Don't think any of you would remember me, or more accurately, I don't think anyone I used to chat with (5 years ago) are still here.

So briefly my background - my ex-H and I got separated in May 2005, and then our divorce was finalized in October 2008. We have a 8-year-old boy.

Ex wanted the divorce. He had sex addiction and also issues with pot. He was very angry at me, felt that I was verbally abusive. I did have some anger issues (since my ex was always lying, I ended up being always angry at him, which I greatly regret), so I see how he might have felt 'unloved', however I never lied to him or did anything to break the law, and was always willing to work on our issues. He did not want to, and kept mentioning that he felt 'trapped'. I was hurt beyond words, but thanks to MB and support from my friends and family, have survived.

In the mean time, everytime he got in troubles (money wise, DUI, etc.), he implied he wanted to come home. I did not want to hurt my boy, so did not want to let him back in till I felt that he was serious.

Moving the clock forward - in the mean time I met someone and started dating. Last year when ex-H again implied that he wanted to reconcile, I, for the first time, said that it 'might be too late'. Then Ex began trying so hard to win me back. He would call 7-8 times while my boyfriend and I were together during the weekend, cried over the phone, etc.

I really wanted to give him a chance, but Ex continued to lie to me and none of his promises were kept. Then early this year, he met someone, and now has been with this woman for 8 months.

Reasons I am here again today: I still have issues when I picture my Ex with his girlfriend and her kids, together with our boy - I feel that he destroyed our 'original' family, now I have limited amount of time to spend with my boy, and he is enjoying the 'big happy family' with this new woman and the kids.

Then I also have a problem with my boyfriend. Maybe when I began dating him, I needed someone to help me forget my ex? Don't know, but initially he was very eager to marry me, but in recent years he kept saying that he does not feel 'supported' by me. He loves golf, which I try to support, but every weekend he is gone, which honestly I am not happy about. So he plays one day out of the weekend now for the most part (still sometimes he is gone for the whole weekend, about 5 times during the summer). I told him as long as he notifies me ahead of time (since usually he does not tell me and when I call to find out his weekend schedule he tells me that he will be gone the next day or the weekend), and also as long as he tries to play just for one day out of the weekend (we do not live together so weeneds are the only time we can get together), I will be okay.

Still he feels that I am not supportive. Also, he told me that he has 'no interest' in learning how to ski, which is one of my hobbies however I never asked him to learn it. I told him that is fine, but then he said "but I do not want to take separate vacations". He never use the 'love' words, something I told him several times mean a lot to me.

So in my mind, he is not giving me what I want either, but I have not been bringing that up. He said that among all the women he ever dated, he is attracted to me the most physically. He also recognizes my intelligence, how good a mother I am, that I am a good cook, I am athletic, beautiful, sexy, etc. However he now feels that we are not 'on the same page', even though he loves me, because he is 'afraid' that if we get married I will complain that he is not spending enough time with the family. So he wants to end our relationship.

I know one problem I have is that I provide way too much love for my son. The part of that is because I feel sorry for what has happened to him - he was only 2 when his father walked away - also because his father was never the type to trying to teach him things (biking, playing catch, skiing, ice skating, soccer, tennis, basketball, swimming - I taught him all of that, along with all the academic stuff and piano, another language, etc.), I ended up wearing the 'daddy's' hat as well, so our bonding and also the amount of time spent together increased.

My ex probably felt that we should have spent more 'alone' time together. Now he goes to see his father every other weekend, that time I spend a lot of 'grown-up' time with my boyfriend. I go play golf with him often too. However he is not happy that I am not 'crazy' about golfing. Also he still feels that I am too much about my son.

About this issue, I understand that mothers and fathers are different, and I aknowledged that I am trying to make improvement on this area to my boyfriend. But my complaint is that even when we can be together without my son, he is gone to playing golf, spending hours at golf stores, and/or spending hours at his gym where he also practices golf swings.

So the time we can spend together is limited, in my mind, more because of his 'priority'. Yet he feels it's my unsupportiveness and also he is afraid that I will never be supportive in this area.

Is this purely a bad match? I feel very down today...

To me it sounds like a poor match. He seems to want to have his "single" lifestyle, with the side benefit of a GF. But to me, that is not marriage material. I don't think that it is a workable marriage when one of the spouses wants to be gone every weekend to pursue his hobby. If he were a pro golfer, that may be different, but I don't see this one working out.

And if someone were to say to me that I focus too much on my child, they be out the door the next, if not the same, day. That is also a sign of someone who does not understand life with children.

AGG

OK, finally my technical issues seem to have been resolved and I can 'reply'.

Again, thanks for the constructive advice AGG. I called to see if we can talk in person yesterday, and at the time I posted above my BF hadn't responded but later on called me back and said he was busy with work and "ok, we can talk on Saturday".

I understand what you are saying AGG, my other friend has mentioned something similar to me too. However truthfully, I would hate to break my little boy's heart again. Also, I feel very vulnerable. I do not have any of my family members here, so I feel tremendously alone. My BF and I had many differences (he is a very negative person and also does not like to talk much whether in person or over the phone, or say romantic things to me - which were some of my 'needs' that were not met), but obviously had many good things too and that is why we were together for almost 4 years. When I think of those 'good' moments, I feel I do not want to let him go.

My friend (a guy) feels that my BF is looking for a way out, and whatever he says sounds like an excuse. Maybe. Should I just let him go?

Just to give some more info - on Tuesday, my BF came over to see my ballet classes. Something I wanted him to do for the long time but he never did. But I never complained about it so I do not think he was aware that I have been wanting him to come over to see my classes. It happened to be this week was the 'observation' week where the family members come to see classes, that's why I invited him last week and that is why he came.

He watched my class with my son (my son comes with me every week since I cannot find babysitters or do not want to rely on others every week). This is not to brag, but I am one of the best dancers in class, and was quite proud how well I was doing...., and of course wanted him to recognize it. However after the class, he did not say anything but "ok, let's go". I was very hurt, but did not say anything. After a while, I asked him jokingly "...so, no feedback??" to which he said "stop touching the barr!". I was shocked. But it's typical of him, he rarely gives out positive feedback (on almost any subjects), so even though I was hurt, I put on a smile and hugged him and said "thanks for coming". Then he might have felt bad and said something nice ("you made the whole thing very easy, so that must be a good thing, right") and kissed me.

The next day I drove him to the nearest train station since he works in the city, and kissed good bye. Everything was fine. Then when I called him from work he sounded very unhappy. When I asked him why, he said he was not feeling well.

Since we were talking about getting tickets to go to FL for Thanksgiving (that is where his dad lives), and I had tickets on hold, I asked him "ok, I am going to buy those tickets, right?"

That is when he said "well, we never really talked about what we are going to do". I was shocked. Yes, recently we have been talking about what we will do (whether to tie a knot or end it), and we never finished our talk. We had multiple of those conversations, and he always brought up reasons he does not feel we are compatible: "I'm a golfer, this is who I am. And you do not support that", "I don't want to live out here (where I and my son live), it's too far to commute to the city, but you want a guy who moves in (which I never asked him...)", "you don't like home improvement projects or landscaping, but that's what I love, I don't see you doing that with me", "you want to go skiing but I am not going to do that".... As for the place, I always suggested that we find a place together and NEVER asked him to move in with us in our current house. As for the home improvement projects, I am not the most handy person, and being a single mother I don't really have time so I 'hire' people to fix things. My BF always says that "you just wants to hire people". But if I cannot do it myself and I do not even have time to do so..., and my BF does not offer his help (for a couple projects I asked for his help and he did it, but he was upset that it took up a lot of his time so I never asked him again), what other options do I have?? But somehow he always brings this point up (he loves projects and landscaping).

So in summary, I do not see these points "big" difference but in my BF's mind they are, obviously. I've been trying to understand that and have told him that I am more than happy to learn how to do home projects and landscaping once we got together but he said "but you have had many chances but you never actually did".

When he came over on Tuesday night, he complained that he 'sweat' in his nice clothes by walking to the train station. And he said "that's why I hate your train system. That's why I would never live out there!" I felt that he was taking anger on me, but it might have been because he was already unhappy and the reason could have been anything for him to get upset.

He never felt that I was truly 'into' him. That's probably the core issue.

Do you think my BF is simply looking for a way out, like my friend suggested? We agreed to talk tomorrow so I will go, but should I just let him go?

That's interesting - from what I read, I agree with your BF - you have huge differences, total dealbreakers IMO. I'm surprised you don't see them, or more likely, don't want to see them.

When you have totally different passions in life, you are not likely to be compatible. He lives and breathes golf; you don't really share that passion. He loves home improvement, you don't. You love skiing, he has no interest. You love ballet, he never came to see a performance in 4 years. I could go on and on.

Milkshake, I don't know your story, but from this thread, I would venture to guess that you are somewhat codependent. You don't want to be alone, and so you latch on to someone who may at first appear to be a good match, and then try to hold on to them no matter what. That is not healthy dating. Dating is about evaluating compatibility, not trying to salvage a relationship for fear of being alone. That is exactly where I think you are - afraid of being alone, afraid of hurting your son, and willing to be with someone who is not crazy about you, and whom you do not appear to respect very much.

If it were me, I would end this relationship, as I don't see anything good coming out of it. If you are still in doubt, I would recommend that you read Will Our Love Last? (Amazon), it's a great book on evaluating compatibility, and listening to your gut.

AGG

milkshake,

I don't know if he is looking for a way out but clearly, you are the only one that is making all the efforts here and he does not even acknowledge it let alone appreciate it.

None of what he says sounds positive or loving,, it sounds to me like he thinks he is doing you a huge favor by being with you.

What are the "many good things in the past" that you want to hold onto????

- So in summary, I do not see these points "big" difference but in my BF's mind they are, obviously. I've been trying to understand that and have told him that I am more than happy to learn how to do home projects and landscaping once we got together but he said "but you have had many chances but you never actually did". -

When you actually take up home projects and landscaping, he will propbably say to you, "well, you're only doing it for me and not dling it because you really want to. You have to truly love it and have a passion for it." Nothing you do is good enough..

- He never felt that I was truly 'into' him. That's probably the core issue. -

It's always other people's fault. Everything he does / feel is always his reaction to other people's action..

Looks like a bad match to me and I, too, will not be with someone who wants me to put him above my child. Will never happen.

A lot of what you write sounds very familiar.
There may be so many core differences in your personalities to make a lasting relationship very difficult�. opposition rather than attraction. The only reason I�m saying this is my ex-wife and I had a lot of the same differences.
It may be what seems like some very minor things, but they eventually add up and multiply and rear their ugly head as resentment and anger.
Everything we were at odds on came to light in one very bitter, very loud argument last year. Looking back, we were two very different people, with very different perspectives. It�s very hard to have a loving, nurturing relationship with another person when you always stand opposed.
Obviously if I were an expert I would still be married, so don�t mistake this as advice. It�s simply food for thought.

I couldn't agree with AGG more.

Thanks AGG and ChiesireCat....

AGG, your comment about codependent, I think you are right on. I am scared to be alone. When I first met my BF, I did not feel that we were similar either. However as time went on, I grew attached to him for the reasons you mentioned - being scared of being alone and hurting my son. And I denied to see things straight - which is something I did in my marriage. My XH had drug and sex addiction issues which I denied and tried to make amend. Soon it went out of control and our marriage broke apart. Whenever XH was acting nice and decent, I raised my hope high trying to think that he has changed or 'cured'.

I did not think I was becoming codependet again with my BF. It opened my eyes..... although it's still very scary when I think of upcoming holidays and my birthday without him.

Thanks for kind words, ChiesireCat... I felt that I was willing to learn his passion and hobbies but he never showed interest in learning mine. But I never requested it either. Maybe becuase of my bad experience with XH, I did not want to be controlling (I was trying to controll his addctions). But in the long run, this will not work out.

Guess I see all of your points and I know I see them myself. I've been in denial out of fear. I need to overcome my fear.

Just saw timetofly's comment. Interesting..... I am losing confidence that I will ever meet anyone who is compatible with me though, after these experiences. Sorry, I don't know your story timetofly, but did you end up finding your 'soulmate' after your divorce?

That's because you haven't looked! If you are codependent, then instead of looking at dating as an evaluation process, you are looking at it as a "anything is better than nothing" process, and instead of casting off the wrong ones at the get-go, you end up with them for way too long.

Dating is a numbers game - for every good match you find, you probably have to sort through 20 or so bad matches. You have to be OK on your own, and understand how any person you meet might enhance your life, not how they might save you from being alone.

Personally, I believe that codependent people tend to attract the absolute wrong types, because Mr. Wrongs can sense that they can get away with almost anything. You really owe it to yourself and your son to try to get past the fear of being alone; you are not likely to meet a healthy match until you do.

AGG

!!

milkshake,

It is the beginning of healing when you acknowledge your fear and admitting that you're scared...

I have been there. I was there for years. I started therapy - I was blessed with a good therapist - and began to see things much more clearly. I am now working on building my boundary so that I will be able to really see the red flags when they appear and be strong and rational enough to not deny the reality.

If you are not already receiving counseling / therapy, I highly recommend it. I had known what my issues were - it was really not that I still loved my husband but rather, it was my fear of being alone that I could not detach myself from this dead marriage - I knew that in my head but I vacillated painfully for so long in this endless loop, while my husband kept on walking all over me.... because of this fear.. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed help and I went out and got it. I am very glad that I did.

You will find someone who is compatible with you, with whom you can share the love of skiing, who enjoys the similar lifestyle and values that you do,, and importantly, who respects the fact that you have a son and treasures him.

I know I will. Let's not settle for something that we are not truly happy with.

Well said Cat!

AGG

For what it's worth, Milkshake, I went out with a very nice guy last week - nothing wrong with him, we just weren't compatible. I threw him back into the sea for you

;-)

Milkshake, it sounds like you went into the relationship too quickly and developed feelings for each other before seeing if you were compatible first...once that happens, you hang on and try to make it work but it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. He knew this but didn't know how to let you down.

It's okay to be by yourself, you don't have to have a guy in your life. Why not plan some enjoyable times doing what you like to do and spending time with your child and let things happen naturally as they may? If you feel you really need someone in your life, maybe you could sign up to meet people but don't settle for the first one that shows interest, make yourself a check list ahead of time and see how they fare with it. Put skiing on your checklist!

Thanks Daisy, your post cracked me up, which I really needed Which part of the sea should I be looking???

And kaycstamper, thanks for your warm words. You know, I know it perfectly in my 'head'...., and since I have a very busy lifestyle, most of the time I feel that I don't really need a man. Yet when I think of Halloween, my birthday, and then the holidays......, or when I have my boy and only two of us having dinner together on weekends......, those pictures totally depresses me. I just wished that my family was around so that I could just go visit them often to get through. It really sucks to not have anyone here.

But I need to suck it up, stay strong.....I need to keep myself busy so that I won't have much time to dwell on the past or feel sorry for myself and my son.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Milkshake,
I know all too well what you're saying. My son just bought a place near his college (two hours away) so I know he won't be back home to live and I'll miss him popping in and out. It's hard to look forward to the holidays when you live alone. My best friend just had a stroke and it's changed her completely, she's become reclusive. My other friend is moving away this week. I'm pretty much alone now.
I also try to stay busy. Since Jim and I broke up I've been working so hard on my place, cleaning, getting ready for winter, at least my place is getting really clean! LOL
I hope your weekend went okay...

Thanks kayc..., and sorry to hear about your son and friend moving away, your friend getting sick... It's nice to have tradition and holidays, etc., but for those who don't have family members around, it can be cruel.

I try to think this: even if you had the most perfect marriage ever, your spouse could get in an accident and pass away. Then you will be left alone. So I'm trying very hard to NOT feel like a loser when I am alone. Do you feel that sometimes?

My problem: I do have friends that support me around. I also have a few guys who are interested in me (I did tell them several times that I have a boyfriend, so they never too aggressively pursued, but from time to time they still 'try' to see if I have changed my mind or if my situation has changed). However, I feel that I have 'failed' to keep my marriage together. That has been the biggest trauma in my life, EVER. And this hurt will never ever completely go away. It will always make me feel like I have failed.

I feel angry when I think of the fact that my XH's selfishness destroyed our marriage and family, and as a result that our boy is a single child and does not have both parents living under the same roof. At the same time, I feel tremendously bad for both my XH and boy. I feel that I could have done things differently. Also when I think of those �signs� that my XH was exhibiting by engaging him into many unhealthy behaviors � why didn�t I take him to the doctors and/or therapists? He must have felt very scared and lonely, and I failed to make him feel safer.

I think I will always live the rest of my life with the feeling of guilt. And whenever I see my XH now being happy with his new girlfriend, I feel even worse - that I could not make him happy, but this woman can.

I have similar 'guilt' for my boyfriend too. I know he is not the warmest and most positive person in the world. He does whatever he likes to do first, and spends the remained time with me / us. I know I am not his priority, his hobbies are. So I agree that this is not the greatest match. Even then I feel guilty. If I were doing more of the stuff he enjoyed so much, he would have been happier. He wouldn�t have felt �unsupported�.

I see my boy, and feel guilty. Everyone says that I am one of the most dedicated, giving and loving mothers to my son. I am confident about that most of the time. Yet when I see him getting excited to going to see my XH's girlfriend's two boys on weekends, I feel rejected. And I feel bad because to me it is as if I am not doing a good enough job and therefore he is 'choosing' the other family over me. And I feel guilty that I could not give my son a sibling.

I hate feeling guilty for everyone. It really tires me out�

My boyfriend and I were supposed to have a 'talk' on Saturday night, which never took place. Then I thought we would 'talk' on Sunday, but we didn't. It was as if �business as usual� on one hand, but at the same time I definitely felt the 'distance' or 'coldness' in him. It's not a good feeling at all.

OK, enough of self-pity. I have a full schedule today. I actually prefer weekdays, because I am hyper busy with my job, my son's schedule, my ballet classes, and regular housework. Weekends and holidays are definitely harder. For me it�s like �HAPPY MONDAY!�.

Hope your weekend was okay too, kayc. And stay busy!

What helped me overcome feeling guilty about everything is realizing that feeling guilty does no good. It helps nothing.

And, actually, it discourages and tires us so we are unable to do anything to make life better (carry on our daily duties, do something nice for ourselves, improve something in our lives, etc).

So here we are, feeling guilty about something that isn't totally our fault.

Thank you Daisy.

I skyped with my mom this evening (she is +14 hours ahead). She looked sad and started crying when she told me that her brother had a stroke a few days ago and is now in coma. I was shocked.

I could tell that she didn't want to tell me the news. She was all worried about my situation (since I am so far away, only get to see my own parents 1 a year for a short period of time), and I felt her great love for me. She is in the tough spot that she is losing her brother who was taking care of my grandmother. Now they have to look for a place for my grandmother. Also my mom was very close to her brother. He was my favorite uncle too. She was crying and yet continued to worry about me and trying to give me courage.

I know I would do the same for my son. Even if I was losing my arm, I would be more worried about him. Mothers' love is just so great.

And I am thankful that God gave me an opportunity to become a mother. Although I haven't been so lucky when it comes to relationships with another man, at least I was given a wonderful gift in life.