Hi - I am new to this board and I am not sure if I am posting in the right area...let me know if I should move it somewhere else...

Ever since I was about 5 months pregnant I have not wanted to have sex and now it is worse - I dread my husband initiating and try to ward it off. I love my husband dearly, he is an amazing man in every way - great father, provider, he is caring, sensitive, really he is my dream husband. I don't understand why I don't want to have sex and why it actually creates a huge amount of anxiety. During sex, I get really bad headaches because of holding my breath just trying to get through it. I think some of it is mental, because it doesn't feel THAT uncomfortable to merit so much anxiety and dislike of the act itself. We have only been married for a year and in the past 7 months or so we've had sex about 5 times, each being unpleasant, but out of respect for him, I tried my best to get through it. I used to initiate even more than he did. My love for him has grown deeper and I want nothing more than to have a wonderful sex life. I just don't know where to go from here. Do I need counseling? Is this normal from pregnancy/birth? How can I get over it quicker? Will I ever get over it? It's really bothering me lately, among other things (postpartum) and I feel really scared that our sex life is doomed and I don't want to go down that road. Any women that have some thoughts, I would really appreciate it. Also, since pregnancy I have become extremely sensitive, even my OB/GYN was very surprised at how low my pain tolerance was. When I gave birth, one of the nurses suggested I could have a yeast infection which could cause hypersensitivity, but I got checked, and it was negative. Could there be something else wrong? I never used to be THIS sensitive. I think it's all related to the sex issues.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Welcome to MB Heavenly.

A few questions.

When was your baby born?

Did you have any physical trauma during the birth (tearing, episiotomy)?

Did you suffer from bad morning sickness while you were pregnant?

Have you spoken to your doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression?

I didn't have a sex drive while pregnant, either, and I could not understand my friends who were so horny throughout their pregnancies, so my vote is: sexual aversion during pregnancy is as normal as a hyper drive.

More questions to add to writer1's:

1. Are you breastfeeding?
2. Do you ever feel like a sexual being? Do you ever do anything to feel sexy? Wear heels, silky underthings, makeup, etc?

My baby is 2 months old, and I am not breastfeeding. I tried, but I started bleeding and it was incredibly painful for me. I had a 3rd degree tear and an epis. I had morning sickness for the first 5-6 months of my pregnancy. I spoke with my doctor about PPD and I definitely have it and I just started medication last week.

CWMI - I don't ever feel sexual. I used to, though. I really need to put more effort into looking sexy...not only for my husband, but for me. I don't feel sexy at all. It takes SO MUCH energy for me to get all "done up" and I just don't do it enough. I know my husband appreciates it, but I'm just so tired and depressed I have no desire to look good.

Well, I think you answered your own question.

During pregnancy, morning sickness can certainly put a damper on one's libido. I could barely turn over in bed without getting violently ill when I was pregnant, so I certainly couldn't muster the enthusiasm to have sex.

I also had a 3rd degree tear with my last baby (and a 4th degree with my 1st). It takes a lot longer than 2 months to heal from that. Sex was painful for me for quite awhile, and after the pain went away, I still had residual numbness that made it very difficult to get interested in sex again. I mean, I couldn't feel much, so what was there to be interested in?

Now, add to that the hormonal fluctuations that occur during pregnancy and postpartum (with or without PPD).

Oh, and don't forget the massive changes your body is going through right now, the lack of sleep, the huge upheaval that having a new baby ushers into every aspect of your life, etc., etc.

Give it time. It does get better, but it doesn't happen overnight. My baby is 2 now, and I feel much more like my normal self these days.

My wife was a bit different with each pregnancy and also at different stages through the pregnancy. With our first, I was clawing my way out the house because she couldn't keep her hands off me and was pretty aggressive about it.

With the second pregnancy, she was sometimes very much in the mood and other times too uncomfortable to want any.

With the third, she seemed to flip flop weekly from wanting sex to not wanting.

H829:

Maybe the ladies can help with what you should be doing from that angle.

But you describe the SF as very painful.

Maybe you need to work back up to it. You can do some other things besides the "act" that may help your H alot while you work thru the PPD, and heal internally properly.

This is a very tough time immediately after the birth of a child. Everything is supposed to be warm and wonderful, and all there is is pain. Your H doesn't know what happened to that woman he knew 9 months ago, and you have all the childs needs overwhelming you....

So, you need to make sure that you DO make time for your husband, and offer him admiration for being patient with you, and finding some interiem solutions to make sure that he knows that woman he knew 9 months ago is still in there, and trying to find a way out.

You came to the right place. There is great support here.

LG

Give it time. This is your first child?

Everything you are going through is normal. If your H is hankering, I like LG's suggestion to, erm, provide for his needs without hurting yourself. It can be very emotionally satisfying for you, when given from a place of love. I'd start with HJs. You are only technically two weeks beyond GO anyway, so relax and enjoy your new baby and know that this will pass. You'll always be a mom now, but you'll regain the sexy girl eventually. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be raring to go right away. I needed a good six months after #1, took nearly two years after #4, with the full gambit in between.

You're doing fine. And congrats on the new baby!

Thank you all so much. It is my first baby, and it's hard to know what is normal and what isn't - with a lot of things! I am glad to hear this is normal and I'll be praying I heal fast! Thanks again...

Babies look like they're in excruciating pain when they poop. That's normal, too.

CWMI - THAT is funny! I am prego w/ #3, and yesh, it is totally normal to NOT want to. If you're struggling with yourself & who you are (esp. after the baby, you may feel completely alienated by your new role as a mommy). Add in all the other stuff - the tear, the episiotomy, yeah, I'd be like, "Dude, hands off please!". You can help him get through the time. My dh actually would ask me for help, because physically he'd just get so uncomfortable. So, you make it work (it meaning, whatever you needto do in the interrim). Trust me, even everything aside from the actual act may feel like a burden, but if he is asking for help, I think it puts a different spin on the whole experience! You will heal up, and, eventually get your confidence back! I got myself involved in makeup after my first son was about 2. I really wanted to look as good as I was starting to feel. My dh complimented this desire (that I had expressed) by getting me a makeup/skin care/esthetics consultation with a highly esteemed professional makeup artist & esthetician. He took me out after I was dolled-up & treated me like a queen. My God, it was one of the best birthdays I ever had! Just ask your hubby to "help" you too. You'll both get back to being passionate & comfortable with yourself again. It does take time. It is okay to ask for patience & help :-)

3deg tear will take a while to heal up. And hormones play a role, they can increase or decrease libido. I'm with CWMI in echoing LG's suggestion- find other ways to help hubby til you heal and then take it slow from there. Perhaps you can reassure hubby that it still hurts, but you can't wait to heal properly and get back to normal. That way he might not think you will never go back to wanting SF.