he has very little drive. But he realizes that my need is still a need and that he needs to meet it. So if a physiological issue doesn't exempt my DH, then a weight hangup doesn't exempt yours. But addressing the weight will make you and him feel better. 30 pounds can make a real difference in energy level AND the dosage of meds you need.

It's hard to be a less than Cindy Crawford woman with a high sex drive - I know. You said you weigh 160. how tall are you? You don't have to say, but because so much of society is anorexo-centric about what an attractive weight is, it is easy to get a skewed perspective. The best gauge of a healthy weight is a doctor -- a medical doctor.

I have had thyroid problems in the past, I was sleeping almost all the time .. My last recent test was maybe 7-8 months ago and it was okay.

Every time I go to the doctor, my husband just thinks I am "hypochondria-ing" myself and so I almost never go to the doctor anymore. I probably should get a full blood work panel. I'm not bi-polar

It's definitely possible to get me into a class or two at a local college, it's an hour bus ride there and an hour bus ride back unless I could get into Sac State which is just down the street.

I NEVER wanted the Xbox, the Wii .. I really don't even use them. They were things that he bought for me to keep me entertained while I was at home, because he didn't have them when he was being the stay at home man. I am bored being here all the time, I want OUT!!! Out into the world, I need at least a part time job. I have always wanted a gym membership and there is a 24 hour Fitness within a 5 minute bus ride but my husband doesn't want to pay for it because he thinks I will NEVER use it.

I thought I wanted to stay at home for a few months, but I have since realized that I was happiest when I was working

Can you get an admin job at a gym? Just brainstorming for you. One plus for going to school: my school has a fitness center, so I assume where ever you go will have one, too? That's a two-bird, one-stone kind of deal right there. Pay for school, get a free gym membership.

I like this. I can't tell you how many times I was late to class because they had a rec center with a very nice weight training area.

I think you need to write down things you want. You can start off with I would like:
To get a part time job
To go back to school for a class or two a semester
To get a gym membership
To spend X amount of minutes a day playing a game or reading a book with my spouse (go back to the Love Busters book and concentrate on Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements)
Etc etc etc

Then you can sit down with your husband and you two can make a plan of action. However, this is where you and your husband need to have calm communication. What needs to not happen is
You: I would like to get a gym membership because I would like to lose weight and feel healthier
Him: The money will be wasted because you won�t go (BIG DJ. This is NOT how his response should be worded if he is worried about you not using the gym when being paid for)
You: Nevermind then! I�ll guess I�ll just stay fat and you�ll always try to keep me from losing weight. (Angry outburst.)

And etc etc.

The above is how teenagers fight, not grown mature adults. It�s more than okay to express concerns and fears without pissing the other person off or running them down.

Wow, kilted that hypothetical conversation you posted is EXACTLY word for word how our conversation would go, in addition to me saying to my husband "If you go to they gym yourself, you are just looking to oogle women and cheat on me with one of them." That's spot on to how our conversation would go realistcally.

What about getting a free week trial at a gym and trying it out by yourself? And then if you don't like it, try another one free for a week. Go alone. No conversations about oogling women because only you are going.

With your H, take a walk together for 30 or 45 minutes a day. If you guys can't talk to each other without fighting right now, don't talk at all. Just walk and hold hands. No words.

That would give you some nice exercise, fresh air, feeling like more of a success with your exercise, time together that isn't all about LBing.

It would be a start.

I think this has a lot to do with age and maturity level. Honestly, when we were in our early 20's, this is how many of the conversations in our marriage would have gone as well. In fact, my H and I once got into a huge fight because he said, "Wow, you're looking very spotted today," (I was wearing polka dots) and I got massively offended because I took it as a criticism. We laugh about it now, but it was a pretty serious fight at the time.

The good thing is, you are aware of the problem and you're both here looking for a way to fix it. You're way ahead of where my H and I were at your stage in the marriage.