Part of the problem with our marriage is when we moved here 3 yrs ago we have not made friends. Well I have my SAHM friends but we never made friends together. We have one couple that I am good friends with the wife and dh started to be good friends with the dh but now not sure if he wants anything to do with them since they go to our church. I actually get along great with dh's family. So should I ask our friend to be the go between and if I do do they do it as a couple or do I just go through my friend's husband? Or is it fine to use dh's mom or dad?

Tammy

I'd choose an IM based on the following requirements:
1. Who does the wayward spouse get along with the best, and would be willing to communicate with?
2. Who would do the best job of forwarding messages both ways stripped of all Love Busters?
3. Who can be most prompt, courteous, and capable of keeping a cool head him or herself?

A natural choice will fall out of those three requirements.

The most important thing about an IM is that YOU should trust them. It doesn't matter what your WH thinks about them. They need to be reliable and understand their role in filtering things from your WH to you.

mo3m, please keep to one thread or posters will lose track of your story.

The choice of an intermediary has to be someone who will remain completely NEUTRAL and who will act as a SPAM filter. I would NOT use your H's parents because they cannot be neutral. This person should be told to only pass on information in HIS WORDS that is pertinent: children and finances. NOTHING ELSE GETS THROUGH. If your WS whines about his poor lot in life, you should never hear about it.

If the WS insists on speaking to you, it can only be if he answers YES to the following question: have you ended your affair and are you committed to recovering your marriage.

If an IM is doing his job right, it will be the easiest job in the world. If he tries to reason or negotiate with the WS his job will be hell.

Intermediary Training School

Actually, this is one that I would avoid.

I personally know someone IRL who choose an IM somewhat based on this and it was a disaster as he vented about the BS to the IM, marital rewrite, etc and the IM started to "support" him.

Like Mel said, the crucial requirements are that the IM can be neutral in communications and have the ability to follow the instructions (only pass pertinent information, etc).

I would avoid family if possible. Both of our IMs were friends of mine who I knew wanted to protect me and were on the side of our marriage.

Please re-read Mel's post. The IM needs to be a SPAM FILTER. This is very important.

Hello Momof3,

Agree with Mel, that a Neutral party that would have limited future involvement with the M would be best. There will be some resentment from the WS toward the intermediary no matter how well they do their job.

Jim

Dr. Harley takes a different approach. The question is something like, "Are you WILLING to end your affair, agree to precautions to prevent it from happening again, and commit to a program of marital recovery together?"

The wayward having already left the lover is not a prerequisite to going on a date with your spouse on Plan B to discuss how he or she is going to meet your conditions for the end of your separation. Dr. Harley covers this in Surviving An Affair and elsewhere that having left the lover is not a prerequisite to ending Plan B, but is a prerequisite to taking them back into the marital home.

And he often recommends dating the wayward spouse for several weeks to several months after ending Plan B, but before allowing the spouse to move home, to ensure that the wayward has gotten over withdrawal, to verify their compliance with the terms of marital recovery, and to ensure the wayward spouse will not be returning to the lover. Also for the betrayed spouse to decide if he/she is willing to take the wayward back, and if love can be re-created. You're making a new marriage at that point.

There are a lot of transition points in recovery from marriage. Ending Plan B is one where it's really helpful to have the advice of a professional to protect yourself while allowing your wayward spouse a chance to repair the relationship with you.

I disagree. It is saying the same thing. In order to recover the marriage, the WS must end the affair. She can't break Plan B until the affair is ended lest she will be facing a false recovery. This is a critical point, because if a BS resumes contact and the affair is still on, the protection afforded by Plan B is negated.

Another key point to remember is that almost every WS will attempt to regain entrance to the BS once he sees that she is serious about remaining dark. If every insincere WS got through on the basis of a claim of "trying to end contact" or "lets see how I feel in the future about ending contact" then there would never be a dark Plan B, because every WS in my experience - except one - has tried to get through AND keep the OP on the farm. Using the term "willing" is very different from actually doing.

ITA with ML. Also, I believe that I have read that DrH suggests that the couple go away together on a trip, if at all possible to allow the WS to go through withdrawal TOGETHER with the BS. At least that's how I remember it.

Taken from the "What are Plan A/Plan B" article under the Q&A colums:


Oops the rest of the paragraph is here: