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#2436647 10/20/10 01:27 PM
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I have posted here before but have a specific question. I am a FBS/and a WW. I had a PA with someone about 10 years ago...H found out....we tried to recover. Since then I have had several EA with people via the internet. Although I know that the reason for the A's was because of weak or no boundaries, I have spent a lot of time trying to decide what I was searching for. I know now that it was communication and the need to feel important to someone. My H and I are working very hard to recover. It has been almost 7 months since there as been any contact of any kind with the AP. I have put EP in place to assure that contact will never happen again. I am FINALLY living the life of someone I like to look in the mirror at.

Before the A's....we struggled with intimacy. I have never had a high sex drive and my H has an enormous one. I have read and read that once you put MB principals into place that physical intimacy is restored. This has not been the case with us. I have no problem being kind and loving to him. I just have no desire for sexual intimacy. I used to try and do it just to please him but he has started to say.....I don't want to unless you are going to be "really into it"./ If we could get on the same page sexually....our marriage would be amazing. One of the reasons I looked for EA on the internet was becauase it was meeting my needs without the sex part. Please help me!!

I want to please him sexually but just do not know what to do.

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Is he meeting your top 5 emotional needs? Are you getting a minimum of 15 hours of UA time meeting your intimate needs?

Suggested reading would be the Q&A series Willingness to Desire here.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I am very new to all this so am by no means an expert but I could write verbatim your post on sex. Dh had affairs due to me not wanting to have sex. I just had no desire. I read the sexual adversion section on the marriage builder's website and even though I was not crying at the thought of sex either it GREATLY helped me.

Here is basically what I did

1. Everyday for a few days sit in a chair and just think about sex. I realized I never really thought about it.

2. After I got to where I could think about sex in general I thought about sex with my husband.

The key is to keep doing this until your muscles stay relaxed.

Then it talks about learning to relax with your dh in the same room, then being able to talk about sex with him and then make love.

I did something different since my husband is still not commited to the relationship and I knew I needed to do something different.

Honestly my issue was a lack of knowledge about sex. I was married very young and dh and I didn't learn together he just became frustrated with me rather than teach me.

So I did

3. Found a website that explained sex, different sex positions and so on. I got over the fear of thinking it was wrong, evil, sinful, fill in the blank for me to research and learn about sex

4. I sat in the chair naked and learn to touch and please myself. I had NEVER done this before as I thought it was bad. I had such a negative view of sex peached over my life that I didn't realize how much it effected me.

Now I have a true physical sex drive. Even though dh says he doesn't love me we have still had sex and he says it is the best it has ever been. I am praying that God changes his heart so he can see I am permnanently changed to be the wife he needs willing to meet his needs in this area.

not sure if this helps but this has been my journey so far

Tammy

Last edited by mommyof3monkeys; 10/20/10 01:55 PM.

BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Originally Posted by HeadHeldHigh
Is he meeting your top 5 emotional needs? Are you getting a minimum of 15 hours of UA time meeting your intimate needs?

Suggested reading would be the Q&A series Willingness to Desire here.

We have spent ALOT of time discussing his needs. I almost feel unworthy of even asking for him to meet my needs. But to answer the question, not really.

I know that my top needs are financial support (by which I mean I have a great job and so does he, but right now about $1500 a month is going to savings for our new house). I am responsible for paying the bills and seeing that we spread out the money for the month. I HATE THIS. I have begged and begged for him to take this over but he always says.....you are better at that than me.

The next top need for me is conversation. I mean....conversation about things other than his work and idle chit chat. He has been trying to do this really for about two weeks. (Sometimes I think its just to make sure his need of sexual intimacy is fulfilled).

One of the top things for me is physical appearance. I don't mean that he needs to be the ultimate muscle man, but I would like for him to respect his body and aim to be physically fit. He is really overweight and more than anything, I want him to be healthy.

Honestly, I feel like him not meeting my needs has a major negative impact on my desire to be intimate with him.

The other BIG problem is that he is CONSTANTLY bringing up the topic of his need of sexual fulfillment not being met. He actually hounds me to the point that I get frustrated and shut down. That does nothing for creating passion.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. This problem is going to be the ultimate demise of our marriage. (Yes, I know that the affair didn't help.

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I realize that most BS won't reply to my topic but any help from FWW would be greatly appreciated. This problem is keeping us from moving toward the relationship both of us dream about.

Thanks!


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