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WH is talking about getting an apt so Plan B may be happening this week.
How does it work with sporting events, practices and birthday parties?
I don't want the kids to feel like they have to choose between us. Like if we sit on seperate sides of the bleachers at a game. That just seems wrong for the kids.
Advice?
Tammy
BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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First of all you need to get someone to be the IM once you found someone that is the person you go to if you need anything from WH and if WH needs to get a hold of you that is the person he goes to.
Now events, what events are coming up that you would BOTH would NEED to be at?
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First of all you need to get someone to be the IM once you found someone that is the person you go to if you need anything from WH and if WH needs to get a hold of you that is the person he goes to.
Now events, what events are coming up that you would BOTH would NEED to be at? Football games are once a week. Baseball games are twice a week. Two kids birthdays are next month. Do I ask dh to not come to practices? He has usually come if he is not working. Tammy
BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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This is one of those sad realities that you�re going to have to set your feelings aside on for a while. For birthdays, the kids are with whomever they�re scheduled to be with. It sucks, but you get use to it. You can celebrate when the kids are scheduled to be with you and it doesn�t have to be on the exact day.
My ex and I are, 5 years after the fact, just now starting to get to the point where we do stuff together for the kids. We have gone to their events, but we don�t sit together. I make an effort to sit relatively near my ex just so the kids don�t have to look around much to find me or her.
As far as sports go, the kids should go with whomever has them for the day.
Understand that this is just how things are going to be for a little while at least until you and your ex can feel indifferent around each other. That takes time.
You will eventually get to the point where you can be around him and feel nothing. But that�s not for years down the road.
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This is one of those sad realities that you�re going to have to set your feelings aside on for a while. For birthdays, the kids are with whomever they�re scheduled to be with. It sucks, but you get use to it. You can celebrate when the kids are scheduled to be with you and it doesn�t have to be on the exact day.
My ex and I are, 5 years after the fact, just now starting to get to the point where we do stuff together for the kids. We have gone to their events, but we don�t sit together. I make an effort to sit relatively near my ex just so the kids don�t have to look around much to find me or her.
As far as sports go, the kids should go with whomever has them for the day.
Understand that this is just how things are going to be for a little while at least until you and your ex can feel indifferent around each other. That takes time.
You will eventually get to the point where you can be around him and feel nothing. But that�s not for years down the road. Thanks for the advice. I pray to never be an ex. I am still praying for a restored marriage. I can't imagine telling my kids they can't have both parents at their birthday party. Life will be so unfair to the kids when their dad moves out as it is:( Tammy
BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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WH is talking about getting an apt so Plan B may be happening this week.
How does it work with sporting events, practices and birthday parties?
I don't want the kids to feel like they have to choose between us. Like if we sit on seperate sides of the bleachers at a game. That just seems wrong for the kids.
Advice?
Tammy You would not attend them if your H is there. And your children should see that you are not speaking to him. The kids should be fully warned about Plan B and why you are doing it. This teaches kids how adults handle abuse. If they saw you sitting next to him they would be taught that it is ok to abuse you and stay in touch as if everything is normal. Plan B must be very tight if it is to have any effect. Don't go into Plan B unless you mean it, because Plan "C" for compromise is the most likely to result in divorce. Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.
Dr. Harley
Administrator
Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed #3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM
Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.
About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.
Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That just seems wrong for the kids.
Advice? Mommy3, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there are two rules for this: rule #1: abuse, affairs, and divorce are wrong for kids rule #2: nothing you do can change rule #1 It's going to be a matter of building the best life you can with your kids. Trying to keep the uncooperative former parent in the picture does not make anything better, at all. I know; I have an uncooperative former parent, and I am pleased that for the latter part of my childhood she was entirely out of the picture.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Your H is an ex. He�s an ex in the sense that the man you knew or thought you did no longer exists. If you are to have a new beginning, then the old marriage and the old way of doing things must die. It already has.
What you�re in right now is the stage of grief called denial. You don�t want to accept that there is a new reality.
It is ok. What I�m saying isn�t criticism. It�s a normal reaction to a horrible event.
But your marriage is dead. Whether a new one comes and replaces it or you end up divorced, your marriage is dead. You�re officially married, but the marriage you knew and loved is over.
A new reality is setting in. It is one where either A. Your H comes to his senses and seeks to reconcile, seeking forgiveness and ways to rebuild your marriage, or B. You end up divorced and this is your new reality regardless.
But the message doesn�t change. You don�t interact with your H unless someone is about to die or there is blood. The rest he can figure out on his own.
Logistical things get passed on through your IM, such as doctor appointments.
Otherwise do not communicate, see him or interact with him.
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First let me say it is not that I don't want to Plan B I am just using this time to logically think through everything. Dh will never not show up for a game. He even schedules biz trips taking a 4am flight so he can make a game. He is a great father. I can not miss a game that would devastate our son. I can mentally think of him as an ex, not sit by him and not talk to him though.
Thanks
Tammy
BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th
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Great fathers do not cheat on the mother of their children. Your H seems to be a great father but not where it deep down counts.
Sorry. It is tough to think about.
Anyway. Plan B, you do nothing together. Attend no events together. Lots of separated parents do....but they are not doing MB and working a plan to ultimately save their marriage using MB.
It is tough at first not being a united front but with time, in plan B, you find your true, deep, strong self who will not let your boundaries be pressed. Your children must be told that you love them, love their father but will not attend things he attends. You use an intermediary to find when the father is attending something and you do not do it. If the father is hot to go to all games.....let him. You don't though. You find other ways to support the kids.
I know it sounds weird and counterintuitive but it is not. It is a beautiful thing to experience with the kids (with practise, calmness, conviction) and you will have a better chance of either saving your marriage or saving your own spirit from the very dreadful experience of infedelity.
I call it 'self-respect' and my kids understand it and support me in it. Yours would too.
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I believe that of you were to ask the children what they would prefer, you going to games or you being a balanced self, I could guarantee they would choose the later. You can not be the best parent to them if you are going through the emotional toll seeing your WH would put on you. I know it is a sacrifice that you don't want to make, but I believe it is one you need to make to be in a good Plan B.
Both of my children had birthdays since WH left, they are okay. They understand why I do what I do. They know that it comes from a place of love and respect for myself.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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MO3M;
He is not a great father. You need to really re-think that notion.
A GREAT father creates a GREAT family. He is there for his kids not just for 18 years, but for their lifetime -- not out getting an apartment, so he can "think about things".
A GREAT father does not destroy his children's mother.
A GREAT father does not shatter his children's foundation.
What sports are we talking about here? Is there a large field and area so that you can 100% avoid seeing your WH?
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A GREAT father creates a GREAT family. He is there for his kids not just for 18 years, but for their lifetime -- not out getting an apartment, so he can "think about things".
A GREAT father does not destroy his children's mother.
A GREAT father does not shatter his children's foundation. I totally agree. A GREAT father does not ignore and neglect his children so he can spend time with some ho instead. Think about it, MO3M: Every time your WH is unavailable to you, he is just as unavailable to your mutual children. And for the same reason. That is anything but a great father.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Stick to one thread so we can all follow your story better.
You're trying to save your marriage, so the standards rules don't apply and your kids have to understand your reasons for doing what you do.
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